Do us nons also carry red flags that others may see and our pwBPDs didn´t?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I remember that when we were starting, I told her something about longing for an intense r/s, that I´d like to do everything with someone, explore the world with someone, get real close, etc... And also I wasn´t working at the time, seemed to not have a consistent life project, was kind of passive... . and as the r/s grew, now I see that I had my share of issues, I was a bit narcissistic, demanding... . so now I´m thinking of it the other way around. Maybe there were other girls who approached and saw these red flags and carried on, and maybe my exBPDgf was a bit blind to these red flags, the same way I was to hers... . awkward!

[whatathing]

I remember that when we were starting, I told her something about longing for an intense r/s, that I´d like to do everything with someone, explore the world with someone, get real close, etc... And also I wasn´t working at the time, seemed to not have a consistent life project, was kind of passive... . and as the r/s grew, now I see that I had my share of issues, I was a bit narcissistic, demanding... . so now I´m thinking of it the other way around. Maybe there were other girls who approached and saw these red flags and carried on, and maybe my exBPDgf was a bit blind to these red flags, the same way I was to hers... . awkward!

[Clearmind]

whatathing! Great question.

During my healing I realized that I too was giving off a bunch of red flags. I had never had a healthy relationship and for whatever reason I chose dysfunction.

A healthy minded person would not have dated me at the time! Same as I would never date a Borderline now... .

My ex looked out for the following: how I could support him, how I could fulfil his happiness, whether I had boundaries or not (I didn't) - list goes on. I was a perfect candidate for a Borderline and he knew it. After all not everyone attaches to a Borderline and vice versa.

We attracted what we felt about ourselves.

[Scout99]

I would not go so far as to say that my issues, (no matter how severe, and they were), would show up as  s for "normal" men pursuing me... . I have had a lot of them do, and wanting to be in r/s with me. But I have often bailed out because they felt dull or boring to me, who in a lot of ways and because of the way I was brought up was a trained addict for passion and intensity, and not for being accepted for who I was or being allowed to be myself... . I pretty much lacked identity and morphed into whatever a man seemed to want from me... . That would have been hard for most people to detect... . Or at least I believe so... .

I used to be a people pleaser and could pretty much make anybody feel good about themselves... . Instead I believe it is more difficult now, since I have to downplay my usual thing of pleasing them and try to take up more space. And that is hard for me still and feels a lot awkward and in a way that doesn't make me as charming as I used to be... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Moonie75]

At the time me & BPD ex got together I wouldn't have touched me with a barge pole!

I was fresh out of a vicious divorce & it had really taken its toll on me mentally & physically (I'd lost too much weight & didn't look well). I was unemployed after losing my job, which triggered the relationship failure into the divorce. I had little to no confidence & looked awful. Her even wanting to get involved with me at that time should've been a big enough red flag for me!

But yeah, I guess I was red flagged right up (at that time). Other healthy people would have stayed clear. Me & BPD ex did have a history tho so guess that helped blur things?

Interesting thread.

[peas]

Love this question. I've often thought there was a correlation between where me and my uBPDexbf were in our lives when we met and the intensity and boundary-busting of our r/s.

I was broke, unemployed and working two menial cash jobs just to eat and put gas in my car. I exhausted my 401k. I had been single for two years, having finally gotten over a bad breakup that I mourned solid for one of those two years. I was in career limbo, waiting for my job train to come in (I am a skilled professional) as I was sending resumes all over the place and out of town, out of state. I truly did not know where my life was taking me. I could only plan my life month to month. Lots of anxiety.

Him: Unemployed. Broke. Single for two years... .

Interesting.

[LoneWolf768]

Wow. Whatathing, I can; say I've ever heard that question posed or even thought about it that way.

I know I seem to have red flags that attract less-than emotionally healthy women. In fact, I attract some real winners! Perhaps the emotionally healthy women see things that keep them away from me, while those with issues see them and it's like a magnet. BPD'ers seem to cling to people pleasers, rescuer types, those with co-dependent characteristics, etc. so you poise a really thought-provoking question.

I'm going to have to do some serious self-reflecting and answer you more thoroughly. Great question!

[simplyasiam]

im sure many of us have red flags, nice normal caring trust willing to give 100% of yourself abel to forgive im sure many of the ppl with BPD are master at spoting these flags and knowing how to test for then. they are also masters at training ppl like us to feel sorry for them and be a care giver to them.

life they gont have us trained they cant get away with the crap and if we refuse the training they will not deal with pll like that they will move on from those ppl fast. pll that they can train will be the ones they stick with till they have used them up

[ScotisGone74]

definately in my case I was a people pleaser.  During my high school years I played sports and was involved in different things, but my goal was to always be the most popular, to be the most liked.  Now during my adult years this transferred into going out of my way to help some people when maybe shouldn't have been-which is a great way to get caught up with BPD's as SO's.  Now I don't think that being a people pleaser is always a red flag for others with us, but once it reaches a certain level I would say it would have to be for those that are healthy. 

BPD's are great at exploiting these weaknesses into a gaping hole.  They have an uncanny ability of taking advantage of kindness and turning it into a weakness.

[LoneWolf768]

definately in my case I was a people pleaser.  During my high school years I played sports and was involved in different things, but my goal was to always be the most popular, to be the most liked.  Now during my adult years this transferred into going out of my way to help some people when maybe shouldn't have been-which is a great way to get caught up with BPD's as SO's.  Now I don't think that being a people pleaser is always a red flag for others with us, but once it reaches a certain level I would say it would have to be for those that are healthy. 

BPD's are great at exploiting these weaknesses into a gaping hole.  They have an uncanny ability of taking advantage of kindness and turning it into a weakness.

Yes they do seem to have a talent for using our personal secrets against us and using our weaknesses to their advantage, Scott. And for what reason? For control? So they can feel as thought they won't get hurt? I'll never understand... .

[whatathing]

Thank you Clearmind, LoneWolf, and everyone. I think this question is part of all the new perspectives that I´ve been going through about all this. Anyway, it leaves me a bit bitter to have been involved in a disfunctional dynamics, and having my own issues that I´d never knew about. Have to forgive and make peace with it!

[charred]

Yes, no question.

Attachment theory has a lot of good stuff in it, including some information on what we seek in a mate (Read "A General Theory of Love"... its good.)

Essentially, the r/s our parents had, is what we use as a model for what love is. So if you grew up in a truly loving normal household (rare I am starting to think)... then people that act and seem like your folks are attractive to you. If you grew up in a dysfunctional one with alcoholics or PD's... then those folks who act/respond at a deep down level like you are used too, are the ones you respond to ... and vice versa.

There has been a lot of jokes and Freudian stuff about us being out looking for our mothers or fathers... but we do respond that way. Personally I chased a lot of gals growing up... all the good girls from good normal families... no interest from them, the ones from similar dysfunctional homes, were friendly... and the sparks flew with the ones from just as messed up families. Years later I have morphed in to a techno nerd and have a daughter that is a teen... she is cute and guys like her... but the guys she has a thing for... are nerds. It is weird but seems to be the case... we respond to what we "know" as love.

So... others react to us or not based on their own backgrounds... . I have been told sorry not interested with explanations that sound like they saw red flags... many times. Had salesmanship training and didn't take it personally, just went looking for the next girl... but I do believe that most the time, we see people who are even worse than we are in various ways... and recognize the   immediately, but the closer to our own level of  , the less we dismiss them and the more likely we are to pursue them. In the case of my pwBPD... who should have had a United Nation's like display of  ... . I rationalized them away and talked myself off of them repeatedly... till I was very sorry I had done that.