Worst nightmare coming true

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Looks like its finally happening.   My ex and his new partner look set to marry, and this

is the final blow to what little self worth that I still have.  I have peered on both of their

facebook pages, I know, I know, it serves me right, I should not keep looking... . having real

problems lately regarding fb, its like a drug to me.  I know I am hurting myself and cant seem

to stop. To be honest, I am subconsiously thinking to myself I deserve to hurt more, I must deserve

it.  Its a sick thought, but I feel so little about myself. I feel so ashamed.

Her fb page has most of his family as friends.  When I was with him, that was not allowed.  He did

not want me and his family to become friendly... I was with him for 4 yrs and I only met his family one

time at a christening.   Not that they did not want to know me.  His mother invited me to her home to

spend a weekend, his sister was forever asking when me and my ex were coming to visit her new house,,

my ex did not want to go with me.  Many of our arguements were over why he seemed to keep me away

from his family.  I felt like crap.  Was he so ashamed of me?   But it is different with this new woman.

He is proudly showing her off and taking her to see his mother and all the rest of his family.

This is where it really hurts.  He must have been lying all along.  I dont think he ever loved me.

I am quite modest and do not think I am anything special to look at, but neither is my ex new partner.

She is just plain looking, like myself.

Also, the r/s they have is what my ex and I used to fantasize about.  Living together, getting married,

having some small dogs to care for.  Now, he is doing all that with her.  

I do not feel good tonight.  I have been having suicidal thoughts over the last few days.  Just thoughts.

I can not tell anyone for fear I am locked up and taken away to a mental hospital.

It was last May the last time I saw my ex.

I am still in shock and disbelief at how this r/s ended.  I do not think I will ever recover from this and

I am certainly put having another r/s again.  I just have nothing more to give to anyone.

[dancinginthelight]

Looks like its finally happening.   My ex and his new partner look set to marry, and this

is the final blow to what little self worth that I still have.  I have peered on both of their

facebook pages, I know, I know, it serves me right, I should not keep looking... . having real

problems lately regarding fb, its like a drug to me.  I know I am hurting myself and cant seem

to stop. To be honest, I am subconsiously thinking to myself I deserve to hurt more, I must deserve

it.  Its a sick thought, but I feel so little about myself. I feel so ashamed.

Her fb page has most of his family as friends.  When I was with him, that was not allowed.  He did

not want me and his family to become friendly... I was with him for 4 yrs and I only met his family one

time at a christening.   Not that they did not want to know me.  His mother invited me to her home to

spend a weekend, his sister was forever asking when me and my ex were coming to visit her new house,,

my ex did not want to go with me.  Many of our arguements were over why he seemed to keep me away

from his family.  I felt like crap.  Was he so ashamed of me?   But it is different with this new woman.

He is proudly showing her off and taking her to see his mother and all the rest of his family.

This is where it really hurts.  He must have been lying all along.  I dont think he ever loved me.

I am quite modest and do not think I am anything special to look at, but neither is my ex new partner.

She is just plain looking, like myself.

Also, the r/s they have is what my ex and I used to fantasize about.  Living together, getting married,

having some small dogs to care for.  Now, he is doing all that with her.  

I do not feel good tonight.  I have been having suicidal thoughts over the last few days.  Just thoughts.

I can not tell anyone for fear I am locked up and taken away to a mental hospital.

It was last May the last time I saw my ex.

I am still in shock and disbelief at how this r/s ended.  I do not think I will ever recover from this and

I am certainly put having another r/s again.  I just have nothing more to give to anyone.

[cska]

Dear dancinginthedark, I'm so sorry about your pain  

I know how you feel, recently I also can't stop checking my ex's social profile, and it brings me a lot of pain because she seems so happy without me, while I'm in pain.

