Bleh

[Finallyblooming]

My mother aka Mommy Dearest: BPD covered in a gravy of Munchausen's Bi-proxy with a side of steamed bi-polar II with psychotic features. I grew accustomed and found comfort in the opportunistic clause I was told she possessed with the MBP. It was believed that she never went out and hurt anyone. However, in her old age or whatever, she is starting to "confess" things. If her confessions weren't so frightening, they would be amusing. I've kept her at arms length for many years, out of fear rather than self preservation. My son who is 15 recently had drastic surgery done and keeping her at bay was nearly impossible (I had to move back to the same state as Mommy D). But, the positive was, I found my voice. I was in mother bear mode enough to not care what punishment I would get later. I stood my ground and I had doctors backing me. It was OUTSTANDING. I never felt more free in my entire life. I had always been introverted and lived in absolute agony. My policy was avoid. There are doormats out there with my name on it, my name should be Welcome and tattooed on my forehead. She kept me pretty much in paralyzed fear, even when I was far away.

She always knew when something was going on, so she would show up. My high school graduation: she had to leave because she was too jealous (WTHeck?), she went back to her state. Leaving me feeling diminished, ashamed, guilty, humiliated, and insignificant.

My college graduation (first person in my family to graduate college WITH honors): Sitting at my party and she LOUDLY says "I have a Masters", glancing over at her with here we go again look "Oh? In what mom?" She pauses for emphasis while guests attention is directly on her "Reiki" she announces. *head bang to table, rinse, repeat* Leaving me feeling diminished, humiliated, mortified at my friends snickers and whispers of "you were adopted, right?" and insignificant.

My second daughter's birth: Military didn't allow her in, she had to stay at my house. I get home, she cooked a lovely supper (she can't cook dog food out of a can). I was so exhausted, I couldn't eat. She threw the slop in the pan at me and my newborn and left back to her state. Leaving me feeling ungrateful, guilty, horrified, terrified, abandoned, unloved, and useless.

I hold no stock in her, no trust, no love, no respect, nada. I hate the woman with ever fiber of my soul. My boss said that hate is cleansing sometimes, it's NOT fear, something besides fear! So I'm supposed to roll with it and seek positives and keep up the brave work. Freshly acquired freedom has some side affects, but I'll take them. I'm learning to turn off the battle ready mode, it's freaking me out a little. This is what life feels like without waiting for a fire breathing dragon to fly over and crisp you?

It's mind boggling to me sometimes, I look back on my life now, how did I make it through? I have no idea, CPS being what it was in the 80's that I was left in her care to rot, suffered extensive beatings from her sick son. Stood in corners while they ripped me to shreds telling me I was fat (I heard fat a lot, I actually was 97lbs from an eating disorder that occurred when forced to eat family meals and was ridiculed each time I dared take a bite) ugly, and stupid. How I didn't belong in THEIR family. She actually turned out right on that one, I didn't belong in that.

I left at 16 when she took my bedroom away and gave it to her new boyfriend, he had to have an office. I was demoted into the laundry room on a cot. I thought she would be happy to see me go, but she flipped out "YOU DON'T LOVE ME". Truth, in one of her "confessions" she was only concerned about me taking my social security check from my deceased father (his demise was her most recent and frightening of confessions). I was so selfish to take that money away from her, after all she did for me. I was forced to pay rent at 14, if she bought me anything, I was required to pay it back on a payment plan with interest. She was "preparing me for the real world". Turns out, I was largely supporting the household with my SS and job income.

She also loves melodrama. Her most recent production is her son's daughter (my niece) CPS gave me custody of her for several months. My son and niece became close, the poor little dear would freeze and stiffen with a hug, would literally dart away when told she was loved. She found solace in my children and began to open up. Now, Mommy D has it in her sick twisted head that my son and my niece are in a love affair. Everything has to be sexual, everything has to be dirty. Her new boyfriend she had when I was 16, she married him, he is AWESOME. He is my one true support, she tried to soil and destroy the innocence of that bond. Mommy D gleefully trumpeted all over that it was sexual, that the only value I have is between my thighs, the only reason anyone would love me is purely based on being vaginally endowed. Now, she's doing it to those children. My nephew, raised by Mommy D's son attacked My daughter, she was about 14 at the time, she reported it (attempted rape, didn't succeed). I spoke to the father about getting him help. Mommy D stepped in, it's perfectly normal she said. She had a kissing cousin *cue vomit rising* nephew never received help and I'm literally afraid to death of him.

