In every book I have read so far about BPD...

[BioAdoptMom3]

we, the families, are blamed to one degree or another!  Why is that?  So many people on this board seem to have stable lives and many have children who are not affected by BPD, as well as 1 or 2 who are.  One thing that frustrates me as an adoptive mom is that in several books I have read, as well as several I have looked in the indexes of in the book stores, the word adoption isn't even mentioned, even though 50% who suffer with it are adopted.  There has got to be another cause of this disorder, has to be!  Can anyone here shed some light on it?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Yes... . I have a BPDs, adopted at 5 mos from korea. We saw signs and had him in therapy at 11 years old. At that time, our therapist said attachment disorder in adults is BPD.  We have another adopted daughter who has none of these issues. Our son is not doing well.

[vivekananda]

In my family there is a strong genetic predisposition. I myself see the   that I and those I love have.

When you have a child with BPD they need a validating environment, they need their hypersensitivity recognised and managed, they need sound values based boundaries from both parents in agreement. My dd had a loving validating family environment but it wasn't enough for her. The validation was always tempered with logic and exhortations for her to do well... . seen as encouragement. By her probably seen as her not ever being good enough, was definitely seen by her as controlling and was seen as emotionally abusive. Dh and I were not in agreement on the boundaries, I was 'strict' he was 'permissive' - there was no consistency there. Her sensitivity wasn't appreciated.

And the world around us was even more invalidating, permissive and harsh. A world that looks to blame someone for when things go wrong.

Couple this with some key incidents that occurred at important times, eg at 18 her dad was near death awaiting a transplant and had been 'dying' for a year... .

Stand strong bioadoptmom - we are the wise ones here   it's just our BPD kids got the wrong combination of genes, environment, culture and traumatic events and we weren't equipped to cope with it. Don't beat yourself up, ok?

Vivek    

ps things may look shiny on the outside looking on, but in another person's reality, it might not be so squeaky clean - I am only human, I made mistakes and I didn't even know.