My exuBPDgf's perception of cheating

[nyfit1]

Broke up with my uBPDgf 4 days ago. Our relationship was a bit unique so search my past posts if interested. I broke it off because of trust issues. She always had a funny perception of what dating other guys meant. Last September we went through a tough patch and I said if u want to date other guys say so and we'll just go back to being friends. She swore to me that she didn't. We fought that night and I thought we were through. The next day she acted as if nothing was wrong. At this point in time I had no ideas what BPD was. Just knew she acted odd at times. My gut just said why is she so happy and content after 24 hours. Long story short I searched a few dating sites and found her there. This is after she told me I was the only one she has ever loved and that I was everything to her. Loved me more than her 2 children.

I called her on it and she lied. When I showed her site she said it was old. When I pointed out that the pic was from 7 days ago and I took it she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then she said she didn't lie. She said she was truthful when she said she didn't want to date. Her reasoning was she wanted me but we were unstable and she was forced to do it. What is that?

Should have stayed away from her after that but I didn't. She told me that dating other guys means nothing to her. She called it a game. She said she needed a distraction from me. I told her what happens if the guy falls in love with u. She said she doesn't care and she would always break up with anyone cause she wants me. I said then what is the point in leading him on? Hang with your gfs. She said dating was meaningless and it takes too long to get to know someone.

She got mad at me cause I said I wouldn't try to break up her and any new guy she was dating. She was like you won't even fight for me? I said that I wouldn't do that to the guy that likes her. She couldn't understand this. I guess she really sees guys and people as objects.

She really values me. She considers me very good looking, talented, successful and has called me the perfect guy. She admitted to idolizing me at our workplace. She said no guy can compare to me and she would leave anyone for me.

We tried being friendly last fall as she dated guys. I had one request for her. I asked please don't text with me and your other guys simultaneously. Say goodnight to me and then do what u want. Told her this was to protect my ego. Needless to say, I caught her texting me and other guys at same time. I said how can u tell me you love me more than anything and at the same time compliment another guy on his body and setup a date. She said that I don't understand what it's like for her. Again said it means nothing to her.

Can someone please explain this to me? I'm begging to understand. I know I had every right to blast into her and leave her but now I feel guilty. If any other woman would have done this I would be gone no question. She really did a number on me. She wanted to know how I could be so mean to her and hurt her.

Someone please help me.

[eternity75]

Hi nyfit... .

I'm dealing with the same questions only it's a guy in my case, not a girl

I get the same thing. I'm the only one he loves, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I'm the reason he wants to stay here in this country (he came on a work visa and planned on staying a year but now wants residency), I am the only woman he's ever trusted etc etc.

I caught him on the dating site we met on several times. He then tried creating a new profile with a new name and I caught that one too. He texts and messages other women constantly. He will tell me he's tired and needs to go to bed because he has to be up early, but then spends another 2-3 hours texting other women or messaging them on facebook.

I broke it off 6 days ago with him. I had decided already I needed to end it... . I couldn't take constantly sharing him with other women and feeling discarded in the process while getting mixed messages about how much he loves me and wants a future with me. We talked on the phone for an hour and a half and by the end of it he had convinced me I was making a mistake and I stayed (again). Less than an hour later he was searching for escorts online for his upcoming trip back to Mexico. At that point I sent him some texts and ended it.

He refused for the first few days to change his profile picture on FB... . it was a pic of us together. He still messages me daily saying he loves me, misses me, asking if this is my final decision, saying everything is in my hands, he doesn't want to hurt me, he can't imagine his life without me etc. He still has relationship status as "in a relationship. Surprising to me being that getting him to the point of actually admitting it to other people was a constant battle and worse than pulling teeth. Now he won't change it back.

I too have questioned why why why... . why if he says he loves me so much and I'm the only one for him... . why does he need these other women to constantly flirt with etc. I said to him early on that I think he needs them to make himself feel validated and worthy. I think he's addicted to the admiration. That is the only possible explanation I have.

I question myself for ending things. I have a logical side that says this goes against my values in a relationship and is not something I can live with. Plus reading other's posts on here about how quickly they were discarded as soon as their pw BPD fell "in love" with someone else has made me realize I don't want to spend more time investing myself in this relationship only to end up tossed out like yesterdays trash.

I don't have a good answer for you to explain the why to you. But hopefully you will see you are not alone in your confusion.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine used other guys and sex, or withholding sex, as an attempt to control me and increase her own perception of value in her mind as well as mine.  Remember BPD's don't think very highly of themselves, so if they can manipulate a partner into a frenzy trying to be the 'only one', they get a nice ego boost and sense of self worth, not internally mind you, but from your reaction; if he or she is going crazy trying to keep me, I must matter.

And remember, don't trust the words, trust the actions; a BPD will say whatever crosses their mind in the moment in an attempt to further their immediate agenda, without considering the long term implications.  A partner who really cares about us considers our feelings, is concerned about us, wants to help us, communicates honestly and openly with us, does not lie to us, and is emotionally available.  Ask yourself: does your gal meet that criteria?

