2 days post breakup, doubting myself

[eternity75]

Hi everyone,

I've been posting my story in the undecided section, but since I have actually ended it, I thought it might be helpful to move to this board.

My story in short is, I met a man in November after talking online and on the phone for a little over a month. He was quick to declare his love for me. I held off on that because I wanted to know I actually felt it before saying it (he said it before we even physically met in person). By all appearances we were perfect together and he was everything I was looking for. Calm, patient, didn't mind helping with cooking, cleaning etc, helpful, cared about his mom, cared about his friends, appeared extremely generous in helping others and consistently said "Maybe someday I will need their help and they will be there for me". We laughed at the same things, we made love, we always had fun together. In Dec I found out he cheated on me (there is a whole weird story surrounding finding out but I'll leave it out). I freaked out and was immediately going to leave. He clung to me, crying, sobbing like a baby, begging me not to leave him. He literally clung on for hours, not letting go, crying, begging, saying he was sorry, etc. I had never seen any kind of behaviour like this from a maand I thought if this is what he is reduced to maybe he really does love me and deserves a second chance. I have never given a second chance to any man who cheats. But I justified it 1. through his reaction to me trying to leave, and 2. because the relationship was so new and we had not OFFICIALLY discussed being exclusive (although to me saying I love you means it). He got his 2nd chance, then I had other reasons to be suspcious and upon further investigation found he had been having emotional affairs with many women on facebook. He seemed emotionally distant from me leading up to this. I again ended it which resulted in being pulled back in several hours or days later. This has been the pattern each time. Basically, our entire relationship has been his words and actions not matching up, phsyical and emotional cheating on his part, me completely giving up all sense of any boundaries for what I will and will not accept etc

So after much thought, 2 nights ago I broke it off with him. We talked on the phone for an hour and a half and by the end of the convo he had convinced me to stay again. I admit I had been watching ALL of his activities online for a long time, and shortly after our conversation, less than an hour later, he was searching for escorts online. He was returning to Mexico in October to visit friends and family and while a couple of times he mentioned me coming with, he changed his mind very quickly and decided he didn't want me to come. Being that many of his online affairs were with women back in Mexico (some exes, some friends, some strangers) I could only assume his reason for not wanting me to go was because he wanted to hook up with them.

After the whole escort thing I decided I was done. I sent him some texts and ended it.

He has not been bombarding me with phone calls, or texts like he did in previous break-ups. But I get the occasional text throughout the day telling me he loves me, or asking if this is really my final decision and if I am sure. Tonight he sent me a song on facebook that basically says please don't leave me. It is so difficult for me to continually remember my reasons for ending it and stick to that. I keep questioning myself.

He is undiagnosed. But he fits the male borderline waif qualities to a T! And yet I keep asking myself "What if I'm wrong?" He has never raged (common with male waifs apparently), we have always had wonderful times together but being in a LDR has also made things very difficult. The thing is, as many opportunities as I have given him to change, he won't (he just gets better at hiding it each time) or can't.

I am sad. I find I have been strong. I have been trying more and more each day to focus on loving myself. I maintain contact with him because despite the cheating, I do not see him as a bad person. I think he's a very hurt and messed up person. And very early on I started questioning what appeared to me to be his need for many women to idolize and validate him. I said it to him too. Which tells me, deep down he thinks very little of himself, in one way or another. He is a very sweet and charming guy, and I don't think any of his actions were meant to deliberately hurt me, although I realize he definitely knew my finding out would hurt me. I guess if he really is BPD, I don't want to be another person in his life who abandons him. I have told him many times now that I am not leaving him, I am leaving the relationship. I will still be there for him to talk, to laugh,  to help him with his English, or whatever... . I just won't be his girlfriend anymore

In many ways, being LDR it's like we were just friends anyways. We talked every day on the phone, we texted, we webcammed when we could... . so really remaining friends, not much would change. But he keeps saying he can't stand to lose me.

I have made it this far... . I just need help to stay strong in realizing there is no point to going back now... . because nothing is going to change. Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can say to him to make him realize thatI have not abandoned him, I have not rejected him as a person, but that I cannot stay in a relationship with him? I have tried to express this different ways as simply as I can... . but it's not sinking in. The harder he tries to get me back, the more difficult it is for me to resist. Although this time around, I have an inner strength and resolve that I did not feel before... . and am not at the same level of devastation as before. I think maybe my head is finally winning over my heart.

