He left me stranded

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPDbf and I went away for the weekend, to another State to visit his kids.  On our second night we went to a charity function with the kids and a lot of people we didn't know.  I though the night was going really well, we were on the dance floor having fun, when all of a sudden he just agressively stormed off and left me there.  He has done this to me before.  I had no idea why or what was going on, what caused his anger etc.  I was so annoyed.  Normally I would follow him and try to reason with him, but this time I didn't.  I just walked away and went to have a coffee and try to try and figure out what was wrong.

A while later, he walked into the room I was sitting in, and said to me we're leaving now.  I know I should have just got up and left, like I normally would, but for some reason I was annoyed at how he had and was treating me, so I said I didn't want to get into the car with him when he was so angry for no reason.  So he stormed out again.  I was really upset by now, and rang my daughter.  I was on the phone to her when he came back for the second time and very angrily said it was my last chance to leave.  My daughter asked to talk to him, so I put him on to her, but she couldn't reason with him and he just got up and said, Your Choice, and left me there, at a place I've never been before, I had no money nor did I have the address we were staying at.  His kids had already left to go out clubbing with friends.  All I had was my phone.  He had this daughter's car.

So he left me there, it was the worst feeling in the world.  I tried ringing his daughter to get her address, but her phone wasn't working.  I then had to ring his sister, also in another state, and get her to find out the address of where I was staying.  The problem was I had no money on me, and I didnt have a key to get back into the place we were staying so I couldn't even pay for a cab.

His sister eventually got hold of his son, who is 17, who then rang me to say they were getting a cab back to the place I was at to take me home with them.  THey were so upset at their father.  My daughter was also really distressed knowing I was on my own, without money and not knowing where to go.

They eventually picked me up in the cab.  We were all pretty upset and couldn't believe what he'd done.  Also, he didn't even have his phone with him, he had left it on the charge at his daughters, so we couldn't even ring him.

About 6.30 am he arrived back at her house, and climbed into bed.  He acted like nothing was wrong.

When we got up the next morning, he blamed me and said well if I hadn't been so stubborn then this wouldn't have happened.  He said he was tired and wanted to leave.  I had my chance when he told me.

I asked him why he stormed off the dance floor, and he said I said something about him dancing with his dauther, and not with me.  This was not true, I have no idea where that came from, and when I said that to him he made out I was lying.

I don't know, there are so many times when he says I have said things, I haven't, I think he imagines so much and then believes his own thoughts.

But, where I am now, I don't know if I can get past this.  The way he has treated me has done my head in.  He tried to acked fairly normal the next day, but I can't pretnd it's ok, because its not. 

I said to him if this ever happened again, its over, its a dealbreaker.  But, I'm not sure I will even stay with him long enough to see if he does it again, the way I feel right now.

[DreamerGirl]

My BPDbf and I went away for the weekend, to another State to visit his kids.  On our second night we went to a charity function with the kids and a lot of people we didn't know.  I though the night was going really well, we were on the dance floor having fun, when all of a sudden he just agressively stormed off and left me there.  He has done this to me before.  I had no idea why or what was going on, what caused his anger etc.  I was so annoyed.  Normally I would follow him and try to reason with him, but this time I didn't.  I just walked away and went to have a coffee and try to try and figure out what was wrong.

A while later, he walked into the room I was sitting in, and said to me we're leaving now.  I know I should have just got up and left, like I normally would, but for some reason I was annoyed at how he had and was treating me, so I said I didn't want to get into the car with him when he was so angry for no reason.  So he stormed out again.  I was really upset by now, and rang my daughter.  I was on the phone to her when he came back for the second time and very angrily said it was my last chance to leave.  My daughter asked to talk to him, so I put him on to her, but she couldn't reason with him and he just got up and said, Your Choice, and left me there, at a place I've never been before, I had no money nor did I have the address we were staying at.  His kids had already left to go out clubbing with friends.  All I had was my phone.  He had this daughter's car.

So he left me there, it was the worst feeling in the world.  I tried ringing his daughter to get her address, but her phone wasn't working.  I then had to ring his sister, also in another state, and get her to find out the address of where I was staying.  The problem was I had no money on me, and I didnt have a key to get back into the place we were staying so I couldn't even pay for a cab.

His sister eventually got hold of his son, who is 17, who then rang me to say they were getting a cab back to the place I was at to take me home with them.  THey were so upset at their father.  My daughter was also really distressed knowing I was on my own, without money and not knowing where to go.

