It's not just the dysregulation that concerns me

[maxsterling]

Its one thing for her to get out of control when there is an obvious stressful situation. 

It concerns me more when it is a very minor stressful situation that triggers the dysregulation. 

But what REALLY concerns me is when she gets dysregulated over nothing.  I'm talking about things that cannot in any way be considered stressful.  Or things that may be considered positive.

She lost control and started self harming when I was assembling a bookshelf.  The fact that it was not assembled caused her stress (?), and the act of me assembling it also caused her stress (?).  I just don't understand.  You would think if the unassembled bookshelf make her stress out, that me assembling it should have eased that stress.

She has freaked out because I was cleaning, because I had a bad dream, because she got APPROVED for a car loan, and because I was talking about my mom.

These are the times I worry about - they seem so unpredictable and unavoidable.

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[megocean]

We all can get a bit dysregulated when things are really bad. It's the emotional instability/lability that characterizes BPD, right? Also, sometimes during a bad period, everything will dysregulate a pwBPD. Is something going on with her now that is affecting everything? Also, it sounds to me like she may suffering from a more general anxiety, if these situations are par for the course.

Of course this can be so stressful for the non. My bf once freaked because I bought too large a size of laundry detergent. All I could ever figure out about that is that it was not the size we usually got, and so the change dysregulated him. I remember a thread a while ago about all minor, ridiculous things our pwBPDs started fights about. It was hilarious. You have to love them---LITERALLY, or you'd go mad!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Maxsterling,

It might help you to keep in mind that trying to figure out why is applying logic to an illogical and irrational behaviour. Dysregulation is not logic, logic doesn't even come into play. It's all emotions, coursing through her, that are hard for her to control. She might not even know why she feels the way she feels, but she "needs" an outlet (as long as she hasn't learned more healthy coping mechanisms) and goes into dysregulation and puts blame where it doesn't belong.

It could be small details, even positive things for us, as you say, that set off a dysregulation. She sees the world differently than you. It's still a surprise to me, after 3 years, some of the things that can dysregulate my dBPDbf. But it is what it is, and I've learned coping strategies to live quite happily with it.

What do you think you could do so that it will be less worrying for you?

[Chosen]

2nd Scarlet Phoenix's observations: there is nothing logical about dysregulation.  I completely understand how frustrating it can be, when it seems like they are annoyed at nothing at all.  But actually there's always "something", no matter how small.  It could be that they have a bad dream and they wake up feeling a bit bad, then they feel the need to blame you about it.  But it is not our job to make sure nothing triggers them- in fact, life in itself is a very triggering thing    We can only help them live in parallel with these triggering things by setting boundaries on how they can release their steam and how they can't.

It also helps remembering that due to their black and white thinking, there is no big/ little problem.  Every problem they encounter is HUGE.

[waverider]

Dysregulation is an emotional overload. Having chaotic feelings without fully understanding them is effectively a trigger. In other words she probably doesn't even understand and the issue of the moment is the final straw, the deeper emotion comes from elsewhere.

It rarely is just about the issue at hand, that is usually just an excuse or projection. As others have said dont try to analyse it with logic. It just is, and represents emotional overload