I was looking over your posts, and your ex treated you like garbage, he doesn't deserve any space in your head. Keep in mind that he is mentally ill, so his thinking is disordered. We tend to think of pwBPD as normal, and that is a huge mistake. Here is what I mean by that: when we're interacting with a (normal, non BPD) person, and he becomes upset at us, we immediately assume its because unknowingly we offended him, did something bad. We then have a conversation, talk everything out, apologize, and the situation dissolves. However when a pwBPD starts treating us badly, we assume its because we did something bad, that we're not good enough. But that is not true! pwBPD see the world in a distorted way, they are irrational, so his actions don't have anything to do with you.

Also, keep in mind that facebook is not a reflection of anm actual person, rather it is a reflection of how the person wants to be perceived. Anyone can make themselves appear happy on facebook, but that's not necessarily true. My ex would tell me that she would purposefully try to appear happy and carefree  on facebook, to convince herself that she was happy, when in fact she was miserable.

Please hang in there dancinginthedark, we're here for you  

[Perfidy]

Exactly why I blocked her on Facebook. No contact. I regret having ever known her. A waste of hundreds of thousands of dollars and seven and a half years of my life. A complete shame and disgrace. My bad.

It has been almost five months for me. I still think about her all of the time. It REALLY sucks. Never have I experienced so much emotional trauma and anguish in my life. I too consider ending my pain. I have had a few days where I actually felt strong. Briefly, only a few hours. A few other days where I just felt ok for a while. This is an improvement over the first two or three months where all that I could feel was crushing grief. Crying every day. I don't cry as much now but a lot of the time I feel like it. I get so sick of it.

This support forum has largely been my lifeline. I am pretty isolated where I am. Very little human contact. No it's not prison. It's my work that I do. It is remote and desolate but it pays extremely well. My friends and family are sick to death of me because of how I am right now. My daughter said she's worried about me and hates seeing me like this. So devastated.

[Minotaur]

I don't think you should be afraid of opening up to people who care about you. My being ashamed of seeking help kept me in a lot of pain for so many years. Things will get better but refusing or avoid help when you're clearly in a ton of anguish could wind up being very destructive to you and it doesn't have to be that way.

Think of this, the reason so few BPD people ever improve is because they refuse to be responsible for themselves, and live a deluded life blaming everyone else for their suffering and seek out comfort in using others. Until they decide to change and force themselves not to lie to themselves any longer about their behavior and the patterns they keep reliving and commit themselves to the goal, they remain as they are.

Don't be like them and resign yourself. Please call 911 if you have no one else you're comfortable talking to. You are not a monster and you have a ton of worth as a human being, and you are not to blame for being abused, or not somehow finding a way to make that relationship last. Any caring human being would feel devastated after an experience with someone with this illness.

Please force yourself to be proactive about your own mental health. At the very least we're on your side.

[BlushAndBashful]

dancinginthedark, I can't stress enough to you that this doesn't reflect on you or your self-worth AT ALL. If you read on this board, you will see time and time again that 1. our pwBPD enter into extremely quick, impulsive marriages, 2. they frequently don't last long- only a few months, and 3. they are repeatedly married and divorced, faster than most of us change our sheets.

I feel for you, I have been there. I had been with my pwBPD for a couple of years, and he had always stressed that he would never get married again. One day he ended up sleeping with one of his lady friends, dumped me, and they were engaged within a couple of weeks. They broke up a few months later, then he was back with me and proposed within 3 days.  He was convinced that he finally got it right, he finally got the right woman, and he was more sure of this than any other decision in his life. We were married 6 months later (mind you, we had dated now for 4 years) and our marriage lasted less than a year.

I also cannot stress enough- block Facebook. When I first got here, I thought NC and blocking were extreme. It ended up saving my sanity. Every time I took a peek at his life, I would end up crying and wanting to die. It will bring you no joy, no closure, and no peace. Promise. 

[danley]

He did not want me and his family to become friendly. Many of our arguements were over why he seemed to keep me away from his family.  I felt like crap.  Was he so ashamed of me?  



