Cycle of conflict -need help

[wishfulthinking]

So I'm always the selfish one, right? I took The day off to spend with my daughter. I told him because if I don't he gets mad. She and I needed to finish school supply shopping because he had used the money and I didn't get any until today to finish. School starts tomorrow. He takes the day off too. Comes in wakes me up. I have to get ready early on a day I finally get to sleep. Then we run five different places for him and I got to go to the one place out of four I needed to go. I barely got her supplies on time to go to open house for school. I didn't get to go to the other four places I needed.

I think he's jealous of me wanting to spend time with my daughter.

Then, he signed us up for a fleamarket garage sale on Friday and Saturday. I took the day off work for Friday. Now he has to work Friday I get no help. Then on Saturday he is having breakfast with his best friend while I have to run the garage sale and set it up by myself. My ex husband's girlfriend is going to help me on Saturday but I have no help on Friday. And I'm the selfish one?

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[SadWifeofBPD]

r I took The day off to spend with my daughter. I told him because if I don't he gets mad. ... . He takes the day off too.

I think this sort of thing happens with pwBPD.  When they learn that their partner has a day off, they want to take the same day off.  They can't bear to go to work knowing that you're not working, too.   That's probably why he insists on you telling him in advance, so he can take the day off, too.

I guess, in the future, when you schedule something like that, you have to exact some promises that you need to adhere to your schedule plan so that you can get your errands done... . the purpose of the day off.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again lostinparadise

Sounds like you're having a tough week   It's exhausting doing so much and sort of being dragged into doing things that demands a lot of effort on your part.

Have you had a chance look at the lessons on the right --------> since you joined? I've seen some of your posts and noticed that you seem to have a stressful time.

Having BPD, your husband is not likely to take into account how his actions are affecting you. I've stretched too far many times, bending over backwards to accommodate my dBPDbf and not getting much understanding or validation in return. What made a difference for me was realising that this is part of the disorder and beginning to look after myself more.

Do you think this, doing things for him when you might not really feel like it, is something you could work on? It might be a boundary issue, or maybe something for a conversation using S.E.T... . ? What do you think?

[wishfulthinking]

I've been using validation and trying to incorporate SET. It is helping to keep his blame and dysregulation where it should be directed instead of shifting toward me. Last night was pretty good and today was good mood-wise but I just got lost in his shuffle. Now I'm behind. Home at 7, had to eat, get daughter ready for first day of school, take care of animals, clean kitchen (dishes I'm the sink can set him off), and still have more than half of garage sale stuff to do. He's at his best friend's house... . I'm frustrated because I NEVER get done what I need to. I burned work leave to spend 2 hours in Menards? I don't think so... . ugh.

He semi-apologized for taking my day, but in a way where I could tell he was fishing for reassurance and if I didn't give it it would be the whole you don't love me bs. Sigh.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Having BPD, your husband is not likely to take into account how his actions are affecting you

i think this is what we Nons just have to accept.  It's funny, we accept it when a two year old is oblivious to how their tantrums and demands affect others. 

[wishfulthinking]

A two year old will get disciplined and taught not to do it. My daughter tried a tantrum once.  She got the smackdown put on her and she never did it again.  Just like she bit me ONCE, she got disciplined and never did it again.  That's the difference.  I'm so mad about this stupid sale I can't see straight.  I shouldn't have to do it alone.  How am I supposed to unload tables and stuff by myself?  I have a heart condition and am not as strong as I used to be.  But he "has to work", you know.  I'm so far beyond livid. 

Sorry for the vent.  I just do all I can to make things go smooth, I plan and I budget and I try to be on time for things and not rush.  I teach my daughter the way to be a good person and take other's feelings into account.  THEN, he is the worst about taking others into account... . wait... . he takes strangers into account, but those he loves he doesn't... . BUT, I am the one accused all the time of being selfish and not caring.

[123Phoebe]

I shouldn't have to do it alone.  How am I supposed to unload tables and stuff by myself?  I have a heart condition and am not as strong as I used to be.  But he "has to work", you know.  I'm so far beyond livid. 

What would happen if you canceled the sale?  Sounds like it's physically impossible to do alone and the thought of it is causing you a lot of stress.  He signed you up for it, it wasn't your idea and isn't your obligation to do by yourself or to find a way to make it work.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I agree with the above.

Why do you have to do the sale?  If you're doing it just because he signed you up for it, then you're giving him too much power. 

Just say that your health won't permit it, and that you'll do it on a weekend when you're both FULLY ABLE to FULLY WORK the garage sale.  And, I mean... . fully work for both of you. 



