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BPDFamily.com
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What should I have said to this
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Topic: What should I have said to this (Read 677 times)
Cloudy Days
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095
What should I have said to this
«
on:
August 16, 2013, 09:24:19 AM »
I had a bad night last night. I littereally came home from work, turned the light on and pet my dogs. Not even two minutes of being home and my husband came in looked at me and said you have a guilty face. What are you guilty of? I said "nothing" I'm sure my tone wasn't pleasant and I'm also sure my face had turned from whatever it was to highly annoyed. I just walked in the freaking door! So anyways, it turned into him packing his bags saying he was going to leave. Eventually he stopped but he gave me the silent treatment most of the night and even said while I was washing dishes that I was cussing at him (I wasn't, I don't even think I spoke).
I think what I struggle with the most is time to process what to say to him. I wasn't prepared for him saying I was guilty of something right as I walked in the door. It just catches me so off guard and still, I'm not really sure how I should have reacted. I found out recently that my Grandma is really sick and may not live past a year and it's really been a lot for me to handle because I have always been close to her. I mentioned to him that I have been depressed and he got irritated with me for saying that. I guess that's not allowed I know it is affecting how I react to him though because I don't have the energy for it, I feel exhausted all the time. I am seeing a counselor but not often.
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It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
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lostandunsure
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 17 Years
Posts: 77
Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #1 on:
August 16, 2013, 09:58:19 AM »
I don't really have a suggestion on what you might have said, I'm very new to all this and am still learning new communication skills myself. I just wanted to comment on the whole "you have a guilty face" thing.
In my recent research I read an article on how pwBPD can't properly read people's facial expressions. They simply don't see the same thing that other people do. A "neutral" expression is misinterpreted as some negative emotion that they've imagined for you. Even positive, happy expressions can be totally misinterpreted. I've seen this a lot with my uBPDw. If your husband is prone to this, it might help explain it.
Also, I've found that my wife can feel somewhat threatened by my emotional needs at times. If I am overwhelmed with something or at a period where I'm seeing a therapist, she might be dysregulated more because she doesn't know how to deal with my needs, and especially when I'm tired and unable to keep up with her needs as much as she'd like.
I don't know if any of this helps, but I do think that you should be allowed to see a counselor, you need to have some outlet for yourself... . It took awhile for my wife to truly
get
that, but eventually she did.
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Cloudy Days
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Posts: 1095
Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #2 on:
August 16, 2013, 10:15:21 AM »
Yes, my husband likes to try and read my face or how I act and he tries to interpret it. He feels that he has like this sixth sense of figuring people out. Except that he just thinks everyone is evil and out to get him, at some point he's going to be right so it just adds fuel to the fire. He often says, I'm right about everyone else why wouldn't I be right about you. What bites me in the butt is that I was probably just feeling unsure of him and gave the vibe of "I'm not sure what mood your in so I feel uneasy". I'm going to the therapist every other week. We can't afford more than that. I am just thankful I can do that much.
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It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
an0ught
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Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #3 on:
August 18, 2013, 11:57:20 AM »
Hi Cloudy Days,
sounds like your husband is suffering from abandonment. If that is the case you may need to
- avoid invalidation (avoid defending as it just confirms you are guilty)
- validate i.e. mention that he is acting jealous (he does not have to admit it to work)
it would be worth thinking about why he feels that way... .
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Scarlet Phoenix
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Relationship status: Together 9 years
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Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #4 on:
August 18, 2013, 04:04:42 PM »
Hi Cloudy Days
I get a lot of these you look guilty/annoyed/angry etc-accusations, too. What usually works best is to not buy into it. The key is my facial expression and tone of voice when I answer. In a light tone and with a happy face (like Lostandunsure said, they often read "neutral face" as negative), I correct his interpretation - once! This is okay. I know we talk a lot about JADE-ing on this board. JADE-ing is not just stating once that they are in fact wrong. JADE-ing is getting into longer and longer explanations and counter arguments about why they are wrong.
Then I go right on to talk about something else. Don't leave a lot of dead space to let him stay with this thought.
To use your situation as a learning experience, keeping in mind facial expression/tone of voice, one statement only and moving on, what could you have done differently?
him (angry): You have a guilty face
you(... . ):
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~
Become who you are
~~
Cloudy Days
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095
Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #5 on:
August 19, 2013, 08:54:59 AM »
Other than smiling and saying "I'm not guilty of anything" I really can't think of anything. But he's also gotten mad at me for smiling at him because to him that means I am laughing at him when he is in a lousy mood.
I did ask him what made him feel I was guilty of something and he said he read it all over my face. He could just tell. I'm not really sure what to validate on that.
I have another scenario that's a bit of the opposite but still similar. This morning he was awake while I was getting ready for work. My dog was being super cute and was just making me smile, she had like extra energy this morning. My husband says to me, You are more happy when you are getting ready to go to work then when you are at home with me. He was laughing at our dog too before he said this. It just put me in a bad mood, which I know I'm not suppose to let his comments affect me like that but seriously, I can't even smile in the mornings without him getting irritated about It. I actually hate going to work every morning, he hates hearing that too because it makes him feel bad because he doesn't work. It feels like a no win situation, which is always what he sets up for me.
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It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
Scarlet Phoenix
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Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155
Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #6 on:
August 19, 2013, 02:00:14 PM »
Can I suggest that you don't ask him what makes him feel that way? It gives him leeway to further attack or accuse you.
It seems to go down better when answering with a simple correction and then talking about something else. For instance:
Him: - You have a guilty face
You: - 1) Hmm. I don't feel guilty / Hmm. I have nothing to be guilty about / Oh, I feel fine, just saying hello to the dog
- 2) What would you like to eat for dinner? (or something completely unrelated)
Note that nr 2 must follow swiftly not to let him fill dead air with more talk about your "guilty face"
It's likely that he will press on with his theory, straight away or sometime later that evening. If he does, I advice you to reply that you've already responded to that and that you won't get into a new discussion about it. You may need to say this many times, as he will likely try to push your buttons. If you don't want to repeat yourself, leave the room stating that you have to go (whatever).
It's a technique that's worked well for me, and for other members, I've noticed. If you're consistent in responding in this way - and not getting dragged into discussions about whatever he's accusing you of - he should do this less and less.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~
Become who you are
~~
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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Posts: 2070
Re: What should I have said to this
«
Reply #7 on:
August 19, 2013, 05:50:29 PM »
Cloudy Days, it's like yea, just don't attach to it. He can hurl weird words all day long, don't attach any of your well-being to them. Know thyself! Validate thyself! And move on to greener pastures... .
"You have a guilty face"
"Yea, it's probably my dilated eyes. Couldn't help but notice the beautiful sky! It's periwinkle, yay! Have you thought about what you want to eat? Can't get bar-b-q'in out of my mind
"
I'm at a point in my life that I will not let someone else's mood bring me down, or I'll at least try really hard not to. If I find my mood plummeting it's usually a good indication that I need a little alone time, doing whatever it is that will snap be back into myself.
We don't have to attach ourselves fiercely to anything.  :)etach with
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