[dangoldfool]

Welcome to the leaving board, There plenty of us here to help lend you a ear and suggestions from what has helped us. Asking questions is helpful. Don't feel that you are all alone. Most of us on here would recommend, No contact with the ex if that is what you have decided to do. Contact will just pull you back and prolong you pain...  

[Learning_curve74]

eternity, welcome and a big hug to you. 

As a pwBPD, your ex cannot process the difference between breaking off your romantic relationship and abandonment. They are one and the same in his mind, I know that's exactly how my ex experienced it when I told her why I didn't want to see her anymore.

The conclusion I came to is that the honest heartfelt explanation I gave to my ex was only for myself. To get my exact feelings and thoughts out in the open was my first step to healing, and not to have any expectation whatsoever that my ex could understand what I was trying to explain.

I have to accept that my ex is not a person that I can have a healthy relationship with. She has to accept that her actions are the source of her own pain. Going NC and being in this forum has really accelerated the process of detachment for me personally.

Everybody has to make their own choices in life. I am glad about the ones I've made recently. I hope you can feel that way eventually too.

[Validation78]

Hi Eternity!

I know this is hard right now, we all do. Hang in there, and know that in time it gets easier, I promise!

Allow yourself to process the emotions that are flowing now. It's normal to feel the things you are feeling while you grieve your loss!

You said it best when you said that your head is finally winning over your heart. The practical reasons for leaving this relationship are clear. Keep that in the forefront of your mind, and don't be overwhelmed by the emotions.

Now think about your healing journey. Plan, decide and act.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[eternity75]

Thank you everyone for your support. I know that going no contact is probably best. But I really do feel like that really would be abandoning him. Despite all that has happened, I am not angry with him. I got past the angry phase somewhere a couple of months ago, and now I feel I am moving onto acceptance. I just need those little nudges and reminders along the way to support me. I haven't told my closest friend that I broke it off with my bf. The last time I discussed our relationship with her was when we were camping, and he called me approx every 2-3 hours on that trip. My the end of the trip she was exasperated and fed up and started yelling at me and telling me that I was aware of his behaviour and accepting and enabling it. She was clearly angry and frustrated. I remained calm and told her I understood what she was saying and where she was coming from and appreciated her concern. She said she wasn't judging me but wanted the best for me, wanting him to treat me better, and wanted me to stand up for myself. She was right. However I felt very judged and I haven't brought up my relationship to her since. My mom, who I also usually turn to for support, has all but cut me off because she is post-stroke delusional and saying I am out to ruin her, steal her money and lock her in a home. She spent 25 years in an abusive relationship with my father is was BPD/NPD and she has PTSD. She thinks (currently in her state of mind) that I blame her for not leaving. Any mention of him, the past, or a relationship gone wrong (never mind with a BPD) is a trigger for her.

So I have lost my 2 biggest support systems and at the moment I can't afford a therapist... . so this board is all I have for making sense of this whole thing.

I fully admit that part of my choice not to go NC is my own fear of losing him completely. The cheating was the biggest issue... . but overall I do not look at him as a bad person or someone who was out to hurt me. I have come a long way from my previous relationships where I wanted to hurt others for hurting me, for feeling like I wanted revenge. I realize that never made me feel better. I identify myself as a loving and caring person. And although I realize there is potential for this to be taken advantage of (and it HAS been) I also realize that as I am detaching each day and growing stronger, I am able to keep being the caring and loving (and patient) person that I am. Previous break-ups I always regretted transforming into a person that I disliked (vengeful, angry, depressed). I am somehow managing to maintain my balance right now... . even found myself humming while at work today.

I have made a conscious decision to dedicate some time each day to loving myself. To giving myself some of the special attention that he gave me, or that I wanted him to give me. I am doing affirmations, doing nice things for myself, and trying to "be in the now" more rather than regretful of the past or fearful of the future. This is greatly helping me I think. I just need to be able to "talk it out" sometimes as I am processing my feelings.

I am so grateful for all of you and for this board. It is immensely helpful, and the one thing I didn't have the previous times I decided to break it off with him. I am sure that is making a huge difference in my mindset as well.

[eternity75]

Learning curve... . you say my ex cannot process the difference between leaving a relationship and abandonment. Why do you think that is? In my mind... . I realize right now that is how it feels to him... . but I also think maybe with enough repetition (like when trying to teach something to a child) and displaying that I am still here, have not emotionally left him on his own to deal with everything etc that maybe he will get it?

Is that just wishful thinking?