Watching a train wreck

[worriedsis75]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but have been reading these boards for a couple of weeks and my heart goes out to so many of you dealing with the effects of BPD.

My situation is a bit different.  I actually started researching personality disorders because my brother is married to someone who, although undiagnosed, definitely has one. They have been married 10 years and have 2 kids, D7 &:)8. Theirs has always been a stormy relationship and I will be glad to go into details if you are interested, but for this post I will limit things to the recent happenings.

My brother's wife has always been in charge of the family finances. In the past, water & electricity have been shut off due to nonpayment many times. If my brother has tried to get information about the finances when this happens, the result is WWIII. It gets flipped around on him and he's somehow the one in the wrong for suggesting that she has not properly handled the money. He gives in and she retains sole control of the money as we as information about the money.  So about 4 years ago he gets a knock at the door and a gentleman tells my brother that his company can help him with his mortgage problem.  My brother asks "what problem?". Turns out wife hasn't paid the mortgage for 14 months & the house is going up for sheriff's sale the following week. He is of course freaking out,  she again tries to flip it so that he's a jerk for his reaction, she was working on refinancing it, that's why she didn't pay, she didn't tell him because she didn't want to stress him out, etc. I've refinanced my house, it takes less tban a month and both people on tbe mortgage have to be involved, so her story was nonsense. When asked where the money was, she revealed that she had funnelled it into a private account, but only half of it was there. So my brother had to withdraw $15, 000 from his 401k and borrow $10, 000 from her dad. She was furious with him for telling her dad what happened, but the only other person who could bail them out was my mom, which would have been so much worse for his wife.

So after this, at first my brother insists that he needs to have some involvement in the finances but again gets worn down by her guilt and anger. She tells him that the mortgage has been set up on automatic withdrawal so it's not an issue anymore.  Again he allows himself to be forced  out.

Fast forward to last year. His wife has started taking adderall. She has also started workind as a manager of a dental office. She never graduated from high school or got a GED, but she lies

about it on job apps and even has a college degree listed on her Facebook acct. Anyway, she starts to not come home after work at least one or two times a week. No call, nothing. Won't answer phone or texts. Meanwhile, brother is home taking care of kids. When he tells her this is unacceptable she once again makes him out to be the unreasonable one. She continues this behavior and is finally caught in an affair with her old boss who i nows a family friend, his wife catches them & tells my brother. She does not intend to stop the affair,  says she's in love. My brother leaves, files for divorce. Things get ugly. She files a number of unwarranted protective orders against him, files false police reports alleging domestic violence, tells any friends who will listen that he is horrible and violent and that's why she had to leave.  Meanwhile my brother is the one who is taking care of the kids while she's running all over the place partying.  I convince him that he really needs to run a credit report & find out the reality of his finances. He does, and she has never paid the mortgage since the last time they cleared it up a couple years ago. Literally,  not once. So the house is once again up for sheriff's sale.

The past year has been a yo yo experience, with her alternating qualified apologies and bullying tactics and guilt trips, and my brother swearing it's over then returning a week or a month later because he can't take the guilt from her constant texts (literally 30 in 2 minutes when I was with him) and leaving a week or month later when the abuse continues. I can't imagine how hard this is for the kids.

So a couple of weeks ago he went back to her again, determined to work it out.  He comes home from work last Friday and nobody is home. About half an hour later, his daughters come through the door, filthy from having been outside in the woods all day. Their mother is gone, nobody knows where. Turns out she got arrested for shoplifting. She left her 7 & 8 year old kids out running in the neighborhood,  didn't even tell them she was leaving, to go shoplifting. She finally cas my brother and tells him she got into a fender bender at the store and the police saw she had a warrant for a prior shoplifting event, that's why she got arrested, but the police assured him that there was no fender bender, the shoplifting was caught on video, and was no way "accidental" (the excuse she gave him for the prior shoplifting that he knew about)  and it was actually her 3rd arrest for shoplifting that year.

So he picked her up from court yesterday and intends to force her to commit herself for a psych evaluation. I have tried to direct him to this site but he seems unwilling at the moment. I wish he would run like hellvfrom tbis woman and take himself and his kids to some sort of stable environment, but I understand it is a decision he has to make that has consequences that he and his kids must live with.  He was a happy,  fun-loving guy, so smart and hysterically funny. He has become an anxiety filled shell. I cringe to think of the impact she is having on her children.  There is so much more crazy behavior from her but I feel like I've gone on quite long enough to illustrate. I'm convinced she's either BPD or a straight sociopath, either way I fear for my brother's future.

