Will time heal all wounds?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She said that you need about 6 months to be better but it's been over that and I'm still struggling over here... .  so scary.

I don't think time by itself makes the hurt and the addiction go away... . it has to be something that we are actively working on by examining what exactly happened in our relationships, why we were vulnerable to our BPDex's, what it is about us that made us keep going back and tolerating all of the abuse.  It is not a passive process, it is an active one.

I am not trying to suggest that you have not been working on this, I am just commenting that I don't believe time by itself will heal ones wounds.

It really needs to be here for all who are suffering with detachment/grieving as I am.

It has been over for and a half months for me. I cannot believe the emotional pain I still have. Anxiety and sadness/depression daily with little reprieve. I need to look at myself in the r/s. I have been doing that. I recognize the reasons I stayed. I see and understand my care taking behavior. I am accepting my codependency. I need more info. I never saw her as an addiction. I just want to forget and move on. Detach in the fullest without using anything like another person or relationship. I agree and I can tell that time alone is not the solution. I NEED to get better. Too many memories. I loved her too much. In a way the only thing I have left of her is my pain. When I let go of my pain I will have let go of her. Crying. Hate this.

[Perfidy]

She said that you need about 6 months to be better but it's been over that and I'm still struggling over here... .  so scary.

I don't think time by itself makes the hurt and the addiction go away... . it has to be something that we are actively working on by examining what exactly happened in our relationships, why we were vulnerable to our BPDex's, what it is about us that made us keep going back and tolerating all of the abuse.  It is not a passive process, it is an active one.

I am not trying to suggest that you have not been working on this, I am just commenting that I don't believe time by itself will heal ones wounds.

It really needs to be here for all who are suffering with detachment/grieving as I am.

It has been over for and a half months for me. I cannot believe the emotional pain I still have. Anxiety and sadness/depression daily with little reprieve. I need to look at myself in the r/s. I have been doing that. I recognize the reasons I stayed. I see and understand my care taking behavior. I am accepting my codependency. I need more info. I never saw her as an addiction. I just want to forget and move on. Detach in the fullest without using anything like another person or relationship. I agree and I can tell that time alone is not the solution. I NEED to get better. Too many memories. I loved her too much. In a way the only thing I have left of her is my pain. When I let go of my pain I will have let go of her. Crying. Hate this.

[Hollygoeslightly]

I totally agree - time of course helps as it takes you further from the point of pain but of definitely need to work on yourself.

I found after my 7 week intense BPD relationship, a month later I was still bawling my eyes out at any given moment. What was wrong with me? I kept beating myself up for not "being normal" and being "broken" and convinced I wouldn't get better.

I finally realised that every feeling was ok - good or bad no matter what would come. Just went with it. Today I feel like having reunion fantasies. So be it. Tomorrow I fantasise about never having met him. Go with it.

I'm still having minor setbacks and things that trigger that original feeling of rejection (see my Facebook post). However, I can now accept what was wrong in myself that I fell so hard for a BPD:

- I have never put up strong enough boundaries for fear of losing the other person.

- I have a void in me where I have never felt worthy, pretty, or been overly praised so to have these things from a guy so soon made me flip.

- I allowed him to get away with more because I understood he had issues and used this to argue with myself for reasons why he would do things.

- I am a caretaker and giver and I need to be more selfish.

- I'm far too trusting!

[willtimeheal]

I have good days and bad days. Days I miss her terribly and cry all day. It has been four long long months since my break up. Time therapy and working on myself have been the combination I need to help me through this. Am I better?  Not by a long shot. But I can say I am in a better place than I was last month and the month before that.

There are days all I do is miss her and wonder what she  is doing and if she is thinking about me and misses me.

Perfidy

You said you see and understand your caretaking and co dependency behavior. That's the first step. Now you have to figure out why and what caused you to be a caretaker and co dependent. What is it that you are trying to compensate for or what void are you trying to fill. In therapy I had to look at why I adapted to situations the way I did. What caused me to feel that why and a lot had to do with me avoiding certain thing due to painful past experiences.

My ex BPD was absolutely gorgeous. Every head turned when she walked into a room. The fact that someone as beautiful as her would want someone like me (I never felt beautiful as a kid or even as an adult) just lit up my world. I wasn't beautiful. No one ever wanted me. I was just the fun one. But then she came along and it was like this beautiful creature wants me not you... . take that all of you.