OK verbal dysentery here.

Since I have stood up, not just set boundaries, but enforced them, I've noticed a shift in paradigm, it's been consistent so far and I feel for once that I'm in control of my life. 

She has played the broken abused mommy to what few friends she has. Most only stick around because she has dirt on them and blackmails them. She traps everyone in fear. I could care less, I'm sick of her tyrannical fear mongering.

I have been consistent with her on the stance I have taken. I'm testing out kindness now, I wanted to see how that would work. She loves Gordon Lightfoot, so I offered that we go to the concert together, she seemed shocked and even went gushing to my dad about how considerate and thoughtful I was. Yesterday though, she brought some clothes to my house, the woman is as round as she is tall. Told Daughter, that it looked like I was putting on a lot of weight and she figured she would share some of her clothes with me. *foot tapping*  I've lost 30lbs.

I'm struggling with guilt too, a wasted emotion in this instance if there ever was one. The interesting aspect of it, is I feel guilty for feeling guilty, then feel guilty for feeling guilty about feeling guilty *Blink blink* This has all caused enormous amounts of Einstein hairdo's this summer.

A new self discovery. I don't know if others from BPD relationships have it too. I'd love to hear if other's have.  I have no faith in my ability to feel correctly.

I ALWAYS asked people for confirmation that an emotion was appropriate, just, or rational probably because of the following:

A. You have an active imagination

D. You just imagined it.

G. "IF YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULDN'T ATTACK ME SO MUCH"

H. You don't love me

I. You're crazy, nobody loves crazy people.

J. You're wrong

K. You don't have the right to feel that way, I do everything for you

Whenever I express emotions I ask "Is that right? Do I have a right to be <insert emotion>, would you feel <insert emotion>? Or am I being stupid?"

I do it with everyone. I didn't notice that at all until the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. What am I doing? I even do it with my kids for cryin' out loud!  To my credit, I usually only do the "you know?" with my kids. They've learned to either confirm or dismiss. I recognize it, therefore, I can change it. That seems to be my mantra lately.

I apologize for the length of this, but sweet Jesus how good it felt

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Finallyblooming,

It sounds like you've lived with your mother's concerning behaviors your whole life, and it's very common to feel guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, or all of the above when you think back at what your childhood and early adulthood were like. Many of us here, like you, are on our self-discoveries, and it can be a challenging, yet very liberating journey.

Many children of BPD parents don't believe that they have a right to their own feelings; I've struggled with that too. It wasn't ok to be angry. A look or a "tone" would set my mother off. A disagreement was a traitorous act. It's very invalidating, and I know firsthand how hard it is to feel like you need someone's permission to feel a certain way.

How are you working on healing from your mother's abuse? Have you had a chance to look at the Survivor's Guide to the right ----> ? That's what I consider the roadmap to healing and self-discovery. What would you like to see happen with your mother and your relationship in the future?

Welcome, and let us know how we can help you on your journey. 

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Geekygirl (love that moniker btw)!

Disagreement was one of her triggers also. Unless it was someone she truly liked at the moment, then she would praise their view and change her's to match immediately.

Any display of any emotion seemed to set her off though.

I haven't read the Survivors Guide, I will go hunt that out. I've been writing a lot. I even started writing on a book of my own. I work for an Ed.D, he has been tremendously helpful. This really all just started suddenly and has been moving fast a freight train.

I honestly NEVER expected to get to this point at all. Maybe I got comfortable with it, I don't know.

I have been working on pooling my memories into a chronological time line.  Mainly since my mom's disclosure about what she did to my biological father. My boss said it might be important to show patterns of behavior if it actually goes to court. It's a very bad Lifetime TV special on crack.