[TJCH]

I am so sorry for the pain this is causing you and your brother.  My heart breaks for you.  I just joined this site as well and yours is the first post I read.  I have a sister who I am quite sure suffers from BPD (no official diagnosis, but the behavior she exhibits and the resulting dysfunction in her life is an undeniable wreck).  As a sibling sometimes it is SO hard to help in these situations - I have tried everything from trying to get her a job to being supportive to giving her space to reaching out to our parents and it always ends as (to use your expression) WWIII.  You want to help, but it is so frustrating because there is so little you can do and you feel helpless and powerless as someone you love dearly suffers, like your brother.  I wish I had some strong advice for you - all I can tell you is that your story struck me to the core and I sincerely hope and pray that the situation will improve and she will either get help for her issues or move on and give your brother the peace he deserves. 

[worriedsis75]

TJCH, thanks! Your reply brought tears to my eyes because it felt so good to be heard by somebody who is dealing with a similar situation, though I am sorry for your sister and how it must affect you and your family. I think you're right, not much I can do about it, but my heart breaks for him. He is my best friend and I want so much better for his life.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi worriedsis75,

Welcome!   It can be really frustrating having a relative with BPD, and from what you've said, your sister-in-law's behavior is very concerning. I don't blame you for being worried about your brother.

What does your brother say about his wife's behavior? Does he seem to see her behavior as troubling?

What kind of relationship do you want with your brother, his wife and your nieces?

Hang in there. You're not alone here, and you'll find that there are many others who have relatives with BPD who can relate to you. Stick around and you'll be amazed at the support you'll find. 

-GG

[worriedsis75]

Hi geekygirl, thanks for responding.

My brother certainly finds his wife's behavior troubling. If he leaves, she wears him down with guilt into coming back. She uses the children as well. When he returns she convinces him that his boundaries are unfair and a husband smust treat his wife with absolute trust if they are going to work on it. It doesn't matter that she did all of these things, that was "in the past". Except that it's not in the past. Really I can't explain how she convinces him to do these things that everyone else sees as insane and/or stupid. She is a truly gifted liar and manipulator the likes of which I never imagined possible. He is also particularly vulnerable to her because she knows exactly which strings to pull to get her desired reaction. So yes, he knows something is very wrong, but he also feels obligated to save her.

As for my relationship with him, he is my best friend, always has been, always will. As for her, I want no relationship because she is such a scary manipulator. There will never be trust so I can't imagine a relationship.  As for my nieces, I wish somebody would just get a grip and put them first, give them some sort of chance for a normal childhood and healthy adulthood.

[GeekyGirl]

It has to be hard to see your brother with someone who behaves like your SIL does.   

As for my relationship with him, he is my best friend, always has been, always will. As for her, I want no relationship because she is such a scary manipulator. There will never be trust so I can't imagine a relationship.  As for my nieces, I wish somebody would just get a grip and put them first, give them some sort of chance for a normal childhood and healthy adulthood.

I know what you mean. I'd feel the same way, but as you probably know, it's going to be incredibly tough for you to have a relationship with your brother and nieces without involving your SIL. You can be a positive force in your nieces' life--it sounds like they're very important to you, and I'm certain that they'll want and need the love that you're willing to give them.

Is your brother open to getting help for himself, from an emotional, financial or legal staNPDoint? It must be awful for him to be in this situation, and it's so important for him to protect himself and the girls.

[worriedsis75]

I live very far away from my brother so while I talk to him every day it is pretty easy for me to not be involved with her. I get to see him only once a year. That once was in July this year when all of us (5 siblings) came home to visit. Our mother and my 2 brothers all still live there, me and my 2 sisters live very far. It was the first time we'd all been together in over 2 years and it was awful. He would come to my parents house with the girls and leave his wife at home. She would text him relentlessly the whole time making him feel guilty. If she had the kids while he was visiting she would take off with them (at 12:30 at night with nowhere to go) and tell them that daddy was choosing his family over them. He moved out, then moved back in, then out again and in a few days after i'd left. She's so horrible, I really think it would be impossible for me to be civil to her. But sadly the distance also makes it impossible for me to have much impact on the kids who are obviously neglected when she's in a good mood and emotionally abused when she's not.

Is my brother open to help? Yes, I'd say so, but I think he's too depressed and overwhelmed to get himself in motion.