Am I overreacting?

[Viso]

My M in law and my H's best friend said "my H doesn't have BPD... . he is just stressed and lack of sleep.

Just let him be, he will get over it."

A quick summary of what is happening to me. My husband decided two weeks ago that he has given up on me and will never communicate with me ever again. He said that I don't care about him anymore. I have known him for eight years and I still do not know what gets him upset and how to comfort him. Truth is a lot of times he gets upset if things dont get done his way or it is something that "he thinks" but it is not even the "truth". I honestly have tried both ways, letting him get over himself or talking to him. When I don't talk = I don't care. When I do talk = he doesn't want to talk and he said I don't understand anyway and he will not explain because I am too stupid. It's always a NO WIN situation. I asked if we can work this out together and he said I am 100% at fault and he doesnt care anymore and I have to figure out how to be a better person. He is always putting negative thoughts on me even be conclusive of what I am thinking. Always walking on eggshells... .

I definitely don't think his behaviour is normal... . and he matches the traits of BPDs.

I feel that I cant just let him get it over it... . this will just make him MORE BPD and our relationships will always be bad and will affect the kids.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

There are many, many people who may know a lot more about PD's then we do... . However... . no one cares more about PD's when you have to LIVE with them... . under these conditions in my experience... . one becomes an EXPERT virtually over night if not for anything else but survival... .

[gwlincoln]

Having found this site and information at this point in your relationship will be beneficial to you. At least you have a start to understanding. It took me until this week and 20 years of dealing with what you described to find this.  I am a strong man, with a friendly disposition and leadership qualities in the world. But at home, I am what I have to be to keep peace in the house because we too have kids.  However, I grieve the lack of any REAL 'connection' with my BP. 

If I didn't have children, I probably would have chosen years ago to end the relationship.  I believed strongly that the commitment I made needed 110% due diligence. I also believed God brought us together, so How can I go against that.  I am not sure what God wanted, but I don't think it is to make each other miserable. In the end it is to seek him.  We both have certainly done this, been active in church, have a closer spiritual connection with God that perhaps without the experience I would not have otherwise.  Maybe now God is guiding me to move on.  That's at least what I hear from her every other day. 

Him calling you stupid, this is not ok.  This site offers ways to communicate with your BP, but if you can not get control of these behaviors that put you down, you are likely to lose so much dignity that YOU will be lost and no good for yourself or your children.  Seek counseling help. At first for you, and if necessary without his knowledge if possible. Just be ready for his RAge if he finds out.  Protect the children from 'seeing' this behavior toward you while you are learning how to cope.  My largest concern today for myself is that my children have been witnessing these behaviors because my spouse no longer keeps it private. They are not seeing a healthy, loving, bonding, intimate relationship between two people. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

My M in law and my H's best friend said "my H doesn't have BPD... . he is just stressed and lack of sleep.

Just let him be, he will get over it."

The family might not get it. The symptoms are more pronounced the more intimate the bonds. And since you've been together for 8 years, it's been a while that you're the closest person to him so you get to see the most BPD behaviours. My BPDbf is diagnosed with the disorder. Still, his sister told me just a couple of weeks ago that she doesn't believe he has BPD, that he's just being selfish. She has not educated herself on BPD and her no real understanding of the disorder. I didn't want to get into a long explanation of his symptoms and behaviours so I just said that his relationship with her and with me are very different and that a BPD diagnosis is based on a lot more that "being selfish".

It irked me because it feels like lack of support. For me, for one thing, but even more so lack of support for my bf. But it's one of those things I've decided to let go of. At least I know I can't expect her to be on the same page as me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Truth is a lot of times he gets upset if things don't get done his way or it is something that "he thinks" but it is not even the "truth".

I also wanted to comment on this. Feelings = truth for someone with BPD. So if he's feeling something, then that's he truth to him. No matter what the actual facts say and no matter how he felt about it in the past. And as his feelings go up and down and all around, so does the "truth" that goes with it. Whenever I try to apply logic to a situation where in my opinion my dBPDbf's "turth" is way off, his comeback is always "but I just know because I feel it!" or "I don't care about that, it's just something that you feel!". Applying logic in those moments is very invalidating to him.

People with BPD also tend to be extremely sensitive to what they perceive as critique. So not doing something "his way" is dismissing him and critiquing him (his feelings) that then becomes you don't care about him, you're a bad person (the truth that he connects to the feelings). It's trying for sure. But the tools really do help over time.

[Viso]

Thanks everyone for your support. It is so true that I feel lack of support because nobody around me really understands this. My friends will just tell me to leave and forget it... . or tell me i have to live with it cuz I decided to stay. Where I thought my M in law would understand more... . instead I am just finding more and more reasons why my H is the way he is. The counsellor I am seeing recommended a few books and she mainly focuses on helping me cope and not feel too upset with things my H says. I am doing lots of reading now about BPD. Havent got an answer to what I should do with him. Well, I guess there isn't a "right" answer to this cuz everyone is different. I seem like I am rushing to fix him... . but I am worried because lately my 3 year old is also losing temper all the time and he doesnt know why himself and I am really scared my boy has inherited BPD. I sure hope this is just part of the terrible twos and threes.

More details about what's going on the past two weeks:

On the day he decided not to communicate with me, basically he said that he is not interested in me anymore and will just live like this for the rest of our lives. What he meant is we still live together. Everything stays the way it has always been... . I continue to do all the house chores and pay bills... . just all the stuff I always do including making lunch and dinner for him. But he will not talk to me when nobody is around. So he acts like normal when others are around. When nobody is here, whatever I say to him, he will not respond. He did talk to me a few times since then, and that was buy me a pack of cigarette and go buy me some food. And one time, it seems like he has forgotten he is upset at me and answer a word and then stops abruptly. I message him and talk to him everyday and I do tell him that I love him and miss him and his voice and everything. When I do that, he just puts the gate up again and ignores me. I just pray every night that somehow hhe realizes he has got BPD and opens himself to me and for treatment.