It is not fun digging up childhood hurts and dealing with bad memories but it is essential to grow.and get through this.  And unfortunately all of that takes time. Hang in there!

[Perfidy]

She was sixteen years younger than me. Tiny. Like a child. Young enough to be my daughter. We mirrored in the beginning. She played the victim. Said her dad beat her up. Needed to be rescued. That poor tiny little thing. She was 27.5 years old at the time. I was 43. She has no children. I have 5. She overstated her love for me. We idealized each other. It was great. She was addicted to meth. Told me she wanted to get clean. I bought it. She was so sincere. I supported her financially. Tried to support her emotionally. I felt so sorry for her. Wanted her to be happy. I knew that she had to have the desire to get off drugs. I could not give it to her. I tried to create ambiguity for her regarding her drug habit. Tried to get her interested in life. I am a private pilot. In the hundreds of hours that I flew while we were together she only flew once with me. I asked her to go every time. I mean seriously... There is NOTHING cooler than flying.

     The drugs took their toll. I wanted her to leave. She wouldn't. She destroyed her face by digging at it. Her teeth rotted away. Sickening to watch a cute young girl transform into a monster. Made me very sick. Long sad story... . I might go into more detail later.

[Octoberfest]

WTH hit the nail on the head.

It is a combination of both time and exploring ourselves/what happened.  One without the other is useless. It would be fabulous if we could all just sit down and hammer out in one sitting of 72 hours all the stages of grief, withdrawl, anger, and everything else that makes the post breakup hell... . but we can't. It would be like reasoning that you could run a marathon in no time if you just sprinted full speed from the start line.  You can't; there is no way around the fact that you are in for the long haul.

Don't feel bad that you still think about your BPDex or that they still affect your moods or happiness.  If we were able to walk away from the intense relationships that we had and be absolutely fine the next day, I would argue that it is US who have something wrong with us.  Grief IS normal.  It means that you can feel, that you have empathy, that you mourn the loss of something as opposed to seeing yourself as just having been abandoned and painting your partner black. It is healthy that we ask questions of ourselves instead of purely making judgements about others.

It's been about 3 months now since my break up... . I am doing WORLDS better than I was when I started.  I never ever want to go back to the places I was in during month 1 and 2. Or, hell, even month 3.  I want to keep going forward and never look back... . and we can!

[cska]

Perfidy, I'm so sorry for your emotional pain. You've posted in my thread, I was in hell, I know how you feel.

I don't think time by itself makes the hurt and the addiction go away... . it has to be something that we are actively working on by examining what exactly happened in our relationships, why we were vulnerable to our BPDex's, what it is about us that made us keep going back and tolerating all of the abuse.  It is not a passive process, it is an active one.

I agree, we do have to actively wok to heal. But how? I have examined my reasons for being in the relationship and tolerating the abuse. I've determined that I have low confidence, I feel unlovable and unappreciated, and I'm trying to fill the void by taking care of someone else's needs instead of my own. (Textbook codependency.) But how do we change our codependent selves? Realizing it is the first step, but in order to actively change, we have to completely overturn our way of thinking. We have to change our very core. That is a monumental and daunting task. How do we start to do that? Is it even possible to fully change and fully heal on our own (without taking an easy route and finding something to fill up the void instead of actually changing)?

[cska]

I supported her financially. Tried to support her emotionally. I felt so sorry for her. Wanted her to be happy. I knew that she had to have the desire to get off drugs. I could not give it to her. I tried to create ambiguity for her regarding her drug habit. Tried to get her interested in life. I am a private pilot. In the hundreds of hours that I flew while we were together she only flew once with me. I asked her to go every time. I mean seriously... There is NOTHING cooler than flying.

Perfidy, you have a good heart. You being a pilot is sort of metaphorical. You tried to show her the sky (both emotionally and for real), but she preferred to stay on the ground and drag you down as well. You deserve someone so much better! So many women would appreciate your love, your care, and going flying with you 

[Perfidy]

CSKA I wish I knew. Seems to me like I haven't read on the mechanism of the how. Here's how. Recognize it and be aware of it so maybe next time you can do something about it? That's kind of all I am getting out of this. I want to be able to have a quality life again. I could just go out and jump into it again like I have always done in the past. I want no more wreckage in my life. Too much.

