I know I am being triangulated- Can someone explain

[Hurtbad]

Hello All,  Based on recent replies to my posts... . thank you... . it is clear to me that I am in the middle of a triangle kind of situation.  My BPD ex, getting ready to leave this state to live with her new guy, but wants me to stay her best friend and not leave her life.  She also is suggesting that maybe she is making a big mistake as I am "the love of her life."  Well, I am looking forward to her leaving and know it is the best thing for me.  But I have read from time to time here about triangulation (read definition).  Can you all help me understand what this is.  BPD spell, Octoberfed and some others have been very helpful in keeping my head on straight.  PleAse help again.

I am doing okay, but this is all so sad and strange.

tx HB

[Clearmind]

Triangulation [url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0](read definition) explained[/url]

Not everything involving a third party is triangulation (read definition).

What makes you think this is triangulation (read definition)?

[Perfidy]

Tell her to go to hell triangle over. Go on with your life forget about her. Think about you not her. Don't play the game she isn't worth it.

[So hurt]

So sorry to find out this is happening to you. Just keep doing things that make you feel good and enjoy the life that has been given to you. The pain of BPD relationships and breakups is excruitiating. I know. I am slowly walking thorough the grief and darkness. It has been 6 months now and I have only seen him twice. One of them being in court.

I still love the man I married but he is dead. The man that I am divorcing is a monster with only his needs and objectives in mind. I don't want him back. I keep thinking there is a chance he will get help and make things right. This is but a fantasy to me. The reality is that I am not responsible for his actins only mine.

Thank God for therapy good friends and this website.

If you search the message boards you will find you are not alone in this horrible pain. They all do horid things to hurt the ones they love.

My husband is gone and I have a horror show on my hands these days. Someone told me that God is on my side and I need to believe this. Take care.

[Perfidy]

Monster... . WOUD!

[Hurtbad]

Clearmind, I am not really sure.  She says she wants to give this other guy a chance, but that she loves me more etc.  I am not sure I know what triangulation (read definition) means! If I knew I could tell you.

Thanks as always.

HB

[Clearmind]

HB - how do you feel being kept in the wings while she chases another guy? How can you take back your personal power?

[Perfidy]

Hurtbad, my ex told me the same thing word for word. A year later she is married to him. Save yourself the grief. Just forget her and move on. In the long run you will be so much happier. We are given a limited number of days. Don't waste even one of those precious days on someone who don't care about you. You gotta love you.

[Perfidy]

My ex didn't even bother to tell me that she had moved on. I was working out of town for an extended time. She was the worst mistake that I have ever made.

[danley]

Ex breaks up with me. Two months later he tells me he's dating. He paints me black and then tells me he told his new interest about me and how close we are... . why he did that AND told me about this part is beyond me. Ex later tells me that his new interest is worried we work togetheraand still talk... . again WHY he chooses to tell her about our communication AND tell ME that she's concerned is an unknown to me. Weeks pass by and ex tells me that his new interest is fearful of me and is mad at him for talking to me at work. The next week hes all open and vulnerable with me and sharing his deep fears as well as joys. As the Weeks pass by, ex starts acting like how we used to when we were a couple. All the kind acts and sincere talks and compliments and talking about the good times. Nothing sexual, just personal communication and pats on the shoulder. When I ask him what's going on, he tells me he TOLD me he was dating. He acted like he wasn't giving off any wrong signals or manipulating my feelings. Then he goes into a frenzy/mini rage about him not knowing whether or not he should even be dating AND if he should even be dating this new person. I feel like an idiot and back off and lay low. A few days later he starts coming around and being very flirtatious and telling me how much he cares for me and respects my feelings. Oh really?  Well this threesome action isn't exactly showing you care for me and respect my feelings! He knows I have feelings for him still and his flirtatious behavior he displays even tho he said he's dating someone  doesn't signal that he respects my feelings or hers! I refuse to be treated like a spare tire! So, I have avoided him for the last few days. I feel like he NEEDS me to make him feel comforted in the difficult times he is facing. WHY he doesn't cling to his new interest for this... . I really don't know. But I refuse to be his pacifier too!

