Well, I got confimation of cheating.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

To make this story as short as possible. About 6 months back my uBPDgf had faliing out wiht a workmate. 

She proceeded to delete and block her from my FB.  She then went on to delete ad block a load of other work collegues.  At the time I was a bit suspicious but just assumed it was because of the falling out.

But After having read all the symptoms of people with BPD, she only one I was not sure about was the cheating.

Well that and the self harm but she is high functioning.

So, I decided to get in contact with the firend she fell out with (via other means outside of FB) and find out what had happened.

WEll, my suspicions about her deleting and blocking people were all true, she did not want them to tell me ofher infidelities.

Turns out she kissed a lot of guys and went home after nights out wth at least 2 or 3.

And before she started her new job in last year, she had inded been having an affair with a guy which I suspected.

She told her work colleagues that she thought she might be in love with that guy.

And I think about the mountain of crap I have put up with over the 19 months together for even just going to the movies with my family. 

I have literally just found out this information, even seen pics of her kissing a guy, so not sure how to end this ridiculous relationship but I know 100& in my head it is over.

I have been looking out of it for a few months now due to her abusive and controlling behaviour but his has sealed teh deal.

I have just bought her flights to come stay with me for a few months and also trnasferred a whack of money to her account to help process the visa (to show them she has money).

I might just wait until the outcoume of the visa process, then either positive or negative have her transfer the money back.  Then let the bomb sheel drop and say adios.

In fact I might not just say anything and delete all trace of her.

Both relieved and very hurt!

[popeye6031]

To make this story as short as possible. About 6 months back my uBPDgf had faliing out wiht a workmate. 

She proceeded to delete and block her from my FB.  She then went on to delete ad block a load of other work collegues.  At the time I was a bit suspicious but just assumed it was because of the falling out.

But After having read all the symptoms of people with BPD, she only one I was not sure about was the cheating.

Well that and the self harm but she is high functioning.

So, I decided to get in contact with the firend she fell out with (via other means outside of FB) and find out what had happened.

WEll, my suspicions about her deleting and blocking people were all true, she did not want them to tell me ofher infidelities.

Turns out she kissed a lot of guys and went home after nights out wth at least 2 or 3.

And before she started her new job in last year, she had inded been having an affair with a guy which I suspected.

She told her work colleagues that she thought she might be in love with that guy.

And I think about the mountain of crap I have put up with over the 19 months together for even just going to the movies with my family. 

I have literally just found out this information, even seen pics of her kissing a guy, so not sure how to end this ridiculous relationship but I know 100& in my head it is over.

I have been looking out of it for a few months now due to her abusive and controlling behaviour but his has sealed teh deal.

I have just bought her flights to come stay with me for a few months and also trnasferred a whack of money to her account to help process the visa (to show them she has money).

I might just wait until the outcoume of the visa process, then either positive or negative have her transfer the money back.  Then let the bomb sheel drop and say adios.

In fact I might not just say anything and delete all trace of her.

Both relieved and very hurt!

[Aussie0zborn]

So you don't live together? It shouldn't be too hard for you to get her out of your life. From my experience i would think that even if you dump her the money is a big win for her. You can cut her joy by somehow getting your money back.

You are lucky that you are not in too deep and had the good sense to see her for what she is  and also reaching out.  I wished I had found this forum when I was 19 months into my uBPD relationship as I had no idea what was going on and was too shocked and shamed to talk to anyone about it.

If you are prepared to sacrifice the money, I would be turning my phone off when her flight lands. Good luck.  I hope you make a decision that benefits the quality of your life.

[Surnia]

Hi popeye

Uff, this sucks. 

I think this is the moment to think about your values and boundaries. And should you decide to end it, than I would think about the finiancial damage and/or how much contact is healthy for you.

[popeye6031]

Well of course she is completely denying it and she claims that she just dancing closely with the guy and that everything else being told to me is lies and the ex friend is out for revenge.

The ex-friend of hers that give me the information is saying that everything she said is true and that there is much more she cannot tell me. I get the feeling it is very personal stuff about me. 

If I had to go with my gut, I would say everything that has been told to me is true but of course I am being emotinally blackmailed and manipulated into trusting my gf. Se says she will never do anything like that again. And by that she means not to be caught embraced on the dancefloor with another guy with body language very much suggesting they are kissing. I am more concerned about the many guys she kissed, slept with, grabbing her manager's crotch and the rest. But , of course, she did not do any of it.

The one question I will ask of everyone here.

If I were to send an email to a load of her work colleagues asking them questions and none of them were to reply or one was to say "I don't really know her". What would that suggest to you?

If i was sent a mail asking me if certain things were true and I knew the person to be 100% innocent, I would reply and say "I never saw or heard anything about that".

Also, if when my gf fell out with girl (5 months ago) and went straight to my FB and deleted that girl, all her friends and blocked them. What would you think? I know what I was thinking at the time.

[Surnia]

Sounds like something has changed now. I hear that you need now some confirmation from us or from coworkers.

Cheating is a bit like drug use: It is sometimes not so easy to have 100% security about it. Once the box is open, so to say, its a trust issue.

What about the simple question: Do you trust your gf?

And how much trust do you need in a rs?

[Aussie0zborn]

Sending emails to her workmates might not give you the answers you are looking for. Sometimes people don't want to get involved - if she still works with them they won't want to be involved. What do they owe you?

If you need to do this then there is something wrong somewhere. If you decide to continue the relationship you will soon find yourself installing spyware on her computer, bugging the house and doing all these things that one doesn't need to do in a real relationship and you will not know yourself and wonder what's happened to your life. Once you are in deep it is harder to get out. If you feel somewhat uncomfortable now, chances are you will feel even more uncomfortable later.

I'm thinking the reason you posted this topic is that you know that something isn't right and you are now trying to prove yourself wrong. Don't doubt yourself - if there wasn't something wrong you wouldn't have had that horrible feeling in the first place. Go with your gut feeling.