But it is different with this new woman.

This is where it really hurts.  He must have been lying all along.  I dont think he ever loved me.  Now, he is doing all that with her.

dancinginthedark,

I want you to know that you are not alone. It was tough for me to read what you said about not being able to be around his family. It hit me especially hard when you asked, "Was he so ashamed of me?". I went thru a very similar experience after being with my ex for 3 years. My ex would speak highly of his family and friends to the point where I knew everything about them. In essence it was as tho I had met them because my ex would share with me like I DID know them. But I never met anyone in his family. I understand it is a big step to introduce someone to your family. I only met a handful of his friends but my ex would act like I was just a friend to him. But yet he would talk about his friends to me as if I had known them for years.

When my ex started his divorce hearing and financial woes and emotional lows, he started to treat me like I had the plague when we were in public. He has said before that he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. But yet he also claimed he loved me. As his life got more stressful he seemed to be more and more ashamed of being with me. It got to the point where I stopped suggesting we go out to eat or to the movies because he would get annoyed and start one of his pity parties. I felt so worthless and ugly when he would basically hide me from the world. But yet in private he would be a different man... . caring, loving, enjoyable.

When my ex broke up with me the conversation was the most demeaning and heart wrenching hurt that I've ever felt. He told me that he loved me so much but he would never feel comfortable bringing me around his family because I'm not what they would be happy with. He said he wanted his kids to be excited about the woman he brings home for them to meet. He said he was too ashamed to bring me around his friends because they'll probably talk about him behind his back. He said his ex wife was probably talking about him to his kids and our relationship and that they might hate him if they find out he was dating me. But as a token he said the kids wouldnt hate ME. He said he knows they would love me. He said "people" would be watching and talking and judging and laughing and blaming him for his divorce and blame our relationship as the reason... . even tho our relationship was not the reason for his failed marriage. He asked me, "How do you think it will make me feel to know that everyone will be talking about ME? Doesnt that bother you that they'll all be judging and rejecting me?". He said he couldn't take the one in a million chance that his family or friends might hate him. He said he felt guilty and full of shame, blah blah.

The only thing that I had the strength to utter was, "Whats wrong with me? Why are you so ashamed of me?". And the answer he gave didn't make sense to me at the moment. His reply to me was, "I'm not ashamed of YOU... . I'M ASHAMED OF ME."

It was shattering to my spirit to hearing my ex reject me for reasons that didn't have anything to do with my character, integrity, actions, etc. I felt confused because all the reasons he was giving me was all about HIM... . but yet I was the sacrifical Lamb for his SHAME.

I KNOW how you feel dancinginthedark. I really do. My ex started dating someone two months after the breakup. I cannot imagine how crappy it must be to see your ex getting married and doing all the things with his new lady that you didn't. It WILL hurt like heck for a while. But the one thing that I TRY to remember is my value. It's hard to know someone who supposedly loved you could discard you so easily. But dancinginthedark, you are valuable! You WILL recover from this! Treat yourself kindly. There's no shame in that!

[eternity75]

Hi dancinginthe dark,

I feel for you, I do *hugs* I was only with my BPD bf for 8 months and it hurt me that he did not want me to meet his family and friends, and he didn't want to meet mine either. Here was this man professing his undying love for me and telling me I was the best woman in the world, yet I wasn't important enough to meet his family and friends. It hurts a lot.

I just broke up with him 2 days ago and the hurt I feel is enormous. But when I wake up each day I tell myself "Today I choose to love myself. What should I do for myself today to express my love for me?" I am trying to change my thinking, correct my negative thoughts, and realize his actions towards me were NOT about me.