I believe that while doing this memory collection, that has been very healing, usually when I would have memories, it was like dropping a scrapbook and all the memories would topple out and be in a huge big overwhelming hot mess in front of me. Which spooked me and I stopped it immediately. While putting them in order, I'm able to see gradually how things escalated, triggers, why she targeted me (My biological father and I were very close) hence, probably my rejection of her and showing favoritism to my father. I was Judas in the flesh. I'm also being able to deal with one memory at a time one event at a time, stitch up that wound and reopen another. My boss right there beside me keeping a close eye. One major relief, and this going to sound really not ok. When she disclosed what she did to my biological father, the fears I had as a child that she was poisoning me or that she as going to kill me, didn't seem so far fetched and making me wonder if I perhaps should be taking that MMPI-2 instead of administering it. I felt less crazy, almost relieved.

Things really are ok right now, a lull between storms I'm sure. Oh, and I started neurofeedback to deal with the dull ache anger and panic attacks. I'm letting go of her and our history together, slowly and gradually. 

I do have the silly fantasy that we could be friends or at least spend holidays together, at least so I could be with my dad (step) during that time. But, I honestly can't see that happening since my brother lives with her and they encourage each other with some pretty sick things. But, I would like things to be like this, this stand still of a truce.

[Sitara]

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  A few of your comments bring back some memories of my own.

My second daughter's birth: Military didn't allow her in, she had to stay at my house. I get home, she cooked a lovely supper (she can't cook dog food out of a can). I was so exhausted, I couldn't eat. She threw the slop in the pan at me and my newborn and left back to her state. Leaving me feeling ungrateful, guilty, horrified, terrified, abandoned, unloved, and useless.

They do love to pounce when you're at your weakest.  My mom was the one watching my oldest when my second was born.  "I'll keep him as long as you need," she says.  Then it became too inconvenient, and she brought him back less that 24 hours after we left the hospital.

Stood in corners while they ripped me to shreds telling me I was fat (I heard fat a lot, I actually was 97lbs from an eating disorder that occurred when forced to eat family meals and was ridiculed each time I dared take a bite) ugly, and stupid.

In high school I was accused of being anorexic (I was not).  When I was out shopping pregnant, a very nice lady engaged in conversation about my pregnancy.  My mom had to interject, "She's not pregnant, she's just fat like her mother!"  Fortunately the lady ignored her, but it was incredibly awkward.

Disagreement was one of her triggers also.

If you did, it usually was followed up insisting she was right or "You just think I'm stupid!"

Any display of any emotion seemed to set her off though.

I've actually become so stoic that when I feel like I'm being extremely expressive, I've noticed I'm barely cracking a smile.  It was always best to maintain a neutral expression because if you weren't showing the right one in front of her, you would be belittled or ridiculed.  I just didn't realize how much that affected me even away from her.

I have no faith in my ability to feel correctly.

I completely understand and feel the same.  Am I supposed to be happy? Sad? Excited?  And I have no clue how to appropriately express these emotions.  I'm always cautious about expressing it.  Still in the back of my mind I expect to be made fun of or yelled at for expressing them.

I do have the silly fantasy that we could be friends or at least spend holidays together

I don't know if this is ever going to go away, but I'm starting to realize that it is just a fantasy and that's just not how my world is going to work.  I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have a loving family that spends time together.  I also realize it's just not going to happen.

Glad you seem to be working through things.

[gloveman]

     Sitara and finallyblooming I have experienced all the things you have. I am finallyblooming at 66. I hope you both are much younger.

     Keep at it You can do it.

[Finallyblooming]

Sitara,

yeah, they always know exactly the right thing to really make you feel warm and fuzzy inside, don't they? I find some of it funny now. Some, much to my SO's chagrin, I ruminate on. Thankfully, he has his own mommy issues only he's not as articulate as I am. So, he sort of gets it. SO has NC with his mother since he was 18.

