He texted me...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Background... . I have been recycled 30 times in the past twelve months. He broke up via Facebook message last Tuesday and immediately unfriended and blocked me the instant I read the message. I have not contacted him since... .

Then tonight I got a text that said:

Him: Mean it this time

Me: What does that mean?

Him: Not coming back. You need to move forward

Me: Oh   I wish I understood  it hurts and I miss you


No response back from him... . What was the point of this? I guess he really is done this time?

[sadinnc98]

Background... . I have been recycled 30 times in the past twelve months. He broke up via Facebook message last Tuesday and immediately unfriended and blocked me the instant I read the message. I have not contacted him since... .

Then tonight I got a text that said:

Him: Mean it this time

Me: What does that mean?

Him: Not coming back. You need to move forward

Me: Oh   I wish I understood  it hurts and I miss you


No response back from him... . What was the point of this? I guess he really is done this time?

[papawapa]

I do not believe they are ever really done. It looks to me like he was on a fishing expedition. He hadn't heard from you and since that is hurting him he said something to make you hurt. Your response confirmed his suspicions, you are still on the hook. Go back to NC and he will send you another message. In the meantime you need to decide if you want to keep putting up with his games or if you are ready to move on.

[simplyasiam]

pawpaw is right on the money. ive seen it for six years they have to be the that did the leaving.

you stay strong for one week he will be beging you to come back.

change your number block him he will BUT ONLY SO HE CAN HURT YOU AGAIN!

you have to think backwards with ppl suffering from BPD dont do what a normal person would do do be hurt be ok.

get your head right before he comes back put your foot down and tell him it get help or get lost then you may have a chance

[willtimeheal]

Block his number and do not answer. Ever time you answer you give your power to him. Make a choice... . move on to a better life or continue to live in his delusional hell. Moving on means NC and letting him go.

[sadinnc98]

So you guys don't think he is just being honest and really not coming back?

I kinda didn't think that was the case because why text that? I didn't reach out to him at all necessitating a text like that. I think it bothered him that I didn't chase after him when he dumped me.

I feel like I gave him the response he was looking for... he thinks I am still here, validated him, etc... . and that is why he didn't respond back?

This stuff is so confusing and I feel my response makes me look pathetic and desperate. And three sad faces I put.geesh.

[fiddlestix]

After a year of separation from my bipolar BPDw I told her via email ( I am NC) we need to dissolve permanently. Two days later she agrees.  But she is extremely friendly and says she hopes we can remained "connected."  She seems unaware how bad she hurt me with her dozens of affairs over 25 years.  She signs off "peace and love." 

Then a few days later she gave my oldest daughter a ride.  My daughter comes in with a huge hug that she says is "from Mom."  Weird? Games?  Or is my soon to be ex just being friendly?  She admits to being both bipolar and BPD (she is a therapist herself). 

[Surnia]

Hi sadinnc

30 times recycle - breaking up via FB, all this is really tough! 

You are asking us if he is done... .

What about you?

[peas]

Mine said the same thing: move on, we're done, there is no going back.

He meant it because six weeks later and no word. We had a text exchange two weeks after breakup when I tried contact to get some answers and closure, but he just got angry all over again and said to go away and leave him alone ans he we were over.

[sadinnc98]

Hi sadinnc

30 times recycle - breaking up via FB, all this is really tough!  

You are asking us if he is done... .

What about you?

My mind is a confused mess. My head tells me I need to be done but I am still in love with him. I assume that is in line with being in the throes of a breakup.  I will not contact him however. I am wondering if he met someone... who knows... . he is still on the dating site.  I was up all night worried about this.

He texted me in July once, during what turned out to be a recycle, "We will never see each other again"... . and then hours later he was asking me on a date. Its all so very confusing.

I admit too that thinking he really is done, really hurts me... it feels like rejection all over again. I wonder what I did wrong... its crazy what goes on in my head.