It is VERY true that what is shown and expressed on facebook is NOT all roses... . it's what people want you to see expressed. My ex bf would post pictures of me and him together, and eventually at one point to save me from breaking up with him for failing to even acknowledge our relationship, he finally changed his status to "In a relationship" and sent me a request to add my name to it. Meanwhile I was dealing with one instance that I knew of where he physically cheated, many instances of emotional cheating, his constant flirting and adoration of other women while at the same time expressing his deep love for me only in words. To anyone looking at facebook it may have appeared we were happy and things were great. But the truth was much different.

I know it is difficult not to beat yourself up. We care about other people and what they think of us, and so when things like this happen we tend to take all the blame. But you are not to blame. He did a number on you, and devalued you enough already. Don't believe him, and don't continue to beat up on and devalue yourself. You deserve love and acceptance... . give it to yourself... be patient with yourself, generous to yourself, and gentle with yourself. 

[dancinginthelight]

Hi cska, thank you 

I did manage to stop checking up on my ex on fb for a month.  I blocked him and the other

woman, but did not want to appear childish, so, unblocked them both.

Last night, have blocked again, along with 5 members of his family. Just cant trust myself to

keep off his profile.  Afraid of stumbling on anything to do with my ex.  Only way to prevent me

from going insane.

I always felt deep shame and guilt during the r/s as I seemed to offend him and he just withdrew

and became passive. 


Hi Perfidy

Gone through breakups before, buth nothing ever like this.  No one understands. Unable to talk

to anyone except to people on here.

Minotaur

Did have a T for a couple a months back. She just tried to help me manage the anxiety and panic

attacks. Not particularly helpful.  Have been on the waiting list for 3 months to see a counselor.

My doctor isnt very helpful either.  By the time the right help becomes available, I might have made

a complete recovery 


Hi Mauser

I think the new r/s my ex is in could very well last. His new partner has money and my ex is very

materialistic, I was too poor for him


Danley

Yeah, my ex would only see me at my place or his.  He wouldnt take me anywhere in public. Kept

me hidden, always saying it was because of lack of money.  Id suggest going for a walk, which does

not cost money or offer to pay for coffee, but, no, he wanted to just sit on my couch and talk.

UGH!  How the hell I put up with this crappy behaviour and not think more of myself.

he would declare his undying love and was very affectionate, all behind closed doors 


Hi eternity 75

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, agree with changing our thinking.

I wish you well in your recovery 

a

[cska]

I blocked him and the other woman, but did not want to appear childish, so, unblocked them both.

dancinginthedark, no I don't think its childish. Even in a normal breakup I don't think its childish, and this is a BPD breakup. You need to look out for yourself first and foremost, you need to heal. Blocking is a perfect way to look out for yourself, don't even thing twice about it!

How are you today? I hope you're feeling a little better!   

[dancinginthelight]

Hi cska

Feeling a little better, not much, trying not to think about him.

Had a busy day, taking my 16 s to enrol for college helped 

After blocking on fb, feel a bit safer. from myself at least 

How are you?

[bpdspell]

Dancing in the dark,

Are you in Therapy? It's important that you make yourself available to whatever emotional resources you have at hand. You deserve to have a voice that's validated and heard. I'm so sorry that you believe that your ex has the keys to your worth. I think deep down you know that it isn't true but it I know this belief doesn't stop the hurt.

Facebook can be an emotional trigger and dagger in our hearts because our minds go into overdrive creating a narrative that isn't necessarily true. Facebook does not tell the full story of your ex's mental illness. Your ex is still the same disordered person that you experienced while you were together. Your ex is now another woman's nightmare. Not her knight in shining armor or the rescuer that you are now believing he's turned into.

Keep posting on here. It's cathartic and healthy to be validated by this community. We know your struggle. Two years ago I wanted to die. My ex abused, abandoned and shattered me. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I was in that much pain. But posting on here saved my life and helped me to see that life is worth living.

We have to knock our ex's off the pedestal we've put them on. They are not God. And they are not the period at the end of our life sentence. They are not the givers and takers of happiness. Our ex's do not get the last word on our lives and we must muster the strength to put them in proper perspective.