They eventually picked me up in the cab.  We were all pretty upset and couldn't believe what he'd done.  Also, he didn't even have his phone with him, he had left it on the charge at his daughters, so we couldn't even ring him.

About 6.30 am he arrived back at her house, and climbed into bed.  He acted like nothing was wrong.

When we got up the next morning, he blamed me and said well if I hadn't been so stubborn then this wouldn't have happened.  He said he was tired and wanted to leave.  I had my chance when he told me.

I asked him why he stormed off the dance floor, and he said I said something about him dancing with his dauther, and not with me.  This was not true, I have no idea where that came from, and when I said that to him he made out I was lying.

I don't know, there are so many times when he says I have said things, I haven't, I think he imagines so much and then believes his own thoughts.

But, where I am now, I don't know if I can get past this.  The way he has treated me has done my head in.  He tried to acked fairly normal the next day, but I can't pretnd it's ok, because its not. 

I said to him if this ever happened again, its over, its a dealbreaker.  But, I'm not sure I will even stay with him long enough to see if he does it again, the way I feel right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Alfalffasgirl]

WOW that's crazy, don't know quite what to say... . I do have a question. Where was he all night?

[DreamerGirl]

He didn't have his phone or his wallet, so he also had no idea where we were staying, so he drove around trying to find his way back.  He eventually had to ring his sister, the one I had rang, and get the address from her.  I think he possibly pulled over somewhere and slept  for a while.  But, I'm not sure.

[So hurt]

I feel your pain. My soon to be husband refused to deal with any conflict in our marraige and we hardly ever fought.

He refused wo work out any issues with many and would take off and stay out all night. I would usually rescue him the next day due to worry, I would call him and make things right. The last time he did this, I refused to feed into his bull hit and didn't call him. He stayed out for 3 nights and even slept inhis truck in the backyard ofr the night. It was father's day weekend. I finally went to him and told him enough is enough.

Later in our relationship he blamed me for ruining his Father;s Day and refused he couldn't believe I had done this to him. He did this to himself.

Leaving like that is so manipulative. They cut your legs out from underneath you. This is a dealbreaker. I am sure he is capable of doing that again with the knowledge and fear of doing it again.

I am a good person and didn't deserve the behavior that was given to me. He is now gone and as painful as it is, it is a relief not to deal with his tension and nonsense anymore. I think the BPD gets worse with age and no treatment.

Believe in your own goodness and don't take on his bad behavior as yours.

[Alfalffasgirl]

Oh so he wasn't familiar with this place... . I only asked where he was because after I found out my BPD was having an affair I realized that he would start a fight with me out of the blue leaving me dumbfounded only to be able to storm out of our house and meet up with his mistress. So I naturally thought the worst of your guy. Sorry if that wasn't the case.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I said to him if this ever happened again, its over, its a dealbreaker.  But, I'm not sure I will even stay with him long enough to see if he does it again, the way I feel right now.

I don't know if he'd believe you since you're staying now.  I can see why you're wondering if you should stay.

How long have you been together?

It's scary that he's accused you of saying something that you didn't say.  From your version, it doesn't seem that you were talking at all on the dance floor.  Or maybe you were talking, but the music was loud and he misheard? 

I hate it when I've been told that I said something that I didn't say.  Often it happens weeks later and so it's much harder to deny.  I often think that my H dreams these things, and then believes the dream is real. 

[Alfalffasgirl]

Sad wife, I have often wondered that myself about the dream and reality thing. Last week he showed me a clip from youtube that he thought I would find especially cute and when I said "yeah you showed that one to me yesterday" because he did... . he said "That is a lie I have never seen this clip until just now." That was a new kind of what kind of warped reality do I live in. I didn't contradict him because I know better, but how can someone for get they saw something already? I'm stumped.

[DreamerGirl]

Iansey: Mine also can't deal with conflict either.  He has always walked off at the first sign of what he perceives as conflict.  It's very frustrating not being able to talk through issues and resolve them. 

In some strange way I think he actually got pleasure out of stranding me.  He seemed to think I deserved it, because he said he gave me the chance to leave and I didn't leave when he told me too, so I bought it on myself. 

Alfalffasgirl: No I fully believe he was totally lost and couldn't find his way back.  When he climbed into bed, he put his arm around me and it felt like a block of ice. 

SadWifeofBPD: We've been together just over 18 months.  Things have mostly been good.  Every few months he seems to do something that is damaging to our relationship, but this is the worst he has done to me.

