Getting hard to maintain NC 5 weeks out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't understand why at 38 days out I'm feeling the urge to contact my ex. The first few weeks weren't that hard since I was determined to heal faster. She last emailed me 4 days ago asking to talk and I still haven't but this week has been really hard to stay nc. I don't know why though. Maybe it's that she's beginning to contact me less and I'm feeling less wanted. Sometimes I think that if I could just break nc for even a small online conversation that it would put less pressure on nc. I like to ease myself out of relationships and NC feels very unnatural to me. 38 days is by far the longest I've ever gone with my ex... before it was 8 days.

[me757]

I don't understand why at 38 days out I'm feeling the urge to contact my ex. The first few weeks weren't that hard since I was determined to heal faster. She last emailed me 4 days ago asking to talk and I still haven't but this week has been really hard to stay nc. I don't know why though. Maybe it's that she's beginning to contact me less and I'm feeling less wanted. Sometimes I think that if I could just break nc for even a small online conversation that it would put less pressure on nc. I like to ease myself out of relationships and NC feels very unnatural to me. 38 days is by far the longest I've ever gone with my ex... before it was 8 days.

[Perfidy]

Contact is really pointless. Someone suggested think about it for a week then if you still feel that way do it. I know from my own experience it makes me worse. Every time.

[seeking balance]

I don't understand why at 38 days out I'm feeling the urge to contact my ex. The first few weeks weren't that hard since I was determined to heal faster. She last emailed me 4 days ago asking to talk and I still haven't but this week has been really hard to stay nc. I don't know why though. Maybe it's that she's beginning to contact me less and I'm feeling less wanted. Sometimes I think that if I could just break nc for even a small online conversation that it would put less pressure on nc. I like to ease myself out of relationships and NC feels very unnatural to me. 38 days is by far the longest I've ever gone with my ex... before it was 8 days.

Me757 - everyone feels like this for the first several months, you are not alone in wanting to contact your ex at this point.

Question for you:  you are NC for what exact reason?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Me757, What do you want to talk to her about?  Are you secretly hoping that you will get back together?  What are your expectations?  NC is not feasible for everyone, such as those of us who have children with our BPDx.  The risk is getting sucked back into the quicksand, which I suspect has happened to most of us Nons.  I did the recycle gig many times and wonder why it took me so long to get the message.  You don't want to follow my footsteps into the quagmire, my friend, believe me.  So tread very carefully and keep good boundaries -- NC or otherwise.  Lucky Jim

[me757]

I don't understand why at 38 days out I'm feeling the urge to contact my ex. The first few weeks weren't that hard since I was determined to heal faster. She last emailed me 4 days ago asking to talk and I still haven't but this week has been really hard to stay nc. I don't know why though. Maybe it's that she's beginning to contact me less and I'm feeling less wanted. Sometimes I think that if I could just break nc for even a small online conversation that it would put less pressure on nc. I like to ease myself out of relationships and NC feels very unnatural to me. 38 days is by far the longest I've ever gone with my ex... before it was 8 days.

Me757 - everyone feels like this for the first several months, you are not alone in wanting to contact your ex at this point.

Question for you:  you are NC for what exact reason?

I just felt like I needed to try harder to move on. She was engaged but still told me she missed and loved me but her actions kept moving closer to marriage. I was sick of still being messed up from this relationship and thought that NC would help. It has too but this week for some reason has been harder than the others.

[me757]

Hey Me757, What do you want to talk to her about?  Are you secretly hoping that you will get back together?  What are your expectations?  NC is not feasible for everyone, such as those of us who have children with our BPDx.  The risk is getting sucked back into the quicksand, which I suspect has happened to most of us Nons.  I did the recycle gig many times and wonder why it took me so long to get the message.  You don't want to follow my footsteps into the quagmire, my friend, believe me.  So tread very carefully and keep good boundaries -- NC or otherwise.  Lucky Jim

That's what is weird. I don't really want to get back together with her. I know how much trouble it will be. I do miss the good times though. I don't really have any long term expectations. I know she isn't good for me. I'm probably just craving the ex like I would a drug.

[seeking balance]

Question for you:  you are NC for what exact reason?

I just felt like I needed to try harder to move on. She was engaged but still told me she missed and loved me but her actions kept moving closer to marriage. I was sick of still being messed up from this relationship and thought that NC would help. It has too but this week for some reason has been harder than the others.

This week will pass... . part of moving on is enduring the pain.

So, you went NC to protect yourself from being screwed around with - that about right?

[me757]

Yeah, I was tired of being a part of her triangle. I was tired of not being emotionally available to future girls. The last thing I told her before NC was that even though she said she loved me and missed me, her actions did not match her words since she was engaged. I told her that I wasn't going to let this continue since she would eventually just disappear on an airplane this Fall and drop me anyway. My mind is over her completely... I think I'm just still going through withdrawals though.

[Perfidy]

I contacted my ex after I told her initially that I didn't want to be her friend. She was so adamant about staying friends. A boundary I set. In typical fashion I allowed this boundary to crash down. Made a fool of myself. Hurt even worse. Game playing for about a month and a half. She was using me to get to the new guy. She has no moral compass what so ever. If I was that guy I would have dumped her with a thud! EVIL!

[seeking balance]

Yeah, I was tired of being a part of her triangle. I was tired of not being emotionally available to future girls. The last thing I told her before NC was that even though she said she loved me and missed me, her actions did not match her words since she was engaged. I told her that I wasn't going to let this continue since she would eventually just disappear on an airplane this Fall and drop me anyway. My mind is over her completely... I think I'm just still going through withdrawals though.

yeah - contacting her certainly is not going to change your reason for NC, which is valid.

Withdrawals - the best thing I found - exercise... . sweat it out.  Exhaustion has a way of making us not quite care so much.

The other thing that helps get us out of "our stuff" is volunteering.  Go to a homeless shelter or animal shelter and volunteer some free labor.

It really will pass.  Hang in there!

[Gaslit]

And remember that this is a process. You may feel great one day and yucky the next. That is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. Let yourself be okay with the fact that you will have good days and bad days.

And it will go back and forth like that - until it doesn't. And then you are free!

It's really a matter of having the pain and sadness now, or having it forever if you re-engage.

And try to really think about where the pain and sadness is coming from. Is it really her? Or is she just a stand-in for it?

[me757]

I think the pain and sadness comes from not being needed and wanted as much as it used to be when we were together. I think it's from the betrayal. I became a rescuer with her and then the real pain came when I wasn't the hero anymore and someone else was. I think being the rescuer gave me more self worth than I'd ever experienced. I'm trying to gain it back but obviously a BPD can inflate it incredibly in the early stages of the relationship.

[me757]

And maybe that's why it's hard to stay NC because since I've disappeared she has texted and called me so much and it kind of seems like she wants me to be the rescuer again... maybe to save her from the marriage... who knows. But I know where all that would lead... . right back here.