BPD partner exploiting fears & vunerabilities?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read on the net somewhere that BPD tend to seek out an exploit their partners vulnerabilities, is there any truth to that in your situation(s)?

I expressly told my uBPD g/f that my last relationship failed because of lack of communication - she refuses to communicate.

I expressly told my uBPD g/f that I have a deep seated fear of my livelihood being jeopardized from a former g/f throwing me and all my belongings out when she was upset - While living w/ her, arguing, she would repeatedly tell me, "GTFO of her house"

I expressly told her that a past g/f slept with my best friend to get back at me - she has lied about asking a friend of mine (w/ mutual attraction) for his phone number under the disguise of throwing me a surprise B-day party.

I cannot say for sure if anything has happened, but as a result I have minimized contact with the "friend" in hopes of mitigating any future harm, however I feel like I'm the paranoid crazy one!

[frustrated b/f]

I read on the net somewhere that BPD tend to seek out an exploit their partners vulnerabilities, is there any truth to that in your situation(s)?

I expressly told my uBPD g/f that my last relationship failed because of lack of communication - she refuses to communicate.

I expressly told my uBPD g/f that I have a deep seated fear of my livelihood being jeopardized from a former g/f throwing me and all my belongings out when she was upset - While living w/ her, arguing, she would repeatedly tell me, "GTFO of her house"

I expressly told her that a past g/f slept with my best friend to get back at me - she has lied about asking a friend of mine (w/ mutual attraction) for his phone number under the disguise of throwing me a surprise B-day party.

I cannot say for sure if anything has happened, but as a result I have minimized contact with the "friend" in hopes of mitigating any future harm, however I feel like I'm the paranoid crazy one!

[SweetCharlotte]

My H is in denial of having any kind of mental issue, but I have sought help at various times for a mood disorder (Bipolar Type 2) and for alcoholism. My last counsellor is the one who diagnosed my H by my testimony as having BPD.

As soon as there is any conflict in the relationship, my H blurts out, "You're mentally ill." That is meant to negate any perspective I might have about the issue. He is always right because he is not mentally ill, and I am.

When he gets emotionally disregulated, he walks out on me or cancels an upcoming trip to see me (it's a commuter marriage). He also practices stone-walling and silent treatments. When he does these things, he always says that I "gave him no choice." I had created an "unsafe situation" or I was "being confrontational" or "escalating," and the only rational response for him was to get away from me.

He definitely dissociates and does things of which he has no recollection afterwards. Now that my kids are a bit older, they are often my witnesses to what he denies having done. Before, if I witnessed something and he couldn't remember it, it was because I am bipolar. He constantly skews reality but his perception is the trustworthy one, not mine.

He treats me like I need a strait jacket and a padded cell. I have absolutely no credibility with him and he has no respect for my feelings. Yet I am very high-functioning for a bipolar person: never been hospitalized or arrested, never attempted suicide, have a great job, an Ivy-League degree, wonderful kids, a house, etc. By most standards I am less dysfunctional than he is, and when I need help or treatment I go get it. Yet I find myself tied to an emotional bully who constantly exploits his "advantage." I know it is the advantage I gave him, and I have separated from him in contemplation of my next move.

So, in short, they can exploit more than anecdotes from your past or fears that you have told them. It can go right to the core of who you are.

[ucmeicu2]

I read on the net somewhere that BPD tend to seek out an exploit their partners vulnerabilities, is there any truth to that in your situation(s)?

I expressly told my uBPD g/f that my last relationship failed because of lack of communication - she refuses to communicate.

yes as a matter of fact, this really resonates with me.  a couple memories spring to mind:

~ i told xBPDgf that the most painful thing for her to do is not communicate (ie silent treatment, not answer phone, not return calls/texts etc) - seems like she amped up those behaviors and then mocked me for having a reaction.  

~ she told me, from day 1, that if i felt scared (of her, b/c she knew she was "intense"; or scared of anything) to tell her so we could talk about it... . that she always seemed to run people off her her "intensity", that they got scared and couldn't handle it  (WOAH   )  - when i did tell her, often got ignored some more or in one way or another would tell me my perceptions/thoughts/feelings/ were wrong.

