Guilt

[eternity75]

He sent me a song in Spanish... . and translated to English this is what it says:

True Love Forgives


You have all the spaces

Flooding with your absence

Flooding with your silence

There are no words, there are no excuses

You have forgotten me

You don't answer the call

You don't keep your promises

You convict me to nothing

Don't bury me without forgiving

Look heart, it is the cheating

It reverses and makes damage

It bursts in the air

Like soap bubbles

How could I have hurt you

Cheating and offending you

Soulmate, I won't forget you

Even if my heart stops

Haaay! the bad feelings poison us

It hurts us

Even if you don't come back, heart

You have to forgive

True love forgives

Doesn't abandon, doesn't break

Doesn't imprison, doesn't burst

Like soap bubbles

An error is something human

It does not justify the betrayal

True lovers

Understand each other, love each other

And forget the bad feelings

The night starts the mutiny

Of broken dreams and pain

And I wallow in the bed

Clinging on nothing

Begging for your forgiveness

Look, heart, how much I miss you

Days pass, years pass

And my life bursts

Like soap bubbles

How could I have hurt you

Cheating and offending you

Soulmate, I won't forget you

Even if my heart stops

Haaay! the bad feelings poison us

It hurts us

Even if you don't come back, heart

You have to forgive

True love forgives

It does not abandon, It does not break

It does not imprison, it does not burst

Like soap bubbles

True love forgives

If love is true, it does not break, doesn't abandon


He knows what gets to me. That I feel like leaving him is not forgiving him and never having loved him. How he knows this I don't know. I've never said it to him... . it's like he has an instinct about it. I have told him I won't ever forget him (he used to always say "please don't forget me" I have told him I am not abandoning him, but I cannot continue a relationship with him.

How is it turned on me to look evil, to feel bad, to feel guilty, to feel like he's saying I never loved or forgave him... . none of that is true. He was given so many chances... . and he knew what the consequences of cheating again were... . let alone seeking out prostitutes. But I am the bad one, I am the one who didn't really love, I am the one who did him wrong because I refused to stay and accept it?

There's just no way to win with someone with BPD is there? You're damned if you do, damned if you don't... . either way... . you're damned.

[goldylamont]

How is it turned on me to look evil, to feel bad, to feel guilty, to feel like he's saying I never loved or forgave him... . none of that is true. He was given so many chances... . and he knew what the consequences of cheating again were... . let alone seeking out prostitutes. But I am the bad one, I am the one who didn't really love, I am the one who did him wrong because I refused to stay and accept it?

There's just no way to win with someone with BPD is there? You're damned if you do, damned if you don't... . either way... . you're damned.

I will apologize if this is a bit direct eternity75, but reading this poem just makes me sick to my stomach. after hearing about you having to go through multiple infidelities and prostitutes? this person has no idea what forgiveness, love or abandonment is. it's almost scary reading it knowing how far from reality the words really are. most of this poem focuses on *him*, there's a couple lines acknowledging him cheating but most of it is him saying "poor me, poor me, me me me me me me me". classic BPD me me me i'm so hurt. I know this person knows you, and your weaknesses... . one of the hardest but wisest stance to take is to only judge this person by their *actions*--their words, by now, should mean very little (because they don't mean anything in regards to their behavior)

and also, you aren't damned if you don't! but i'll agree that it sure does feel like it at times  it is courageous and shows character and the birth of a stronger you that you are making the choice to leave this behind you. it's terribly hard but i think in the future you will be damn happy you left more than feeling damned  hang in there and i will too!

[WalrusGumboot]

But I am the bad one, I am the one who didn't really love, I am the one who did him wrong because I refused to stay and accept it?

You detached to get to the point where you left and you should detach from this attempt to manipulate you by looking at things in the proper perspective. This is not something he wrote. This is something he Googled and found on the internet. He read and it and thought you might just fall for it.

Is True Love self-seeking and betray the other? He promised you his heart, yet he didn't give you enough of it to keep himself from being with other women.

You have him ample time to turn from his ways and he didn't. He felt it was OK to betray you over and over. You put up with it much longer than I would have, so you should have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

[eternity75]

Thanks so much goldylamont. I know in my heart I did the best I could, I gave as much as I can, and at some point I had to stand up to for myself and my values and say I won't allow this anymore. Previously this kind of thing took me years. I guess I learned a little since then, but it doesn't make it any easier or hurt any less. I know in the long run though I will be happier for not wasting 8 years compromising my values with the wrong guy... . this time was only 8 months. I am starting to see why so many here say go NC.

