My uBPDbf's concerns about my ex husband

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, I'm back with the same problem, again and again and again. My D26 is coming in from 3000 miles away for literally a day and a half this weekend.  She made arrangements for me, my x-H (her father), her grandmother and some friends to meet for lunch tomorrow since that's all the free time she's going to have.  UBPDbf has also been invited.  

All hell broke loose when I told him that my x-H may be there.  According to him, since we're divorced, I'm only allowed to be near him for weddings or graduations.  Nothing else no matter what.  It all comes down to uBPDbf's jealousy.  There's nothing between x-H and I other than the fact that we have 2 grown children.  There's going to be plenty of reasons over the years to come when we're going to be in each other's company.

UBPDbf can't handle it - again.  He's back to raging, threatening, etc.  He's actually threatened to "tell them how I feel" in front of my D and my mother tomorrow morning when they're at the house.  I could take my D somewhere else for the few hours I get to spend with her tomorrow, but I shouldn't have to run and hide from him.  

He just can't deal with the fact that x-H and I will be in each other's company.  And of course, uBPDbf refuses to attend lunch.  

I can't even validate because I can never get a word in.  He just screams (either on the phone or in person) and I hang up or walk away.  Nothing  ever gets accomplished or resolved because he refuses to even hear what I have to say on this or any other subject we disagree on, and he refuses any kind of therapy.

Do I just finally walk away (from the house I put all that money into) .  I know the answer to that question but its not so easy.

[toomanyeggshells]

Well, I'm back with the same problem, again and again and again. My D26 is coming in from 3000 miles away for literally a day and a half this weekend.  She made arrangements for me, my x-H (her father), her grandmother and some friends to meet for lunch tomorrow since that's all the free time she's going to have.  UBPDbf has also been invited.  

All hell broke loose when I told him that my x-H may be there.  According to him, since we're divorced, I'm only allowed to be near him for weddings or graduations.  Nothing else no matter what.  It all comes down to uBPDbf's jealousy.  There's nothing between x-H and I other than the fact that we have 2 grown children.  There's going to be plenty of reasons over the years to come when we're going to be in each other's company.

UBPDbf can't handle it - again.  He's back to raging, threatening, etc.  He's actually threatened to "tell them how I feel" in front of my D and my mother tomorrow morning when they're at the house.  I could take my D somewhere else for the few hours I get to spend with her tomorrow, but I shouldn't have to run and hide from him.  

He just can't deal with the fact that x-H and I will be in each other's company.  And of course, uBPDbf refuses to attend lunch.  

I can't even validate because I can never get a word in.  He just screams (either on the phone or in person) and I hang up or walk away.  Nothing  ever gets accomplished or resolved because he refuses to even hear what I have to say on this or any other subject we disagree on, and he refuses any kind of therapy.

Do I just finally walk away (from the house I put all that money into) .  I know the answer to that question but its not so easy.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I can't even validate because I can never get a word in.  He just screams (either on the phone or in person) and I hang up or walk away.  Nothing  ever gets accomplished or resolved because he refuses to even hear what I have to say on this or any other subject we disagree on, and he refuses any kind of therapy.

Do I just finally walk away (from the house I put all that money into) .  I know the answer to that question but its not so easy.

Hi toomanyeggshells

How did it go?

I can't tell you whether to walk away from the relationship or not. But what I know is true is that if your partner screams at you and refuses to discuss topics, he is dysregulated and the best you can do is walk away from the situation. Let him be dysregulated alone, he'll calm down faster. Next time, you could try using SET - when he is calm - to tell him that you'll go.

[toomanyeggshells]

How did it go?

When he continued to scream at me and "order" me out of our house, I left and went to my father's house (they're away on vacation so I had their house to myself) at about 6Pm Friday night and had no contact with him until he called me at 8AM on Sunday morning.  I was a wonderful reprieve from him and his craziness.

I went to lunch with my D26, x-H and 4 other close friends and we had a nice time!  The great part was that after lunch I went back to my father's house and there was no one screaming at me.  I know for a fact if I'd have gone back to my house, uBPDbf would have continued raging and it very well may have turned violent. 

What happened Sunday morning will be the subject of a separate post 

[SadWifeofBPD]

Just curious... .

Was your ex-H harder to live with than your current BF? 


And, you're right... . there will be many, many occasions when you and ex-H will be together... . births of grandchildren, grandchildren's Bday parties, school events, sports events, etc. 

Since you and ex-H have a civil relationship, there's going to be lots of occasions.  Either BF happily accept that or non-stop issues for the future.

[toomanyeggshells]

Just curious... .

Was your ex-H harder to live with than your current BF? 

And, you're right... . there will be many, many occasions when you and ex-H will be together... . births of grandchildren, grandchildren's Bday parties, school events, sports events, etc. 

Since you and ex-H have a civil relationship, there's going to be lots of occasions.  Either BF happily accept that or non-stop issues for the future.

My x-H was really a good guy.  Not BPD at all.  I divorced him because we just grew apart after 22 years.  I didn't realize how good I had it with him until I got into the r/s with uBPDbf.  I had no other relationships between the divorce and uBPDbf. 

You are exactly right about the rest of your post.  There will be grandkids in the future and probably another wedding in the next couple of years, among other reasons for me and x-H to be in each other's company.  I can't continue to deal with uBPDbf's explosions whenever something comes up. 

Also, my kids both live in different parts of the country    so when there is a reason for me and x-H to be around each other, its few and far between when the kids come home.  We''e certainly not together regularly.  Its maybe once or twice a year. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

My x-H was really a good guy.  Not BPD at all.  I divorced him because we just grew apart after 22 years. 

I didn't realize how good I had it with him until I got into the r/s with uBPDbf.