[willtimeheal]

You deserve better. His text was to see if you were still available to him. That's all he wanted to know. As soon as you responded you boosted his ego and that was what he needed. He will text again when he needs another  boost. I am sorry but that is what he is doing. You deserve better. As much as you say you love him. You need to love yourself. And ask yourself in any other relationship if anyone ever treated you like this would you have put up with it?  Hell no!

It is important you focus on you and getting your life back now. You did nothing wrong and you need to remember that. He is mentally ill and has messed with your heart and mind. It will take time to repair and to recover but you need to stay away. Love is suppose to bring out the best in us and make us feel good about ourselves and help us grow into better people. It is not suppose to make us an emotional mental mess. You are addicted and it will take time but you have to focus on you and what is best for you. It took me a while to learn that lesson and it is hard... . very hard but it does get better. Just hang in there.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you for responding, I appreciate it. You keyed in on several things that my mind is dealing with right now and it has helped me. I almost felt like his tone last night was a little mean... so I wondered what I did wrong... then when I responded that I hurt and missed him... it was painful that he didn't write anything back

[willtimeheal]

I have been apart from my ex BPD for five months now. She left me when I needed her the most. I had a family trauma and she thought I was going to leave so she left me. While on vacation with me she set up a whole new life for herself and left me when we got back. She has spent the last four months telling me she made a mistake and  wants me back but she has yet to leave the new man she set up her new life with. I was a mess wondering if she thought about me an  missed me. I would drive by her house. Look at her fb page and then I started to think about how every night she goes to bed with him. She may tell me she loves me but she is telling him the same thing and then sleeping and having sex with him. It really started to make me sick and make my stomach turn. And I started to realize that I deserve so much more. I am nobody's second. And I used that to help fuel me to move forward and when I started to miss her I thought of that.

[sadinnc98]

He is texting again. He is traveling (apparently) and drove through one of our favorite places. He said he was there and thinking of our great memories... . and he is lonely, etc... . ugh. I need to ignore... right? This is so hard.

[peas]

In my last texts to my ex, I let him have it. Since he already determined he wanted nothing to do with me, I figured I had nothing left to lose and I blasted text after text about his lies, examples of his abuse, and how I was glad to be rid of him. I let him know all the ways he made my life hell. I also reminded him that he wanted to marry me at one point. I just fed him back all the false promises he said while we were together.

He responded with F-bombs, said I was a psycho b**ch and threatened to call the police on me.

There is never any going back with this guy, even as acquaintances. He was determined to kill every last bit of what we had, and I was not going down without a fight.

If I ever run into him on the street we'll both probably turn the other way without a word.

[willtimeheal]

Ignore. You need  to think about you and what's best for you. Ask yourself Do you really want to live like this and be treated like this for the rest of your life?  Sardonic98... . You deserve so much more. It is hard but let him go. Don't waste anymore  of your time or energy on him. He Will always put his needs above yours. The good memories are great but when you think back do you have more good memories together or bad. When I think back on my relationship with my ex BPD for every good memory there is at least 5 bad memories. A relationship shouldn't be like that. You deserve better. When I finally let go I was scared to death and I still go thru a roller coaster of emotions but I can say when I look back I am happy I am no longer part of that mess. I deserve better.

[danley]

My ex texted me today. He texted me first? Really? It was a supportive text and positive. I didn't want to reply because I told him off over the weekend about how he's selfish, ungrateful, not remorseful, and that I don't need him in my life. Well, normally I'd text back a thanks and ask how he's doing in return. I had a hard time not texting back a TY. But I didn't want to be a hypocrite and so I just sent TY. Maybe to him that gives him a sense of control and relief that I responded. Let him think what he wants. I'm just glad I didn't respond with his interest as focus.

So sadinnc,

Lesson learned. Next time he texts you and you feel compelled to respond, keep it short and to the point. Don't give him too much to swell his head. Be direct and think of how this texting experience made you feel yesterday so that you don't repeat it. Safeguard your feelings:)

[Scout99]

He is texting again. He is traveling (apparently) and drove through one of our favorite places. He said he was there and thinking of our great memories... . and he is lonely, etc... . ugh. I need to ignore... right? This is so hard.