Most of us on here are products of what we know and our own history. Many of us on here weren't valued, nurtured or treated with respect as children. I had a stormy chaotic and emotionally neglected background.  I longed for validation by the very same person who invalidated me. My BPDexbf was the ultimate invalidator. And it's a nasty cycle of unhealthy attraction. But we can break this cycle by validating ourselves.

Being abandoned by them cuts deeply but our ex's are not the givers and takers of life. We treat our ex's as if they are kings and queens when in reality they are deeply flawed and mentally sick people. Knock your ex off that pedestal and put yourself there. Love and validation of who you are can only come from you but you've got to dig deep down inside.

Cry, mourn and grieve... . and do your best to take care of you. We are here to validate.

Spell

[Bananas]

dancinginthedark,

i hope you are doing better today. 

i could of written a lot of the things in your first post.  except my ex is now married.  we split in March and he was married less than 3 months later. 

my ex also hid me from his family and had no interest in mine.  although our mutual friends knew about us our relationship was mostly secret because we work together, he would use that as an excuse and say that he was a private person but it was still very hurtful to me.  i remember one of my friends telling me that he should be proud to be with me and i remember justifying his secret behavior.

i have those same feelings, that he was lying to me all along.  he was divorced when i met him and he always told me he had no intention of getting married but i was the only person he ever really loved,t he only person that really knew him, and the only person he could handle living with. 

i too am in shock sometimes, i have moments of pure disbelief, there is no way this could be happening. 

however, the one positive note in all this is knowing he is married now has pretty much forced me to move on and get out of fantasy land.  i think before then i still had a tiny ounce of hope.  seeing how fast everything happened, how fast he changed, how i was thrown out like a piece of trash, just confirms how disordered he really is. 

you are not alone, please hang in there with me. 

[LoneWolf768]

dancinginthedark, last I checked on my ex's facebook page - which is when I unblocked her trying to unblock someone else! -  there was a pic of us her sister-in-law took of us kissing and it was STILL on her timeline. Granted, it was back in November 2012 but it's in her Profile Picture Photo Album. Presuming it's still on there and hasn't been deleted, it boggles my mind how she missed that. I mean, this woman thinks I'm the absolute worst person she's ever met and wants NOTHING to do with me. I'm staying away from Facebook (I deactivated my account about 2 weeks ago) and I'm sure as hell staying away from her page. Someone did write on another board that Facebook shows a side of someone they want the world to see. The BPD'er wants their friends and potential friends to think they have it together, that their lives are fine and they're in control of everything. Facebook can certainly make a bum seem like a king or queen.

With regards to BPDspell's suggestion about therapy? I'd look into it. 5 years ago, I was devastated by the loss of a woman Id been dating for 10 years only to find out she was seeing another man and planning a wedding. This woman exhibited sociopathic traits, not those of someone with BPD. I was in therapy once a week for 6 months until my insurance ran out after I was laid off. Then I began paying out of pocket and my sessions were once a month for another year. The sessions helped tremendously. I began seeing my therapist again in June but until I get insurance, I'm paying out of picket again. I'm also on Wellbutrin, which I wasn't at the time I started therapy. It may not be a bad idea to look into therapy and/or talk to your PCP about how you're feeling.

Bananas, I'm so sorry about your ordeal. I greatly admire your strength and courage to move past this. When I was first trying to deal with the breakup of my ex BPD'er, I had NO idea it would take this long and be this difficult. Then, with me researching the illness, I began to see that this seems to happen to all of us who are unceremoniously dumped. We are not alone. Your ex did you a favor. Wait til this guy's wife starts seeing cracks in his armor. That alone will give you the satisfaction of knowing what a fraud he is.

