I set a deadline for the silence treatment

[Jonie]

Just now I send my pwBPD the message that I need to know what's going on before the end of the week - and it's such a relief!

Recap: after a row in February, my pwBPD refused to see me. He needed ‘time and space’ promised me a letter, but never sent me one. His life was a huge mess and I think he wasn’t able to handel a row with me on top of that. We met at a family occasion in May and it was apparent that he still loved me very much. Apart from some incidental texts messages, I never saw him again. I sent him texts regularly, wishing him well, inviting him over for dinner, just neutral things, but when I did get an answer, it was “Sorry, not up to it yet”. When I tried with more pressure – announcing I would come by, or pressing him to let me know what was going on – no success either... . So, is he trying to get his life back so that he feels more comfortable to reconnect or is he trying to silence me to death, hoping I’ll just go away so that he can be the victim (“all women flee from me”)?

Well, many of you have experienced how very agonising and devastating that is! And it has been going on for 6 months now! The incidental sparkles of hope he gave me made it impossible for me to give it up. Also because everyone else told me how important I was to him. But most of all because I don’t want this relationship to end: despite his horrible and destructive behaviour, I still value what he adds to my life (well, not in this situation, clearly!). It is a positive choice to stay with him – really thought about that long and hard.

I had set deadline in my mind some time ago, it’s so unfair, egotistical and cruel to keep me in the dark this long... . ! I’ts on my mind con-stant-ly. When I wake up in the morning, far too early, it’s like a switch is turned on. I check my mail several times a day, my heart jumps when my phone bleeps, I keep checking his FB – all to get an answer somehow. His FB shows no signs of a new love, but I can see that he is not active on FB for days, whereas he has been addicted to it the last 2 years, it used to be his whole life: what is so important now that keeps him from FB’ing? I feel depressed, dead tired, angry, sad, can’t concentrate, and it has been soo long since I’ve had a good time... .    

I planned the deadline for after the Summer periode, when he would have had the chance to relax a bit and maybe see things more clearly. I had wanted to wait one week more: my birthday is coming up, our new season will begin, another important family occasion is coming up – perhaps any of this would wake him up.

But this morning I decided to send my message today. Just got too fed up, couldn’t stand to wait for another week. So even if the timing may be completely wrong, I sent it. I told him to let me know by the end of the week if he still hopes to reconnect or that he wants to end things.

I’m very happy with the way I stated my message: short but saying-it-all, validating both for him and for me, showing both my love for him and my boundaries, and with a very clear message about what I need from him.

It’s a huge relief to know that I will have an answer by the end of the week, one way or the other.

But most important of all: now I’ve (finally!) reached the point that I can say that I’ve done really everything I could do to save the love that we have (had?). If I get the message it’s over, it will be so much easier to deal with it. I’m so glad I gave myself the chance to reach this point and not jump into a break earlier, despite what other people said.

[Scout99]

Dear Jonie!

I know what a tough desicion this hase been for you. So I just want to let you know how strong I think it is of you to have finally done it! 

I truly form the bottom of my heart wish you all the best. And feel confident that no matter what his response will be, you are making a lot of progress in standing up for yourself! And that no matter what happens now, will open up new doors for your future!

Well done girl! You rock! 

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Moonie75]

With all due respect & wishing you no further upset... . You've reached out to him however you look at it. It's an ego feeder, so don't be surprised if you don't get an answer or reply this week. It's a game BPD sufferers love to play.

I sincerely hope you get your answer this week, but stay realistic with the possibility of a lack of response! They speak when THEY decide to & rarely when we demand it.

That said, Good Luck

[123Phoebe]

Hi Jonie

I had set deadline in my mind some time ago, it’s so unfair, egotistical and cruel to keep me in the dark this long... . ! I’ts on my mind con-stant-ly. When I wake up in the morning, far too early, it’s like a switch is turned on. I check my mail several times a day, my heart jumps when my phone bleeps, I keep checking his FB – all to get an answer somehow. His FB shows no signs of a new love, but I can see that he is not active on FB for days, whereas he has been addicted to it the last 2 years, it used to be his whole life: what is so important now that keeps him from FB’ing? I feel depressed, dead tired, angry, sad, can’t concentrate, and it has been soo long since I’ve had a good time... .    