Stay out of the triangular situations with these people. They lack boundaries. They have no PROBLEM overlapping and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. They care about what sources, otherwise known as victims they can get their many needs met by. Hurtbad, be careful in your possible triangular mess! Bpd withdraw from both parties emotional bank and once one or both parties emotional bank runs dry, the BPD needs to find a brand new source. Don't be her emotional ATM... . ESPECIALLY if all shes doing is making withdrawals and NO deposits!

[Learning_curve74]

When pwBPD get emotionally close to someone it triggers their fears of engulfment and abandonment. Because they can't stand being alone, they always need other people as a safety net. Instead of confronting and discussing with her current bf all her fears about moving and their relationship, which is the logical adult thing to do, she is using you to soothe them and she needs to tell you that she loves you both to distance herself from the other guy and to keep you around as her "best friend".

Hurtbad, from your screen name I can tell you are hurting. Why not help yourself heal at this point in time instead of ruminating about your ex and her motivations? Actions speak louder than words. Did your ex treat you the way a best friend should be treated? I know many happy couples that each call their partner their best friend. These are questions I asked myself, and I didn't like the answers but at least I was finally being honest with myself.

[Gaslit]

Hurtbad, I wrote this yesterday on another thread. It is about triangulation (read definition).

As a strategy point, the absolute worst thing you can do is agree to this. NC on your part will likely lesson their relationship time, and problems between them will arise much sooner.

Conversely, you continuing to be there for her will tighten their false bond. Contact will strengthen their relationship as you become the "whipping boy" that bonds them together.

I'm hesitant to tell you the above, but anyone who has been through it, knows this is the case.

It's all about the triangle, the 3-legged stool. Remove a leg (i.e. remove you), and it all comes crashing down.

All this said... . RUN! It's your best option.

[sm15000]

My BPD ex, getting ready to leave this state to live with her new guy, but wants me to stay her best friend and not leave her life.  She also is suggesting that maybe she is making a big mistake as I am "the love of her life."  

I found these things particularly hurtful and extremely confusing as I was going through and post the break-up with my ex.

The thing is they say these things in the moment - it has no depth and could change any time. . .she is obviously panicking at the thought of living with the new guy and is keen to keep you as a back up.

I suppose at least you have the truth to deal with   . . .after 13 years, my ex was cheating at the end (with multiple women I think) but would never admit to it and although didn't end it seemed to me he was pushing me to do it. . .typical push/pull - moments of 'I'll never put you through this again' , 'I'll try and be a better man' etc but then distancing.

After I ended it he contacted me after 4 months asking to meet but referring to me as being his 'friend' which progressed into texts of 'I've never loved another woman like you and I never will' etc etc. . .all mixed in with telling me on an occasion we did meet that he'd already had two marriage proposals while dropping stuff in like 'you're a hard act to follow'

It's extremely hard to process all these things when you're still in love with them and really want them back (even though you know deep down it's best to cease contact) because you end up hanging on to the 'hope'.

It's the old words and actions thing again. . .they don't match  

[me757]

Hurtbad, I wrote this yesterday on another thread. It is about triangulation (read definition).

As a strategy point, the absolute worst thing you can do is agree to this. NC on your part will likely lesson their relationship time, and problems between them will arise much sooner.

Conversely, you continuing to be there for her will tighten their false bond. Contact will strengthen their relationship as you become the "whipping boy" that bonds them together.

I'm hesitant to tell you the above, but anyone who has been through it, knows this is the case.

It's all about the triangle, the 3-legged stool. Remove a leg (i.e. remove you), and it all comes crashing down.

All this said... . RUN! It's your best option.

I've thought this as well. I'm in a similar situation. My exBPDgf is getting married this month and soon after moving 5000 miles away to live with the guy. She triangulated us 2 and cheated on him about 20 times with me within their 6 months of dating. She even got engaged and we still hooked up a few times (not proud of that) and she still told me she loved me. 5 weeks ago I made the decision to go NC and since then she has called, texted, emailed me like crazy. I've gotten text messages that say "I miss you so much it hurts" and "Please" and emails that say "I would like to talk if you can with me."

I think all this is because of what gaslit talks about. By having me as the safety net her relationship with the guy went smoother. He's aware of her and I but stays with her. I broke up with her after 5 months because I couldn't take the triangulation (read definition) unlike him. Of course I got recycled in as the ex and saw everything from the other side, I saw everything that I feared and hoped wasn't true when I dated her. I didn't know about BPD until months after we broke up.

