BPDs and Jealousy double-standard

[babushka]

I don't think I ever did anything to make my uBPD ex jealous on purpose during the relationship and post-break-up(s) where we were still communicating. After learning about BPD that last couple of weeks, I see that they can sometimes view very simple harmless things as things to make them jealous.

He would often talk about ex-girlfriends or girls he was "just friends" with in a way I knew was to manipulate me and make me jealous. The current friends he would call just to tell me that particular girl texted. I think i mentioned an ex twice and was severely painted black both times.

Anyone experience this?

[willtimeheal]

I had a friend bring me a soda from McDonald's... . apparently that meant I wanted to have sex with them according to my ex BPD. Also if anyone text messaged me that meant we were having sex or I secretly was hoping to have sex with that person. No matter who I talked to or whoever text or called me ... . she was always jealous and thought I was cheating. Funny thing is after four years together she is the one who was cheating!  She used to tel me she would never cheat because her ex cheated on her so she knew how it felt and she would never do that to someone else... . Funny how that works out.

[Octoberfest]

My experience was much the same as WillTimeHeal.  Every conversation with another girl that I had, just in passing, was met with death glares.  About from the middle of the relationship on I got more and more suspicious of my BPDex as I found her cheating more and more.  I started demanding to see her phone.  A few times she grabbed mine and started to go through the text messages with wide eyes, looking for something, anything to latch onto.  She found nothing because there was nothing.  I didn't text other girls.  Meanwhile she was carrying on all day conversations with 3-4 other dudes that she gave her number to in class or other places.  I was constantly told by her that girls were flirting with me or into me, and when I said "really? I didn't think so?" she would ask if I were really that blind.  And yes, the entire time, she was cheating, start to finish of our 9 month relationship.  Like dating 3 guys in 3 cities cheating.  There was ALWAYS another person in play.

I think it may be helpful for those here to read up on projection:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

in effect, our BPD partners often attribute THEIR negative behaviors and thoughts to US.  My BPDex constantly accused me of cheating because she herself was cheating. I'm sure it was a mix of things, including the fact that many of the people she has chosen to be in relationships prior have cheated on her or abused her, physically or sexually.  I'm sure even without BPD, one would be skeptical that a new partner would not do the same.  That is a hurdle I think I may face, learning to not let my BPDex's actions make me automatically not trust another girl.

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh yes.  Mine was crazy jealous.  And I never gave him any reason to be.  But he talked about his xGF's all the time.  ALL the time.  But if I brought up my xHB or an old BF he would be extremely  irritated and sometimes enraged.  I learned pretty quickly not to do that.  And i'd listen to yet one more story about him and one of my predecessors and think OMG, if I were telling this story he'd go nuts.  

[mitchell16]

yes mine was irrational jealous. If I was talking with female coworker, I was having ab affair, if was able to proven that wasnt true then it became I was having an emotional affair. Old friend from high school texted and I responded I was cheating or wnating to cheat or trying to make her jealous according to her. I had to show her my text messege between me and female co worker, had to go throughmy fb and explain my connection to any female. She broke up with me and I started dating after about 5 weeks, I was a cheater. She did the same and when I pointed it out her excuse was that she was just doing it to get over me. NO matter what always a double standard and extreme jealous.

[frustrated b/f]

I was always anxious whenever my phone rang or received a text. I can't tell you enough how much I hate that feeling where you did nothing wrong, but hoping to God it doesn't appear so (to her).

I began dating my uBPD g/f while she was still married and I suspected her suspicions were just her own projections. If I asked her right now if she thought I was faithful she would NEVER say yes even if she believed it.

I would think to myself, (and express to her) if you would put just a fraction of the effort you expend trying to catch me cheating into our relationship we might be ok. 

[WXYZ]

I think it may be helpful for those here to read up on projection:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

in effect, our BPD partners often attribute THEIR negative behaviors and thoughts to US.  My BPDex constantly accused me of cheating because she herself was cheating.

This is the conclusion I came to as well. It was an idea (projection) that I had come to realise prior to my

very nasty exBPD experience but had not crystallised completely in my mind yet.  

In retrospect, it is now very CLEAR - a very harsh but necessary lesson in my opinion. Just another   to add to

the list and be aware of and that will surely serve me well in the future.

Much luv to you all  

[MammaMia]

Don't forget the fear factor.  Abandonment. 

Abandonment issues probably fuel many of their relationship insecurities.  PwBPD need constant reassurance you will stay with them and they live in perpetual fear of being left.

[Jep]

Wow there was def a double standard here in my r/s. I never had a FB account because it was not worth the issues it would have caused. It would have driven her insane. However; she obsessively used social media, and was friends with all of her exes. When we were out together I would consciously ignore all women because she was constantly watching me for a reaction. If a man looked at her she would almost rub it in my face that she was attractive to other people. In nine years I did not cheat on her once, but she did. Probably several times although I know of one physical encounter.

It never made sense to me, as I never even heard of BPD until our last two years together. I didn't know she was until 2 weeks after she left me for a 44 year old loser who still lives with his parents.

I never had an understanding of projection until recently, but I did attribute her jealousy to her own guilty conscience. Which is really the same thing.

I guess what really stings is that I was a good man to her. I had a moral compass that I followed. I rationalized her wildly inappropriate behavior and remained true to her because I was professionally manipulated to do just that. Which makes me feel like a fool. But I am a fool with a good heart, and I will be a good man to a more deserving partner who is not mentally ill.

She will continue to struggle with these issues forever.  There is no happy ending for her.

Jp