Painting me black

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The term "black and white thinking" refers specifically to splitting, a psychological mechanism or thought process in which "things"  (people, places, etc) are either "all good" or "all bad/evil."  With respect to BP relationships, this usually refers to the tendency for BPs to idolize their partners during the early stage of the relationship and then, tho not always, to "demonize" them later on or in the end: the once-idolized partner is now seen as "all bad," they are often blamed for everything, they can do nothing right, etc.  This is often accompanied by a smear campaign (often called being "painted black" to others) where the BP tells anyone who will listen - and worse, often seeks out people important to the (former) partner specifically to destroy his/her reputation. 

This was quoted from a former discussion I believe back in 2010.  I have been painted black as many of us have on here... not fun and very hurtful.  But the thing that caught my eye the most from the post was the

smear campaign

.   

As long as I can remember he has always smeared our relationship if not to me directly, then to family and friends... to whom ever would be his audience where he could come off as the victim.  But then in the same breath turn around and tell them... he’s working it out with me because we love each other.  I never understood this... you bad mouth me (paint me black) all the way to the bank and back... but then turn around a fight to the death on how much we love each other?      

I know this whole cutting me out, painting me black... telling everybody how BAD I was and how much I destroyed him and pissed all over him as he is crying now... is just an extension of the smearing he has always done to me... . but come on!  can they really be this confused upstairs on what happened between us?   I am having a really hard time with this non-accountability for your actions stuff... or the shift in reality!   BPD,s know no better... ? 

[Notthesame64]

The term "black and white thinking" refers specifically to splitting, a psychological mechanism or thought process in which "things"  (people, places, etc) are either "all good" or "all bad/evil."  With respect to BP relationships, this usually refers to the tendency for BPs to idolize their partners during the early stage of the relationship and then, tho not always, to "demonize" them later on or in the end: the once-idolized partner is now seen as "all bad," they are often blamed for everything, they can do nothing right, etc.  This is often accompanied by a smear campaign (often called being "painted black" to others) where the BP tells anyone who will listen - and worse, often seeks out people important to the (former) partner specifically to destroy his/her reputation. 

This was quoted from a former discussion I believe back in 2010.  I have been painted black as many of us have on here... not fun and very hurtful.  But the thing that caught my eye the most from the post was the

smear campaign

.   

As long as I can remember he has always smeared our relationship if not to me directly, then to family and friends... to whom ever would be his audience where he could come off as the victim.  But then in the same breath turn around and tell them... he’s working it out with me because we love each other.  I never understood this... you bad mouth me (paint me black) all the way to the bank and back... but then turn around a fight to the death on how much we love each other?      

I know this whole cutting me out, painting me black... telling everybody how BAD I was and how much I destroyed him and pissed all over him as he is crying now... is just an extension of the smearing he has always done to me... . but come on!  can they really be this confused upstairs on what happened between us?   I am having a really hard time with this non-accountability for your actions stuff... or the shift in reality!   BPD,s know no better... ? 

[Reg]

Yep, you did hit the nail spot on ! They don't know no better !

Stuck in the emotions of three year old, saw this kind of behavior last weekend from a 3 year old and I had to start laughing (I'm as good as over the whole situation) how similar it was in a way... .

Reality shifts in their head in whatever way they don't have to feel shame or blame for things, also the reason I think why they start to forget things or what happened (such as in PTSS), they don't know anymore what reality was.

Say a 3 old behaves bad, and you tell them, and they won't do it again.  They ask if they are now a good boy or girl.  You confirm it.  So they think again they have never been bad.  But actually they did behave bad.  I think it is very similar.

[Notthesame64]

Reg... I just have a hard time accepting a grown man, that can do grown things like work, fix a car, hobbies etc... has no capabilities to realize that his behavior was the root of our issues and his own family issues.  How could you think if you go around spilling ugly things about the person you SO called loved or spilling ugly things about your own family, that it wouldn’t end up either getting you cut out or dismissed from a relationship or your family altogether.

This non-accountability for your ownactions really has me angry and confused. 

He has lied to me, cheated on line with me, cut me out, recycled me a thousand times, ignored me, isolated me... mentally abused me in more ways I ever thought possible, no intimacy, no validation, de-valued me, called me things... used everything I have ever done, said accepted from him against me and yet I pissed all over his life?  I forgave his actions more times than I can shake a stick at and yet... . NEVER EVER... cried wolf to anyone! 

OK... can you tell I'm having a bad resentment day?  when will I get past him... . when?

[Aussie0zborn]

You will get past it. It just takes time.  The smear campaign makes them feel better about themselves. Just remember that you can get over this but the BPD will always have a life of turmoil. You are better off without him so start thanking yourself for having the courage to go through this process. As unpleasant as it seems right now you will come out a lot stronger and much wiser.

[Reg]

Notthesame64,

I know how you feel very well.  My ex was super at her job, one of the best team members I ever had in retail.  She got promoted twice by me.  Even when she had some doubts of being able to become my administrative right hand and later assistant manager.  I had written the courses on the new computersystem for our retail group, learned her everything on the matter, and at the end, she was better at it then I was ! We worked together for over 2.5 years before our relation started and I never ever experienced something really curious in her behavior !  When we had an audit, she always scored in the top three of our country.

You say you are angry and confused, been there myself.  I understand you very well again.  When will you get over this, you will, I'm as good as there myself, and I understand myself a lot better as well.  Nobody can say how long for someone else.  My breakup was at the first day of the year, I triggered it thinking she was narcistic.  In February the verdict came, BPD, except for a few mails in that period, and four long talks on BPD, which lead to nothing at all, I haven't seen her since early June.

I have a new e-mail (she thinks) new phone number, and got her so far that she blocked me now everywhere.  I'm black and would like to keep it that way !

I think we are also very lucky to have this site and the support from others in the same situation, which can help us a lot not to fall in the same traps again !

You have a bad day, I know, but believe it, better days will be coming ! 

[Notthesame64]

Aussie I hope you are so right!

It has been 10 months since I moved... 3 months since the last time we spoke and of course it was all ugliness and black as can be from the other side of my phone.

I don’t want to date, I don’t care about men right now and when I think of men all I see is pain and suffering.  

I don’t cry really anymore... and my anger comes and goes... today its back.  I remember loving him, I remember pleading with him... but I also remember just wanting him to get the f-out of my life after the last horrible lie he told to me... just to intentionally hurt me!   I have never done ANYTHING to intentionally hurt him... . but he has done things like that to me and finally, finally I said enough is enough and walked away for good!  

Yes time heals all... . but seriously... time needs to speed the hell up!

Thanks for your support Aussie and Reg...  

[danley]

Painting someone black is a way to vent and it is a reinforcement for them that there actions against you are justified. Yes, it is not a healthy way but in their minds it's like if they say it enough times it MUST be true. It doesn't matter if it's something totally far fetched and contradictory. It is a way to self soothe and take some of the blame off themselves. But being painted black to your face and smashed to the ground isn't fun at all. Just remember that it's just a coping mechanism... . unhealthy but real in their BPD minds.