Words of wisdom?

[Hollygoeslightly]

During my intense five month google obsessing about any symptoms that my ex had (before realising BPD was probably the main culprit) I copied and pasted into a document anything that would help me remember that they seem to be "wired" differently to us. I found this article below (though apologies to the owner as I didn't copy and paste the author). I found this particularly helpful in making things feel less painful for myself.

"You need to run as fast as you can from this girl. If she is the stereotypical "LSE" case, and has been used to being emotionally trampled on, treated like ___, and has no sense of self worth; you are just setting yourself up for utter frustration and ultimate failure if you try and seek a serious relationship with her.

The sad reality of your situation as you desribe it, is; sorry to say; - SHE CAN'T HANDLE A SERIOUS, HEALTHY, and EMOTIONALLY FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP... . she's not equipped for one, there's nothing you can do about it, and it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's just the way she is. You can be the nicest guy on the face of the earth and it won't matter at all in her mind. Initially, she will be attracted to you, and will enter into a relationship with you, and it will work for awhile. Then, out of the blue, she will push you away and sabotage the relationship. Why? Because in HER MIND, she doesn't think she deserves someone who treats her as good as you do, so she will cheat on you, pick fights over nothing with you, and leave you... . all ways of her acting out her desire to sabotage the relationship. You must realize that you can't help her and there's nothing you can do to "save" her. It is NOT your job to save her either.

I'm assuming you have done "everything right", and have treated her like gold... . am I right? Still, she dumps all over you in favor of going for another guy who treats her like dirt. Get a clue - she wants to be treated like dirt. Although for awhile it appears she wants to be treated well, and genuinely wants a "nice guy" in her life; the moment she finds herself falling for the nice guy who treats her well (you); the moment her emotions get riled up, and the moment the relationship with "nice guy" (you) becomes a reality (10 months in your case), she quickly sabotages the relationship and runs off... . leaving you bewildered and wondering what you did wrong. Am I right? Why? Because her self esteem prohibits her from ever following through with a healthy relationship with a guy who treats her well, or at least as an equal. The better you treat her, the faster she will run. The more good you are to her, the more she will end up hating you for that. Why? Because she's not wired for a healthy relationship.

She has been hurt in her past. Daddy either hugged her too much, or not enough... . etc... etc... . etc... . The reasons she is how she is doesn't matter. What matters is YOUR emotional well being, and YOUR self respect, dignity, and self esteem. You can't fix her. She is broken. She is emotionally damaged and psychologically scarred. She is NOT relationship material and the sooner you realize this, the better off you are going to be. Iv'e been there and done that with this type of woman... . it's not pretty. Let her go. Move on. Leave her to her own self destructive behavior. She's not worth it. You deserve a healthy, sane, and normal girl who will treat you right. She cannot be saved. She acts like she does NOT as a reflection on YOU, but as a projection of what she is used to. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "Gee, I am so good to her, she's never had a great guy who treats her well like I do... if only I can make her see this... . if only she would realize how much better I am than what she has had in the past... . yada yada, yada... . " I'm telling you - forget about this kind of logic. Forget about it NOW. Her case is hopeless. The only thing that will help her is years of counseling. PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING, not you being her shoulder to cry on. You can't fix her. You are not "Captain Save-A-Ho", as much as you might want to try and be. Realize NOW that she is a lost cause. Instead of feeling sorry for her, feel sorry for yourself and realize the kind of pain you will be letting yourself in for if you continue to be involved with her. RUN!"

[Octoberfest]

A pretty brash perspective... .

I don't know that I deny the overall message, but I don't think it touches on the underlying "why" of it all very well. 

It is pretty sad to think that someone is a "lost cause".

[Hollygoeslightly]

Apologies if it came across as harsh. I just needed a harsh perspective in order to be able to move on myself. I admit it is harsh and very sad to think of people as a lost cause. I guess personally speaking I just couldn't comprehend where all his feelings suddenly went and this helped. Not th nicest way to get over things, but I just wanted to share what worked for me.

[Octoberfest]

Holly,

Was not meaning to criticize or attack you. If I understand correctly, you were not even the author of this piece.