The truth is that her not having that backup and the combination of getting married is putting tremendous amounts of stress and anxiety on her. Before I went NC she told me I'd make a good second husband (even though she's about to get married). Crazy. If there is one thing I'm surprised about it's that she hasn't found a new back up - or maybe she has and I don't know since I've been NC.

Thanks for this post... I was starting to get weak again with NC and was considering responding to her email. I'm not going to lie... if NC ended her current relationship, I'd be very happy since it's the relationship that broke down mine. Not one of the best motivations but at least it helps me stay NC.

[Gaslit]

if NC ended her current relationship, I'd be very happy since it's the relationship that broke down mine. Not one of the best motivations but at least it helps me stay NC.

Whatever it takes! And there is something about how doing nothing, does so much!

[Hurtbad]

Wow... . I am amazed at how similar our experiences are... . thank you all.  I got a test tonight that I actually felt bad for her about:  she wrote that she finds herself in an awful bind in that she dated too soon, committed, and still loves me.  she even called it her just dessert for moving on so soon.  She does not know what to do, she says.  Yet she is already committed to moving 3000 miles away to live with her new guy and has a job she contracted for already.  It is quite startling!

HB

[Finallyblooming]

Hi there,

Triangulation (read definition) is mostly used in custody and family dynamics, if you have a couple who has a child and then a new parent is introduced, like a step parent, it becomes a triangulated relationship and how that child responds to the adults in that dynamic.

If that makes sense.

When we see kids who are dealing with a new step parent and that kid goes back and forth saying "This person said this about you mom, she said you were fat" and then goes to the step mom and says "my mom says you're ugly and stupid" and dad is left in the middle trying to referee.

I can see where this might be a little similar, maybe. Not entirely. It sounds like someone wants their cake and eat it too. 

[Scout99]

Wow... . I am amazed at how similar our experiences are... . thank you all.  I got a test tonight that I actually felt bad for her about:  she wrote that she finds herself in an awful bind in that she dated too soon, committed, and still loves me.  she even called it her just dessert for moving on so soon.  She does not know what to do, she says.  Yet she is already committed to moving 3000 miles away to live with her new guy and has a job she contracted for already.  It is quite startling!

HB

Here I think it is important to keep your feelings a bit in check... .

So new guy lives 3000 miles away, and in order to be with him, she needs to commit to making a huge change and plunge into the unknown... . For a person whose greatest fear is to be abandoned, these kinds of changes are very, very stressful and saturated with loads of anxiety around anticipated fears... . They always anticipate the end of a r/s, and at the same time dread it as an inevitable doom... .

So going through with such an ordeal as relocating for love, means it has to be the only option, or else she won't go through with it. Or she has to know that if it fails there is a backup plan... .

That backup plan could in her mind be you... . So making sure that you still feel warm and fuzzy about her will be important to her, and could even make the difference in her going through with the move or not... . (that is if she feels she could rekindle things with you in the future, she can go ahead with the move... . If not, then she may even start looking for a new love interest all together... . )

I recognize this chain of thought from my now ex bf w BPD, and above all what he told me about his past... . He had been moving around our country following love, and it had of course failed. He got to the town where he lives now too for love, and it failed, got another love in another town, but this time when she suggested him moving to her, he had an affair, or fell off the wagon as he puts it... . And the r/s failed... .

With me he wanted nothing more in the beginning, than to move back to the city where I live, (since he originally is from there), but the closer we ever got to making any kind of such plans, he got hesitant, and often started to dysregulate... . The reason for this was he had no one else in his back pocket, if the r/s should fail with me... . That became too risky for him... . And the very reason he used to push me away the last time around was in fact also the distance... .

So beware here... . so you don't become here life insurance... . her backup plan, if all fails with mr Right 3000 miles away... . If her feelings were with you first and foremost, then this moving plan of hers would be non existent... .

If she is hesitant about moving, she could also use you as a cushion to land on when she breaks things off with 3000-miles-away-guy... . But then her search for a new and exiting infatuation will begin all over again... . They are addicted to the initial phase of a r/s, the idealization, the passion... . Because that feeling makes them feel loved. Whereas stability and security and intimacy makes them smell the always present scent and fear of the impending end... .

At least that is what I believe... .

