How, and is a long-term BPD r/s recommended..?

[rj47]

{/quote}I’ve also wondered how folks having or had long term relationships with BP’s do it or fare…  Wondering if the effort’s worth it.  Is what we feel we ‘get’ at least equal to or better than the tremendous outlay of emotions, resources and effort we give  

Can’t say I’ve concluded anything … other than some ‘self therapy’ with an audience ... . [/quote]
I've been pondering that question for 30 years but have concluded that I don't know what I don't know.

Identifying my wife's PD early in the relationship (without knowing what it was) was easy. However, the coping mechanisms I slid into to keep the PD in check turned out to be personally destructive. I was a hard charging Type-A personality building a successful business; and then, would turn into a blithering idiot at home when the PD "demon" showed. My children deserved better than that. She did as well

Its hard to consider the question of "was it worth it" focusing on my own discrete needs. My children grew up to be decent adults and thanked me for enduring through their childhood. They've suggested that she would not be alive today, but for the patience and longsuffering I endured. Does that have "worth"? Absolutely. Again, I don't know what I don't know about what an alternative path might have produced in both of us.

You touched on a point that is somewhat disturbing for me personally. I've suspected that the insidious nature of her PD was like an infectious parasite. I was drawn to her 30-yrs ago because of an edgy and unpredictable nature that she continues to have today. The sexual connection was immediate and intense, also continues, and has increased as she's become more attractive with age. It was frustrating a few years ago when we separated for a time. There were quality women wanting to explore relationship with me, but I found that I just wasn't that interested. I was bored. She quite possibly is the answer to most every man's mid-life crisis, and, a source of a different crisis. Its maddening.  I'm 55 and wonder if my emotional maturity was interrupted long ago, or a parasitic psycho-pathogen infected me, or, I'm just a nuts as her. Simple CLARITY continues to elude me.

I don't know if I'll ever settle the answer in my own mind if its "been worth it". And, I'm unable to objectively chart the highs and lows into a concrete decision about what "the best decision" is. I go into deep despair when the demon shows, and, feel incredible joy when the half crazy intoxicating erotic woman I fell for long ago shows up for a time.

Sorry. No thoughtful answer from me, but check in with me in a few days. I may be screaming RUUNNNNN!

D*mn frustrating it is... . but definitely never boring.

[Inside]

Charred -  “The fear of us moving in together seemed to be the final nail in my r/s coffin with my BPD. She freaked and went NC... and next showed up on FB with another guy... ”

…I’m wondering about the same … looking at selling out and moving her direction.  As she’s tentatively ‘suggested’ I live with her, I’ll be juggling my finances to the point of not being able to afford a costly mistake, as well as relocating.  Though my job’s in her town, I’m not tied to it and would easily move on to something else.  I could and would likely ‘reinvest’ in a home, but (or BUT), if we split again (which odds are we will... ) I’d then prefer to be a long (long) way from her and job both… 

My BPgf seems even to mirror my relationships.  Though she’s quick to begin working her circuit, it’s not until “I” find an interest that she finds one too.  As fearful to commit to them as me, she simply leads them on until they begin pressuring her for sex, where she fortunately draws the line. …and as I’ve known them (the usual suspects), I’m quite aware of their activities... .   Strange, when she begins getting pressure like that – she hunts for me.  …and I consider that a ‘sign of the depth of our love’ (whether it is or not) and have easily returned … and dropping my ‘healthy’ interest ... . why does pecking this out make it appear vastly more stupid... ?

Yah… Karma and Chameleon’s

“like most people here, I started out at my wits end, stressed and lost, hurting from a breakup. Was vacillating back and forth between I can't live without her and I need to stay the heck away from the toxic r/s.”

…me, too  And, it’s actually embarrassing to see where I’ve ended up… after having once so adamantly decided  - No More! …right...     It also bothers me to mention havinng even a smidgen of ... fun with my ‘once former’ BPgf ... . when so many are giving all they’ve got to forget theirs...   ... I’m sorry ... . and sometimes I feel downright weak... and stupid.  The friend I’d described as “my template for healthy” really lays into me (actually to the point of feeling breaking it off with her was a healthy thing) – telling how ‘self sabotaging’ I am and how much I must love getting my butt kicked by BPDgf…  Don’t know that I like it – but here we are again.  …and again, this being day 3 of ‘her’ camping trip (she texted a photo of some specially beer with the raging river behind it – I returned a shot of a weed root next to a Dr Pepper and my work boot from weeding my garden …alone).  She plays – I hold down the fort… 

“I suspect the healthier someone is mentally the better they would be equipped to handle being in a r/s with a pwBPD... and the less likely they would be to do so... ”

Perfect!  …didn’t know whether to laugh or bow at that one ... . as it gave me something to think about while I weeded.  Yah, wow...   OK – Now I’m laughing …not ‘at us,’ but ‘with us’  OK – really cracking up now

So, latching on to a BP is kinda like taking a shortcut to love?  Never thought of it that way, either.  But like theft – we really didn’t earn it?  …a frightening vision I’ve had is having stolen love from a child … until it morphs into an angry nail-spitting adult with thoughts of ‘Revenge!’   …I think you’ve been trying to explain to me that both partners are a little nuts …or a lot.

“She could play a crowd and have a likable persona/game face... . but it had nothing to do with what she was really like, it was acting... . ”

Seems what they do… especially the ‘high functioning’ type.  Any more, I’m not so ‘proud’ of my r/s with BPgf.  As mentioned, in the beginning, the mutual friends she’s so impressed seemed equally impressed with me, as I was with her.  Now, I’m not so sure …and the few things we’ve done as a couple in the last few recycles have not involved that crowd… 

“The nature of BPD... my pwBPD will never be cured... if she were, she wouldn't be the person I was drawn to like superglue... . so its either take it warts and all or end it…”

Yup

[Inside]

rj47 -  “My children grew up to be decent adults and thanked me for enduring through their childhood. They've suggested that she would not be alive today, but for the patience and longsuffering I endured.”

Well put…  it’s hard to look at stable young adults and consider their existence a mistake …no matter the price you paid... .   Considering my long-term marriage with Anxious wife, I’m beginning to get similar feedback from my daughters… 

“Simple CLARITY continues to elude me.”

…I’m 56, and apparently in the same boat  …but this ‘addiction, virus or parasite’ is relatively new to me.  She does remind me of a girl I sat next to in grade ('middle' school … we had so much fun we grew too close to become lovers in HS, but her wild edgy nature took us to a place ‘other’s at the table’ couldn't understand or keep up with.  Now, my BPgf reminds me of the same – with sex.  Is it us -- some hardwiring defect inhibiting our patients for ... normal? 

I have made a serious effort to meet up with woman friends for the last couple of months (of vacation) and away from my BPgf.  There is a draw – sometimes I feel myself light up due to ‘their clarity,’ their ‘non-drama,’ their common sense…  OK – Maybe it’s the fact I’ve not been set up by friends - called and encouraged to get together even before our ‘first date’ – out drinking - ended up at their house – and becoming semi-intimate within the week – all prior to our ‘first date!’  …after which – warp ten   ‘Normal’ hadn’t a chance!

“D*mn frustrating it is... . but definitely never boring.”

Guess life’s just a work in progress … as we scurry to add our contribution to the canvas…  Thanks for yours