Ugh, this sort of thing has gone on with me, too.  I've since learned to read people's 'actions', not their words so much, especially when coping with a person with a personality disorder.  Otherwise, do their words and actions match?

I had to get super honest with myself. 

What are this person's actions conveying to me?  Are they being cruel or do I have my own blinders on?  Am I living on hopes and dreams?  Where's the reality of the situation?

I hope you feel better putting final closure to a long drawn out affair... . And that you're sincerely ready to take back your life! 

[Littleopener]

. Apart from some incidental texts messages, I never saw him again. I sent him texts regularly, wishing him well, inviting him over for dinner, just neutral things, but when I did get an answer, it was “Sorry, not up to it yet”. When I tried with more pressure – announcing I would come by, or pressing him to let me know what was going on – no success either... . So, is he trying to get his life back so that he feels more comfortable to reconnect or is he trying to silence me to death, hoping I’ll just go away so that he can be the victim (“all women flee from me”)?

Well, many of you have experienced how very agonising and devastating that is! And it has been going on for 6 months now! The incidental sparkles of hope he gave me made it impossible for me to give it up. Also because everyone else told me how important I was to him. But most of all because I don’t want this relationship to end: despite his horrible and destructive behaviour, I still value what he adds to my life (well, not in this situation, clearly!). It is a positive choice to stay with him – really thought about that long and hard.

This could've been written by me. I really hope you get something back. Sadly I'm not strong enough to do what you did just yet, but you inspire me.

[Clearmind]

Jonie, I think what you have done is a good thing for you. This is not about your partner at all - you need to start to protect yourself.

If you get a message that your partner wants to work on things - what would need to change? What changes do you need to make?

[isseeu]

Jonie,

I am inspired by what you have done and hope that you find the peace and the resolution to this that you deserve. You put a lot of caring thought... . and TIME ... . into this decision and you owe it to yourself to either walk through or close this door so you can move on, one way or the other.   

I wish I was there with my situation.  I just finished 6 weeks of silence from my ex(?) uBPD, except for a few non-personal texts at the beginning.  He doesn't respond to anything now so I've stopped (day 6 for me yay!). 

We're here for you-please keep us posted about how the week is going ok?  I know you must be listening closely for those little pings on your phone, email notifications, looking in the mailbox for the elusive letter... . it's so hard.  But you're taking back your life!

thinking about you... .

[Jonie]

Hi guys, thanks for your support!

Taking the decision to set a deadline wasn’t hard; and although I very much dread a negative outcome, I wasn’t afraid to do so. Actually it was all the waiting and struggling in the past months before I could set a deadline, that was so tough. I had wanted to put deadlines earlier on, but refrained from doing so, because I needed to give me/him/us another chance... . And I have been thinking a lot about the how and when, as I wanted a valid reply on his position. I knew that when I put the question the wrong way or in the wrong moment, I would get a false answer, to both our loss.

Littleopener and Isseeu, it’s about reaching the moment that you’re able to give up hope. It will come when you’ve felt that you have used every single opportunity and that there is really nothing else you can do. No one else can tell you when that moment should come, and you shouldn’t force yourself to it either. At the same time you should be honest with yourself, keep checking if you hold on to this relationship out of strenght or our of weakness.

Moonie, I don’t think he will not reply. If he does, that will be the end of it and I won’t contact him again. I haven’t stated that explicitely in my message, but I did make it clear that this is urgent to me. Chances are, though, that he gives me an answer that is vague and of no use to me. That will not be because he wants to be in control, but because he is still in turmoil and doesn’t know what he wants. In that case, I will tell him again I need to hear either a, or b or c – with a day’s deadline.

Phoebe, your reply made me realise that I framed the part you highlighted the wrong way. You say you pay more attention to behaviour than to words with BPD-persons. Indeed you’re right in saying these often don’t match. That’s because both are based on (ever changing) feelings and emotions: they may feel like this for one moment and like that the other moment.

