Why in the world did I feed into her antics

[educator]

So... . I used to post on here a great deal.  Short back story is that my husband has been NC with his uBPDm since January 2012.  She went NC with us because we set boundaries.

Well... . flash forward... . she's contacted us on and off with things like nasty texts, post cards and recently a couple of cards for our kids birthdays.  We have stayed silent the entire time... . ignoring all contact she made.  We just got back from a visit to family today and lo and behold, there was a box of items my husband gave his mom as gifts as well as his baby pictures.  Along with that, there were cut up pictures.  My MIL actually cut my husband and myself out of pictures and returned those to us 

My DD8 saw the cut up pictures and started crying.  I was operating on no sleep and just lost it and sent both my MIL and enFIL a text asking them to please stop contact because our DD8 was in tears due to the cut up pictures. 

The response?  It was my fault and that she no longer wanted to store my things.  They were his freaking baby pictures and things he gave to her!    I was called all sorts of names, a liar, a mental case, etc.  I was told I destroyed their family, that I refused to take responsibility, that I was evil, that I stole from them.  I was accussed of taking money from them they sent for swim lessons for DD8 and using it for myself, even though we enrolled my DD8 in swim lessons the day we go the check.  Then I was told to cease all communication.  . 

Ummmm... . they are the ones contacting us.  I hadn't spoken or seen the witch in nearly 2 blissful years.  I wish I hadn't fed into her insanity and contacted her, but it really made me realize that there will never be a reconciliation on my part.  DH can do what he wants (at this point, he's totally done with her, but you never know).  My DD8 even said she wants nothing to do with her. 

The oddest thing?  enFIL thinks it was totally normal to return those pictures.  If you want to cut us out... . fine... . just throw out what you cut out.  Why return it?  I have lots of pictures of her with the kids that I would never mutilate like that.  That is a really sick, sick, sick thing to do. 

[BooKat]

No doubt she dropped the mutilated pics at your door because she was hoping to push you into breaking your silence and contacting her. Very manipulative are these BPDs. Your instincts to cut all contact are correct; stick to it, even when she pushes you beyond reason.

[BlueCat]

Oh man   I totally get why you responded. I mean, I agree with you that it didn't help but I completely understand why you did it. It's hard to be strong and respond perfectly all the time.

And yeah, she was obviously going for drama or just to hurt you. Either way, she was not trying to be kind or reasonable or whatever she or anyone else says. 

[Marcia]

You know, I think it was good that you reacted. The action was so outrageous it had to be pushed back on. What a childish, stupid thing she did, after all! I think settling back into NC makes sense now, and maybe because of your very appropriate reaction, they may actually see they need to dial it back... .

Sorry for the drama you have had to endure -- it definitely isn't your fault (I think you already know that!)

[educator]

Bookat... . I totally agree with you on everything.  The funny thing was... . she kept telling me she never wanted to speak to me, hear from me again... . then kept texting and then indicated her and I needed to go to therapy together to work things out.  When I indicated that the real issue was between her and her son... . she flipped and said I was the problem    So, you never want to talk to me again, but you want to go to therapy with me, so that... . in her words... . "the truth can be told".  Ummm... . if your talking about her version... . it's like Jerry Springer!

BlueCat... . see... . I spent the last 18 months processing the situation and calming down.  I was totally ready to admit to whatever I did wrong.  She, on the other hand, spent the entire time turning it around in her head and making up lies and a new version.  It was kind of scary.

Marcia... . for me... . it was closure.  Before this all happened she sent the DD's birthday cards.  I think this was punishment for not responding to those or sending a thank you card for crappy, generic cards from a person they haven't seen in 18 months that lives 15 minutes away.  DH and I were thinking of calling her to try to work things out.  Now, we both realize, that is not even a possibility.

[Sasha026]

I don't see how you couldn't contact her! She knew what she was doing... . she knew that if she did something outrageous, it would get to you. She purposely left those cut up pictures of your family so that your daughter would see them. It sounds just like my mother - doing that... . jeez what a witch.

She did it because she knew that you were having two blissfully silent years of peace but at the same time she was viciously angry, stewing and thinking of a way to get to you. They do that, you know. She couldn't hurt you in person, so she would find a way to provoke you into responding. I guess the poison just boiled out of her and she had to do something to release it. She wanted to show you that she's cutting your family right out of her world. Remember the scene in Mommie Dearest? "If they don't like you, they make you disappear". It's a very juvenile action.

I remember those days and I'm so glad they are over for me... . but you still have to deal with it.

When you're into this FOG, it's almost impossible to function with the "Sword of Damocles" hanging over your head. You know she's out there and any minute she could attack. You have to find a way to live your life in peace without her poison ruining your life. I don't know how to do that because when I was in your situation, I never could. All I did was react, react, react which made me a nervous wreck, so I know how you feel.

I remember your story and you are not wrong - she's nuts and wants to drive everyone else nuts as well. Do you have a therapist or someone you could talk to? Just talking with people who understand BPD helps. Try not to engage her (I know it's hard), but just think of it like this - if Jeffrey Dahmer left stuff on your porch, would you call him? He's just as dangerous (or was - he's dead).

That FIL? What a stupid thing to say. He's a "write-off". Don't pay any attention to him or his ramblings.

Hugs.    

[educator]

Thanks Sasha... . I wish that we could see our T, but she left the practice and my insurance only covers three visits.  I am trying to see if I can see someone else, but my employer is in works to make a deal with the mental health place again, so we'll see. 

I just feel like everything is blowing up.  DH is super depressed and life is just not fun in our house right now.

[Sasha026]

Well... . she did a good job! She set out to destroy her son and you (and your daughter) and she did just what she wanted to do! Nice lady!

Educator - you cannot let the actions of this woman to do this to your family. Have you shown your husband Christina Lawson's book on "the witch BPD mother"? That is her to a tee. She wants to annihilate him! He and you have deigned to be disloyal and that means that all of you must be destroyed! She is a witch! A vicious witch in a venomous rage.

If I could only give you my peace since my mother died. No more melodramas, no more screaming, no more manipulation - it's pure bliss. I'm telling you, I could never go back. Just the thought of having to deal with her again makes me nauseous.

If you don't have a therapist or someone to talk to do the next best thing - post, post, post. Talk to us. We are here for you. I'll check in more. You need to get this off your chest before you and your husband get sick. My mother was so bad that I walked around with this pain in my gut. The knot turned into an ulcer, then - diverticulitis, then that part of my bowel exploded and I almost died. Don't do that because your family needs you. These women don't care how their actions effect you. As a matter of fact, that is their goal - to hurt you. She is so filled with rage that she needs to spit her poison rage all over everyone. There is no controlling the witch when she is in a rage.

I hope she leaves you alone. I really do. This - you need help with.

 

Sasha