I'm still trying to clear my head, I've pulled back and haven't seen him for two days now.  I need time to work this out. I'm not doing this to punish him, I'm doing this for my own sanity.  I don't expect him to take responsibility for his behaviour, because he doesn't see that he did anything wrong.  As for whether he believes me, that this is a dealbreaker, should it ever happen again, it really doesn't matter.  I believe it and know it, so if he chooses to test it, then he will see that I meant what I said.  It wasn't easy for me to make a dealbreaker, because I know I will stick to it, and also, there is a high chance of him doing something like this again.  It makes me sad.

I've racked my brain, trying to work out what triggered him on the dance floor.  I can't find anything. It would have been very hard to hear anything if we were talking, maybe I said something and he thought I said something else?  Maybe I wasn't giving him enough attention, I just don't know.  He was already a bit stressed, from spending so much time with his kids, which seems to stress him a bit, so maybe that played a part as well.

You are right about the dreams.  Mine has said to me that there are times when he doesn't know if he dreamed something or if it really happened.  One time he dreamed he won tattslotto and he spend ages looking for his ticket.  There's been lot's of other times too.

He is also very sensitive to my facial expresions.  If I'm not smiling, then he often thinks I am angry.  But there have been many occasions when he says I have said something, which I totally haven't, so I know he has imagined I said it.  It's hard because when I say I didn't, he thinks I'm in denial.  He has even said "do I have to record everything you say". He also  at times takes things I say the wrong way, thinking I was putting him down or something.  If I never spoke again, and just smiled at him all the time, I would be his perfect girlfriend.

[SweetCharlotte]

If I never spoke again, and just smiled at him all the time, I would be his perfect girlfriend.

Even then, he would misconstrue a look on your face or claim you were mocking him.

This kind of behavior at 18 months of a dating relationship would easily be a deal-breaker for many people. If you do stay, just remember his perception and memory are both distorted during these episodes. It's a true psychotic break. You would have to be sure to always have money, a credit card, phone, and the number of your hotel or place you are staying on your person whenever you are traveling with him. Now that he has shown that he is capable of this, it can happen again.

[lostandunsure]

It's funny that you mentioned facial expressions. This is apparently very common for pwBPD. I just posted this earlier today:

"I'm new to the whole BPD diagnosis and have been doing a lot of research and one of the pages I found was that a study was done on people with BPD and their ability to read facial expressions (see article here: www.healthfinder.gov/News/Article/676507/people-with-borderline-personality-disorder-may-misinterpret-facial-emotions), in most cases, they weren't able to do it and when they did, they were wrong and almost always attributed a negative emotion to pretty much whatever expression they had. I've found this to be very true in my marriage. If I'm "neutral", she thinks I'm mad at her for a made up reason. If I'm "happy" even smiling and laughing, I must be laughing at her or joking at her expense (which I never do, why would I do that?). I kept thinking that by now [after 17 years] she should be able to know my expressions. Nope, and I've come to terms that it's just not going to happen. I do my best to explain how I'm feeling and trying to reassure her that I'm telling the truth... . Not always easy."

I also agree that constant smiling eventually will be turned against you... . That you would be mocking him with your smile.

My wife also has an intense need to be right about some remembered comment. If I challenge her on something, even if I know I'm right, she will get very argumentative. It is a major trigger point. She says that I'm just trying to confuse her and make her feel stupid. So, I try my best to pick and choose when I point out when she's got something wrong.

One other comment, I know that if he tries this again, it will be the last straw. And I agree with that. But the fact that he knows that may make him do it again just to see how far he can push you. My uBPDw is constantly testing the limits when she is triggered. Just be prepared for boundary testing as he may see just how far he can push that line.

[DreamerGirl]

SweetCharlotte: To know that I can't rely on him anymore to be there for me, and that I need to be on guard now, whenever we go anywhere, as he could just get up and leave me there, is what I'm struggling with.  I need to feel protected, loved and cared for and to trust he will always have my back, but now I don't know how I ever can after this.  Maybe over time, but I think even if he doesnt do this again, I will always worry now.  Yes, you're right about always having a credit card and a means to look after myself, I will never be in that situation again. 

lostandunsure: Wow, that article really says it all. It gets hard always trying to have the right facial expression, so as not to upset him.  Because with my boyfriend, he wont say anything straight away, he will act like everything is fine, and then a day or so later, he will give me the silent treatment because he thought I smirked or said something to put him down. I have to explain to him that wasn't what I was doing, and my intentions were not to hurt him.  He is usually fine after that, and sometimes says he feels bad that he thought I did something, and then finds out I didn't, and he spent days angry at me. 