For me, it’s motivations that count most. Each BPD-person is different. Some may be controlling, manipulative, violent, but although my (ex?)bf can do horrible things, I really believe that he is not malignant by heart. I believe that when he does these things, it is because he is overwhelmed with fears or anxieties, feels threatend or hurt, or is in a psychotic state. So having written in my post that his behaviour is ‘unfair, egotistical and cruel’ is not correct, in the sense that I don’t believe that this was his intention.

,
 I understand how people can be crippled by their emotional states, how our actions may not at all reflect what is actually in our hearts. I’m so grateful for the (very very few) persons that saw through my negative behaviour, saw that there was a beautiful person deep down.

I can see this beautiful, loving and caring persons in my (ex?)bf as well. And how it is buried under so much pain, fears and misery. I am very much aware of the fact that this dark side will never go away and that if we do reconnect, it will never be a ‘normal, healthy’ relationship. But most of it has to do with expectations, and having been through this, I know even better now what not to expect from him. And there are so many very dear things I do have with him – and only with him. With these boards, the focus is (naturally) on the problems and the hurt, but the beautiful, valuable, happy and intense side is also there with BPD-persons - otherwise it would all be so easy  

So guys, you probably think I’m crazy after what I’ve been through, but I do still wish we will find our way back to each other. But since I’ve sent my message (or rather: done my last effort, reached out for the last time) it is much calmer now; I’ve reached the bottom of the pit and the desparation has gone.

[Scout99]

In my childhood I was in a depression for a very long time, and I can clearly remember how that was. It felt as if I had dropped off of a ship into the ocean, and the only thing I could do was trying to keep my head above the water, hoping to reach land somehow, somewhere, struggling to survive. I had no energy left for other people, although I did care for them. I felt so sorry I wasn’t any use to them, felt guilty over that, felt even worse about myself... . Well, I did manage to struggle myself out of the water, and it left me with a lot of valuable lessons. It’s this experience that makes me so lenient with my (ex?)bf, because I understand how people can be crippled by their emotional states, how our actions may not at all reflect what is actually in our hearts. I’m so grateful for the (very very few) persons that saw through my negative behaviour, saw that there was a beautiful person deep down.

I can see this beautiful, loving and caring persons in my (ex?)bf as well. And how it is buried under so much pain, fears and misery. I am very much aware of the fact that this dark side will never go away and that if we do reconnect, it will never be a ‘normal, healthy’ relationship. But most of it has to do with expectations, and having been through this, I know even better now what not to expect from him. And there are so many very dear things I do have with him – and only with him. With these boards, the focus is (naturally) on the problems and the hurt, but the beautiful, valuable, happy and intense side is also there with BPD-persons - otherwise it would all be so easy   

So guys, you probably think I’m crazy after what I’ve been through, but I do still wish we will find our way back to each other. But since I’ve sent my message (or rather: done my last effort, reached out for the last time) it is much calmer now; I’ve reached the bottom of the pit and the desparation has gone.

I believe you have arrived at some very insightful points here, Jonie!

And no, you are not crazy! And yes, these relationships are complicated and not just about either black or white thinking in them. Just as it shouldn't be about black or white for us either... . It is complicated.

And making these decisions is tough, really tough... . Because they are not all bad, just as we are not all good... .

I take comfort in the calm you feel right now. There will still be tough days ahead, no matter what or if he replies... . But at least now you can rest in the fact that you have done everything you can do. And from that place letting go becomes if not easy, so at least possible.

I'm with you girl!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[isseeu]

 Hi Jonie,

I've been thinking about you and wondering how your week is going. Have you heard back yet?

I feel like I'm dying a slow death with this silent treatment.  I'm on day 7 of N/C (well-from me... . he started it awhile ago). I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he may not be thinking about or even remembering me at all-and that I may never hear from him again.  Coming up on 7 weeks of not talking-seems like forever.

Let us know how you are when you get a chance... . ok? 

[dotSlash]

I feel like I'm dying a slow death with this silent treatment.  I'm on day 7 of N/C (well-from me... . he started it awhile ago). I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he may not be thinking about or even remembering me at all-and that I may never hear from him again.