I was not saying that it is "sad" that someone would think that about another person, I was commenting that it is heartbreaking to have to think that about the people that we loved. It is hard to accept that we cannot help them, that they are beyond the scope of what we can provide.

I think the information is largely accurate... . it just isn't conveyed in a very sensitive way.  Which is fine, different strokes for different folks.  I just know from my experience with my personal situation, reading something like that almost ushers up feelings of wanting to defend my BPDex and her behavior, to revert to rationalizing and minimalizing the things she does. It kind of takes me a step backwards.  The truth hurts 

[obtunded]

Holly,


I was not saying that it is "sad" that someone would think that about another person, I was commenting that it is heartbreaking to have to think that about the people that we loved. It is hard to accept that we cannot help them, that they are beyond the scope of what we can provide.

That could be the hardest part. I'm very forgiving and willing to admit that I wasn't always the easiest person to get along with. But had this been a "medical" condition instead of psychiatric, it would have been so much easier to stay with her to the end, no matter what. This illness has destroyed my feelings for her, made me suspicious of everything she does, questioned my own sanity, and left me wondering if I can ever have a relationship with someone else again. F that... . I'm so p****d off sometimes that I had to find someone who has qualities that I admire, but at the same time despise. I would much rather deal with cancer (I have already had my own bout with it, so I know how it feels) or a chronic illness, but how the hell do you help someone who won't let you? An illness that destroys the caregiver is the absolute worst... . So damn unfair, and that's why I have to distance myself from her. The ONLY person that can help her is her... .

[obtunded]

And then this song starts playing (www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne43u8suEAg)... screw me... .

[Notthesame64]

to revert to rationalizing and minimalizing the things she does.

October... I still battle with this phrase everyday!

As far as the article, I just don't have it in me to judge so harshly.  Being in the health field, living with a BPD, MS suffer, I know there are things that were out of his control.  His medication, the lesions on his brain... the child hood trauma that left him with his inner battles everyday... how can I judge him so harshly and say he's a lost cause?  Yes I bore the brunt of his illness, yes I was as supportive and loving as I could be... I lost it with him many times, but I have asked for forgiveness as well as forgave myself... he's just in capable of the granting me such. 

Do I hate him? no. do i view him as this horrible monster where everyone should run? No. But I do know that I have lived it first hand and now trying to over come it, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... but that doesn't make him unlovable or the plague... just not the right one for me anymore.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think that the words appear harsh... . but the same conclusion has been reached at by many of us with loving detachment.  Essentially the conclusions are as follows... . whether these are stated kindly or harshly, they are the same:

1)  The BPD is a mental disorder.

2)  The sufferer experiences extreme pain and anguish.

3)  The sufferer uses dysfunctional, inappropriate coping mechanisms and tries to alleviate the symptoms of the disorder in many self-destructive extreme manners.

4)  The sufferer does not understand or does not  accept that the pain and the anguish is caused by an inherent fundamental problem that can only be addressed by adherence to a long term committed therapy.

-------------------------

1)  The non-disordered individual falls in love with the BPD sufferer either because of the tremendous glow they feel when they are put on a pedestal and adored.

2)  The non-disordered individual falls for the "damsel in distress" and feels like a hero for rescuing her. 

3)  Unfortunately the distress of the damsel continues to take many different forms and shapes and the hero must rescue her in many different forms and ways that ultimately the hero begins to suffer himself.

4) Meanwhile, the hero feels tremendous guilt and obligation about instinct to leave her and seek his own fulfilment... . and this guilt and obligation keeps him in this dysfunctional relationship cycle.

5)  The hero sometimes gets the epiphany that he is not a trained clinician and that he does not have the power to make her whole or fulfilled and that he is not a hero at all, but just a kind, loving, nice person.  That this is not sufficient to bring the damsel out of her distress.

6)  Meanwhile, finances have been ruined, physical health is in tatters, emotional health is precariously perched on the edge of a breakdown, relationships with family, friends are ruined, pleasureable hobbies have been let go... . children have been born... .

Hence, the article only uses words stronger than the following parable which is stated in a kindly and loving manner:  A must read for everyone:

www.suite101.com/article/the-friedmans-fable-of-the-bridge-a248747

[Learning_curve74]

I'll be first in line to buy a "Captain Save-a-Ho" t-shirt!