  I had no other relationships between the divorce and uBPDbf. 

Holy Toledo!  Jumped from a nice warm bath into the fire. 

I can somewhat relate.  I never had a boyfriend who yelled at me, so once H started yelling after we were married, not only was I shocked, but it made me appreciate the other guys more. 

Well, do you think that BF knows that ex-H is a much nicer person?  If so, that jealousy won't go away. 

I assume that when you say "grew apart" that you had few shared interests that you did together.  What shared interests do you routinely do with BF?

[toomanyeggshells]

Yep, right into the fire.  When I look back now, I can see there were red flags with uBPDbf but I never in my life met someone with these issues so I didn't realize what they meant. Ugh, I could kick myself now but I had no idea.

UBPDbf and my x-H know each other and were acquaintances (not really friends) long ago.  UBPDbf knows that he's a nice guy and that I didn't divorce him for the same kinds of behavior that I get now.  Maybe that's an issue.  Really, the issue is uBPDbf's jealousy and insecurity.  I know that. 

As to the last part of your post, SadWife, the crazy thing is that most of the time when uBPDbf and I are out of the house doing things, we're pretty much okay (not great and wonderfully happy, but mostly calm).  Its when we're at home together that he goes into rages for whatever reason.

[SadWifeofBPD]

When I look back now, I can see there were red flags with uBPDbf but I never in my life met someone with these issues so I didn't realize what they meant. Ugh, I could kick myself now but I had no idea.

I agree.  I had no idea that some of the early signs were serious red flags.

I wonder why your BF is worse at home?  Is it because no one witnesses those times?  What stressers are at home? 

How long have you been with BF? 

[toomanyeggshells]

I'll tell you what happens at home.  He wants all of my attention 100% of the time.  If I get a phone call, he huffs and puffs because I'm not paying attention to him.  Same thing if I want to take a walk outside (he doesn't like to) or if I read a magazine or if I spend too much time in the kitchen cooking dinner (which to me is a break from him). 

He gets home from work before me and - this is almost too unbelievable - he goes through my closet to see what I've worn to work that day and then gets himself all worked up if he disapproves and makes nasty comments when I get home (or calls me at work and yells about my choice of clothing). 

Since he gets home before me (about 2 hours), he's sitting on the couch watching tv, staring at the clock waiting for me to walk in the door.  My job is not a "punch a time clock" job like his.  Sometimes I need to stay a few minutes (or sometimes longer).  This causes rage and cheating accusations. 

The weekends aren't usually too bad with him unless I want to do something with friends or family that he is either not included in or doesn't want to be involved with.  Then its full on rage and yelling that I don't care about him and don't want to be in a r/s because I enjoy spending time with people other than him.

He and I were friends (part of a large group of people) for over 10 years.  We dated for 2 years before buying a house together.  Never in all that time did I witness any what I know now to be BPD behavior or was any raging, name calling or violence directed at me.  I wish it had been because I never would have moved in with him.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Can you sell the house?

Wow... . goes thru your closet and then yells at you for what you wore that day?  (Heck, grab a few outfits, put them in your car, and then he'll be confused.  Then change into shorts before you come home and he won't know what you wore.   )

Seriously, I understand the desire for 100% attention once you're home.  H wants that too.  He doesn't mind if I'm cooking or cleaning away from him, but he's very jealous of hobbies, etc.  It's ok for him to go golfing, go to the gym, watch TV or surf the net, but if I'm doing my own stuff, then he gets annoyed (unless we're watching the same TV program.) 

I think the fact that the BF is home for 2 hours before you are just gives him time to stew and get upset.  Is there something he can do during that time - go to the gym, a sport, etc?  If he wasn't sitting at home, he'd be distracted.   If he won't go somewhere, is there a home project that he can work on?  or can he start dinner? 

How do you split home chores? 

What are you getting out of this relationship? 

[toomanyeggshells]

Can you sell the house?

I'd sell the house in a minute but he refuses.  Says he wants to keep it but I know for a fact he can't afford it without my funds. 

Wow... . goes thru your closet and then yells at you for what you wore that day?  (Heck, grab a few outfits, put them in your car, and then he'll be confused.  Then change into shorts before you come home and he won't know what you wore.   )

I've thought about it. LOL.  I was gonna wear pants to work and take a skirt just to make him think I was wearing one (skirts and dresses are his issue) but then I figured I was stooping to his level so I haven't done that.

You can't believe how much I wish he had a hobby but he doesn't.  Once I suggested that he get back into coaching kids sports.  His responses was "why, so then you can be galavanting around while I'm doing that?" Its just unbelievable.  I've suggested other things over the years but he doesn't want to do anything during the week but come home from work and sit on the couch till bedtime.  Sometimes he does cook dinner and that's fine, however, god forbid I'm 5 minutes later than usual home from work on those days.  Another reason to accuse and rage.

As to your final question - I'm getting nothing out of this r/s.  I'm still here because, as Val78 wisely made me realize, I'm stuck in the FOG - but working on it.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I was gonna wear pants to work and take a skirt just to make him think I was wearing one (skirts and dresses are his issue) but then I figured I was stooping to his level so I haven't done that.

Is he worried that men will see your legs? 

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about "stooping to his level" in this area.  You're really not.  Stooping to his level would be a "tit for tat" or raging like he does. 

He doesn't have some right to know what you wear to work just as he doesn't have the right to comment on what you wear.  You have that right to privacy, so you have the right to protect that privacy as you see fit.

[toomanyeggshells]

Is he worried that men will see your legs? 

Yep 

He doesn't have some right to know what you wear to work just as he doesn't have the right to comment on what you wear.  You have that right to privacy, so you have the right to protect that privacy as you see fit.

Completely agreed.