I was just thinking when I started to read this thread, that the whole thing smelled of dysregulation from the beginning... . And then I read here that he texted again and now with the disclosure of him feeling lonely... .

This is BPD... .

He is probably having a lot of conflicting emotions at the time, probably not even about you or your relationship but it can just as easily be about something completely different, like something at work, or as often were the case when my ex BPD bf acted in almost exactly the same way - he was feeling a touch of panic attack approaching, and that set off a lot of terror in him... . And then he needed to get that out, so he dumped it on me with very short and somewhat weird projecting statements like the ones you got I your first message... .

But since you, like me usually didn't take the bait, (a bait to make you/me engage into an argument, that would release some of his anxiety). The pain got to him and once it did, messages with expressions of loneliness, feeling lost or somewhat sad memories followed... .

That is, now the feelings have flipped from terror anxiety to feelings of loss and loneliness... .

In essence - it is not about you at all... . It is just about him trying to deal with his unstable mood for the moment and needs someone or something to project that on... . Since that is his disordered pattern of coping... .

My suggestions is therefore just to sit still in the boat and do nothing, since you can not help him here. You engaging will only make things worse, right now. When he really needs to learn how to self soothe... .

My heart goes out to you however!   since I know just how heart wrenching these situations feel to us... . We look at what they write or say at these times trying to make some sort of sense of it all, analyzing it, when there really is no sense to be found, apart from the disorder being what it is... .

In essence this particular incident doesn't really tell you anything as to where he is when it comes to your relationship.

But I also agree with surnia... . Don't forget to try to shift focus at least a bit back to you... . Where are you in all of these, after 30 recycles... . Do you really want to continue in this path, or do you not, but something keeps you there anyway? If so, what might that something be... . ?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[sadinnc98]

Thank you guys for posting. I need to read and reread each of these comments. My head is spinning. I ended up texting back asking a few questions about his travel/job... . next thing I know he is asking to take me out, calling me babe, acting like all is normal. How in the heck did that happen... ? I guess that is what happens when you break NC like I did. I should have ignored it... . yet I feel mean/rude/hurtful if I ignore him... . but then again, he ignores me entirely for days on end, dumps me on a Facebook message, etc... and that is ok? Its not. I know I am rambling. He did ask to come by this evening and I said no but he wants to take me on a date. I have not really responded to any of that. I need to get back on course here... . I am embarrassed for corresponding with him and mad at myself. I knew better... I know better...

[topknot]

Oh, goodness, sadinnc, I have not posted on this board in so, so long, but it was a saving grace to me at the time of being SO involved. Let me tell you, from the mouth of my ex BPD boyfriend, his words to me about what happened to you were," Oh, yeah, that's just called checking the lines." Meaning, are you still hooked in to them or not. I have fallen for that trick many a time. Best answer is NOTHING... I know how hard it is, but we have all here been there. You need to practice detachment, and you will feel comfort, as if you have found yourself again. You need a large separation from crazy...

[peas]

Sadinnc98, can you go back to a time in your r/s with this guy when your guts started telling you something was wrong with the r/s dynamic, or that moment when you remember the first time he hurt you and it was a lasting pain? Somewhere along the way you probably got that feeling that you needed to protect yourself and maybe you pulled back a little?

Try going to that place.

Also, if you are going to engage with this guy, communicate your feelings. Spell it all out for him without worrying how he is going to react. Forget the eggshells and say look, here is what you did to me, here is how it affected me and here is what I want. See how he reacts. Right now you are reacting to him. Both of you have to get at some truth. You are still letting this guy take the lead.

[Scout99]

Oh, goodness, sadinnc, I have not posted on this board in so, so long, but it was a saving grace to me at the time of being SO involved. Let me tell you, from the mouth of my ex BPD boyfriend, his words to me about what happened to you were," Oh, yeah, that's just called checking the lines." Meaning, are you still hooked in to them or not. I have fallen for that trick many a time. Best answer is NOTHING... I know how hard it is, but we have all here been there. You need to practice detachment, and you will feel comfort, as if you have found yourself again. You need a large separation from crazy...