He told me recently, he had been extremely angry and upset at me for something he thought I had said a while back, and then he found out he had taken it the wrong way.  He was so angry at himself for nearly breaking up with me about this imagined thing I had said.  He said he was sad because he knew he was going to miss me and the highs he gets from me.  All this time that he was thinking of breaking up with me, I had no idea.  He can act normalish when he is seething mad at me. 

With the boundary testing, that's what I thought when I said this will be a dealbreaker.  That's another reason I feel sad, because I don't think he will be able to not test it out.  He likes to be in control, and for me to set a boundary, makes him feel like i'm taking away his power. 

[SweetCharlotte]

The only reason this particular situation hasn't happened to me, DG, is that I drive and own a car and he doesn't. He has a driver's license but believes he's not able to drive because of a numb sensation he claims to get in his right leg. I have no idea whether this numbness is real or imagined. He is missing a disc in his back because of a failed experimental operation, so it could be medically true. He lives in a city with plenty of public transportation and when he visits me in my city, I do all the driving.

If you need to feel cared for and protected, this relationship may not be for you. He has no control over when an outbreak will happen next. You have been with him long enough so that, when he gets into bad emotional space, he looks at you as the cause.

My uBPDh has run away from me upon encountering me when I showed up at his apartment unannounced (he stayed in a hotel until I left town), has ordered me out of his doctor's office when I was accompanying him on a surgery follow-up appointment (because I was joking, not about him, and he found my merriment offensive), and most recently, walked out of my house in the middle of the night, took a taxi to a hotel, and flew out of town the next morning. He claimed that I had been shouting at him. My kids are both witnesses to the fact that I was not shouting. However, he wanted to sleep on the sofa and I did not want him in a public place in the house, exposed to my kids unsupervised, while he was evidently having a psychotic break. So I asked him and then told him over and over to come to bed. He just whipped out his iPhone, and BAM, taxi and gone. Haven't seen him since, but he texts me "Love you" every day.

[SadWifeofBPD]

What concerns me is that he left you so vulnerable... . no phone, no money... . in a strange place.  For all he knew, you may never have made it back. 

He likes to be in control, and for me to set a boundary, makes him feel like i'm taking away his power. 

This is what I struggle with.  H comes from a family where their attitude is:  If someone tells us not to do something, we're sure going to DO IT.  They would view a "boundary" as a dare.  They would purposely do something that they're told not to do.  They all have "problems with authority" and challenge any perception of being told what to do or not to do. 

[SweetCharlotte]

What concerns me is that he left you so vulnerable... . no phone, no money... . in a strange place.  For all he knew, you may never have made it back. 

 

This is true and it points to a central fact about a relationship with a person with a PD: there is a limit to their love.

Can you say that a person really and truly loves you if there are times when they evidently don't care whether you live or die?

You can't. Their love has limits. Their limits are much more significant and permanent than our boundaries!

[SadWifeofBPD]

What concerns me is that he left you so vulnerable... . no phone, no money... . in a strange place.  For all he knew, you may never have made it back. 

 

This is true and it points to a central fact about a relationship with a person with a PD: there is a limit to their love.

Can you say that a person really and truly loves you if there are times when they evidently don't care whether you live or die?

You can't. Their love has limits. Their limits are much more significant and permanent than our boundaries!

Very true.  And, if a story like this one were told to a T, it would tip the T off that the person likely has a serious PD, such as BPD. 

When I was 8 months pregnant and very injured to the point that I couldn't move, H became so angry that I asked for some water, that he pulled out the bedside phone, and left me alone all night.  The fact that he couldn't process that he was putting my life and our child's life in possible danger - was early evidence that H has a PD.   After all, I could have gone into labor that night and would not have been able to call for help.   IF I had known that incidence was a huge red flag, I would have told it to a couple's therapist years ago.

[DreamerGirl]

SweetCharlotte:  I also own and drive my own car, and he doesn't have one either, so we always take my car out.  I wonder if he did have one, would this have happened earlier on.

I know what it feels like to be accused of yelling, when you're not.  My BPDbf has a said this a few times to me, said that I have raised my voice, or I'm hyped up as he likes to say, when I'm not at all. 

How very true "There is a limit to their love". My bf would do what he did to his own daughter, if the situation ever arose.  I know this, because I asked him.  He said, if she acted stubborn like you did and wouldn't leave when I said, then why should I put up with it. She would deserve it.

SadWifeofBPD:  That is really terrible what happened to you, so scary how they can just love us so much at one moment, and then treat us like we mean absolutely nothing the next to them.  It seems to be all about them.

