Vestigial feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

The day is near end. The time when people settle in for the evening with their loved ones or get ready for an evening of dining or cocktails. I miss her. I miss cooking for us on the grill. I miss smelling her perfume after she steps out of the shower and gets ready for a night out with me. I miss holding her hand as we walk into a restaurant. I miss kissing her and telling her how much I love her. I miss making love with her and holding her in my arms.It was like this. It wasn't all bad. Seriously. It wasn't.

[Perfidy]

The day is near end. The time when people settle in for the evening with their loved ones or get ready for an evening of dining or cocktails. I miss her. I miss cooking for us on the grill. I miss smelling her perfume after she steps out of the shower and gets ready for a night out with me. I miss holding her hand as we walk into a restaurant. I miss kissing her and telling her how much I love her. I miss making love with her and holding her in my arms.It was like this. It wasn't all bad. Seriously. It wasn't.

[cska]

Brother, I know what you mean. The good times were so good I felt like I was taken up to heaven.

But the bitter (and painful) truth is that if you add even a teaspoon of poison into a barrel of water, the entire water supply becomes undrinkable. Even though technically there are some parts of the barrel which do not contain the poison.

I know how you feel. Just 2 days ago I missed my ex so bad I thought I was going to go mad.

[Perfidy]

CSKA this is the hardest part right here. Where I'm at in detachment. Letting go completely. I have to accept that it will never be this way again. All of the years together. All of my memories. The dreams we both had. All of the experiences. It's easier for me if I think of her as having passed away. In a way the person I knew did die. She died with the dream. Sounds messed up as poison as it turned out to be for me but in one way or another I will always miss her.

[Notthesame64]

Man, I wish somebody would of missed me like that... .  

[seeking balance]

Sunday afternoon and evenings were my worst.

You know what I did?  Created a new normal.  Now, Sundays my best friend and I cook out and watch bad TV.  It is not the same, but in some ways it is better.

It's ok to miss the good.  It wasn't all bad, but that doesn't change the facts.  Hang in there, you will have a new normal that feels good again.

Peace,

SB

[cska]

Oh man, If only I knew how to detach... How to let go of the memories of the times we shared...

My misery and pain is cyclic. I'll feel very good for a few days, and I'll get the impression that I'm detaching, and than BAM, the emotions fill me up and drag me to my knees. The most recent episode was the worst to date.

What helped me greatly was that I realized that I do NOT have an example of what a good relationship is. I put so much effort on planning a future with my ex that I forgot what a good future should, in theory, hold.

What has helped me was watching movies in which a character had a devoted wife/girlfriend. I look at these characters who are dedicated, supportive, and kind to the men in their lives, and I think to myself "This is what I need. I need a girl who will be by my side, who will be kind and loyal to me. I don't need someone who abuses me. I deserve better." Don't laugh; watching movies with characters like these has really lifted me out of depression. And I'm not talking about shallow bull___ movies, I'm talking about movies with good character development.

Also, I found a list online, which talks about 10 traits of a good girlfriend. Its a common sense list, but somehow I lose all common sense when I start to miss my ex. So I read that list to remind myself of what I really need in a gf. I read this list every day. Here is the link:

www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_top_ten_60/74_dating_list.html

(My ex satisfies only 2 traits out of 10, she was beautiful and sexual, and I can find that with anyone. I won't be with someone just because they are good in bed, I want them to be kind to me everywhere, not just in the sack. And I've learned that beauty really is skin deep. Whats the point that she looks good if she abuses me?)

(Again, don't laugh, its silly, but it helps me!)

[cska]

Btw, evenings are also the worst for me.

[cska]

Man, I wish somebody would of missed me like that... .  

Seriously!

[Perfidy]

Yes I hear ya CSKA... . Change is tough and a person has to be willing to do that which they have never done before. I once heard someone say boring is good. I know what you mean about the not knowing any better thing.

 

I was talking to a lady friend on the phone last night. She is a great person. She kind of supports me through this crap I'm going through in my mind right now. She asked me if I had ever been with someone that treated me nice ALL of the time. Thought she was kidding at first. She wasn't.

[clover528]

Man, I wish somebody would of missed me like that... .  

AGREED  :'(

[Notthesame64]

This is what I need. I need a girl who will be by my side, who will be kind and loyal to me

Not to toot my own horn CAKA, but that is what I tried to be for mine... . isn't it funny how that works... A loving and loyal women who got stuck with crazy every time!  I seriously need to step back and think about my own wiring... no more men until I figure out why my pickets broken!  

[Notthesame64]

Oops spell check ... . meant to type cska

[Notthesame64]

Pickers... . pickers broken...

No wonder nobody replies... . my spell check changes all my words ... . Dang IPad!

[Perfidy]

Weak... That's all... I'm just weak. This is so strange to me. It's surreal.

[sadinnc98]

I feel the same way. I miss my "Good Morning Angel" text, the sweet texts during the day, how he would hold my hand all of the time, touch my leg in the car, kiss the back of my shoulder, drinking coffee together and talking for hours, making fun bets on football games, and I can go on and on and on... . I am so broken and sad and miss him so badly... and knowing he has been on a dating site, its like twisting the knife... .

[Learning_curve74]

Let's be honest, aren't all these things that we miss things that we miss after any breakup, BPD or not? There was a certain intensity in the idealisation phase that maybe I never experienced before, but it's the normal loving things we seem to be reminiscing about here: holding hands, kissing, just being together.

One of my best friends used to tell me that he never believed in "the one" because there are billions of people alive, so the odds are we must be compatible with more than just one person!

I've been devastated by breakups before my most recent breakup with BPD gf. I got better and I believe that I will again. I hope everybody here feels that way eventually too!

[Perfidy]

Learning curve the whole ball of wax was intense. The pain WAS so intense that I didn't think it would ever stop. It has been less lately. I still want to cry. I still do cry. It is getting better. This did not happen until I got with everyone here and started looking at my self more instead of her. It really helped me accept it more. I know that I am not in complete acceptance because I still desire to be with her. I want to call her and just make a complete idiot out of my self. Yes I still hurt. This is one bridge that I must burn. It hurts me so unbelievably. I think you and I both know that I need more self reflection and understanding that it is my desire that has to leave. Only then will my suffering end. A small part of me has to die. Not all of me... Just a small part.

[Juliecelle]

What a positively heart-breaking thread. I feel the pain coming right through my screen.

I own my fair share of pain too. I wish I wasn't sitting alone in OUR bed. I wish he were "normal" sitting next to me sharing this Ipad while cuddling, watching videos or short documentaries etc.

Instead, I sit here reading about the pain my husband and others inflict on the very people that would give almost anything to remove the burden of borderline from their loved ones.

My happiest fantasies, hopes and dreams involve him! I'm right here! So willing to see him through the healing. He's been diagnosed. But, alas, denial and projection have won. There was so much more available to him.

My heart hurts for all of us. Sigh.

[VeryFree]

It's a good thing to remember the better parts of your r/s.

Remember that it wasn't all bad. Grieve about the loss of that part. Open up for your pain and let it flow away in time... .

Work on healing and after some time you will find someone that brings the good times back in your life, without the misery our BPD's cause(d) us.