I agree that with a two year old, you can discipline them.  What I meant is that when a two year old has demands, they really are clueless about how their demands affect others.  WE understand that they're not capable of thinking, "hey, mommy probably doesn't like hearing me whine about XXXXXX."    That same kind of mind is in a pwBPD. 

[wishfulthinking]

I had to pay $20 for the space, I hate to lose it.  Considering I'm the only one putting money into the household right now, every penny counts and I need to do the sale, honestly.  It just makes me so mad because he's gung-ho about it and then crunch time, he can't do it.  I know if I say anything about it, he will call me selfish and I don't want to listen to that for days and then be reminded of the incident later when he's in a bad mood, either.  I'm just stuck on this one, I guess.  These are the times I hate him.

[GaGrl]

Now would be the time to establish your boundaries for future sign-ups.

"We paid for the space, and we need the garage sale money, so I'm going to see this through.  In future, I can't work a garage sales space by myself."

The trick is figuring out what your action will be in response to boundary violation.  Remember, it's your boundary -- not his.  He most likely WILL cross the boundary.  So what will your action be?  Refuse to work the sale, and let the $20 go?  Know ahead of time.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm just frustrated.  I'm tired from all his running yesterday, I miss my daughter, I don't feel well, I'm on the verge of tears is all.  Sorry.  I just try so darn hard and nothing ever changes in my life.  It's all bad after bad. I really thought I had something happen in my life that was wonderful and positive (besides my daughter, so for the first time in 9 years, I guess) and I end up hurt again.  In the past 3 years my mom, grandma, and 2 aunts have died... . I have no one else but horrible trash family left who I won't expose my daughter to.  She doesn't need to be around people who are in jail all the time and live like homeless bums because they CHOSE to.  How many kids can get taken away before you quit having them, you know?  Sigh... . but I digress.  Just so frustrated.  Sorry. I try to give my daughter a good life, and she is a happy girl, but so many other negatives in my own life, makes me wonder what I did so bad in a past life... . Maybe I was Hitler?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I agree that this can be a good time to start working on boundaries.

You didn't sign up for the sale

You're obviously tired

True, $20 is frustrating to lose in a tight economy. But so is your health and well being.

Often a boundary is not even something that we have to communicate. But in this case, I think it might be a good idea to use SET to communicate that the garage sale is too difficult for you to see through alone. Don't assign blame, just validate in the empathy part and then state your truth. Short and to the point.

Do you feel up for cancelling the garage sale?

Do you feel safe in doing so?

[wishfulthinking]

I think it'll cause a huge fight if I cancel it.  He just doesn't care.  He really is stressed, his work is hectic, one of his jobs is not going well because of the employees, his D15 won't talk to him, he has his pill issue, he is fully aware he contributes no money and it does make him feel bad, but not bad enough to start, empty promises there time after time.  So, by him being stressed by things most of us can deal with and still be human, he can't and it'll all come down on me... . can you, please maybe help me with a SET because I'm not coming up with a safe one... . ? 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Okay, so let's work on this:

support: I know you have a lot going on right now taking care of your job and all of us (or something else where you show support and concern)

empathy: and you seem stressed (true awareness and validation of his feelings)

truth: I want to help. Unfortunately, with my heart problems I won't be able to do the garage sale. Let's do it another time which is better for us both

This is just one idea. It should be something that rings true to you.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Well, between now and the sale, when he's off work he can help.  He can help gather stuff, label stuff, load up the car/truck that will take the stuff to the location.

Are you allowed to bring anything earlier than that day?  If so, then see if you can set up anything the night before with H's help.

Frankly, if he makes excuses as to why he can't help you over the next couple of days, he's not going to be on firm ground.  For every excuse he has, you could have the same.

Why are you the only one bringing money into the home?  if he has to work on Saturday, is that for pay?


It seems (to me) that he's all for YOU earning more money for the household that he enjoys, but he's not willing to do his share. 

What do you get out of this relationship?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Well, between now and the sale, when he's off work he can help.  He can help gather stuff, label stuff, load up the car/truck that will take the stuff to the location.

Are you allowed to bring anything earlier than that day?  If so, then see if you can set up anything the night before with H's help.

Frankly, if he makes excuses as to why he can't help you over the next couple of days, he's not going to be on firm ground.  For every excuse he has, you could have the same.

Why are you the only one bringing money into the home?  if he has to work on Saturday, is that for pay?


It seems (to me) that he's all for YOU earning more money for the household that he enjoys, but he's not willing to do his share. 

