today

[Depression = 72% of members]

today is a hard tough day. I dont have a clue why. Its been 5 days without contact from my exBPDgf since she sent me a job related text earlier this week. I responded since it was work related. I just sent a short reply nothing personal. I havent heard a sound from her and I have mixed emotions about it. I feel  good that I havent heard from her but sad at the same time. Does this make sense? I havent saw her in person in 2 or 3 weeks and that been a blessing. Today I shut down my facebook so wouldnt be tempted to check hers anymore. The temptaion is over whelming at times and I know that its just asking for more pain. She hasnt posted anything and still has some of our pictures up since we split. But what is funny is she removed almost all of them but left 1 or 2 still up. I have given up tryuing to figure that one out and or anything else for that matter. What I have found is nothing they do will ever make sense to us and you will drive yourself crazy trying to make sense out what cant be made sense out of. I can speak on this subject because thats what I did for the whole relationship was apply sense and logic to something that had no logic. because of that I always felt like I was chasing my tail in circles. but for the life of me I cant figure out why today is such a low day. Maybe it was the trigger I experienced the other day or maybe its the weather. This time of year was always our favorite, cool weather, motorcycle rides, college football. I cant put my finger on it at all. But I do know that Im at a all time low and I shoudnt be. Ive been here before numerous times over the last 2 and half years. Ive be dumped so many times ive lost count. I should be a expert at it. So how come I cant shake these blues? sorry for the vent I had to get it off my chest

[mitchell16]

today is a hard tough day. I dont have a clue why. Its been 5 days without contact from my exBPDgf since she sent me a job related text earlier this week. I responded since it was work related. I just sent a short reply nothing personal. I havent heard a sound from her and I have mixed emotions about it. I feel  good that I havent heard from her but sad at the same time. Does this make sense? I havent saw her in person in 2 or 3 weeks and that been a blessing. Today I shut down my facebook so wouldnt be tempted to check hers anymore. The temptaion is over whelming at times and I know that its just asking for more pain. She hasnt posted anything and still has some of our pictures up since we split. But what is funny is she removed almost all of them but left 1 or 2 still up. I have given up tryuing to figure that one out and or anything else for that matter. What I have found is nothing they do will ever make sense to us and you will drive yourself crazy trying to make sense out what cant be made sense out of. I can speak on this subject because thats what I did for the whole relationship was apply sense and logic to something that had no logic. because of that I always felt like I was chasing my tail in circles. but for the life of me I cant figure out why today is such a low day. Maybe it was the trigger I experienced the other day or maybe its the weather. This time of year was always our favorite, cool weather, motorcycle rides, college football. I cant put my finger on it at all. But I do know that Im at a all time low and I shoudnt be. Ive been here before numerous times over the last 2 and half years. Ive be dumped so many times ive lost count. I should be a expert at it. So how come I cant shake these blues? sorry for the vent I had to get it off my chest

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Mitchell,

     I get what you are asking about.  I had an experience very recently where my pwBPD very intentionally tried to trigger me and I had absolutely no bad reaction at all --until the next day!  It was really a strange experience having that delay.  I'm no psychologist, but I guess it shows there is really a battle going on inside us between the conscious and the subconscious mind.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  I guess my conscious mind 'took the first round' and scoffed at the blatant attempt at manipulation, but then the subconscious can weaseling back later after the conscious took an 8 hour nap.  Whatever the true explanation might be, I do understand that letting go is a process, not a decision. As the old saying goes: "It's a marathon, not a sprint." 

     You might benefit, as I did, in confronting the subconscious' decision that your pwBPD was the greatest thing ever (motorcycle rides, college football) by making out a list of the really cr@ppy things she did.  I thought I would have four or five good ones, but I stopped after 4 pages, actually.  It's a very useful exercise when you need to teach your emotional brain, again, that she truly doesn't belong on anything resembling a pedestal.  When she's on that thing it's very hard not to be depressed about not being with her, but you need to keep reminding yourself about what she really, truly is.  I do that every day just by coming here to read the posts.  I am rapidly reminded that "yeah, she used to totally say that to me too" or "Man, I'm lucky I didn't have any kids with her.  The poor schmuck that did must have had a really great life." 

     OK, today it sucks to be you.  Tomorrow, not so much, I bet.  It's a marathon.

LT

[mitchell16]

thats a good way to look at it today it sucks to be me but tomorrows not so much. I like that. I have made the list, numerous times and it always comes up the same. Im better without her then with her. and the good times were few and the bad was many. I guess thats what so crazy. I with through divorce and my wife and I ahd lot more good times then bad and I wasnt this misrable when we divorced. I undertsood why we divorced and I also had a huge part in that and we are good friends today. I wasnt angry and resentful and lonely and lost like i am now.

[heartandwhole]

mitchell16,

I'm sorry your day has been such a hard one.  I can definitely relate.  During my detachment from pwBPD, I would feel like I was making great progress, then suddenly crash.  It's the process - grieving is not a straight line.  Congrats on shutting down your fb, I think that will help a lot.

Is there anything special you can do just for yourself today?

Hang in there.  It does get better. 

[laelle]

Hey Mitchell16,

I think it is great that you have such a clear idea that contacting your ex will only bring you both more pain.  I was tempted to call or email my ex as I had the million break ups prior.  It took understanding that if your ex is BPD... . You are now the trigger for their pain.  Yes, it will always be this way for them in their relationships, but if you are like me, you dont want to be the one who causes your ex to hurt by contact. 

