I am trying to face this and falling apart

[BioAdoptMom3]

DH has been in tears out in the family room off and on all evening.  It has been a very stressful day for me with DD and tonight for both of us.  DD is 14 and yesterday, for the second time, her therapist, the fourth medical professional to say it, said it was definitely BPD.  She is adopted and many of these issues are very common for adoptees as both issues are based on an underlying fear of abandonment.  Up until last week when once again she was admitted to a short term facility, this time for saying to someone that she wanted to die to end her pain, we, including the doctor and therapist, were watching her BPD traits and considering adoption issues (she was also abandoned and knows it), but the therapist said for the first time that she is as certain as she can be even though DD is only 14.  She does have every symptom I have seen listed, including self-harm and eating disorders, except for drug addiction and anger/rage.  The therapist said she is being treated early, explained how treatment would continue to be approached as she gets older and did give DH and I hope, but I know its going to be a very long road and I feel hopeless right now.  Based on his emotions, I think he does too.  Hopeless is a very difficult way to feel.  I don't know if I can handle this much longer without falling apart.  As I try to deal with reality as I type this, I am on the verge of tears.  Please offer any advice and encouragement that you can!  Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Bio:  I read this this morning and just wanted to reach out.  I have been up since 3am when DD18 woke me and asked me to come downstairs to talk with her.  My DD started showing abandonment issues at age 11 but it wasn't until she was 15 that she sprialed into anxiety and deep depression.  Diagnosed BPD at age 16.  My DD also has alot of the symptoms including self-harm and eating disorder with no drug addiction, anger or rage.  My DD woke me after she had gone downstairs and binged for the second night in a row.  She was so angry with herself and so upset and also said she wished she was dead to end her pain.  This is not the first time she has said this and I can only imagine how she must feel.  I listen and validate when she feels this way by telling her that I understand and hear how she feels.  When she is feeling this way the worst thing I can do is tell her anything to the contrary.  My DD has been in therapy for quite some time. It has not been an easy road but it does get better.  We have less and less days like this and by using my skills that I learned in DBT about validating her feelings we get through these times a little easier.

One of the things I have noticed is that very often these episodes will come right before she is expecting her period.  There is definetly a hormonal connection.  It is so sad for us as parents to see our children hurting so, especially emotional hurt because we cannot fix it, can't give an aspirin to ease the pain, we are almost helpless.  I try to think of my skills as medication.  What do I need to do to ease her pain. As I read you post I was sitting at my desk in my office in tears.  It is so painful for me to see her hurting so.

Please try not to feel hopeless, it will get better because you are dealing with it and it is okay to fall apart.  That is the one thing I am just learning now.  Over the past few years I rarely let myself fall apart.  I kept a stiff upper lip and forged forward, never allowing my DD or others see my pain.  Only here on the board did I talk about it and that was a big mistake.  I wish I had taken better care of my emotional needs, so please try to do this for yourself.

Griz

[vivekananda]

Dear bioadoptmom I can hear the pain and hurt in your voice and I am truly sorry you have to experience this.   

yes, self care and self compassion is the first rule. If you are not balanced and happy, how can your family be? So, this is what we aim for here. Exercise, your own T and us for support and guidance - we are always here for you - if it's not Griz or me, it is another who knows exactly how you feel.

These were my steps on my journey:

1) learn about BPD

2) learn about the tools we use: Validation and boundary setting

3) learn about mindfulness

4) put all the learning into practice

It is the beginning of a long journey for us all. We keep our eyes on the long term. I know you don't feel this way, but to me you are lucky - you have a diagnosis and your dd is young. I do acknowledge though that a teenager with BPD is very hard work and a lot of pain and sorrow.

At the end of all this you should have an especially beautiful young woman who will love you even more dearly for being with her on this journey.

My advice is to get Valerie Porr's: Overcoming BPD; G & J Lundsberg's: I don't have to make everything all better; and "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

And to post here and join in with us and share your journey as we share ours. It has been the easiest way for me to learn.

sending you more best wishes,

Vivek