Let's give ourselves a NC pat on the back

[peas]

Ok, so I'm totally missing my ex-uBPDbf. I think it's hard for me tonight because it's Friday, the start of a weekend I have to fill the time with, and I'm at home in front of the TV drinking a beer by myself. I don't have too many local friends (I moved cities for a job so I don't have a community here yet), and I'm missing my routine with my ex. I'm just imagining him having an outdoor barbecue with a new woman, having a good time with his friends back in my last town, hanging out at our local bar. Generally him being comfortable in his hometown life while I have to get used to new surroundings by myself. 

BUT, I just checked my texts and I have one month and two days no contact with him. He hurt me terribly when he broke up with me in usual BPD fashion: abrupt and nasty as he kicked me out of his life forever.

We are all dealing with bad breakups with pwBPD, but for those of us who are sticking to NC, let's give ourselves a pat on the back. This is a struggle but we take it day by day. I am proud of myself for not contacting him 33 days and counting.

How is your NC going? Good luck to you! 

[mitchell16]

well mine is going. I had conact with her through work this week. prior to this contact I havent repsonded to anything personal but I had to work text which she knew I would. But what she texted me could have been answered by 100 other people. So i figured it was just a probe to see how I would respond but also if I ignored her through work she could complain about me so either waqy it a win win for her. Im struggling to day with nC but im still hanging in. I wish I coudl say it gets esaier I made it two months before but the NC got easier but the missing her hadnt at that time. I hoping I can make it stick this time, I so need to get on with my life for the better.

[Gaslit]

Enjoy your beers and TV peas! Relax knowing you can relax. It's Your weekend!

[peas]

Relax knowing you can relax.

Heh heh! Thank you, Gaslit. 

Fridays are hard right now because when we were together it's the day I would head back to the hometown to be with him for the weekend. 

Yep, no more walking on eggshells. I remember the anxiety I would feel heading into the weekend and wondering if it would be a good visit or a bad visit with my BPDbf. There was always a 50/50 chance it would be a horror show.

[alonebuthappy]

Pat pat... . it's real tough for me, as child is involved.  38 days LC (have no personal contact), all contact is email only, which I directed and she attempts to break every 2nd or 3rd day.

All in all I am happy with the progression, wish her luck in her reality, but I am all the wiser!

I am blessed to have known her, she is my professor of what I do not want in a significant other, unfortunately it took 17 years and 3 recycles to awake me... . but I am awake now and living for tomorrow, as yesterday is yrsterday!

[Bananas]

Cheers peas!  I am at home alone on a Friday too, having a glass of wine.

I am on LC only because I work with my ex and I only communicate with him if it is work related and I absolutely have to.  I changed my schedule around and have not seen or had any communication with  him for 22 days which is a record since we met almost 3 years ago.  This is the strongest I have felt in awhile.

Stay strong... . 33 days, awesome!

[Emelie Emelie]

Broke up six weeks ago... . 8 days of NC for me. Really struggled the last two nights. Out of town and lonely. But with the help of you all I made it... . so yeah... . let's give ourselves a pat on the back. Of course the flip side is he's gone 8 days without contacting me either. And that hurts a lot.

[So hurt]

I too am in NC. I am better off for it. I tried for 4 months to be a good and decent person after finding out about his affairs with other women and his smear campaign about me. He wouldn't respond to kindness and love. He took my efforts to be decent and kicked my teeth down my throat. Whenever there was contact it was always nasty, blaming and bashing. I really believed it was all my fault. he showed no remorse for his behavior and betrayl, only blame on me.

He said things to be I never thought possible of him. The monster in him came alive. It is soo hard to stop loving and caring for a man that could care less about me. his family, our family and anyone that could hold him accountable.

There is relief in NC. No more blaming me and listening to his assaults on me about my weight and loves ones. I took care of a dear friend of mine who was dying of cancer. I had to make the decision to take him off of life support. It broke my heart. Then my ex accused me of sleeping with him. Another wound to the heart.

NC has afforded me the  chance to heal and get perspective of his BPD and how cruel he really is. I won' deal with his cruelty or lies anymore. I am better off for it but it still hurts so much. I miss the man I married, he has died. I don't miss the monster hade become. NC made me realize how rotten and sick he really is.

[peas]

So Hurt, this:

There is relief in NC. No more blaming me and listening to his assaults on me about my weight and loves ones.

You are right. There is big relief in NC. I tend to forget that because my ego gets caught up in why he hasn't contacted me  -- we're both NC for 33 days so far. I forget that when he and I were together I would get anxious when I heard from him. I would hold my breath when he called or texted because I didn't know if he would be irrationally mad at me and calling to break up out of nowhere, or if he was calling to say something nice. That's how I lived my life with the exBPDbf. And my last contact with him during the breakup was especially brutal. Oh the things he said to tear me down.

Cheers peas! I am at home alone on a Friday too, having a glass of wine.

Enjoy the wine, Bananas. Fridays at home aren't so bad.

[HealingSlowly]

yay for pats on our backs. NC for over two months... . the weekends are still hard, though not as brutal. And yet still hard... . easy to remember the good and feel so bad... . But more and more the good has been replaced by the brutal - even the so-called good that couldn't be touched is now tainted... . Breathing... . and have made plans for tomorrow to get out and now feel this on Saturday too! Happy weekend!

[HealingSlowly]

i meant made plans for Sat so as to NOT to feel the weekend stuff or get sucked into that space!

