When to tell BPD mother the truth

[Shalaidah]

Hi all,

I have been going through a tough time lately with my uBPD mother.  It all started a few months ago when she demanded to know why she and I do not have a close relationship (my mother and I have not been super close since I was a child, I now live 1,000 miles away from her, and call once a week at most).  I tried to have a rational conversation with her about this (bad idea) and it's all gone downhill from there.  I haven't been calling but now I receive rage filled emails on a regular basis about how I am not the daughter she raised, how she resents me, how my husband is trying to drive a wedge between me and her, and basically how she doesn't understand why we aren't close (all the while displaying in her rage the emotional and verbal abuse that have led to us not being close).  She sent me yet another email last night which, while slightly more sane, displays the same points as above and I was suddenly filled with this desire to tell her the truth about why she and I will never have a close relationship (including the fact that she is very likely BPD).  I didn't; I wrote an email to myself expressing what I want to tell my mother and left it at that.  However, I know that this question isn't going to go away (as she's been asking it for months now) and I need some advice on what to do.  Do I stick to my no hurtful email boundary and ignore it until she apologizes (she half-apologized in the last email, which makes this one tough)?  Do I try to tell her the truth, knowing full well it will blow up in my face?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am entirely at a loss as to what I should do that won't end up making this situation worse.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Shalaidah,

I can't say for sure or not, but, sometimes when you're asked leading questions like that it's a blame attack. Basically asking that to me seems like it's on you why you weren't ever close. If the email you sent consisted of her behaviors or damaging things she said to you or has done to you. It'll trigger a rage... . which is where I'm hearing that you're at.

Expecting a person with BPD to take accountability is really a hard thing to do. They can't acknowledge that they're at fault, it's very damaging to them.

Since she's coming out of this rage it sounds like you might have a better chance of bypassing it. Telling her not to send damaging or hurtful emails might not do a lot. I know my own DM wouldn't think the things she says and does are hurtful, they're just the truth in her eyes and so that boundary would be lost on her.

It's really hard to try to work something out in relationships with them, because in order to resolve conflict and past hurt, you have to come half way and both need to take accountability. It's a two way street, the pwBPD is unable to do that productively because of the illness.

A more productive boundary that seems to work for me, not sure it'll work for you. Is telling her I won't talk to her when she's angry. Which is pretty non confrontational. Wording it sometimes is important too, "I understand you're upset by the answer I gave to your question, we'll talk when you're not angry or upset."

Then, yep, I'd go MIA. But like I said, I don't know if that will work for you. You know your mom best.

[Sitara]

It's hard, and Finallyblooming had a lot of good points.

It all started a few months ago when she demanded to know why she and I do not have a close relationship

I've heard this a bunch too.  What she's really saying to me is, "You used to do everything I wanted without question.  Now you tell me no."

I've tried multiple times trying to sit down and talk about the issues in our relationship (all before I realized she has BPD traits), and I can say from experience that expecting them to understand your needs and meet you half-way are probably not going to happen.  Everything that's wrong with the relationship is your fault, you're not trying, she's trying so hard to make things work, isn't what she's doing enough for you, etc.

It sounds like you were always the one calling her.  You can't do all the work for the relationship by yourself.

I wrote an email to myself expressing what I want to tell my mother and left it at that.

This sounds like an excellent idea.  That way you were able to still express your feelings without fueling the fire.

she half-apologized in the last email, which makes this one tough

A half-apology isn't a true apology.  Did she find a way to still not take accountability about whatever the issue was?  My mom is a pro at the blame-apology.  "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want!"  Then it's magically my fault that she failed.

Do I try to tell her the truth, knowing full well it will blow up in my face?

It sounds like you already know that she isn't capable of handling the truth, and you're just looking for some validation.

You're not crazy.

It's not you.

You are not alone.

A relationship is two people.

You can't make her want one.

You can't make her want help.

All you can do is protect you, and do what makes you happy and healthy.

It might help to figure out exactly what you want from the relationship.  Then figure out if it's possible, and what you can do to get there.  Setting boundaries are a great way to to both figure out what is important to you and keep other people from walking all over you.  It's not easy, but there's plenty of people here who completely understand what you're going through.

[Clearmind]

“Mom, if you continue to send emails full of blame and accusations I will not be answering them”.

Its hard to comment because I am not sure what the problem is – can you share a little more about your concerns?

[Shalaidah]

The problem is that the whole question of why she and I don't have a good relationship can't really be answered by me in any truthful sort of way without inducing rage in my mother.  I can't tell the truth and I'm not really sure how to address this question other than not answering it all or telling her its not a topic I'm willing to discuss.  I guess I'm just wondering if that's the right way to go in this situation or if there's another option that I'm not seeing.

[Clearmind]

Sha, it can be answered by you - she is BPD!  Part of having a BPD parent is coming to a stage of acceptance of their limitations and lowering our expectations of what we expect a parent to be like.

Have a look at this link and see if you can draft something using SET: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.

If you do choose to email her - it needs to be in SET and it needs to be very brief and to the point - just facts - no emotion.

[Finallyblooming]

I have played this game with my DM and I quickly found out that my perception of truth was not going to be validated at all. I was going to be told I was dramatic, imagined everything that she had done to me (even those with court documentation), I was hateful, spiteful, refused to acknowledged how SHE felt. I figured it out pretty quick, the only truth is her truth and if I had anything to say that deviated from her truth, my life was going to suck.

I found that there was no peace to be had for either one of us. Hence, so what to do?

When my DM fixated on relationships, it was generally when she looked around and found herself standing there alone, or she had recently been abandoned by one of her friends or her sister. I simply would tell her past is past. I knew that she loved me and I loved her too and that's what mattered (which to me was a bold faced lie). They need to envision themselves as stellar parents or the fabric of their reality starts to unravel. If you want to get rid of the question, you're going to have to appease to her truth or play dodgeball with it. That's my experience anyway.

Another way I have dealt with my mom when she's fixated is to redirect. I would think of a memory that was really good and I would cut her off and say ":)o you remember when we got lost in the botanical gardens when I was a little girl and the only thing we saw was the ice cream truck and you got me a Popsicle, I loved that time with you. I was scared being lost, but I had trust you would find the way and we did."

I have to dig deep for those redirects. But, I found it usually cuts her off and she'll actually recount good memories as well. Which also helps me find out where she's at and helps me know where her thought process is going. I also found, it helps me also.

[Bella Storm]

Hi Shalaidah,

I can very much relate to BPD mom wanting to know "the truth". It puts you in a total "catch 22" if she is anything like my mom. Anything that my mom did wrong she blames on circumstances (work, my dad, her kids (my siblings), neighbors, you name it) and it triggers her rage. It is helpful to write things out that you don't send, because that gets the feelings out so you don't internalize them. The only advice I can think of is that statements you make need to focus on behavior and how it made you feel. Feelings are always valid and we are entitled to feel however we want about things. Realize that your mom will make it all about her, but figure out what boundaries you need to have so that you can be happy. You get to decide how and when you talk/email to your mom and how you spend time with her.

Good luck!