What hurts so bad (for me), is that the point he decided was the point of no return, I had fallen for him hard and I knew he felt (as far as he could) the same due to his way around me, actions etc.
This seems to be a very common coping strategy that you see often repeated if you read up on others experiences from break ups with pwBPD. It was actually somewhat the same with my ex BPD guy. From my experience I think it is the way they have taught themselves to shut down when the emotional overflow meeter is starting to become alarmingly high... . They fear panic and overload of feelings because they don't have any sound ways to self soothe or bring themselves back to balance, so emotional overload easily becomes panic for many of the people with this disorder... . And shutting down becomes then a dysfunctional, but still functional coping mechanism... .
It is not about you, but all about him and how he handles or cannot handle intimacy and or stability... . Because those things seem to be triggers for him. Triggers for emotional overload... .
It's like your head knows all of this and it's trying to kick your heart into gear!
This is a good thing! See unlike people with BPD we are not completely run by our feelings but by our heads too! So it is your head trying to balance up for your tormenting feelings... . So let your head speak, and listen to it as much as you can... . it is trying to help you!
I remember after we broke up, we analysed stuff together a little (as I'd said to him I felt like none of it was real and he led me on) and he said that at times he felt I was holding back and being a bit awkward around him. Now I know I was because I didn't feel secure enough not to be rejected in giving affection first etc.
Look! You were already beginning to walk on eggshells around him... . Now is that being comfortably in love? You didn't feel secure, because you were not secure. It is hard to be so around a person who has an unstable sense of self and a constantly changing mind! All of the passion put aside... . This was a glimpse of what a life with him would become... . It is important in the aftermaths of these relationships that we take a bit of time to reflect on those signals and learn from them, so that we in future times can detect the warning signs of ourselves beginning to change or diminish ourselves and our needs in the presence of a partner. I think it is very good that you are able to see these things already now, when you heart still is attached to the loss! Good on you!
The way he freaked out about his feelings and didn't discuss it with me shows me that he wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle it anyway. I sometimes wonder if it was ME who made mistakes - perhaps I should have tried to talk to him more?
What difference would talking to him more have done? Would that have caused him to magically mature emotionally? Not likely... . Talking seriously about maturity of emotions with a person with an emotional maturity of perhaps a five year old, would not likely had given any desired results... .
You did not make any mistakes! Your actions or words however profound they would have been would not have been able to change him... . That is the sad part... . The BPD is his cross to bear... .
Perhaps I should have tried to be "just friends" as he needed that in order to trust me? I keep having to remind myself that at that time I thought he was just stressed out and had no idea about BPD etc. Would the outcome have been different in the longrun anyway?
Would just being friends have been anything you would have been able to be happy with? Would you like to be his friend now and be his ear when he talks about all the "fun" he has with his girl surfing around Europe on a shoestring?
When passion is involved or in anyway intense feelings, it is more or less all or nothing... . at least for me... . I was offered the same "generous gift" of my ex friendship... . But I gently declined, knowing it would just be a huge deception of myself, and a one way ticket to more pain... . I do not want to hear about his next conquests in love... .
It would not have made any difference in the long run... . His fear of intimacy and stability is part of who he is... . For all you know he may never settle down with anybody... . Or he will and will instead have tons of affairs on the side... . Would such a life have made you happy... . Or could you perhaps in time see that maybe the 7 weeks you got, was the best he had to give?
- From reading up on various sites about childhood issues, I had a happy childhood. I never met my dad but that never bothered me as there were never step dads or anything. A few years ago my mum and I had a fight and didn't speak for 2 years. I think as a child (only child), my mum possibly idealised me, and my BPD ex's idealisation of me felt like that feeling, which makes it so hard to detach.
This touches on something that resonates a lot with me and my as of late discovery about myself and my own childhood and adolescence... . I am like you an only child, and for the most part of my life I have thought of myself to having had a pretty ok childhood... . But when I got myself in therapy, I came to realize that in spite the fact my parents both loved me and are still happy in their marriage, they still managed to screw me up quite a bit in giving me a somewhat warped image of what a relationship should be and above all feel like... .