Best Wishes

scout99

[Gaslit]

Because that feeling makes them feel loved. Whereas stability and security and intimacy makes them smell the always present scent and fear of the impending end... .

Regarding the above, what I always found fascinating is that when it is only in their head that you will leave them, they push you away. But when you really are leaving them, they pull you back, or try way more hard to get you back.

That always fascinated me.

It must mean that when they invent that you are leaving, they have dueling thoughts, and part of them knows it isn't real, so in a way, it is safe to push you away, because you are not leaving.

But when you are really leaving, they freak!

[fromheeltoheal]

Triangulation (read definition) involves the addition or subtraction of a third person into a relationship dynamic, which can either stabilize or destablize the primary relationship. It usually isn't triangulation (read definition) when she is playing two guys against each other or trying to maintain independent relationships with both, since the 3 of you are never together in the same dynamic.

Anyway, I got the "I love you very much as a person and a friend, but... . " speech, actually after I had left her, and my take was she knows all of her many, many relationships go bad, not necessarily her fault, but she is disordered, and she's learned that close, intimate relationships are impossible since the push/pull dynamic of the disorder shows up, and the intense chaos of the resulting relationship is crazymaking for both, but she still likes or 'loves' me, so why not try and have a 'friendship', which is her way of trying to keep the good but not the bad.  Kudos for us for making that kind of impact on them, we can take that as a compliment, and rest assured the new relationship will go to crazyville too, but you need to decide if you want a detached relationship with her, which to me is moving backwards, but hey, she's doing the best she can.

[Gaslit]

when she is playing two guys against each other

IS exactly triangulation (read definition).

[fromheeltoheal]

when she is playing two guys against each other

IS exactly triangulation (read definition).

No, actually it isn't; see clearmind's 'triangulation (read definition) explaned' above.

[Clearmind]

Labels are tempting. All this is, is classic emotional immaturity! Many of us have it!  It's not triangulation (read definition) just because it involved 3 people!

Her motive is to get someone, anyone to help her self soothe.

Your ex is being immature by roping everyone into her drama and my friend I'm sorry to say that you need to exercise some emotional maturity and understand the dynamics here - by - stepping back and realising this is not a good situation for you. If you are waiting for her to step back then we are playing a major role in this dynamic.

[Hurtbad]

I agree Clearmind.  Not a good place at all.

[MaybeSo]

Omg.

If three people are involved in drama it's at least a drama triangle.

It doesn't happen to us, we either stay on the triangle or get off it.

In this thread, the woman is involved with two men. The poster is choosing to be part of a triangle if he continues to be her confidant she shares with about her ambivilance regarding the other man.

We get to feel special and we put ourselves in the role of rescuer when we participate; we feel special, they still love us and feel torn.

She is immature and playing the role of victim; if she is conflicted about her new relationship, she should communicate her concerns to to her new lover not the old lover... . but she is too emotionally immature to deal with it... . honest communication is intimate and too scary, so she dilutes her anxiety by sharing with her old lover. Usually the new lover is painted as a bad guy in some manner too, further stimulating rescue instincts and feelings of being special.

Meanwhile, she is making sure no matter what happens, she has a lover.

Often,  pwBPD is deathly afraid of being left single and alone.

It's quite possible more than one person is being used as a shoulder to cry on about the new love... . and are getting groomed as being special, too.

Her impending commitment to new lover will trigger very extreme panic feelings, again, intimacy triggers the worst symptoms.

If she leaves the new lover and goes back to the poster... . It may be honeymoon time fir a short period, until the intimacy of relationship triggers her...

And then she will run and do the same pattern over again with someone else.

Drama Triangles are fueled by emotional immaturity of all players; no one takes responsibility for "self". There is usually a pay off but it's short lived and you always end up playing the role of victim. "she left me again, I feel used, she is a bad person".

It would be wise, when an ex is involved with someone else and is coming back to you to share about her conflicted feelings, to get off the triangle, stop taking her calls to talk about such things, tell her she needs to handle her relationship problems with the person she has chosen to be in a relationship with, and forgo the heady fantasy that you are special. That's a tuff, very adult thing to do. We often choose to  participate in a drama triangle instead.

[Clearmind]

Drama triangle if there are players and there is conflict... . if one decides not to play... . drama triangle over. Emotional maturity and stepping back to not get yourself involved is probably helpful.

Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle