He isn't home at 3:30 AM

[pecia]

Last week I gave my BPD husband a boundary that would result in my leaving him if he cheats on me again. The past 2 nights he has left me at home and gone out with his friends to drink. Tonight he still isn't home at 3:30 am. He will never tell me where he is at. I don't know what to do. I want to fly into a rage of my own. In the past that had the opposite effect of what I was going for. Help.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

yes, find out where he was and why he was out so late... . I mean most bars or drinking ususally stops much earlier than 3;30 in the am... . and if he is not willing to tell you where he was and who he is with, then that is a huge trust issue.

And what is he doing at 3:30 in the am? yes, i would wonder and question this one. He can make up any excuse that he fell asleep at his friends house or whatever. But being out til 3;30 in the am would raise a huge flag for me!

[pecia]

He would trip the hell out if I did it. This is my first go at setting boundaries. If you are curious to the whole relationship dynamics - see my other posts. He wasn't out driving last night at least. His co-worker (a single guy) came and picked him up. I saw that he had brought him home as well. It is just concerning to me because when he was young he had a problem with drinking, drugs, and cutting (as well as promiscuity). I just don't want to go down that path. He occasionally will tell me where he is going. Sometimes when I check he is there, other times he is not. Last October he did that and when I found him- he was asleep at a single female co-workers house. He denied any wrongdoing. He always circles the argument back to me (I had a long emotional affair). Everytime I try to talk to him about it - he just says he can't forgive me. He was supposed to be moving out but changed his mind I guess (he does that frequently). Sometimes I get attacked (in a good way) for attention and sex. Other times I can't touch my foot on his foot without him getting irritated. It is very confusing. The more I learn about BPD (read prob 10 books), the more sense it makes. I am a co-dependent. My mom was a horrible alcoholic that I had to take care of and my dad was physically abusive, not to mention that my biological father terminated his rights to me when I was born. So I have my own issues. I am trying to make myself better and still get to keep my husband. I just want him to be a little more considerate. He has said before that he doesn't want to be in a marriage where you have to check up on one another. I don't mind if he checks on me - but he sure does. He has had 1 confirmed physical affair and another 4 or 5 that I feel pretty positive about but he denies. It is hard to talk to him objectively when I am split this black and this emotional.

[rj47]

For people that feel a need to torment by being unreachable for extended periods there is the option of tracking by the non-SO. I've heard cell phone tracking is legal. Autos; not, or at best questionable depending on ownership. However, I've heard of serial cheaters being caught, illegal activities being interceded and suicides being stopped. Its a slippery slope and not something to recommended for anyone short of desperation.

[pecia]

I have thought of the tracking by his cell phone - one problem ... . he got a different account than me and keeps his phone locked at all times so I can't turn on the locator. Also, after last October when I caught him at the woman's house (minus his wedding ring that he had on when he left the house) - he stood there and denied any wrong doing. You just can't get more dead to rights than that. So I figure anything short of catching him with his **** actually in another woman - he will never admit to it. And that is something I have to come to terms with. It is so hard to tell if he is really up to no good or is just screwing with me or if I am not even part of the equation. Last night he went out again. I went to bed at 3 am and he still wasn't home. He did atleast tell me who he was with (same newly single friend and another married guy). He said they were trying to find the newly single guy a date. He started drinking at 4pm and finally told me that he had gotten written up twice at work. He was visible upset about that. Part of me thinks that his going out several nights in a row has something to do with trouble at work, wanting to distract his friend, as well as his emotional turmoil. He also said last night that he would rather go out than sit on the couch in an uncomfortable silence with me. I asked him what was so uncomfortable about it. He wouldn't answer. Then I calmly asked him why he decided not to move out if he was so miserable. He replied "because there is always hope". It seems silly - but that made me feel better. Atleast he still has some feelings in there for me even when I am painted black. My hope is that we have been together so long (18 yrs)- maybe he cannot forget that he does love me.

[rj47]

He also said last night that he would rather go out than sit on the couch in an uncomfortable silence with me. I asked him what was so uncomfortable about it. He wouldn't answer. Then I calmly asked him why he decided not to move out if he was so miserable. He replied "because there is always hope".

There appear to be several things at play. Womanizing and alcohol abuse may have nothing to do with his PD... . and maybe everything.

My BPDw has chronic illnesses and related pain that have shut her in for many years. I do know that the cycle of dependency and withdrawal from the pain meds was the worst trigger for the worst episodes we ever had... . and it nearly ended our marriage after 25 years. I spend a lot of time with recovering alcoholics and drug users. Alcohol abuse is worse IMO.

I don't believe they stay because of "hope". I suspect that he stays because he might really love you but has a hard time engaging in "normal" interaction. I have similar issues with my wife.

If the alcohol is a problem for him, dealing with the BPD in a thoughtful manner is likely to fail. Maybe you should seek some help?

[pecia]

Thanks for everyone's replies. Up until a couple of days ago he wasn't drinking. He did when he was young and then stopped for many years. He really will only drink when he gets dysregulated. It just concerns me because it amplifies his behavior. He was eyeballing his pocket knife like he was contemplating cutting again as well. I looked at him and said "don't even think about it". That is one boundary I established when we were teens. No cutting- which he used to love to do. Ugh. Tonight he is in even worse spirits. He now says he doesn't have hope and that he is only staying until he gets he money to move out. He says because a consensus cannot be reached about my emotional affair- it cannot be fixed. I tried to validate him. I don't think it worked. He says he only feels pain when he is around me. I just don't know what to do.

[waverider]

Sounds like he is simply rebelling. The hard thing about Boundaries is how to define the line. It is counter productive if you start looking for infractions as that can make you feel even worse.

Boundary should be either, I find out about infidelity (you dont go looking for it) as you will feel sick if you find it to be so, or you feel as though his behavior makes you feel like you cant trust him (no evidence need here but behavior is sufficient to make you feel bad). Your boundary is ill defined and somewhere in the middle and so is not making you feel in control and you are being played.

Boundaries are there to protect your own mental well being rather than just a physical reality. So ask yourself what is making you feel sick to the stomach and the boundary should be framed to prevent that.