See, my mom was and is still incredibly obsessed with me. And I believe now she still can't really say where she ends and I begin... . That is to say, our relationship is very enmeshed... . Se has also always been a very sensitive person mood wise, and I have realized now as an adult and in my 40's that I learned early on in childhood that the condition for her overwhelming love, was to please her... . That is happy mom, loves me... . Unhappy mom hates me... . or at least is not happy with me... . She was also very envious of my r/s with my dad, to the point I could almost not hug him unless I immediately also hugged her... .
Things between us got pretty ugly in my teens and early twenties, when I sort of tried to break free, (not really knowing then however from what), and wanted to do my own thing... . She was not happy with that and used pretty much the worst weapon she could in her battle for my will... .
In reflecting in therapy on how and why I seem to have a history of seeking out strong passion in my relationships instead of more stability and safety... . I have come to the conclusion that I learned from my mother to seek out her overwhelming affection and idealization when she was happy, and I was pleasing to her... . And I have pretty much copied and pasted that on most of my relations... . And in the longer, (like 10 years and above) relationships I have had, that have been more mellow in intensity - I have eventually chosen to bail... . Because I have felt a bit bored and not (enough) intensely loved... .
I am in no way saying this is the case for you... . I am just saying that in learning this about myself, I can at least choose to try out things differently in the future... . So a bit of soul searching in the aftermath of experiences like these is not a bad idea!
Why does it hurt so much?
- Because at the time we were falling for one another, I had stupidly started to have all these hopes and dreams of a future together (which he had also led me to believe, in all his actions mking me think he was totally serious about me) and to have these suddenly disappear with no explanation that I could really believe was so heart breaking. After how my ex of 10 years had left me, I thought I'd found the one (if that silly concept exists). Unfortunately, I seem to have found "the one who can't handle his love for you." I guess it's the fact I knew there were issues and would have been tough times together, but I was willing to go through it as I could see who he was at times when the closest thing to the real him shone through. I wouldn't have run away.
The thing is... . the promise of you not running away - is very triggering for him... . Since he fears that form of stability that to him is just a promise of future abandonment... . It is part of the borderline spectra to harbor deep core beliefs that love simply is never lasting... . Nothing you can do, say or promise will change that in him... . If anything only intense therapy and work on his part when or if motivated can... .
It hurts because you fell in love with him and your feelings are true... . But he still cannot reciprocate them the way you want and deserve, because he is BPD... . He cannot really handle anybodies love for him... . He can from what it seems right now pretty much only handle passion and adventure and escape... . And that is who he is... . You fell in love with a part of him... . A part of him that seems normal... . But that is not the whole truth of who he is... .
The fact he wasn't willing to even try and face his anxiety or why he was anxious about me hurts big time. The ultimate rejection. If someone with that many issues can't love me who will. Though I did have one person tell me at the time "nobody gets that worked up about someone they have no feelings for." He also told me he was ending it for my benefit so I "wouldn't get more attached to him" up to the point that he was leaving the country. I believe he was telling me something about himself there.
My dear - it is the other way around! It is the fact that he has all the issues he has that he cannot love and maintain a stable relationship with anybody! You deserve a man who is not full of dysfunctional issues and who is severely mentally disordered. BPD is a serious mental condition. Not just a quirk or a personality of choice like a mother so accurately described it when concerned for her child having it... .
And like your friend said... . It is not like he didn't have any feelings for you. Of course he had! He just couldn't sustain them, since he is who he is. An emotionally underdeveloped child with an unstable mind... .
What can you do to move forward and grow?
- I need to realise what is holding me back from completely detaching 5 months on after a 7 week relationship as this is obviously not healthy in the "normal" world. I keep trying to tell myself there was nothing I could have done and that he was broken... . but it's hard to tell yourself that when you see him so happy with another girl who seems to be a proper female version of him down to all the interests and career plans. Perhaps I do need a therapist?
Now you are talking!
Just keep doing what you are doing, allow the feelings of pain but also allow yourself some time everyday not to think about them or him... . Listen to what your mind is trying to tell you. Inside your mind have all the answers... . And where the mind goes, eventually the feelings will follow... . Keep posting and keep learning from talking to others here on the boards and above all be forgiving of yourself and be glad that you are a person who can love with passion and who wants to build a strong relationship with someone! And who are of sound mind and can regain balance between it and your right now hurt feelings! Those are good and sound traits!
Best Wishes
Scout99