I did a search online and found this song. It kind of made me laugh at how perfect a response it would be. I won't stoop so low as to send it in response... . but I'm sure there are many here who would love this:

I Forgive You

You, you've got a way of keepin' me on my toes

You got a way of thinkin' whatever you do goes

And I really don't mind cause it keepin' me amused

You treated my love to your goddamn crazy moods

And I, I, forgive you

I forgive you for the truth

I liked you better when you li-i-i-ied

And I forgive you being you

Cause you were better when you faked every smile

And now you're knocking on my front door that's what I've been living for

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

But I forgive you for your ways

Now that I've finally got away

I, I'm gonna miss watching you while you sleep

Cause that was the only time I ever found some peace

I used to believe it was me who was insane

But now I take it back cause compared to you I'm okay

And I, I, forgive you

I forgive you for the truth

I liked you better when you li-i-i-ied

And I forgive you being you

Cause you were better when you faked every smile

And now you're knocking on my front door that's what I've been living for

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

But I forgive you for your ways

Now that I've finally got away

From you, I can throw my cares away

Now I know how freedom tastes

And I thank you for the pain

Cause now I can deal with anything

I foretold the break now that I

Finally broke away from you

You, you had a way of keeping me on my toes

I forgive you for the truth

I liked you better when you li-i-i-ied

I forgive you being you

Cause you were better when you faked every smile

And now you're knocking on my front door that's what I've been living for

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

And now you're knocking on my front door that's what I've been living for

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

And now you're knocking on my front door that's what I've been living for

Excuse me while I laugh my ass off

And I forgive you for your ways

Now that I've finally got away

[eternity75]

Thanks Walrus... . oh so true. And yes I know he got it on the internet... . I don't know how he manages to find these perfect fitting songs to everything in his mind... . but he could never say any real words to express anything when we were together. The words he did say to me, I eventually realized were so rehearsed it made it easy for him to say. But ask him anything REAL and he could not answer... . he didn't talk about anything personal and certainly not about emotions... . especially negative emotions which he pretty much denied even existed within him, anger especially. Interesting though, how without his typical script he is lost for any words to say at all... . unless they are written by someone else.

I agree with you completely.

[Perfidy]

Seems like he's going way out of his way to take the time out of his day to go on the Internet and find a poem that matches your emotional stimulus. Seriously... They drag us down enough. You don't even want to give him the satisfaction of dragging you down to his level.

[Perfidy]

This is something that is original and I wrote it just a few days after my pain set in. Almost five months ago. I did not send it to her.

                PERFIDY

I looked it in the eyes and called it what it was

Deceit and trickery and it said because

It's all your fault that

I am the way I am

And you must suffer

And grow accustomed to your pain

I searched inside my self and found me again

The things I have and the people I love

All helped me to rise above

The horror and hell that I had with you

And I chose it myself but never knew

disguised as love but as deadly as sin

I accepted you and gave from within

destroyed by my own trust and respect

By giving and caring who would suspect

That kindness and compassion would bring terrible shame

Suffering and torture like skin to flame

Perfidy is your name.

[Learning_curve74]

There's just no way to win with someone with BPD is there? You're damned if you do, damned if you don't... . either way... . you're damned.

You "win" by refusing to participate any more in their crazy making dance. This was very manipulative on his part, good for you eternity for recognizing it and not rising to the bait!

It can take time for your heart to catch up to what your head already knows.

[babushka]

Guilt is powerful manipulation. Even while still in the relationship with my BPDexbf I knew he was doing it but kept falling under its spell. I was resentful but caved into the guilt trips many times. After trying to leave then trying to do no contact I would cave but it is getting easier to ignore.

One trigger for me, even after I wanted out, was I didn't want him to think I never loved him so if  he said that I never loved him, no one loved him etc I would still try to reason with him or prove it. Messed up, sick cycle.

He would text me exerpts of songs to pull the guilt strings. I started calling him out on it and he would play it off as a joke.  I am slowly coming out of the guilt cycle. I too, struggled with feeling like I abandoned him. I still feel guilty every once in awhile but I took everyone's advice on this board and started focusing on myself. One thing that really helped break the guilt cycle for me was writing down a list of all the hurtful things he said/done to me. I knew I needed to get a bit angry to remember I deserved better. I want to move on and forgive. But this list (alot of items I repressed after they happened) help me to kind of open my eyes up. He wants me to feel guilty about this and that but he sure didn't feel guilty when he did a,b,c,d... . x,y,z. BPDs do a very good job to make you forget their actions but not their words.

[goldylamont]

BPDs do a very good job to make you forget their actions but not their words.

quote of the day!