As a matter if fact there is at least one relationship available to me right now with one of my exes that she found out I was single again from her brother and jumped all over it. I already dumped her twice. Years ago. She says she loves me and blah blah blah but seriously? She isn't the most stable gal in the world either. If I am around her for very long I get the sick feeling. So no. We talk on the phone a lot as friends but I have reminded her that it doesn't work with us but she persists. She thinks it will but don't agree. So I'm not going to hurt her again just to prove myself right. Sheesh! Women!

[willtimeheal]

Cska

Why do you have low self esteem?  Why do you take care of others needs and neglect your own?

I can relate. I have low self esteem and take care of others instead if myself. By helping and  caring for others it makes me feel good about myself and useful. It gives me value and worth. But take those people away and I am let with just me and I feel worthless and useless. Why?  It is when I started therapy and just started talking that I started to uncover  the reasons why I felt like I did. It took me a few months of therapy before I really opened up and started talking about little things that happened in middle school or when I was little that I locked away and was embarrassed about but I found the courage to tell my therapist about it. My therapist then started connecting everything together for me like a puzzle.  

It's amazing just hearing someone say that there was nothing wrong with what happened or I am entitled to my feelings lifted a huge rock off my shoulders. Also just seeing how one thing connects to another and how they interwind to create patterns of behavior and thought is amazing.

Granted I have a great therapist... . It took me three therapist to find this one. You have to find the one you trust and click with. I have a long way to go still. But  I look forward to my sessions because I know  that i will come out stronger. It's not easy admitting your deepest fears or most embarrassing moments or times when you were humiliated but you have to face and deal with them in order to figure out why you got sucked in with you BPD. I am starting to understand why I did now but I still have a lot to learn about myself.

[cska]

Cska

Why do you have low self esteem?  Why do you take care of others needs and neglect your own?

WillTimeHeal, I think I know why. My father is a great man, but oftentimes difficult to be around. He would tell me that I'm selfish, that my needs are not important, and that I should live for others. He hammered that mentality into me at a very young age. I though that my goal should be to give myself to others and leave nothing for myself. That fueled my co dependency.

Now, I'm trying to get my confidence back, and try to take care of my own needs. But that's easier said than done unfortunately...

[obtunded]

She was sixteen years younger than me. Tiny. Like a child. Young enough to be my daughter. We mirrored in the beginning. She played the victim. Said her dad beat her up. Needed to be rescued. That poor tiny little thing. She was 27.5 years old at the time. I was 43. She has no children. I have 5. She overstated her love for me. We idealized each other. It was great.

Mine was 23 years younger... . must be something about older men they are attracted to... probably because the younger ones would run faster... . she too was the victim of a failed marriage to a war veteran who suffered from PTSD. She told me she was both bipolar and BPD... . how's that for fair warning! I focused more on the bipolar part as I was more familiar with it from my work experience in the medical field. I really believe she isn't bipolar at all... . her symptoms are classic BPD. Idolizing, splitting, rapid emotional lability, jealousy, anxiety, phobias, chronic tiredness, chronic aches and pains, a feeling of "emptiness," and not knowing "who" she was... . coupled that with a story of how her mom "was never there for her" (don't know if is really true, but her mom exhibits BPD symptoms too). Couple that with an extremely fast romance, marriage, pregnancy - all of that in 5 months... classic and textbook borderline... If only I could have seen it coming, but I was "love bombed" by someone who was gorgeous, charming, funny, and made me feel like I've never felt before. So I thought, well, she was young(er), surely she has grown up a little and isn't going to react like before... . little did I know what was coming my way... .

[willtimeheal]

WillTimeHeal, I think I know why. My father is a great man, but oftentimes difficult to be around. He would tell me that I'm selfish, that my needs are not important, and that I should live for others. He hammered that mentality into me at a very young age. I though that my goal should be to give myself to others and leave nothing for myself. That fueled my co dependency.

Now, I'm trying to get my confidence back, and try to take care of my own needs. But that's easier said than done unfortunately...

Cska... . this is what you need to examine. This is where  You need to change your behavior and perception. You are right it is easier said than done. You can't expect something that was hammered into you over the course of a lifetime to change over night. It takes time. Go easy on yourself and take your time.  There is nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes when it comes to your wants and needs. Sometimes it's ok to do things just for you.  This was the  hardest lesson for me to learn... . That life is meant to be enjoyed and it is ok to say no and It is ok to do things for yourself.