This is so true, topknot! I will keep that quote close to me! "Checking the lines".

There is no malicious intent in it... . Just a clear sign of how very insecure they are in themselves... . And how dependent they are of tying people to them when the need for validation rises or when the fear of anxiety or pain is welling up from their emptiness inside!

And we have to make a decision... . Either to let them drink from our energy source to temporarily fill up their void, making us feel empty. Or make the tough decision to let them go and allow them to drink from someone else, until they by themselves come to realize they need help... .

It is a tough decision... . But in the end the only one that is ours to make... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[sadinnc98]

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very panicked and upset over this whole situation. I have sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about the whole thing.  I can honestly say, I don't think I want to see him. I feel very protective of myself and caring of my well being (new feeling today) and I don't think he is good for me. Its like my subconscious is telling me I am going to get hurt again.

In looking over everything that he texted me, I really think he was wanting a booty call yesterday... . the timing of the conversation, bringing up old times, he was going to be driving by my exit when I was finishing work, etc... the way the conversation really dropped off once I told him I could not meet with him yesterday. So I think either that is the case, or, maybe he had someone else over. I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I had allowed him to come, he would have wanted to take me to dinner, hook up and then fade off by tomorrow. He has done this before in between break ups... . I think he just wanted validation and sex and I am a sure thing for him. I am NOT going to do that.  I did text him good night last night... he did not respond which hurt. I saw he was active on the dating website again this morning... . again, that tells me a lot of what is going on.  I need to stay the course in my plans to move forward without him. 

I also find it interesting in all of the conversation yesterday (all texting)... . he did not ask me once how I have been doing, what I have been up to, etc... . very interesting.

[topknot]

Remember you were a whole person with friends, doing fun things, before you met him. Don't give away your power by allowing him to determine your moods. You need to step away long enough to reclaim yourself and remember who you are again. Then you will have the clarity to acknowledge, "Yes, I feel like I am healing"... Be strong enough and give yourself that gift. And read what the Ambassadors on this Board have to say. They are very wise 

[peas]

I also find it interesting in all of the conversation yesterday (all texting)... . he did not ask me once how I have been doing, what I have been up to, etc

That you are noticing that and it bothers you is progress in you.

[willtimeheal]

Trust yourself and trust what your gut is telling you. The biggest lesson I have learned through my whole experience with my ex BPD is my gut is never wrong. That is your intuition and It is telling you something... . listen to it. When I met my ex a little  over four year  ago my gut told me to stay away... . That I didn't belong there. I wish I listened then.  I am listening now and I will always listen from now on.

[sm15000]

I really feel for you. . .it's a horrible time 

Background... . I have been recycled 30 times in the past twelve months.

He is texting again. He is traveling (apparently) and drove through one of our favorite places. He said he was there and thinking of our great memories... . and he is lonely, etc... . ugh. I need to ignore... right? This is so hard.

I ended up texting back asking a few questions about his travel/job... . next thing I know he is asking to take me out, calling me babe, acting like all is normal. How in the heck did that happen... ? I guess that is what happens when you break NC like I did. I should have ignored it... . yet I feel mean/rude/hurtful if I ignore him

I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I had allowed him to come, he would have wanted to take me to dinner, hook up and then fade off by tomorrow. He has done this before in between break ups

So, you've seen the pattern right. . .and you are seeing it again.  This is what happens - they say all the things to keep you hooked but their actions don't match.  Take note of the actions. 

I also felt mean and hurtful for not replying - this is a bit of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). . .you can read more about this in the articles here.  Personally, I don't think you need to force yourself to go NC. . .you may be causing yourself more stress to try and enforce this on yourself then fail - it's very hard to do. 

What you need to do is take control and detach with low contact.  If you can. . .turn the bloody phone off for a time.  The worst thing I did to myself was keep hanging on to any texts coming through.