I'm glad you didn't have an eating disorder, they're really no fun. I had a lot of side affects from it. Mommy D is obsessed with bodies and their physical condition. Not hers of course, she's Mama the Hut, but everyone else must fit into her category of physically acceptable. she's very vocal about it also. My D21 still struggles with the eating disorders Mommy D instilled in her, My niece is a scarf and barf girl. D19 managed to escape it, she just got lucky and got her dads metabolism.

I think when your mom said that about you while you were shopping, they LOVE to humiliate with an audience. Then the do that little laughing cackle laugh, like they're so clever and charming. How dare someone acknowledge you when SHE is obviously right there and she deserves the center of attention. Negative attention is better than no attention.  

Does your mom flirt incessantly with strange men? My mom is in her 70's and she seems to think she's still 20 and adorable, so she's very childlike and insipid in her flirting. It's SO GROSS. and every man wants her. I really feel bad for my dad.

With the emotions, I think it was like operant conditioning, you punished for a response, you stop the response due to the negative stimuli. You start to double guess so much. It's just easier not to do it, because there's going to be pain either way. I also had a stint with selective mutism when I elementary aged. I would say something, it was wrong and evoked and attack, so stop talking.

With the fantasy, Fantasies are healthy, they're good things. I know things won't work that way. I had told Mommy D that I would no longer subject myself to her brand of holiday cheer (torture). So, I know it'll take a lot more than a brief reprieve to go back on that. That's when torture was at it's finest. I left holidays from her house feeling like a shell, it would take me several days of crying, clinging to my SO in deep sobs of "Why does she hate me" "why why why" and his answer was "Sweetie, you can't find logic where there isn't any". I need to have a T shirt made with that.

[Finallyblooming]

I apologize for the messed up grammar and probably missing words. I just took my panic-b-gone pill and my eyes are starting to cross.

[isshebpd]

Ah yes, projection   I've had to talk to my uBPDmom about her constant harping about people's weight and preaching about healthy eating. It makes family dinners excruciating, especially the rare times when we are all at a restaurant together. I can just feel the judging going on in her mind, and notice the self-righteous looks on her face.

If I hear "portion control" one more time, I might just shove a big piece of pie down her throat :P

Her idiot doctor told her she needs to lose 20 pounds, even though she's not noticeably overweight. I think I helped her feel better when I told I'd be more worried if she was 20 pounds underweight at her age (65). I've work with seniors in one of my jobs and seen them waste away.

Speaking of seniors flirting, its happened to me before at work. It's a very strange feeling

[Finallyblooming]

Gloveman,

Thank you for the words of encouragement!

[Finallyblooming]

IssheBPD,

If your mom is normal weight, I think that's less obnoxious, annoying all the same, but sounds like she's at least taking her own advice. It's funny because non's have the same traits, especially mothers. (I've seen non moms in action, I love them) They want their children to make healthy choices and will gently provide healthy choices to their children and live by example. That's how children learn. I think non moms stop their gentle teachings by a certain age.

The Bpd parent, they take it one step further into harassment, ridicule, that "look"

Mommy D is morbidly obese, she rings in at 5'3  300+ pounds. I'm 5'8 at 140lbs, below the recommended weight. I've actually wondered and I might look into this. If there isn't a weird spur of the cluster B's that include a body dysmorphia. But, she is mortified by my weight, I can always lose five more pounds. Mommy D's examples are using heavy cream in her morning cereal (ya, I know *gags*) EVERY meal she has to have a cream sauce, pasta, heDavy carbs, minimal fresh vegetables, never fresh fruit, very low protein. It has to be all about the cream!

D21, D19, S15 are all normal weights. Niece is her new target.

Have you ever tried bumbleberry pie? I have an awesome recipe if you want it *sweet grin*

[gloveman]

     Why do all of you still communicate with your BPD parent?  I stopped talking to my dad and brother a long time ago except at work and only then when I had to. Why do you hang around people who give you so much pain?

[hopesprings]

Whenever I express emotions I ask "Is that right? Do I have a right to be <insert emotion>, would you feel <insert emotion>? Or am I being stupid?"