A relationship with someone with BPD is truly a "loaded" relationship.  Most relationship as they end will dwindle down to a mutual separation... . you have had the chance to detach slowly.  The grieving is allowed time to be processed.  In a relationship with someone with BPD either they love you one minute and drop you the next, or they pressure you to the extent that you have to let go for your own health.  There is not much time to detach, if any.

I was very lucky and found this website at the beginning of my last recycle.  I was in staying for nearly 8 month trying to do all the right things to make it work.

When he ended things abruptly... . loved me one minute and dumped me literally 20 seconds later, I was ok with it.  I knew that I had done all that I could and it just didnt work. I was devalued to the point of not return, and I was tired of feeling like the victim all the time.

It has been 5 months since we separated.  I am so glad that we broke up.  The pressure in my chest, the panic attacks, the constant wondering how he was or what he is doing has lessened to the point where I simply wonder how he is, and then think about what I am going to cook for dinner.

We are not really dealing with good times vs bad.  We are dealing with fake personality based on their mirroring of you vs who they really are.

I allowed my ex to constantly criticize and demean me.  Never ever again will I allow someone to treat me this way.  When someone loves you, they will not want to tear you apart inside and out.  If we loved our selves, we would not allow it.

I really hope that you are feeling better this evening.  It is tough stuff to deal with.  Cut yourself some slack, and try to relax.  Nothing will be solved over night, and they dont have to be.  You deserve the time you need to heal...

You will cry, and then you will heal.  If you keep her out of your life, you will never cry the same again.

 Laelle

[MammaMia]

Mitchell

Stay strong.  She may be back to try to suck you in... . again.  Remember, people can only do to us what we allow them to do.

Take care of your own needs right now.  It is Mitchell Time!

[MammaMia]

Mitchell

oops.  My message posted twice.  Sorry.

[mitchell16]

thanks everyone for the great advice and encouregment. Today and tonight have been tough to say the least. Dont have many friends that can go out with or hang with. Most of my friends are ones I have had for a lifetime and they are all married with family of their own. most of them are friends I had from my previous marrige. Which when it broke up I started the relationship just a few months later. My exBPDgf never really got involved with my friends. from time to time she acted like she did but I felt like down deep it was just so she could cause problems between them and me. I thinks this becuase she for long time would always want my brother to come hang with us. She pretended it was becuase hes was going through a tough time in his life. something in my stomach didnt sit well with this, but on one occassion I did invite him. She got drunk and then started coming on to him I sw it with my own eyes. The next day I had left for any hour or so to run errands,and left them alone. when I got back she implied that he had came onto her. Which I didnt beleive. I think she wanted to drive a wedge between him and me and any other support system I had. she knew me and my brother are very close. and my some reason my best friend who always calls me and gets me to go places to get out of the house when she dumps me. She always wanted to try to be around him and his wife. I never allowed it because i didnt want a repeat of what happeend with my brother to happen with my best friend and cause him and his wife a divorce.

so all the people that I made friends with in the last 2.5 years or so ,are all hers. She has got them and I dont have anything.

writing all that helped me even more how I dont need her in my life anymore, but with that said Im very sad and lonely which will make a person weak. One minute your life is filled with the bests times or your fliied with misery of trying to fix whatever it was you done again. either way you feel like you have a purpose. when it stops its nice for a minute because your nerves are fried but then all of a sudden you feel like you have nothing.

The step with FB was somewhat of a big one. But I know in the past she has used it to get under my skin, she has admitted to it. I saw somethings in the last few days that she is building up to start using it, to hurt me or push me to react. Might be my imagination but I do know the signs, Ive been here before.

[Gaslit]

We are not really dealing with good times vs bad.  We are dealing with fake personality based on their mirroring of you vs who they really are.

This^

Props to Laelle.

[peas]

The pressure in my chest, the panic attacks, the constant wondering how he was or what he is doing has lessened to the point where I simply wonder how he is, and then think about what I am going to cook for dinner.

I can't wait to get to that point. It's still early-ish for me (six weeks), and I expect some relapsing into hard days where I will think about him more than others, but I can tell already the pain is dulling. It is definitely less profound than right after the breakup. I am on 33 days NC and about 20 days not looking him up online. 

This board has been a godsend. It's helping with my detachment by understanding my own story.

[laelle]

We are not really dealing with good times vs bad.  We are dealing with fake personality based on their mirroring of you vs who they really are.

This^

Props to Laelle.

The best times in your relationship with them was while they were mirroring you... .   The worst... . well that is who they really are.

It is a sideways compliment from them to you.  If only who they really are didnt get in the way. Oh... . it can be that way.  Leave and learn to appreciate the mirror you provided for them.  You are an awesome person.

[laelle]

The pressure in my chest, the panic attacks, the constant wondering how he was or what he is doing has lessened to the point where I simply wonder how he is, and then think about what I am going to cook for dinner.

I can't wait to get to that point. It's still early-ish for me (six weeks), and I expect some relapsing into hard days where I will think about him more than others, but I can tell already the pain is dulling. It is definitely less profound than right after the breakup. I am on 33 days NC and about 20 days not looking him up online. 

This board has been a godsend. It's helping with my detachment by understanding my own story.

Peas, that day will come, I promise you.  If you allow yourself to squirm, cry, shout, get angry... . go through all those feelings you need to go through, you will come to a point

where their is peace inside of you.  You are not responsible for their behavior, and you can not change them.  You can only take yourself out of the equation to "save yourself"  I cant think of a better person to save, can you?

 Laelle