Feeling Stuck

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So where I am at:  5 months out of r/s with uNPD?BPD?ASPD? ex, seeing a therapist.  I have learned why I stayed in the r/s, a cocktail of things: some from my FOO and some from trauma from the death of my husband.  Right now I feel stuck, like I am not getting any better or worse really and just kind of living on auto pilot and very "blah". I still feel like I can't trust anyone.  And I still have my ex on my mind almost constantly but it's more in the background, like that scrolling news line that is on the bottom of the TV. 

I wanted to see if anyone else went through this stage but I am also thinking it may be time to find a new therapist?  I feel like am not getting that much out of my sessions.  Maybe find one that had more experience with personality disorders and PTSD?  My T now was more or less assigned to me from work as they have a program where they offer free sessions.  Her specialty is actually marriage counseling.  But I found out today that my insurance covers mental health so I can go to anyone. 

Thoughts appreciated. 

[Bananas]

So where I am at:  5 months out of r/s with uNPD?BPD?ASPD? ex, seeing a therapist.  I have learned why I stayed in the r/s, a cocktail of things: some from my FOO and some from trauma from the death of my husband.  Right now I feel stuck, like I am not getting any better or worse really and just kind of living on auto pilot and very "blah". I still feel like I can't trust anyone.  And I still have my ex on my mind almost constantly but it's more in the background, like that scrolling news line that is on the bottom of the TV. 

I wanted to see if anyone else went through this stage but I am also thinking it may be time to find a new therapist?  I feel like am not getting that much out of my sessions.  Maybe find one that had more experience with personality disorders and PTSD?  My T now was more or less assigned to me from work as they have a program where they offer free sessions.  Her specialty is actually marriage counseling.  But I found out today that my insurance covers mental health so I can go to anyone. 

Thoughts appreciated. 

[Learning_curve74]

I'm not anywhere as far along as you are, only about 2 weeks out from breaking off my relationship but I have seen 3 different therapists within the last 5 months! For a short time I was actually seeing two at the same time because of some referrals I had received and figured it was an investment in myself. Or I am more messed up than most people!   

All three were very different in their approaches. I received different but important insights from each T, but one in particular was more effective to me as far as motivating me. Since I want to get the most out of therapy, it was vital to talk with a T that I could trust fully and also felt was looking out for my best interests while at the same time letting me progress at my own pace. Hope you can find one that helps you, Bananas. Good luck!

[seeking balance]

I have found growth or emotional processing comes in phases.  I remember the blah you feel, it changes as life changes.  The depression phase is a part of the grief cycle.

If I were you, I would try a new T that specialized in emotional trauma or grief... . something besides marriage counseling.  It might be a better option to digging deeper into the core wounds.

Overall, are you doing anything new or challenging in your life?

[rosannadanna]

What are your therapy goals?  You and your therapist should have developed these by your third or fourth session and they should be reviewed periodically.  If your therapist hasn't formally discussed therapy goals with you during an early session, this could be the reason you feel like changing to another therapist.  If she is really a one trick pony with the marriage counseling, it could be that she is not that proficient in other interventions used for individual therapy, such as CBT, psychodynamic work, or trauma work. You may be getting sort of an unstructured, no end result kind of therapy, which is adding to your feeling of stuckness.

Shoot, I wish my health insurance still covered therapy like yours does.  I am settling on doing it on myself for right now   You have the luxury of finding a really good therapist.  Lucky!

[Cumulus]

Hi bananas, your post touched me, I felt much the same way you did at that time. I am now close to two and a half years out. I am still learning and appreciating new thoughts and ideas that help me overcome the trauma that I lived through. As Seeking Balance mentioned healing came in stages. It felt like each awareness  had to be fully revealed and understood before a new piece could be fit into the healing of myself. Some of the thoughts could take a long while to be processed and at such times it did feel like I was stagnant. But then several would come quickly and I felt like I was making great mental and emotional strides toward whole ness. The worst would be if I thought I had overcome a hurt or insult to myself but would then find my thoughts returning to dig at it again.

As I look back I see the progression of my needing to understand and make sense of what happened. I first concentrated on him, what had he done, why had he done it and what was wrong with him. Then I moved into the relationship aspect, what was true in the relationship, anything? I sorted through memories, finding it easier to deal with the bad memories than the good, at least I felt the bad memories were real. I wasn't sure about the good. The I looked at myself in respect to the relationship, why had I stayed, what needs had it met, how could I have been so stupid to miss so many things that were so wrong. Finally, I came to a place where I could put my xBPDh and our relationship to rest. It became about me. Who am I, what are my goals, my strengths, my weaknesses. What do I want out of life, what do I want to take, what do I want to give.