What do you get out of this relationship?



P.S.   You just have to "earn" that $20 back.  Bring just enough stuff to get that amount back (a few best items that will sell) and maybe a few more... . and then you'll get your $20 and some pocket change.

You don't have to do the "big sale".  if H complains, just say you did the best you could since you were alone and have a heart condition.


Also... . find out if they are needing more spaces at this sale.  Maybe they've sold all their spaces and someone would buy your space?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yes, just taking enough to get your $20 back is an idea. If you're not feeling up to cancelling.

Then you could change the truth-part to:

Unfortunately with my heart problems it's not possible to do a big garage sale alone. So I will take some items that might cover the $20 expenses. Let's do a bigger one another time when it's a better time for both of us.

[wishfulthinking]

The garage sale thing is in the basement area of a building but it's not enclosed, so we can't set up the night before.  It's not in a great part of town, either.  He was supposed to line up the tables from his church, of which I do not consider myself a member yet and he hasn't been very frequent there himself.  As of yesterday, he still "was waiting for a call back" from the lady that loans the tables... . At this point, I'm hoping he doesn't get them because then it's on him, and this morning I even reminded him about the tables and offered to call the lady myself (I knew he'd say no, but that covers me on that part) and he said he'd do it.

He works, he has a construction company, but it's not a big one.  He gets enough work to do one job then start another, right now he is doing well and has 3 going at one time and a crew working for him.  It was slow when I met him, but of course summer picks back up.  He blows his money and then I end up with the bills because I pay my bills.  His truck is ready to be repo'd anytime, I don't pay his bills.  BUT, his presence and his 2 kids half the month ramp the bills up because he likes it cold, so the electric is higher, the water and sewer almost doubled, plus food... . I was getting by on my own just me and my D9, but add 3 people and I can't do it on my own.  That extra 200 on bills plus food I just can't do... .

Honestly, I'm trying to figure out lately what I get.  He is very sweet and kind when he is in a regular mood.  Very romantic and smart and funny.  But that is less frequent anymore as he hates me more and more... . it seems.

[wishfulthinking]

... . and I don't mean to whine about my heart issue.  Generally, I'm fine and do quite well.  I can even walk a mile in 15 min without being very out of breath... . but the lifting or strenuous exercise, I'm supposed to avoid. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Then maybe you should avoid it.

What's holding you back from not doing the garage sale?

Do you feel you should do it not to lose the money?

Or because you've booked it so now it's expected?

Or because you're scared he'll blow up?

Or something else?

It could be worthwhile to explore that a little

PS

And I don't think you whine about your heart issue. It's a serious thing.

[wishfulthinking]

It's 2 things... . we need the money and he'll blow up.

[123Phoebe]

I think I'd be inclined to eat the $20 and chalk it up as a lesson to myself-- he wants to do a garage sale, next time he can fork over $ for the space rental.

As of yesterday, he still "was waiting for a call back" from the lady that loans the tables... . At this point, I'm hoping he doesn't get them because then it's on him, and this morning I even reminded him about the tables and offered to call the lady myself (I knew he'd say no, but that covers me on that part) and he said he'd do it.

 

And I wouldn't offer to make phone calls for tables that I can't physically lift and set up on the day of the sale   No matter what I assumed his answer would be.

It's sending a mixed message that you're all for this garage sale and it's totally okay that he's blowing you off, not going to be there.  When you're obviously not okay with this situation.

I'm not trying to come down hard on you, it's just that we sometimes contribute to our own misery and conflict.

It's important that we say what we mean and mean what we say to be taken seriously.  These relationships will teach us that lesson.  And it's a good one!

[wishfulthinking]

The reason I offered to make the phone call is because if I didn't and the tables don't come through, I'll be blamed for not taking care of it because he is soo busy.  Since I knew he wouldn't let me, I figured I'd do the fake offer because now it's all on him, I have no responsibility here... . if I hadn't have at least offered, he'd have found a way to tell me I should have offered or asked or reminded him or blah blah blah... . I'm about to post another question just on a general topic... . to compare... . .

[SadWifeofBPD]

Since I knew he wouldn't let me, I figured I'd do the fake offer because now it's all on him, I have no responsibility here

I understand that.  I'd do the same.  You have to ask, otherwise later on, they'll yell at you for not offering to help them. 


I would separate.  Live in my own place with my D and pay for only MY expenses.  Let him support himself and his kids on his income. 

You're enabling his poor spending habits and it's just going to get worse. 

Can you select about 10-20 items that you could sell that would get back your $20 and maybe make a little profit? 