BPDspell, I totally agree with your last post. I, too, was hidden from my ex's family. She claims they knew of me by her talking to them about me, but I made too many attempts to meet them and I was always greeted with some type of excuse. Same with regards to her meeting my family. She met my parents ONCE only because we were out and I left my wallet at the house. Knowing what I know now, I'm surprised she didn't want to sit in the car while I ran in to get it. Then it became clear that this woman, due to being married and living with her husband, daughter, sister-in-law AND mother-in-law (boy, did I pick a winner here!), couldn't possible be a part of my family. She'd have to lie constantly, like she always has, to each member of my family. So rather than put herself through the uncomfortable task of explaining herself, which would've been fabrications and half-truths, she just avoided my family altogether.  Why I wasn't good enough to meet her family? No idea. Maybe they thought she and her husband were working things out. I'll never know. I, too, am still searching for a way to be validated. Only I'm a fool for doing it.

The fact that your ex blatantly lied to you and told you he'd never get married again and then gets married recently? He's a piece of human garbage for doing that to you. I know the cycle of emotions you're dealing with. I'm sure you feel confusion, anger and sadness . I'm sure you just want to cry sometimes and just want it all to go away all at once. I wish I had the power, as I'm sure we all do, to just shut off all the pain and continue with our lives like our ex's have.

Sometimes, I want my ex to suffer. Other times, I wish we could've still been friends. I never know day to day how I'm feeling. I'm sure you have those days too. We ALL have to keep trudging through the muck and blackness. I keep telling myself that I will pop my head through all of this despair and see nothing but sunshine. I have assistance in various forms and I know it'll happen. When, I can't say. It'll happen for ALL of us. It WILL because WE want it too!

[dancinginthelight]

Hi Bananas

Maybe like you, knowing my ex is to be married might stop me obsessing

and looking for a glimmer of hope? 

You know what though, I cannot say he is BPD or has PD. He just keeps

telling folks that I am the one that is mentally ill.  I have doubted whether

I am actually sane myself.  Maybe he is right.

How are you doing?  Your posts are giving me some hope that things can change.


What is your advice on how to get over the awful feelings of shock and disbelief?

[dancinginthelight]

Lonewolf768

I must stay away too from ex fb, everyone who knows him.

My ex is behaving like Ive never existed. I am the worst person

he has ever met.

For all ive stalked him on fb, and been very tempted to send him a message,

ive managed to restrain myself. 

[LoneWolf768]

dancinginthedark, I wrote on another board how looking to see what our ex BPD'ers are up to on their Facebook pages feels like we're being pulled to it, like a magnet or something. I've done, in my humble opinion, a good job of keeping away from her page. Sometimes I have just shut off the computer altogether and take a walk until the feeling goes away. Believe me, the want of knowing what's going on is like ripping a scab off of a wound. Recovering from these people is almost like a job. You almost have to get into a routine or routines to keep your mind occupied. It's extremely difficult.

As far as him having you second-guess your sanity, I've been there too. It got so bad for me I was asking close friends of mine if they thought I was a psycho, a borderline stalker, sick, etc... They were all stunned at why I would ask such a thing. I tried to explain it but I wasn't making much sense. That's when they all essentially said 'How you, your family and your friends you think of you is all that matters. Who cares what she thinks? She isn't normal. Who cares what she's telling her friends and family? You don't know any of them and you know she didn't tell them that she contributed to screwing things up but if her friends and family know her like they should, you know damn well they don't believe she had nothing do with what happened between you two!' Still, it hurts us all when we've been completely pulverized and then the hate campaign starts. I mean, if they don't want anything to do with us and don't want to communicate with us, why don't they just go on with their lives and be done with it?

My ex, after the smear campaign and the really, really harmful things she told a friend of ours - and I'm sure countless other people -   I'm sure my ex has forgotten me, too. It  I'm sure it hurts us all thoroughly, to know our ex BPD'ers have forgotten our existence, can't, don't or won't remember anything good about us or any good memories that came out of the relationship. For them to just concentrate on anything and everything bad is a low form of fisticuffs.    