[DeRetour]

Peas,

Kudos to you for sticking to NC for 33 days. We're both at about the same point in NC - a month! That takes some willpower. Yes, I know what you mean about the Friday night sadness. You are certainly not alone there. I've been feeling it all evening, especially earlier while walking among all these secure-looking couples holding hands,  and being happy together. Ughh. No need to continue that thought. I've been posting a lot recently on the challenges of NC, so I won't go into detail on this thread.

How am I dealing with this? I'm spending tonight alone as well. Maybe I'll go out and take a quick drive to the beach, just to get some of that salt air. Then I'll come back home and do a little reading. Maybe I'll take a warm bath later. I'll do what I can and enjoy things. You put it really well: no more walking on eggshells, wondering if the weekend will be a good one or a bad one. None of that drama! Hang in there and stay strong.

And to everyone else that's working on NC or LC, remember that every day that passes is one more day invested in your personal growth. Stay strong, stay strong!

deRetour

[Trick1004]

I've had a couple rounds of NC so far. The first lasted about four weeks and things were going fairly well for me. It ended when I was out at bar a couple blocks from my house with my brother and she walked around the corner, saw the two of us standing out front smoking and turned back around and walked away. She sent a couple texts to me that night wondering how long I was going to be there and after awhile that she was just going home. I didn't respond to either one.

After a couple days I was running that night through my head and it pissed me off, like she expected me to hang out with her or go home so she could hang out there when there are hundreds of other bars in the city she could go to. I sent her a text (wish I hadn't, have since deleted her number from my phone) saying how I felt about it and we exchanged a few further ones that same day, until I realized that text conversation wasn't going anywhere and stopped replying back.

Anyway, since then it has been another two weeks of NC and ya, it does get easier!

[emotionaholic]

6 weeks today and I feel almost like myself again.  I do think about her everyday, but the anxiety of her calling or running into her is dissipating.  I actually feel really good.  School starts in a few weeks and our kids are in the same class so NC is not going to work for much longer.  At first I was furious at her for not getting in touch with me and was at a depression anxiety low around a month out.  That has passed and been replaced by exercise, work, friends, family and I had a date last week (its not going anywhere but felt good to get out there.)

Yesterday her ex husband called me to get my opinion and input about something malicious she did to him.  I talked to him for about an hour and did my best to explain the dynamics of BPD and why she is acting out the way she is.  Everything I have been reading and learning here is becoming so clear.  I ended the conversation relieved that I am no longer the backlash of her eternal internal pain.  And from the sounds of it she is in a lot of agonizing pain right now.  I think she knows that she through away the best thing that ever happened to her, me.

Those of you struggling with NC let me tell you it does get better and lots better.  Being able to detach has replaced the instability, anxiety, and eggshells with clarity, strength, and freedom.  I have survived the perpetual train wreck called BPD and managed to walk away instead of die an long agonizing emotional death.

[peas]

Being able to detach has replaced the instability, anxiety, and eggshells with clarity, strength, and freedom.

Getting there is just soo hard. Maybe that's nature's way of keeping humans committed. If we didn't have that breakup pain, we'd be one big hook-up society. But when bonds break, we are also equipped with the strength to work and live through loss.

6 weeks today and I feel almost like myself again.  I do think about her everyday, but the anxiety of her calling or running into her is dissipating.

Woo hoo! I love reading when people say they start feeling like themselves again. And yes, I think about my ex everyday too. But the pain, longing and betrayal isn't as sharp as the day before. This morning I woke up on shaky ground, really ruminating about the illusions he and I created of a happy future, but I'm trying to shake it off today. I'm focused on tomorrow.

Isn't if funny as we get older we want time to slow down? Not in this case. I want time to pass quickly. 

And to everyone else that's working on NC or LC, remember that every day that passes is one more day invested in your personal growth. Stay strong, stay strong!

Exactly. I have slowly started daydreaming again about personal interests. I find when I think about a lifelong dream, for instance my fantasy about making a documentary film, my mind goes away from the ex. In those moments I am somewhere else -- somewhere good.

[emotionaholic]

Yes Peas getting there is soo hard.  Two weeks ago I had a complete meltdown in the T office.  I don't even want to think of how much I paid to let someone watch me cry for an hour.  But that turned out to be my low point and turning point.  I had barley been able to go to work, had been locked up in my house for a month in utter pain an regret.  I took my life back that day, it also happened to be our 3 year anniversary that day.  I almost cracked and called her to tell her I missed her but instead took a long walk then called all my friends that I had distanced myself from during this relationship and made plans for every night for the next week then took another walk.  I have actually been exercising almost every day and I think that is the best thing in my recovery.  I imagine every day what it would be like to be in a relationship where I don't have to walk on eggshells where I am listened to and respected where I don't live in fear of BPD craziness and where I know that the love is real.  I am going to find that.

[Emelie Emelie]

All I do I'm my T's office is cry!  I'm with you on that one. And the weekends are the worst. We broke up six weeks ago and it's now been just over a week of no contact. It's killing me not to check in with him then I remember he hasn't contacted me either. Me contacting him will only set me up

To be abandoned all over again. Which is exactly how I felt the last two

Times I saw him. F this hurts.

[peas]

Emelie and Emotionalholic, I burst into tears during my first therapist appointment, which I scheduled two weeks after the BPD breakup. I hadn't even gotten to know her yet and the floodgates opened. What a release.

I also have found myself crying in my car driving to get lunch, on my way home, doing errands. For a few days when the breakup was becoming a reality I had to escape to the women's room at work to cry.

The crying is good, for me, because it is bringing clarity to my situation. I am mourning much bigger things than the breakup. The r/s and what I went through, how it tested me, and how it ended has brought up some major questions about where I am in life and what I want my life to be. And that's good because it is prompting me to reconsider some priorities.