I do this! Especially if I feel angry.  It takes several days for me to figure out if I have a right to be angry.  I usually try asking a couple of people.  Just asking my husband doesn't provide enough reassurance.  My mom and siblings have such different reactions to events that I feel like I'm spinning.  It is such a relief when somebody tells me, "I'd be angry about that too."  I can read other people's emotions pretty well, but usually with an overabundance of caution that my actions, feelings, words might be hurting them in some way.  Identifying my own feelings is hard. After one particularly bad incident with my brother, I can no longer cry.  Part of me went numb and hasn't come back. I was raised to have no needs. My purpose was to take care of my mother and make her look good.  She directed my interests, my clothes, my activities, jobs, career choice.  I developed an eating disorder, I had depression.  My parents told people I had "emotional problems", "was mentally unstable", etc. Turns out I was having a very normal reaction to a miserable situation.  So hard to be told you are wrong for having appropriate feelings.

[Finallyblooming]

Gloveman,

I know it seems like the logical thing to do, run, run far and wide. I spent most of my life doing that. It helped on some levels, but it doesn't stop her from getting to me, it never did. She'd find me and find a way to get to me no matter what. Mainly I think because to have a daughter ditch and run at 16 made her look bad and she envisioned herself as Mother Nature, the Queen of Motherhood and Maternal Love and I was her one little loose thread running amuck that proved she was anything but. It also got worse when I received an unexpected inheritance of some substance, she suddenly wanted to open a bed and breakfast and I OWED her. I said no and changed my phone number. But I also lived on an AFB and she knew exactly how to utilize that to find me. I later found out that it was my sister who was my own personal wikileak. She thought it was unfair that I cut Mommy D out of the picture.

I divorced and I was forced to come back to Mommy D's state because the economy hasn't totally crushed the job market in this state.

I also, love my dad, I hated sneaking around to be able to have my relationship with him. It put him in a very bad position. In July, he told me he has prostate cancer. This about killed me, I went on a major, probably irrational flip out. Mainly because my bio dad was diagnosed and dying of cancer and she became bored with being caretaker and helped him along with going "home". She also was really needing the sympathy and attention a funeral would give. Saint S***y was needing her validation and proper praise.

I did a lot of soul searching and had to decide what I was willing to do, what I could do, what I couldn't do, what I was willing to subject myself too, etc. It came down to the fact that I was going to be dipped in doggy doo before I let her hurt him too, if I bounced out, he would be alone in her care and if you know anything about MBPD, you understand what a frightening prospect that is. So, in order to be there for him, I have to deal with her. In this instance, I'll deal with her, not like how I used too. I will use everything in my toolbox, I will maintain my power, I will keep moving forward.

[Finallyblooming]

Hopesprings,

You have no idea how relieved I am to find out that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Between you and Geekygirl, I know it's not just me being crazy. I can move past this one. I seriously thought I was out of my mind, some serious malfunction. Thank you two so much.

I think I can start just saying it is what it is, so there 

I also went through the thing with the clothes and interests. The clothes are still a nightmare, Mommy d was a polyester girl, I suppose that's the only thing that would stretch over her mountainous stomach and thighgate. I was a leather, concert t-shirt, levi girl (Love the 80's). I'm pretty certain that hell is decked out in purple polyester stretchy pants from 1.00 catalogs and purple sweaters. She wanted so badly for me to be one of the preppy cheerleaders, she wanted me to like sports, and sit primly in church. She wanted Donna Reed's Daughter, vacuum in high heels and pearls, reply quietly of "Yes mother, of course". She got what could best be described as a love child from Alice Cooper and Lita Ford who was scared of her own shadow.

Did you ever get the exasperate gasp and eye roll when you expressed a casual comment about something looking fun or interesting?

She also despised that I was also what she called "Harley biker trash", until I got sick of it and I forced her onto a motorcycle (I made sure there was an appropriate audience to see her do this so she could perform magnificently) and ended up loving it and is now convinced that my SO needs to build her a trike.

