Tips on detaching from your BPD ex?

[Hollygoeslightly]

I know I need to completely detach from my BPD ex. I am almost there. Any tips on fully detaching and learning why I was attracted to him in the first place?

What questions should I be asking myself?

What actions should I be taking?

[Trick1004]

The only question you need to ask yourself is; how you wound up in the r/s in the first place?

This is the core question we all need to ask ourselves. It takes a lot of looking deep to realize that something is also off with us to put up with a BPD's behavior.

As far as actions. I would say keep with NC and rediscover who you were before meeting the ex. Deploy the energy you used to spend on the ex into positive things that you enjoy and keep moving forward.

[Undone123]

Mindfulness - I keep banging on about it. But it helps, in helping you identify your true feelings... . When my ex first broke up with me I was in a world of pain. Such confussion. Depression, anxiety. It's a horrible place where most of us nons end up. But mindfulness is a great tool to deal with stress etc.

[Moonie75]

I've only just discovered mindfulness in the last few days. I'm working hard on it & really dep down do have faith in it all, as it makes so much sense. But like anything new it's a learning curve & takes time to get the hang of. Struggling this weekend but still hoping to get better at managing my thoughts & feelings with the tools of 'wise mind' and similar practices.

All seemed a bit 'new age' to me at first but then after thinking more about it I couldn't think of anything about it that didn't make perfect sense.

[Undone123]

I've only just discovered mindfulness in the last few days. I'm working hard on it & really dep down do have faith in it all, as it makes so much sense. But like anything new it's a learning curve & takes time to get the hang of. Struggling this weekend but still hoping to get better at managing my thoughts & feelings with the tools of 'wise mind' and similar practices.

All seemed a bit 'new age' to me at first but then after thinking more about it I couldn't think of anything about it that didn't make perfect sense.

Wise mind is very good! I wish I just new this before!

[musicfan42]

I think what has helped me is just giving it time... simple but true. You recover from a relationship break-up in stages... there is a type of mourning period/grieving process that you go through and eventually you come to a type of acceptance really. Not that you forget it but that it no longer has the same type of hold on you-that it doesn't upset/trigger you when you think of it and that you can think about logically as opposed to being plunged into an intense negative emotion such as sadness. As I mentioned before, it takes time to reach this stage... it's like putting a jigsaw together... it takes time to put all the pieces together so just take it one step at a time and know that you WILL get there in time! 

[eeyore]

Things to detach (that I would do):

1.  Hit the craft store and do a new craft.  Maybe sew something like my next Halloween costume

2.  Post a lot and try to help others here on the message board

3.  Catch up with old friends.

4.  Organize my home/clean out closets/get rid of "stuff"

5.  Retail Therapy (Shopping)

6.  Beach

7.  Work extra

8.  Read a book

9.  Set some new goals

10.  Exercise

Can you think of some things for yourself. 

[Undine]

I think posting and reading other posts on this site helps. The way I have always detached is to give up control. This is actually a lot harder than it sounds. One way that is really necessary for giving up control is no contact. And giving all the thoughts and wishes and ruminations to the universe helps too. I also tried to allow myself to feel everything I need to feel without trying to hang on to it. Taking good care of myself & doing things that I didn't get to do when I was in the r/s helps me too. One question you might want to ask is if you are codependent or not. They say that this type of person is more likely to be in a r/s with a pwBPD. In my case this was true. Do you have alcoholism or other addictions in the family? There are 12 step groups that can help a great deal if any of that is true. I hope you feel better soon!