Where I am now is believing that life is a wonderful gift. I have lost much but I have many life stories and that is what I believe is important in my life. Gathering relationships and making memories and stories. Some of the stories are sad and I am blessed to have someone to share those stories with as well as the many happy stories I own. No more brick walls around the memories of my life. I have removed the bricks.

That is what this last two plus years have meant to me. I have grown in ways that I had not thought possible but it takes time. One of the gifts I received from this is the gift of patience. This is amazing considering I was always the person to who people would say, Don't hurry through life, take time to enjoy it. I have finally found the understanding in those words.

All the best bananas. Often when we think there is stagnation we are just on the precipice of great understandings

[Free One]

I have found growth or emotional processing comes in phases.  I remember the blah you feel, it changes as life changes.  The depression phase is a part of the grief cycle.

If I were you, I would try a new T that specialized in emotional trauma or grief... . something besides marriage counseling.  It might be a better option to digging deeper into the core wounds.

I agree with all this.

[Bananas]

Thank you all for your replies!

Cumulus, thank you so much for sharing, you have given me hope.  Hope is worth everything when you feel stuck, just knowing so you were there and got through it.  I was feeling like I was going to be stuck forever.  Truly an awful feeling. 

and rosannandanna, thank you for the therapy advice.  my T was pretty at getting me to find out why i stayed but doesn't seem to know what the next step is.  the more i think about it, i think it is this board that was driving my therapy session rather than my T.  she never discussed goals with me. 

sb, i am not really doing anything new.  i think i need to explore that more.  i have stopped doing a lot of things i used to do that i need to work on getting back into.  i have always had a pretty full life.  in the beginning it is what my ex liked about me.  in the end it is one of the things that became a problem. 

so off to do some serious T shopping this week!  thank you family!   

[fromheeltoheal]

I have found growth or emotional processing comes in phases.  I remember the blah you feel, it changes as life changes.  The depression phase is a part of the grief cycle.

Overall, are you doing anything new or challenging in your life?

Yes.  I'm about a year out, and we've all seen the stages of grief as they apply to death, and I learned here that they apply to the death of a relationship and the recovery from trauma too.  I spent several months very, very angry, which was exhausting, but I had to go through it, and as that has waned I too have entered the blahs, and my focus is now almost exclusively on me and my healing, and I rarely think about her or the relationship anymore.

And other thoughts I'm having more frequently are focusing on the future, looking forward not back, with my slightly older, slightly more wrinkled self, ready to build a new life using in part newfound wisdom instilled through pain.  There's a time to ruminate and ponder and dig and heal, and there's a time to realize everything I need to thrive I already have, the future is as bright as I make it, and I've got dreams to realize.

[Scout99]

Hi Bananas!

I get hopeful when I read about your experience with your therapy! It seems to me that you are making a lot of progress, girl!  

Actually... . if the goal with therapy is personal growth and not just short term pain relief, then getting to the stage of feeling blah - like you so accurately put it is a sign of accomplishment! Of beginning to get somewhere!

The thing is, something many of us here seem to have in common, and somewhat also in common with our PD loved ones, is that we too tend to put a little bit too much emphasis on our feelings... . And equals feeling good emotionally with being happy and/or alive.

That is however a little bit warped thinking... . And if we can only be happy or "alive" if we are on an emotional high, or if we can only appreciate an emotional high if there are incredible lows too attached to it, then that quickly decreases the possibility for "normal" or longer lasting happy times in our lives with a lot!  

Because of that therapy often sets off to try to break that somewhat unrealistic view about happiness having to involve intense feelings. And in the process of doing so part of what you work on in therapy is learning how to get comfortable and in time also find happiness and feeling ok also in the "blah" times of life... . In short. The point or therapy is to learn how to remain stable and and feel ok also when circumstances are not filled with either fireworks nor purgatorian h*ll... . That is to become a little bit more balanced... . That is sort of the half way there point on the way to true personal growth and maturity.

The goal in the end is to learn how to find happiness and learn how to "live in an alive way" within that realm of being balanced. But to get there we must first get rid of the old patterns and then learn how to accept the balanced "blah stage". There really is no way around it... .

Being in that stage in the beginning often makes us feel like we only exist or blah or like there is just no fun anymore... . But give it some time and you will see, that your feelings will begin to adjust and once they begin to do so you will suddenly start opening up to new and different ways to appreciate life through, and will discover that there is a lot more to being happy and alive than you are used to, through just feeling it in an intense emotional way... .

So hang in there girl!   Things will get better! And having gotten to this point in your therapy is really good! I know because I have been exactly where you are, and didn't believe it was helping either... . But now I know it did, and the suffering I went through by learning to remain in that zone of discomfort, has payed off in more ways I can think of today!

Best Wishes

Scout99