With my career, she honestly never gave a hoot. Her son (He's full bio, but I refuse to address him as brother). Is/was an RN, she was very proud of him. After he got out of school, he lost one job after the other. Job #1: He had the choice to quit or be fired for SEVERE sexual harassment. He caught an NA in a storage close and blocked her from leaving unless she did "things" with him. The girl had the sense to report it. I doubt that was the first event of that nature. Job #2 He put the wrong medications in the wrong IV port and nearly killed a patient. Job #3 Several sexual harassment and misconduct complaints some against the elderly that were in his care, and he also put the used the entirely wrong medication and almost killed patient #2. According to Mommy D, these were all lies, it was not his fault, and the world is out to get him. 

I think, subconsciously, she sees that I'm the better choice for bragging rights at this point and has even sent emails encouraging me to go through with getting my Ph.D.

You can probably tell I spend a lot of time laughing about a lot of this. Some of the darker things I can't yet, but maybe one day. I hope some day, you'll be able to laugh and smile again.

[Sitara]

Does your mom flirt incessantly with strange men?

I didn't really think about that until you brought it up, but yes she does.  Cute waiters, or more disturbing, inappropriate comments to my and my sister's husbands.  She would do it to embarrass them or see how much she can push their limits.

"Sweetie, you can't find logic where there isn't any"

I love this so much.

Finallyblooming, I'm glad you're able to use your sense of humor to get you through.

Why do all of you still communicate with your BPD parent?

I'm currently in the process of moving away and slowly letting the relationship die.  I'm 30.  The first 20 years were spent not knowing anything was amiss; my mom cut me off of all family/friends as much as possible.  I didn't know what other people's families were like.  It wasn't until I'd been in college for a couple years that I started realizing things weren't quite right.  It was a pretty slow process, that feeling creeping in of "This just doesn't seem right... . "  As I started making more of my own decisions, her actions became more desperately crazy, and more blatantly wrong to me.  Once she started doing those same mean, awful things to my husband and trying to ensnare my oldest son, I was at my limit.  I've definitely been actively fighting against her mistreatment for the past 4 or 5 years, but I wasn't able to really start standing my ground until now when I figured out what was really going on.  It's hard to fight against something when you try and explain the situation to other people (with loving families) and they think you're exaggerating and tell you that you aren't trying hard enough.  It felt like I was getting validation that my mom was right about me, it was me, since people outside the situation were also saying it was me.  I realize now that it isn't me, and I'm moving on with my life.

[isshebpd]

Gloveman,

My understand there is are particular issues for children of BPD/NPD Moms (diagnosed or not). Because Moms are (usually) the primary caregiver, we all have some degree of attachment issues. In extreme cases, even attachment disorder.

Like any human, or any mammal for that matter, we feel broken without the maternal bond that should have been our birthrights. As long as Mom is still alive and physically available, part me will always seek maternal love that really isn't there.

As for my brother, who is uNPD, I try to avoid him but sometimes think of the train wreck that is his life. Genetically, he is more like me than anyone on this Earth  :'(

[Finallyblooming]

Sitara,

The isolation and alienation is a big thing. I know this more professional, some personally but not to the extent that you're describing. I got yanked from T's and P's when Mommy D saw the light bulbs turn on over their heads, but that was the extent of it.

It's very common for abusers to isolate and alienate their children from outside sources to hide the abuse. Were you ever told that you weren't allowed to speak of what happened in the family to others, because family business is private?

Mommy D, on the few occasions she was allowed to spend time with my kids were immediately told "don't tell your mother". Being my children and subjected to mass amounts of psychological subjects that were for my school and work were very well versed. DD21 and S15 can score PPI's, give criteria, work statistics, etc knew that this was BIG waving   . They of course immediately told me. LOL That was the ground work to start isolation from their main support system so she could start her psychological attack on my children. There's more to it obviously, but she wasn't allowed near them for a very long time. I finally compromised and allowed to see them without me present, but I make an appointment for her at the Supervised Visitation Center and offer to pay half of the fees. They record video and sound of the visit and there's a person always watching and listening ready to intervene.