A BPD has never formed an autonomous self, so attaching to people is literally life or death to them, so they get very good at it, as well as the manipulation required to keep you.  Very hard to see when you're enmeshed in it, but research the traits of a healthy relationship and see how many of those traits are present in yours; if it's anything like mine, not a single trait is present.

[Just Stumbling Along]

This is only from my experience of being married for almost 20 years to uBPDw.  I didn't know anything about PD and didn't know about the cheating and lying while we were together.  Found out and figured it all out later.  She was extremely deceptive.

Why stay?  In the early stages, she mirrored to me.  She was able to "become"  the person that I had always wanted to be with.  She told me her values, beliefs, thoughts, what she wanted, etc.  "OMG, she is just like me."  "Soulmates"

She got everything that I believe is good, decent, admirable and showed that to me as the person that she is.  ALL False.  She does the same thing with everyone that she meets.

Her "feelings"  pwBPD can't regulate feelings.  When she is with you, you are the greatest, she loves you more than anyone, she feels great being with you, No one else means anything to her.   BUT when she is with some one else; they are the greatest, she loves them more than anyone, she feels great being with them, No one else means anything to her.  It is all in the moment.  Somehow, and I have never been able to get a handle on this part; she can be with me, things are wonderful, she loves me more than anything... . walk out the door, go to lover's place, have sex, things are wonderful, loves them more than anything, come home, things are wonderful, etc.  No guilt, no problem, doesn't see a conflict, able to lie and act like nothing happened.

The extremely hard truth for me to accept was that NOTHING in all 20 years was ever true.  Whatever she said or did, was in that moment only and I was involved only in that I happened to be there at that time.

When a Non is dealing with a pwBPD nothing makes sense!  You have beliefs, values, norms.  You see the world and operate from a rational point of view.  They don't.  It is like trying to deal with a person from another planet.

[nyfit1]

Ty guys for replying. I'm sorry to hear u suffer as well but it is comforting to know I'm not crazy. Other people think my ex is the sweetest, most loving, caring person in the world. No one sees her other side. It's still tough for me to accept it. I sometimes feel like I'm lying to myself about her just to feel better bout the situation. She just comes off so loyal and trust worthy. That was her mantra in the beginning that she never lies and is always faithful. Said it all the time.

I can see how they live in the moment and can feel they love the person they are with but my question is, why can't that just be one person? If I am truly all these things to her then why look elsewhere? Shouldn't I be enough validate her emptiness? Especially when she tells me she doesn't deserve a great guy like me, etc, etc?

[Just Stumbling Along]

nyFit,

You will make yourself crazy with that Why.  pwBPD act the way that they do because of the BPD.  Something happened sometime and she developed BPD.  She wants you and draws you in, then she is engulfed and pushes you away.  All very complicated and no fix for it.  She has to engage in self destructive behaviors and has to engage in self defeating behaviors (things that will obstruct getting what she wants)

Like I said before, none of it makes sense to a non.  She is BPD and does what she does for whatever reason (or lack thereof) that she does it.  I spent months in agony, mostly trying to understand WHY.  Finally kind of realized that there is no why, it is what it is.  Not much help, certainly no relief.  Probably a large part of the intense pain for a Non, and the difficulty detaching.  Being with her in the "good" times was so right, so good, so satisfying; other times completely irrational.  I spent 20 years with mine.  mostly confused.  I "knew" that she was this person (values, beliefs, feelings) and she spent great time and effort to convince me, and continued (so earnestly) to convince me that she was that person.  Then how could "that person" do this, say that, etc.  My life was constant chaos and confusion.  We finally separated, actually she kicked me to the curb when I was no longer of use to her.  18 months of anguish and the worst emotional pain that I have ever felt.  Now I am filled with anger and resentment.  Trying to find a way to release that and learn to forgive.  I learned that the "person that I know she is" never existed.  Just a character she created from my thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs.  I did learn that there is no reason.  There is nothing that I could have done.  Nothing that I failed to do for her.  No way that I could have been "better" for her or treated her "better".  She cheats and lies because that is how she gets through life for unknown reasons.  Alcoholics drink, Drug users use drugs (she did that too), she cheats and lies.  She blames everyone else for everything.  She creates chaos and acts impulsively.  She lied about everything.  She would come up with crazy lies when the truth would have worked better.

So, WHY?  My friend, try not to go there.  Why is the path to the 9th level of Hell.  Wishing you and all the best.

[GreenMango]

I called her on it and she lied. When I showed her site she said it was old. When I pointed out that the pic was from 7 days ago and I took it she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then she said she didn't lie. She said she was truthful when she said she didn't want to date. Her reasoning was she wanted me but we were unstable and she was forced to do it. What is that?

Emotional reasoning.  It doesn't make sense because it is based on emotions.

The things she said about love and jealousy let you know how it works for her.  Doesn't sound like it works for you.