[SadWifeofBPD]

SadWifeofBPD:  That is really terrible what happened to you, so scary how they can just love us so much at one moment, and then treat us like we mean absolutely nothing the next to them.  It seems to be all about them.

Yes, it made me realize that if I were to ever become seriously ill (cancer, whatever), I could never depend on him to "be there" for me ... . maybe for a day or so, but certainly not long term.  Thank goodness we have very loving and caring kids, otherwise, I could end up being completely neglected in such a case. 

I have a dear friend whose H has a PD.  She went thru breast cancer treatments a few years ago and her H never did anything for her.  He acted like there was nothing wrong.  He didn't even go to Dr. visits with her unless she insisted. Thankfully, I was able to drive her to and from her chemo appts otherwise she really would have been in a pickle since their kids were too young to drive at the time. 

Most husbands would be very devoted at a time like this (stage 3 cancer), but he never asked any questions, never did anything for her.  Of course after each chemo treatment she'd be "wiped out" nauseous, etc ... . but he told her that she should still do every thing because (in his words):  "you don't look sick".   Ugh... . she'd lost her hair, her face was pale, etc.   Lots of cancer victims don't "look" deathly sick, but they ARE sick!

It's very painful knowing that in "normal relationships" a spouse loves you so much that they would never think of doing such things. 

[SweetCharlotte]

SadWifeofBPD: so sorry to hear that you were neglected like that during a difficult stage in your pregnancy, but glad things turned out OK. Yes, doesn't it make you jealous to see that "normal" husbands are extra-caring when their wives are pregnant? I went through my second pregnancy (conceived by an anonymous donor) totally alone and, given my bizarre "taste" in men, it was much easier than the first pregnancy, during which I was married to a man casually diagnosed by one of our r/s counsellors as having "a disorder on the autistic spectrum." On the night I went into labor, he was nowhere to be found. I had to drive myself to the hospital, pulling over for contractions every few minutes. He makes my current H look like a total sweetheart (current H has no biological children).

DreamerGirl: see what happens when he has wheels for one weekend? That is definitely something my H would do to me if he thought he were capable of driving. Imagine the stories his daughter could tell. If you get to know her well enough she may tell you some.

At 18 months into a relationship, it is hard for a woman to leave a man. There's a well-known study out of how hard a loss of a relationship is by gender and length of r/s. The study involved partners who lost their r/s through death of a partner, but I think it's similar to the "loss" we would suffer in breaking up with a partner who turns out to have a PD we cannot tolerate. For women the toughest time to lose a partner was during engagement, just before marriage. For men the toughest time (measured by impact on the person's mental and physical health) was after many years of marriage. I hope you will keep the Boards posted on what you decide to do.

[jslim71]

That's seminar to what I'm going through now and I'm at a loss for Words. You should have a look at my post it will give you a better idea of what I'm going through. Right now I feel lost.

[OffRoad]

I've racked my brain, trying to work out what triggered him on the dance floor.  I can't find anything. It would have been very hard to hear anything if we were talking, maybe I said something and he thought I said something else?  Maybe I wasn't giving him enough attention, I just don't know.  He was already a bit stressed, from spending so much time with his kids, which seems to stress him a bit, so maybe that played a part as well.

If he is anything like my H, the noise and people overwhelm him. He thinks he's OK, but then it suddenly becomes too much and since he's on emotional overload, he can't even convey what his problem is. He just knows he has to leave, and he's angry because he doesn't understand why he needs to leave. I was often the brunt of the anger, until I figured it out. It's a lot easier not to take the anger personally when you know why something is happening.

He is also very sensitive to my facial expresions.  If I'm not smiling, then he often thinks I am angry. But there have been many occasions when he says I have said something, which I totally haven't, so I know he has imagined I said it.  It's hard because when I say I didn't, he thinks I'm in denial.  He has even said "do I have to record everything you say". He also  at times takes things I say the wrong way, thinking I was putting him down or something.  If I never spoke again, and just smiled at him all the time, I would be his perfect girlfriend.

BBM: Been there done that, own the t-shirt... .I have, in fact, recorded our conversations occasionally. H will sometimes turn 8 shades of purple when I show one to him, but since I also have a recording of him saying it was OK to record the conversations, he has learned to bite his tongue and say through gritted teeth " I guess I can't argue with that." I can then expect not to see him as he will be playing computer games for the next three days, but that's OK, too.

[Loosestrife]

I've had this happen several times in my relationship to the point where all the trust is now gone. I think now it's happened once and there have been no consequences then it will happen again. Have you thought about taking some time out to think about it ?