They run a lot of risks when there are more people on the outside looking in and also running the risk of you looking to the outside to find out that this is not normal. If you're raised in it, it is normal for you. It's all you known. If you aren't allowed to witness non dysfunctional households, you will assume that all households are just the same. Which sounds like when you did reach the outside world, that realization came to you and caused her to do the flip out is what I hear you saying.

Since some Bpd are VERY good actresses and actors. They can very easily manipulate the views of others, especially if you're not immediately present. As non's you can probably relate when you're listening to a friend talking about her SO, normal girl venting, that we immediately believe our friend and commiserate "OMG, did you kick his butt?" "What an A***HOLE." It's the same concept, they can twist the situation around to become the victim because they HAVE to be the victim. Saints are martyrs. People who hear it, immediately go into the listening and commiseration mode. Generally, that doesn't last very long, they start to figure it out eventually.

[gloveman]

     I hardly know what to say. I just never identified or bonded with my parents or brother, so I was able to walk away emotionally and stay away.

     Somehow I knew their mode of behavior was wrong and was able to reject them and their BPD world. Rejecting my family left a huge void in my life. Most of the pain I received from them was from the void, that is from being physically in their presence, but not emotionally. And from the sadness of seeing how mixed up they were.

      As I posted some where else on this website what helped me a great deal was the firm belief that "I am okay; they are nuts." It made it possible for me to distance myself emotionally from them, even when in their presence.

     

[Breathing new air]

So as read though this thread this am it hit a cord in me also. So much of what has been said here by all that have posted could be true of me and my family.  The saying that comes to mind is that you didn't know what you didn't know.  As I come out of the FOG of my life, and this really happened increasingly since my son passed about 12 years ago this October, I just marvel that I could think so many things were normal and not question what my mom said to me.  

I was isolated and taught to distrust the system. Her reasons were so logical or so I thought. Her statements of " Do not tell or someone could take you away. Look at how the systems fails all the time. It is the good families they take away from not the bad families". I was never hit as a child, mom prided herself at keeping all of us girls "in line" without raising a hand.  Just saying these things now makes me sick.  But that was my mom.  She could be a Queen/Waif/Hermit/Witch, depending what got her her way. But everyone loved her and thought she was great. I was lucky to have her as a mom.

But man was I isolated, and I did not even know it.  Mind games are actually my families specialty. It was all mental and intellectual. And they prided themselves on it.   I think about it now and I went over to so rarely. And I can count on 2 hands they times my friends came over and that was usually birthday parties, and man did she turn on the charm for that.  

Breaking free is hard. I am so ambiguous about a relationship with her. I was thinking the other day driving home from work. Since putting boundaries in place, she really does not call as much or want to talk to me.  I do not act like her counselor and mirror anymore and she really has not much time for me. Funny, it is a good thing is someways but I feel rejected all over again. As I said, I go back and forth now, although less and less as the scales come off my eyes as far as mom is concerned.

I don't think there was anything covered today that I have not found with my mom growing up in some form. She was never "mean" to me, but she would be critical of everything and I was always hearing about the latest diet and all the body image things. Although not said it was implied. She could imply with a look.  

As an adult, I do check in with everyone else for my own gauge on almost everything. Would never want to rock the boat.  I get told over and over how perceptive I am on emotions and understanding what makes people tick. It makes me good with everyone else, but lousy with myself.  I have to be honest as good as I am with that, that is how bad I am with reading and understanding myself.  I tell people all the time I am not good with emotions that involve me. I have been taught it is not good to be myself in so many ways.  When I went to college the first time, really one of the only times I was happy and free, my mom spend the whole year telling me that she hated who I was becoming and that I was changing and becoming selfish. Did I want to become a person who did not put family first. Crazy huh. If I had stayed away and pursued my dreams, where would my life be now.

Anyway. Thanks for showing me. That I am normal for what I grew up in and that there is hope to find what truly is normal. Sorry it got so long. As I find my voice, I am long winded.