Use SET. . .so you acknowledge he is feeling lonely and that's not nice to feel but he has ended the r/s and told you, you need to move on.  Keep it short and focused, don't engage in the schmoozing.  He's acting like everything is normal because you are engaging. . .and it's worked before right

I don't think I want to see him. I feel very protective of myself and caring of my well being (new feeling today) and I don't think he is good for me. Its like my subconscious is telling me I am going to get hurt again

As others have said, listen to what your gut is telling you. . .and that is you are in a state of high anxiety and you need to refocus yourself.  You won't be able to do this if he is constantly bombarding you with mixed messages.

I also find it interesting in all of the conversation yesterday (all texting)... . he did not ask me once how I have been doing, what I have been up to, etc... . very interesting

I'm glad you're noticing stuff like this!

Good Luck

[sadinnc98]

You guys are the most wonderful people. I have read and reread every very helpful comment on here. Thanks for giving me the strength to do this! 

[dotSlash]

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very panicked and upset over this whole situation. I have sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about the whole thing.  I can honestly say, I don't think I want to see him. I feel very protective of myself and caring of my well being (new feeling today) and I don't think he is good for me. Its like my subconscious is telling me I am going to get hurt again.

In looking over everything that he texted me, I really think he was wanting a booty call yesterday... . the timing of the conversation, bringing up old times, he was going to be driving by my exit when I was finishing work, etc... the way the conversation really dropped off once I told him I could not meet with him yesterday. So I think either that is the case, or, maybe he had someone else over. I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I had allowed him to come, he would have wanted to take me to dinner, hook up and then fade off by tomorrow. He has done this before in between break ups... . I think he just wanted validation and sex and I am a sure thing for him. I am NOT going to do that.  I did text him good night last night... he did not respond which hurt. I saw he was active on the dating website again this morning... . again, that tells me a lot of what is going on.  I need to stay the course in my plans to move forward without him. 

I also find it interesting in all of the conversation yesterday (all texting)... . he did not ask me once how I have been doing, what I have been up to, etc... . very interesting.

Yes I have experienced things similar to this. Been "broken up" with 40 times over the phone in the past year and bit, 10 over fb. Most recently blocked # and deleted from fb entirely. Sometimes the day after she "breaks up" with me, she'll call the next day and ask what I'd like to do for our next date. It's madness. And a few times, she has called and said "I miss your dick... " those are the worst of all, and really make me question everything in my head

[Scout99]

Yes I have experienced things similar to this. Been "broken up" with 40 times over the phone in the past year and bit, 10 over fb. Most recently blocked # and deleted from fb entirely. Sometimes the day after she "breaks up" with me, she'll call the next day and ask what I'd like to do for our next date. It's madness. And a few times, she has called and said "I miss your dick... " those are the worst of all, and really make me question everything in my head

I know this is really a very serious remark and an important thought too! But I must say reading about that phone call about missing your... . gave me a possibility for a heartfelt laugh! Especially the remark about questioning everything in my head... . I have soo been right there too... . Even though it has not been my dick that has been requested but my female counterpart... .

And those moments have indeed made also me question everything in my head! 

Thank You so much dotSlash for putting that smile on my face and giving me an opportunity to laugh for a moment about all the really crazy stuff we put up with from our loved ones with BPD... .

Sometimes it is good to take a moment to question what's in our heads... . That's for sure!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[dotSlash]

I have soo been right there too... . Even though it has not been my dick that has been requested but my female counterpart... .

And those moments have indeed made also me question everything in my head! 

This makes me curious, but of course I won't ask!

I kinda chuckled looking back at what I typed, but it's the honest truth. Being a person who acts rationally and keeps my emotions pretty consistent, I will never understand when my BPD gf will get triggered, but it's nice to see that I'm not the only one dealing with these kind of things. It also helped to hear recently from a friend of hers that she has done this with her exes before. Up until now all I've heard from her was "this is your fault, YOU make me like this, it's toxic, our relationship is awful", and now I can sleep sound knowing it's not me. I'm a nice guy and have done nothing to provoke this kind of behavior