New Here and Saying Hello

[LauraSz]

Good morning all,

I just joined this forum a few days ago and am so relieved to have found support from others who might be experiencing similar struggles of life with a family member with BPD.

I am a 44 year old woman with a husband, two young children, a full-time job that requires a 3 hour round-trip commute, and 3 pets. I am super busy! In general, I love my life and am very happy. However, I also live with my mother who has BPD - or so we suspect. Two different therapists that I have spoken to over the years have communicated that to me after I have described both my childhood experiences and my adult experiences with her. Although she does not live "in" our house, she lives in an addition that we built 6 years ago when she retired from her job. The addition is self-contained, but is joined to our house via a screened-in porch that we share. Not that it matters. My mother has absolutely no respect for boundaries, limits or privacy. Moving her down with us was the worst mistake I have ever made. However, I don't think she is going anywhere, and nor are we. It's a daily struggle dealing with her that culminates in about 1 or 2 major rage explosions per year, the latest of which took place this past weekend.

My mother is extremely childish, narcicisstic, clingy, lonely, manipulative, controlling, blaming, and guilt-inducing. She lives in denial. Three of her four siblings have anxiety and depression issues (at the very least) and I believe her mother was mentally impaired as well. Yet, my mother is perfect. She doesn't have any issues; rather, everyone else does. According to her, I am a horribly ungrateful daughter, my husband is lazy a-hole, my kids are spoiled, and our lifestyle is flawed. Her nicknames for my husband and I are "dumb and dumber" which she has expressed to her friends, my husband's family, and our neighbors. She makes scenes in front of others, humiliating both my family and herself. When she rages, she becomes intolerable and acts like a four year old. Her "best" statement to me was that "Your father is the lucky one. He doesn't have to deal with you." It should be noted that at that time, my father was in end-stage multiple sclerosis in a nursing home, immobile, on a feeding tube, slowly dying and in constant pain. He divorced her when I was 18 and she has never forgiven him for it. Nor has she ever tried to establish any other relationship with a partner. She hates men. She can't maintain friends because after a couple of years, she gets fed up with them for one reason or another and breaks the friendship off. She has lived in her addition for 6 years now and has made 1 total friend. Refuses to volunteer because she doesn't want to commit to anything. Refuses to drive anywhere. Refuses to get involved in book clubs, movie groups, etc. because they don't meet at the right times, don't include what she wants to read or see, etc. Complains about everything and is never happy. Never.

I am an only child and for my entire life, I have been made responsible for her happiness. I am her entire world. I have been smothered, have been made to feel incompentent, irresponsible, ungrateful, uncaring, and guilty for ever disagreeing with her. Every year, I have told myself that I'm done. I can't do this anymore... . when I went to college, when I got married the first time, when I got divorced, when I got married the second time, when I had my first child, when I had my second child, when I turned 40... . But, now. Now, I'm truly done. This last rage, when she came to an event my family had been invited to with my friends, and screamed and yelled and made an absolute spectacle of herself. When I saw the jaws drop. When I tried to blow it off by saying "oh, that's just the way she is." When I came home to find our dog (that she cares for during the day) on the porch with 2 bowls of unopened food. When I found things that I had given her dropped in the trash, I realized that I can't do this anymore. But I can't do this alone, either. My husband is wonderful and my therapist is great. But I need more to get me through this latest crisis. And, so I found this board and I am so thrilled that I did.

Thank you in advance for the support, guidance, and comaraderie. I look forward to virtually meeting you! 

LauraSz

[Octoberfest]

Hey laura-



Sorry to hear about your troubles- it sounds like you have been doing all that you can to deal with and help your mother.  I am glad that you have found us here at bpdfamily; I think you will find many resources her that can help you out!

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Additionally, I think the following links may be of use to you:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

I hope you find some of this information useful; you will find many people over on the [L5] Board that I linked in this post who can be of much more assistance than I can!

[P.F.Change]

 

Hi, LauraSz, and 

I'm glad you found us. These boards have been a great help to me. It is nice knowing there are others who understand, and there are also some wonderful educational resources such as the ones Octoberfest has shared with you.

Would you like to talk about the events that happened this weekend? Are there any specific things you are looking for help with?

It sounds like you would prefer your mother to live somewhere else. Who owns the property? If it belongs to you and your husband, you may have options to get her to move out if that is what you want.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[LauraSz]

Thank you for the responses. I am looking forward to reviewing the resources

provided!