If I were you, I'd stay away from messaging your ex BPD'er. All that will do is give him some sort of satisfaction that he knows you're still hooked on him and he'll make you squirm knowing you're waiting for a response from him. And you DON'T need that kind of abuse from him. Also, be careful that you don't tell anyone you both my know that you're stalking him on FB. That could lend you in some uncomfortable situations.

Last month, I was trying to take my ex BPD'er off of my Yahoo IM list (turns out this can only be done while their online) and it turns out I was sending IM chat requests to her. Our friend messaged me on Facebook and asked if I'd been making late night calls to her. I said 'Why would I when I'd changed my # because of her? Contacting her would just give her my new #!' She asked if I was sending her chat requests on Yahoo and I explained that yes, I was, because I wast trying to delete her from my contact list BUT it can only be done when the person you're deleting is online at the same time. It was purely accidental and she was already on my contact list so sending her chat requests to talk to her wouldn't make much sense now would it?

The last form of communication from my ex BPD'er was the early early morning of July 3rd. She sent me a Yahoo IM threatening me by telling me to leave her and her friends (friend, actually, who I thought was a big enough girl to let me know if I was bothering her or not) alone and that she contacted the police. Now, she sent a text with this same threat to a close lady friend of mine that was almost identical but she told her she 'would' go to the police. Not sure if she was bluffing or not. Nothing has come in the mail so it's safe to say she was bluffing. She pulled this same stunt back in April, too. I was pretty shook up about it because after all she'd said about me (and these types of things are really, really damaging to one's reputation and image), I honestly thought she was going to follow through. I talked to my therapist about this and she said as long as I wasn't trying to make contact with her (repeated or otherwise), there was nothing threatening in writing or on tape or video and I wasn't following her around, showing up at her hang outs, driving by her mother-in-laws house checking to see if she was home and other types of staking, there really wasn't anything the police could do. What was she going to tell them... . that her ex was talking to a friend of hers and it pissed her off? It was just her looking to be in control of the situation. Still, it made me think twice about ever contacting her for any reason... . and why I thoroughly believe she'll NEVER contact me. Ever. I know what the criteria for a BPD'er is with regards to contact but I don't see it happening with me. Ever.    

Braveheart768

[dancinginthelight]

lonewolf768, for all ive been tempted to do so, ive not messaged the ex on fb.

He is the sort of person to call the police and make a song and dance of everything.

I just wont, not because of being worried about any legal action, i know it would

send me over the edge.  I dont talk to anyone who knows him either. He kept me

from people he knew, even his family.

I very much believe he is slandering my name and family to the new partner. They

probably believe I am BPD and this has been the most troubling thought.  He would

slag off anyone who experienced any kind of mental anguish. 

[momtara]

This new wife is probably hurting now and will be hurting more when this relationship ends.  Imagine how he is treating her.  What you see on Facebook often masks the reality.  Many people do not know that I am separated from my BPD husband.  I keep up appearances on FB but inside I am hurting.  His ex girlfriend probably checks my FB and thinks we are doing great.  Meanwhile he has been verbally abusive for years and I finally am leaving.

I also am kind of average looking and am not sure about dating again, and don't ever attract lots of men, so I probably clung to this relationship longer than I should.

It is hard to stop looking at Facebook.  So do what you have to do.  Just realize that - even though it's hard to realize it - you are lucky that you are not still being abused.  If the relationship ended badly and you think you can never get over it, you can write drafts of an email to him so you have some closure.  You may revise it and maybe someday even send it, but for now sometimes writing it just helps.

