Anger management

[daylily]

I'm wondering if anyone here has taken any courses in anger management, and whether or not you think it has helped in your relationship with your pwBPD.  I am finding that, especially lately, I find it hard to keep my anger in check when I'm met with criticisms or insults from my uBPDh.  When he's doing it, he appears cool as a cucumber, communicating his "stabs to my heart" matter-of-factly.  I then become emotional and lash out at him.  I feel compelled to do it, I'm just so angry.  Then he can point out how crazy I'm being, and his point is made even more effectively if the kids are around.

He himself had to take anger management classes after he got into legal trouble over a physical fight he had years ago, before we met.  He has said before that he uses what he learned when we fight so he doesn't lose control.  Maybe if I had that benefit, I could control myself more?

  :)aylily

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[pallavirajsinghani]

Anger management teaches a person how to control the "expression" of anger.  It cannot teach a person how to feel anger with lesser intensity.

So, it seems that you want to learn how to feel less angry when your husband is being abusive.  Yes, the "stabs to the heart" are abusive, even though you may not like to use this particular word.  They are abusive because they make you feel this way and are intended to make you feel this way.

The only way to learn how to feel less anger towards him is to feel detached.  The type of detachment you will frequently see talked about on this site is not synonymous with lack of love.  It is not abandonment of a person who you care for.  It is what is called, "Radical Acceptance".  It is a state of mind where you accept that the BPD sufferer has a mental disorder and what he or she says or the way he or she acts is a symptom of and a result of that disorder.  You learn how to react to it appropriately.  You learn how to first understand what your boundaries and limitations are and how to establish them and how to communicate them and then how to firmly adhere to them.

As you read the many different articles and stories here, you will begin to understand the success of this coping strategy for the non-disordered individual. 

Back to the topic:  It seems to me that anger management will be a wrong direction for you.  It seems that your anger and outrage has a righteous justification.

Hope this helps.

[daylily]

Thank you for your response!  It makes a lot of sense.

I am having trouble with radical acceptance.  I think perhaps its because my H is so high-functioning and doesn't often "rage" anymore.  It's harder for me to believe sometimes that he's mentally ill because he appears so much in control of himself.  But it is, like you're saying, expressing control over his outward expressions rather than his inside emotions.  He is very aware of his outward appearance, especially in public or in front of the children, so even if he's feeling crazy inside, he won't express himself in a way that would tip anyone off to the fact that he's mentally ill.  He merely criticizes, insults, manipulates, and harasses me calmly and sometimes in passing.  I've been trying so hard to walk out of the room when he does this so that I at least won't make things worse.  After calming down, I'm able to ignore what he's saying.

I've said before on this site that it would be easier to accept that my H is mentally ill if he were low-functioning (e.g., self harming, suicidal, etc.), so in some respects, the road to radical acceptance might be harder for those of us with high-functioning partners.  Does this make sense?

  Daylily

[pallavirajsinghani]

Yes, it makes perfect sense.  My husband's brother in law does exactly the same... . he will continuously belittle his wife (my SIL) with small jibes and criticisms... . and if she reacts, he tells her that she is being overly dramatic and has no sense of humor.

My recommendation is that you do not try to change how you "feel".  By ignoring it, you are passing on the message of helplessness to yourself and sending him the message that it is all right for him to continue this behavior.

One suggestion would be to keep your tone non-reactive and non-aggressive... . very plain with no inflection at all and say,  "Ouch... that hurts."  to his jibes.  This way you have expressed your hurt and outrage in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way.  Important thing is consistency in your response.  How will he know that it is hurtful, unless you let him know.  The key is not to say,  "You are hurting me."  Instead a third person statement is less confrontational e.g.,  'That hurts"... . In fact, the less you elaborate and explain, the better it would be.  Or without sarcasm,  "I am sorry you feel that way."

And now we are talking about communication techniques that have proven to be the most effective:  short, simple and direct... . and calm, non-confrontational tone and body language.

Hope this helps a bit.