[123Phoebe]

The reason I offered to make the phone call is because if I didn't and the tables don't come through, I'll be blamed for not taking care of it because he is soo busy.  Since I knew he wouldn't let me, I figured I'd do the fake offer because now it's all on him, I have no responsibility here... . if I hadn't have at least offered, he'd have found a way to tell me I should have offered or asked or reminded him or blah blah blah... . I'm about to post another question just on a general topic... . to compare... . .

You didn't have any responsibility to it anyway.  :)o you see that?  It doesn't matter if he blamed you later.  If he wants to blame you later for something, he'll find something to blame you for.

It's up to you to not accept the blame, whether it be mentally not letting it bother you or physically removing yourself from his tirade.

What you've been doing doesn't seem to be working for either one of you.  Are you happy and living a less stressful life?  It's up to you to make that happen! He cannot be counted on to help you get to that peaceful place within yourself.

Please take the time to read the LESSONS --------------------------------------->

There is so much good information to defuse a lot of these conflicts right at your fingertips. 

[wishfulthinking]

123Phoebe, I'm reading the lessons and everything I can get my eyes on.  Just putting things into practice to make habits takes time, so I'm not good at all this stuff yet.  I'm sorry to be such a pain, just trying to make things smoother (which using validation and SET when I can do it in a pinch has helped a LOT) until I can master all the tools.  He's quite the handful and it's a constant learning experience.  Again, just wish I'd have known before marriage.  I've only figured the BPD thing in the past... . I don't know... . month? So, it's still new. I bought the book SWOE, but I have to read it on lunch breaks and I only get half an hour, so it's slow going... . at this moment, the less ammo I can give him, the better.  He's mad at his daughter and since she refuses to come over, he jumps at the chance to release his anger on me for ANYTHING.  I haven't given him much of a chance with all the validating, though... . that has helped immensely!

[wishfulthinking]

Sadwife,

It's you I've chatted with about the list of things he gives me and it shifts the blame off of him and onto me, correct?  That's why I know better than to not offer on the phone call.  Less ammo for him to use to target me.

I'll try to take as little as possible and see what happens.  I'm just so frustrated.

Any recommendation on how to get some time with my D9?  I miss her and I really wanted our time yesterday.  I thought I'd get a break with her last night after her open house as he went to his friend's house, but he texted me the WHOLE TIME!  I took 20 min to not respond to a stupid question of his and he freaked out.  Good Lord, I just want some peace sometimes!  I hate that I love him so much.

[SadWifeofBPD]

It's you I've chatted with about the list of things he gives me and it shifts the blame off of him and onto me, correct?  That's why I know better than to not offer on the phone call.  Less ammo for him to use to target me.

I understand.  I would have done the same.  Altho we can't avoid all the things that they miight blame us for, if there are some thing that can be avoided with a simple question, then I don't see why that's wrong. 

If you ask, and they say, "no" and they don't follow thru, they have to blame themselves.  And, they need to blame themselves sometimes. 

As for the list he writes up, are you writing comments on them?  Such as:  Will do as soon as I have $XX to pay for it?    or Hope to get this done on Monday, if I'm given money for it.

As for your D... . she lives with you, right?   What are evenings like in your home?  Are all 3 of you there?  Can you say, "hey, Susie and I are going to work on some different hair styles this evening in the bathroom."  or... . something like that?    Or... . Susie needs some pants hemmed, so we'll be in her room while she tries on some clothes for me to pin.    Or... . Susie needs me to quiz her for an upcoming test, so we'll be in her room.   Or... . Susie and I are going to be baking cookies tonight (hey, bake some cookies, put them in some baggies, and sell them at your garage sale.  )

[wishfulthinking]

The list thing... . It hasn't changed so yes, there is a "money needed" on the newpaper and the t-shirts... . no comment from him.  I still am supposed to remind him of the habitat store and the chairs he wants picked up... . I haven't mentioned the pay items since I wrote that on the list.

Yes, my D is mine full time, her dad grabs her at his convenience an hour here or an overnight there... .   I get home and am supposed to do nothing except sit by him and talk to him about his day.  After that, I'm allowed to make dinner and clean up.  Then, it's time for showers and getting kids for bed.  If I try to start things early or have something else to do, all I get is a rage about how I never show him I love him... . again... . still learning.  He's been working later the past few evenings last week, so that was nice and I did spend some time with her just chilling and talking.  He's very high maintenance.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Learning's good 

So, where do you stand finally on the garage sale?

Do you think you would like to communicate something to him about it using SET?