So, yesterday was a mess...

[lostandunsure]

I think I just need to vent, I don't know if anything can really be done at the moment, it's just been an overwhelming couple of weeks for both of us.

So, let me set the stage... .

First several months ago I sprained my ankle, it isn't healing, it's still swelling and painful. Had an MRI last week and discovered that it's not just a sprain, but a stress fracture. I'll be seeing an orthopedic surgeon this week. We currently live in a 110 year old house, on the upper floor with my uBPDw's art studio on the first floor (which she doesn't use). Since the sprain, there have been discussions about moving, selling the house, and getting one with no stairs, or completely re-arranging the current house so we would live on the first floor (there's no kitchen on the first floor) and all kinds of stress because I haven't been able to walk as much... .

Then for the last week we've both been very sick with fevers, hacking cough, sore throat and feeling very very tired. I usually get 2 days to be sick and then I better be back on my feet, I just wasn't able to swing that this time, which means that statements like "We're always sick" "We're never going to get better" and all kinds of depression and anxiety about who's going to take care of us are being tossed around (on top of the whole "we need to move" discussions).

Yesterday was the last straw when the main upstairs hot water heater sprung a major leak (we had/have two, one for each floor, since the kitchen and the main bathroom are upstairs, that is the one that broke). My wife discovered the basement was flooded (it was a significant leak and the nearest drain was clogged... . I came home as soon as she texted me.

Well... . There I was home from work, still sick, trying to get the water shut off (she had shut off the water supply to the outside garden hoses, not to the internal plumbing.) When I get another text message that she wanted me to come upstairs... .

Somehow the water heater breaking was my fault. I should have done something about it as soon as it started leaking, even though I didn't know it was leaking... . She kept pressing me for a plan and when I closed my eyes to think for a moment (I'm on cough syrup, antibiotics and a pain killer), she took that to mean that I didn't have a plan. I asked for a little leniency due to all the medication, the fever, etc, which provoked an "I'M SICK TOO!" response, which I countered with "I didn't say you weren't, I'm just asking for some understanding." The conversation wasn't going anywhere but downhill, and I still had water leaking into the basement since it hadn't been shut off. I tried to figure out what she needed, but of course she just needed to be mad and someone to be mad at, me. I don't remember what I said, but I managed to leave the conversation during one of the silent periods.

I found out later, that while I was downstairs getting the water shut off and assessing the damage, she had started scratching herself and removed a portion of her upper skin layer from a patch of her arm, not much, but it is her "go-to" self harm behavior. Eventually, she calmed down and after her Dad left (she calls him when she thinks I'm out of my element and need help, turns out, I did everything right.) But she started comparing herself to every other woman and how anyone else would have handled it better and wouldn't have had to call their husbands home from work... . How the house is too much and there is "always" something going wrong. It wasn't an argument it was a "comfort me" and "everything is about me" moment. Eventually, she calmed down and sat outside with the dogs while I mopped up the basement and cleaned things up.

Today, things are better... . She's in her "I'm just in a poopy mood" and is "tired". but I'm worried about the self harm. It only pops up at extreme times like this, but it still worries me. I'm hoping that now that she's had her blow up, that things will calm down for a little while, but I'm also worried about what will happen if there is something significantly wrong with my ankle that goes beyond putting me in a walking boot or cast of some sort... . I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

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[maxsterling]

Wow, I almost experienced the same thing. And how many times in two days have I posted that statement!  I can certainly empathize with what you are going through.

With mine, it was the washing machine.  It had been leaking a little for awhile, and I told her that one of these weekends I need to figure out where it is leaking from.  But the machine still worked, it just left a small puddle on the floor that needed to be mopped up.

Two weekends ago, I was doing laundry.  When I went to take the clothes out, they were still dripping wet.  The washing machine wasn't spinning the clothes dry.  I opened it up to see what was wrong.  She had been gone, and came home to find the washing machine taken apart.  She asked what happened, and then said "I wish you wouldn't take things apart like this on a sunday when I have laundry to do.  How am I supposed to get my laundry washed?"   She acted like the washing machine being broke was my fault!  I explained again that the machine was broken, and I had no other choice.  I then suggested that I just buy a new one, and then she made a comment about how much it would cost.  So, I finished taking it apart, to her annoyance, placed the large pieces on the lawn to hose the gunk off of them, and told her I think I can fix it, but have to wait until Monday to get the parts.  Monday, I got the parts but could not repair it after work because I was tending to her needs.  That night she said "If you can't fix it, just get rid of the parts.  The yard looks like a junkyard and it is stressing me out."  Tuesday, I got it back together, and it now works beautifully, with no leaks.  And she never once thanked me for getting it fixed or apologized for blaming me. 

It just amazes me how a pwBPD can't step back and see how something isn't your fault, interprets someone doing something nice or good as something bad or hurtful, and can't offer a simple "thank you" or a simple gesture of understanding.