~ i told her i was jealous of her ex's and to please take their pics off FB - instead, she added more!  (she never added any of me or me and her b/c i've realized she was embarrassed for her friends/family to know she's lesbian/bi/whatever.)

~ she told me she wished she could do more to help me leave my husband and that she'd not tolerate him treating me bad so when i called her and told her he was mad/throwing stuff around out in the living room you can imagine my utter shock when her response was curt & cold, and said only thing she could do was tell me the phone # of the women's shelter!  (this was before i had moved in with her and i thought perhaps she would at LEAST ask me to come to her place til things cooled off, but no).  (ps my husband knew what was going on, we were estranged at that point not sleeping in same bedroom, etc, so it wasnt technically an affair).

i think 2 things were going on.  i think she enjoyed pushing my buttons (there's her need to control and perhaps some sadistic tendencies) AND i think she could not stand for the focus to be on anyone but her (there's that touch of narcissism).

ok responding to this thread has really gotten me into a lather!  

icu2

[dotSlash]

An ex of mine a long time ago back in hs had severe depression. We weren't together too long, and eventually months after we broke up, she ended up cutting herself. My current BPD gf uses this against me when she rages, telling me that I AM toxic to her, she only does this with me, and it's probably just like how I drove my ex to cut herself. I am smart enough to realize that none of this is true - she's raged at all her exs, and my ex who cut herself was depressed before we started dating and did so long after I was out of the picture. Nonetheless, the personal attack on me still hurts hard once in a while

[Washisheart]

Every chance he gets. I just told him last night I need a man who lifts me up not drags me down. And his response was to go find one cause that isn't him.

[yeager1003]

I feel for you. Exploiting fear and vulnerabilities and your past mistakes is very common in my situation. Any time you admit any weakness you're loading the shotgun and handing it to her. Any time she's deregulated she will use your attempts at being open and honest to project and split, "proving" how insensitive and self-absorbed you are, which of course, makes YOU the "weak" and "needy" one, the very qualities she fears in herself. The other thing that's happened is her irrational belief that YOU have a problem, not her, is reinforced: "See, you're the problem. If you didn't have these issues, I wouldn't have MINE."

This is a double-bind. You are faced with two, equally uncomfortable choices: NEVER share your innermost thoughts and feelings, turning you into some kind of phony most of the time, pretending everything is just A-Ok with you or sharing them with the absolute certainty that you're going to pay for it later. I have tried the latter, coupled with a boundary that if she attempts to use my openness with her as a weapon against me, I will end the discussion until we've both calmed down. I've had very mixed results with this. 

[maxsterling]

This issue gives me the greatest pause when I think about a future with my GF.

When she is upset at me, no matter how small the issue, my fears and insecurities are what she uses to tear me down.  Even though I know where this is coming from and try not to take it personally, it still hurts.  For example, my previous relationship to this one was with an abusive woman who hit her kid in front of me, was an addict whom placed a huge burden on me and her 11 year old son.  But when my current BPD GF is raging, one of the things she does is defend my ex, and says that I was the abusive or neglectful one and I should be sympathetic to the stress that a single mother faces. 

But what is worse is that she never shows any remorse, empathy, or even understanding that I am hurt by her words or actions.  I can tell her that her words were extremely hurtful, but I wonder if she completely lacks the ability to understand that her actions hurt others in the same way others' actions have hurt her.  She sometimes gives global apologies, but I feel like the apologies or corrective actions are focused more on apologizing for her behavior, not apologizing for hurting me. 

[yeager1003]

Maxsterling, the only apologies I ever get is the "sorry, but" ones. "I'm sorry, but if you hadn't been such an ass I wouldn't have said/done it." "I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I was upset." "I'm sorry, but if you were going through what I am you'd understand." (I love that one!)

[frustrated b/f]

LMAO the "Sorry BUT's"

I seriously thought I was the only one (like so many other things before reading up on BPD)! 99.5 out of 100 of my g/f's apologies are always followed by BUT!