This weekend was yet another humiliating public rage by my mother. My family had been away for a week on vacation. She had been invited to come, but declined because she gets carsick and we were headed to the mountains. This is true, but I don't think she wanted to come because she didn't want to leave the dog and because my in-laws were also going to be there and they "get on her nerves" (like most everyone else). Regardless, my in-laws came and my mom stayed home. When my family got home, my husband and I got a babysitter for the next day so that we can go out and run errands without the kids. My mom is okay to watch my older son, but can't handle our very active toddler. She gets very nervous and anxious whenever she is with her alone, even if it is only on our porch with us inside. I'm sure she was angry that we didn't leave the kids with her. As it was, she came in three times to "check" on the babysitter to make sure things were ok. Uh huh. Then, that evening, we decided to go to our neighborhood pool. My mother invited herself along to "watch the kids swim" since she didn't get to see them on vacation. I allowed her to do this. The next day, we went to the pool again and did not invite her, nor tell her we were going. She was watching us through the sliding glass door so she knew where we were headed, however. About an hour later, she came to the pool, fully dressed, walked up to the edge of the pool and screamed "THE LEAST YOU COULD HAVE DONE WAS TELL ME THAT YOU WERE COMING HERE SO THAT I COULD COME ALONG." Stormed off and drove away. We got home to find the dog locked out of her addition,on the porch, with the food bowls and 2 cans of unopened food. She put a bunch of stuff I had given her on the table on the porch, had her blinds drawn, and refused to answer the phone when I called.

This is typical of her rages and they usually last about a week. Then she starts acting like nothing is wrong. Yesterday, she emailed me to ask if she could come into our house and get the dog for the day. I said no. She made some lame excuse about the fact that she "just wanted us to spend time with the dog, but that she would still take her during the day". I didn't respond. Plans have been made for the dog and she is not getting the dog back at this point because all she does is use her as a pawn. The dog is ours - we pay for her and we got her. I just let my mother keep her because she had nothing else going on in her life and needed company. At this point, my feeling is that she screwed herself, so too bad.

The hardest thing is that she lives right here and my kids want to see her everyday. If we don't lock the sliding door, she comes in whenever she wants, goes through our mail, interrputs whatever we are doing to talk about herself. We have started locking the door, but she stands at the door and peers in. If she sees us, she knocks and expects us to let her in whenever she wants. I am ordering window shades so she can't see in, but it's really like having a built-in stalker.

The bottom line is that she has been doing this to me forever. She doesn't have the capacity to be rational. I have been hung up on, pushed out of her house, had stuff thrown at me, and been called every name under the sun (in front of my kids). My husband gets her middle finger constantly, along with an "FU". She talks badly about us to her friends, my in-laws, and the neighbors. She thinks she has the right to do this, is entitled to it. When she doesn't get what she wants from me, when she wants it, I'm a horrible person.

We own the house, but she paid for the addition, so it is hers. We share the porch. She will never move and we aren't in a position to, either. So, we have to find a way to make it work. It's just terribly uncomfortable and awkward. I have let my kids go on the porch and into her house over the last few days, but I don't go with them. I don't want to take the kids away from her, but I can't let them be subject to this. She is already starting with my older one saying things like "If I don't get a kiss, I don't think I can buy you anything anymore."

She is a lonely woman and terribly sad. She is in total denial that anything is wrong with her. Her family guilts me by saying "all she has is you" but she has had 6 years to make a life for herself here and has refused to do so.

I just want a life for myself and my family without her drama. Is that too much to ask?

[Sitara]

LauraSz,

Welcome, and I'm so sorry things are so stressful for you!  I can't even imagine having to live next door to my uPBD mom.  I wish I had advice for you, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.  I hate it when my mom does something then pretends nothing is wrong!  Like she can just ignore the situation and it won't ever happen.  I hope you are able to find a solution that is best for you and your family!

[Finallyblooming]

Hi LauraSz,

Wow, sounds like you have a lot going on. I can hear how frustrated you are and definitely understand that. Hopefully this will help with some of that. Glad you're here.

[skinny13]

LauraSz,

Welcome! I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, but as you have already seen many of us can relate to what you are describing with your BPD mother.

I think you are taking some good steps (not allowing her to take care of the dog is key - she cannot be trusted with your dog if she will be cruel to it and deny it food!). I think you have been a very supportive, very, very gracious daughter and you have put up with a lot of abuse. It sounds like you are working on boundaries and that is going to be tough because she will likely get more and more angry as you enforce those boundaries (and new ones) more and more.

Her family isn't right to guilt trip you. Where are they in all this? You should tell them you need help and you can't care for her alone. You have every right to have time to yourself (such as going to the pool without her). It's not your fault that she has no support system -- that is on her. You can't be her sun, moon, and stars -- you have your own family to take care of -- and yourself to take care of too!

I hope you will be successful in enforcing more boundaries with her. And when it comes to her public rages, I would tell her that if she pulls one of those again, she needs to find a new place to live. Sounds like she is able to drive herself around, etc. and lives very independently in your addition. So therefore she can go do that in an apartment. She will guilt trip you, she will rage at you... . but really you have put up with so much and you have every right to protect yourself and your family from further abuse.

Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.