[bewildered2]

he will do to her what he did to you.

i know that it is very hard to understand right now, but in time you will realize that you dodged a bullet.

you will heal. you will also get stronger and wiser.

and you will be much more careful about who you choose to give your love to next time.

people with this disorder are very very good and convincing us that their intentions are good. sadly, and because of their disorder, they can not deliver on the promises that they make.

hang in there, come here and talk to us, and go easy on yourself. we have all been there too, and we know how hard it is and how much it hurts, but we also know that there is an end to the tunnel and that the light out there is very bright.

as winston churchill said, "when you are going through s--t, keep going". very good advice.

hang in there,

b2   

[ScotisGone74]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling Dancing.   I know they (BPDers) have a way of making us feel insane at the end of the relationship as they jaunt off with Mr/Mrs Right talking and laughing it up about us and putting all kinds of pictures out there that shows them living the dream- I mean just the week before they were professing their dying love for us-who wouldn't feel a little crazy?   Mine did the same thing, except she was engaged to the next guy within six weeks after leaving me dazed and confused.    Don't believe it, its not real, its what they want you soo bad to believe though.  No new relationship is a fix for mental illness and emptiness, its like putting a bandaid on a throat slashing.  I know it hurts now, but long term you are better off without them and their delusional life. 

[dancinginthelight]

Found out via facebook that the ex had been involved with this other woman while

he was seeing me.  He sort of disappeared for a few weeks despite sending me regular

text messages declaring his love for me 

What I read on her fb was that they both had a brilliant day?  That fitted the puzzle for me.

Wow, I must have been so dumb.  I kept quiet, not kicked off.  What else could ido?

Somehow I dont think he will treat his new partner badly.  She sounds as if she wont put

up with bad behaviour.

Having to muster all strengh to keep off fb. Its been 2 days now 

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words

[bewildered2]

if he has BPD then he will treat her badly.

you deserve a lot better.

it will be hard for a while but then it will get better and you will look back and shake your head when you think about it.

b2 

[Clearmind]

Sweet Dancing! This hurts I know. I have seen it so many times, BPD partners marrying very soon after the break up.

If you want to do a search, PDQuick (on staff member for a good long while) comes to mind. His partner married the next door neighbour 3 months after their 13 year relationship ended. The marriage to the next door neighbour lasted 6 months and was full of turmoil.

My friend, this marriage is so not what it seems. He needs saving and anyone will fit the bill.

Keep posting... . xx

[Bananas]

Hi Bananas

Maybe like you, knowing my ex is to be married might stop me obsessing

and looking for a glimmer of hope? 

You know what though, I cannot say he is BPD or has PD. He just keeps

telling folks that I am the one that is mentally ill.  I have doubted whether

I am actually sane myself.  Maybe he is right.

How are you doing?  Your posts are giving me some hope that things can change.


What is your advice on how to get over the awful feelings of shock and disbelief?

Dancing,

I still have many bad days.  But every once and I while I have days where I feel very strong, I have very clear thoughts, strong thoughts, about how disordered everything was and I have a sense of relief.  The things that are helping me right now are this board.  Feeling not alone.

Also, I have been reading a lot of books about mindfulness.  In the beginning I was reading too much about personality disorders and focusing on trying to understand "why".  Now I am reading books to help me.   

My ex is still on my mind almost all the time, but the "movies in my head" changed a lot once I found out he was married.  Watching the "old movies" just didn't make sense anymore.  It is hard for me to explain.  I will think about how to put it into words and try to post more later. 

[momtara]

Well, maybe he will be on his best behavior with her longer, but there's no way he can stop it from coming out.  And it will end up worse than when he was with you.  He needs someone who will take his crap.  Otherwise he won't last.

[Moonie75]

Well, maybe he will be on his best behavior with her longer, but there's no way he can stop it from coming out.  And it will end up worse than when he was with you.  He needs someone who will take his crap.  Otherwise he won't last.

I firmly agree with this. Every time they enter a new relationship they carry more guilt & shame added by the previous one. My theory is that this adds to the imbalance within them & makes them progressively worse with each new partner?

She could be a goddess at the moment but will likely be in that position a shorter time than you were, and when she falls from her pedestal the BPD behavior pattern will be waiting to destroy the relationship quicker & harder than the last one.

IT IS BPD LAW!