How much is enough?

[Perfidy]

Hi people... Something has bothered me to the core from the very beginning of the relationship with my BPDexgf. It bothers me almost every single day and I know that I have my own issues but for the life of me I cannot explain why she did this. I can explain why I stayed with her but I have been struggling with that too.

We had been seeing one another for only a few weeks. We met a friend of mine at the neighborhood bar. We were sitting in the bar having our first drink. I was talking casually with my friend and she turned to me and spit right in my face. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't even talking with her or about her. The why I stayed with her: everybody take my inventory. Judge me. She was young and cute(sorta). I was attracted to her body more than

her mind. The relationship had barely begun. I didn't want it to end so quickly. I was not going to end it at the first signs of trouble.(she warned me that she was mentally ill). And yes... My own low self esteem that I will be in denial about. My codependent nature. This happened almost eight years ago and it haunts me every day.

I didn't get angry with her right away. It took years for that to happen. Later in the r/s when her behavior became more disrespectful I would recall that day.

Why did she spit in my face? I asked her when it happened. She said, "I dunno, I was drunk." She never really gave me an answer. She must have had more of a reason than because she was drunk. We weren't drunk. Hadn't even finished one drink. Was she testing me? Testing me to see how much crap I would put up with? Was she communicating her true feelings about me? Why?

[Learning_curve74]

Maybe it was a combination of all those things?

Once early in our r/s, my ex started hitting me in the head while we were drinking and then broke down crying. In my opinion, she started to hate me because she started to love me, and everybody she loved either hurt and/or abandoned her eventually. So I think she was letting out her feelings, testing me, and trying to drive me away before we became so enmeshed that the pain of abandonment would be so much more painful than if we broke it off early. 

[Surnia]

Perfidy

It can be a test, it can be that she didn't want you talking with a friend, drunk, whatever.

What is very clear for me, she had this moment no respect for you, not at all.

For me spitting is something very offending. Yes, this was a first sign of trouble, of big trouble.

My own low self esteem that I will be in denial about

You are not alone with this, and I think this could be a possible key why you have to think about the whole situation quite often.

[willtimeheal]

It's a tough question and  I don't know if there is a right answer to it. Here is my thought... . every BPD has there own reasons why they do what they do. I feel it is a spectrum disorder. That is why the degree of abuse seems to vary so much. Why some can see they have a problem and  others cannot. Maybe by telling you up front she was  mentally ill she felt it excused her  of all responsibility for her behavior. My ex BPD used to always hide behind the I was drunk or she would just have short and long term memory loss when it came to her abuse.

My thought on why they do what they do is this... . their life is in constant chaos and their inner demons are so strong and never give them rest. They are always struggling and feeling bad about themselves so in order to "feel good" it helps to have some one else feel as bad as they do... . I dont know if that makes sense.  But it is like if you can make some one more miserable  than you than at that moment your life doesn't seem so bad.

[Perfidy]

There's a lot more. This for example. Not long after we met she told me that she was mentally ill. I really didn't know how to take that. I didn't really believe her. She was also addicted to meth. Now, I am attempting to look in the mirror here and I would really like to have a lot of input. Would have anybody else stayed in this relationship for almost eight years?

[danley]

Spit in your face? Yeah. I probably would have had an instant disgust and wouldn't have talked to them anymore. There are all kinds of abuse. This is physically disrespectful. Others deal with psychological abuse. You put up with it for eight years because I gather you must have seen something good in her in addition to her body.

Dont be hard on yourself.

[Learning_curve74]

There's a lot more. This for example. Not long after we met she told me that she was mentally ill. I really didn't know how to take that. I didn't really believe her. She was also addicted to meth. Now, I am attempting to look in the mirror here and I would really like to have a lot of input. Would have anybody else stayed in this relationship for almost eight years?

Perfidy, there was obviously something about her that spoke to you such that you were willing to try and stay with her for so long. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you go to the staying or undecided boards, there are probably a lot of people who have stayed even longer enduring similar abuse and pain.

I don't know about you, but one of the reasons I didn't run away right off the bat is because one of my strengths is being patient and working hard, so I thought that it was just a matter of trying hard and hoping that I could use the things I learned here on the forums until she changed. I always gave my BPDex a "pass" because of her mental illness. I did it until I didn't like the person I was turning into and had to get away from her to find myself again. I am still heartbroken about this, but I have to accept it as the most honest choice I can make.

When we think we have met our "soulmate" it can be very hard to let that fantasy go. We either get dumped or hit rock bottom and dump them.

[Perfidy]

I understand. I always thought I was a very strong person having weathered divorce, death,disease... . all the d words. Indeed I felt as though she was my soulmate. It did seem as though we were made for each other. I was strong and very resourceful. She was weak and needy. She was very low functioning. Her attempts at wholeness were all failures. She was fired from every job she had. Every relationship she ever had she was dumped. She was so tiny and frail. I was the top guy in my field. Successful at everything. Skilled and smart. I had a lot to offer her. Seemed so unlikely a pair. In a way we were perfect for each other. She took care of my home and me and I took care of her. For it to end with us as phantoms in each others past is damn difficult to swallow.

[Clearmind]

If someone leaned over and spat in my face - I would not be continuing a relationship with them! Major disrespect. Also shows a lack of disrespect for yourself.

Perfidy how can we build mutual trust and respect once she spits in your face?

The why I stayed with her: everybody take my inventory. Judge me. She was young and cute(sorta). I was attracted to her body more than

her mind.

Um, maybe however then you talk about your co-dependency and low self esteem – that is why you stayed.

Was she communicating her true feelings about me? Why?

She showed you who she was however you didn’t take notice - even more so you ignored it.

Look at someones actions - if they do this to you in 2 weeks of knowing you - imagine 6 months down the track!

[willtimeheal]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I stayed for four years. She emotionally verbally and financially abused me. But I thought if I just stuck it out and wasn't  like all the others she would see that and change. She didn't change but I did. I didn't like the person I became. I was  miserable and very unhappy. I put boundaries on her and that is when she left me for someone else. I will say the other night I ran into her aunt when I was out. It was  good to see her and we talked briefly. I walked away thinking I miss that part of her and then I ran into her step mom. Her step mom and dad are drug addicts and alcoholics. Been busted many times and they just use and abuse the system. My ex BPD gets stuck paying bills for them (which we fought  about all the time)  After i saw her step mom there was a wave of  relief that came over me and all I could say to myself is thank goodness I am no longer part of that mess.  It takes time but you will get there... . I am finally starting to see her leaving me might have been the best thing that ever happened to me. But I am sure the rollercoaster ride of emotions isn't over but I am getting there and so will you.