I have recently been feeling this way as well. Approaching day 4 for me. At first I could not comprehend how someone, hours before raging and resorting to nc, was telling me how much they love and care about me. I have no doubt in my mind that she is not thinking about me positively whatsoever right now. It hurts, and there are constant reminders everywhere of the good times - the overly amazing times, where the other half of the BPD coin was up and she was treating me like the perfect guy she thought and said I was. My routine has been going to work, returning home, exercising, and then doing something to make myself happy, like going out with a friend or watching a movie. Eventually if she never contacts me again, I'll just accept it and move on. I try to remind myself that there is no sense in worrying about a situation that you can't do anything to improve.

[Jonie]

-

[isseeu]

Hi Jonie,

Boy, that's really hard.  Of course you would postpone your deadline-that makes compassionate sense.  The loss of two friends in such a short period of time would be tough for those of us who know how to navigate sorrow in a somewhat healthy way-much less someone who feels emotions in such extremes and lacks the ability to find comfort and work through them.  I'm sorry.

You will know when the time is right to remind him of your original ask.  Obviously-he hasn't forgotten about you. 

As for me, there I was celebrating 7 days of N/C... . well, that ended today.  I was out on my deck drinking coffee this morning before work and watching hummingbirds and its something we used to do together.  So I texted a message to let him know I thought about him this morning as I watched the hummingbirds-fully expecting no answer, and I wasn't disappointed... .   So then, I sent a text to his best friend again letting him know that I'm really struggling and that the silence was hell and asking him for insights.  To my surprise, the friend called me this evening.  It was a very sweet conversation.  He explained that they haven't discussed details about the break up.  He shared a few things about my ex's (?) past and reassured me how different I was.  He also gave me a little info about what exbf had been up to, which somehow was nice to know. I guess he's been dealing with a lot of back pain, which makes me sad.  Anyway, he didn't give me any reason to hold out hope or to give up but he did say that he would be happy to talk with me at any time-and to share any insights if they came up.  He also agreed that sharing our conversation would not be helpful-so I appreciated that.

At least I'm reassured that he's not smearing me to his best friend.  Beyond that-I don't know what I'm doing or how long I can handle this holding pattern.

Thank you for your kind inquiries about my sleep etc.  I am sleeping a bit better most nights and I have amazing friends and family who are absolutely there for me through this.  Don't know where I would be without them.  How about you? Are your friends and relatives providing much needed support?  I worry that I will burn mine out with this-but they reassure me to keep it coming for as long as I need to.  I tell ya, some day I'm going to throw the biggest "thanks for being there for me" party anybody has seen... .

Take care-you keep us posted too... .

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu,

Yeah, I know how impossible it is to refrain from contacting your bf when you’re feeling relaxed, loving, and these vivid memories come up... . ! I think you did the right thing in sending a simple, friendly text with no expectations.

Great that you could have a talk with this friend. Going through a period of no contact without knowing what’s going on is reallly tough; it can be difficult to maintain a clear view on things when your thoughs, emotions and imaginations are going wild. Although sharing your concerns with other people helps, it’s especially helpful if you can share them with someone who knows your bf personally and well. Not only for you, to gain more insight, but also for your bf: if he has a personal talk with this friend, this friend will be better able to ask the right questions, to give more valid advice, or to contradict possible false ideas.

I had talks with a couple we had been very close with, but that didn’t turn out well, long story. I wrote about that in another thread. Lets see if I can find out how to link to that... Well, it's called 'what about mutual friends' on this board.

As for my support network:  I have two great friends I contact several times a week; I can really pour my heart out with them – mostly by sms, but that’s ok. Many others know about the situation, (partly) understand and support me, but I don’t share much with them – I agree with you that it’s imporant not to burden them with continious stories of misery, even though they may invite you to do so. We can do that on this forum! My family isn’t helpful at all. I actually have a row with my brother for the first time in my life over this.

I had some sms-contact again with my (ex?)bf yesterday – on my birthday and the upcoming funeral. I’m happy that I succeeded in not getting any expectations.