Enabling

[Chunkybeah]

Hello-

Hope everyone is finding their own peace of mind. I am a classic enabler- I am so much better at staying,"yes," than ,"no," ... . Any advice on how to stop being such a people pleaser, especially to people with BPD who really need to hear the word ,"no," often?

[Clearmind]

Chunky, I would say yes to all in sundry! Partly, because I did not show myself self respect and believe that my time was not as valuable or valued as much as others and I was conditioned as a child to be the "good girl".

We need to first understand where people pleasing comes from. There is a price for being "nice" rather than assertive. Assertive people are respected. Nice people tend to resent others for having to please all the time.

If in doubt I would say "Let me think about that and I will get back to you". Give you some space to process what someone is asking you to do and see whether it fits with what you want.

The should "I should be available for everyone else" is a mantra worth getting past - and to do that we need to relinquish some childhood conditioning of what we were prescribed to do as kids. We are adults now and not kids... . you have privileges and the biggest privilege is the right to say "No" whenever you choose.

[GeekyGirl]

Like you and Clearmind, I've also been conditioned to be a people pleaser. It's so hard to break away from that behavior!

What has helped me is, like Clearmind, to understand why I needed that approval so badly. That really comes from self-reflection and working on self-esteem.

Once you have a good understanding of why you feel like you can't say "no," you can work on boundaries and setting them when it's appropriate. I had to learn this in my career and as a parent--there's no way I can say "yes," all the time. While it's important to set boundaries, it's equally important to explain them to people in a way that's respectful, which is where SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) comes in. You can say "no," in a way that shows empathy.

What do you think is behind your need to be a people pleaser?

[Chunkybeah]

Thanks for the great feedback! I think behind the veil of me always saying yes comes a place of not wanting conflict, or angry eruptions. Ironically, when I do say no or become assertive to someone, they are totally taken aback and often times it turns out pretty ugly because they are not used to me doing that. It has happened with friends, roommates, even recently my stepmother, who I felt was trying to control my whole wedding, and when I nicely pointed out that it was my day, and I wanted some say in things, she went nuts. She hung up on me, a d told me- the hell with this- and sent me an email that basically wrote me off. I should include in the details so u can get a picture that she is paying for the wedding, and my dad passed 3 yrs ago, so I am sure she is dealing with issues of her own, but I want to plan my own menu, dammit ! Lol

Additionally, I am a massage therapist, whose career is built on making people feel better, and I also have a hospitality background, which is all about people pleasing.

So, there u have it. Any tips on how to make asserting oneself not so scary ?

[eeyore]

If in doubt I would say "Let me think about that and I will get back to you". Give you some space to process what someone is asking you to do and see whether it fits with what you want.

I recently tried this. Saying I think we don't have to make a decision today.  So give me a bit of time.  Then I said my initial gut thoughts are to say no.  I then got badgered with the question.  I said the same thing as there was no need for an immediate decision.

Later I was told that I wasn't clear or truthful about my NO because I wasn't assertive about it and then a conflict ensued.  Which is why I tempered my decision with the above answer.  At this time there is still not a need for a decision on the question but he has to know now.  And so now the answer is NO and it's not the answer he wanted.  So he's disappointed in me.  Frankly I'm disappointed that he would even bring up the absurd question as I feel he should already know the right answer.   

My point is if you are truly in doubt as Surina suggests then it's a good response however if it's used as a conflict avoidance it doesn't work because the conflict is most likely already exists. 

[caughtnreleased]

interesting thread! I agree that giving it a bit of time might be best. My people pleasing sister recently tried to draw me into solving a conflict started by my uBPD mom. I told her it could wait.  My sister agreed, as if it was something she'd never considered, went back to her life, and then with some perspective decided it probably was not necessary for us to get involved.

... . Any advice on how to stop being such a people pleaser, especially to people with BPD who really need to hear the word ,"no," often?

Just curious about this: does telling them "no" do them good?

[Chunkybeah]

Excellent feedback! I also wonder how many of you find that other relatives that do not have BPD, often enable in other ways for the behavior of the person with BPD. For example, common phrases I have heard often is,"that's just how she is, " or blaming in laws or the fact that my sister was adopted and my parents got divorced on her behavior. It makes me crazy!

I guess I am looking for validation from other family members to acknowledge that the behavior is not normal or acceptable.