The betrayal and getting even

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Firstly, I know in my head that thinking about what my uBPD H has done and is continuing to do is not healthy. I should be concentrating on me. Not dwelling on ALL that he has done and is doing. For example, though he refuses to move out of our home we share with our two children, S25, D17, he leaves for several nights a week to stay with his new SO. He is spending money we don't have, taking her places and buying her things. He grocery shops at her local store for groceries for them, has spent nights in the city, and is behaving like he is single and free of all family responsibility.  Thankfully he is still paying our bills. He is 50 and she is 35. I am trying my hardest to go LC, but want to scream at him when he comes back. I have been confrontational with him on a few occasions, mostly telling him that he really needs to move out, to go live with her. I am so much better when he is not around and have made so much progress in trying to move forward in the last two months, after finding out about the betrayal. He has been gone since Friday, and all it will take is for him to come through the door for me to become full of anxiety. I am working on that, since I need to accept the fact that I may likely be in this situation until the divorce is final and the house is sold.

Now to the getting even part-- and maybe some of you out there can relate to this.  I play scenarios in my head of contacting his SO (that is only what I call her here on this site, since the names I have for her are not for this forum-lol).  I want to tell her what part she has played in this; let her know we were a family, he is sick, he has lied to her as much as he has lied to me, his marriage wasn't over, blah blah blah.  I want to contact her mother (yes, immature, I know!) and tell her about what her daughter is doing; "have you met your daughters new BF? He's 50, married for 28 years, a wife and two children, mentally ill, and has involved your daughter in a sadomasochistic relationship" and so much more. I want to cause havoc in his relationship in some way, shape or form. I know I shouldn't do these things, but I want to. I also know I shouldn't because of the ongoing divorce case and my attorney would not agree with that type of behavior. I have also wanted to show up at his SO's door while he is there; why?, I don't even know.

Why I am spending my mental energy thinking of these things when I know it isn't healthy or productive?  It is like I am looking to seek revenge on my worst enemy, who is my pwBPD. I want to hurt him and the person he now cares about more than his family. Anyone else feeling these feelings? Or even better, any ideas on how I can do it? LOL

Thanks bpdfamily!

[hardhabit2break]

Firstly, I know in my head that thinking about what my uBPD H has done and is continuing to do is not healthy. I should be concentrating on me. Not dwelling on ALL that he has done and is doing. For example, though he refuses to move out of our home we share with our two children, S25, D17, he leaves for several nights a week to stay with his new SO. He is spending money we don't have, taking her places and buying her things. He grocery shops at her local store for groceries for them, has spent nights in the city, and is behaving like he is single and free of all family responsibility.  Thankfully he is still paying our bills. He is 50 and she is 35. I am trying my hardest to go LC, but want to scream at him when he comes back. I have been confrontational with him on a few occasions, mostly telling him that he really needs to move out, to go live with her. I am so much better when he is not around and have made so much progress in trying to move forward in the last two months, after finding out about the betrayal. He has been gone since Friday, and all it will take is for him to come through the door for me to become full of anxiety. I am working on that, since I need to accept the fact that I may likely be in this situation until the divorce is final and the house is sold.

Now to the getting even part-- and maybe some of you out there can relate to this.  I play scenarios in my head of contacting his SO (that is only what I call her here on this site, since the names I have for her are not for this forum-lol).  I want to tell her what part she has played in this; let her know we were a family, he is sick, he has lied to her as much as he has lied to me, his marriage wasn't over, blah blah blah.  I want to contact her mother (yes, immature, I know!) and tell her about what her daughter is doing; "have you met your daughters new BF? He's 50, married for 28 years, a wife and two children, mentally ill, and has involved your daughter in a sadomasochistic relationship" and so much more. I want to cause havoc in his relationship in some way, shape or form. I know I shouldn't do these things, but I want to. I also know I shouldn't because of the ongoing divorce case and my attorney would not agree with that type of behavior. I have also wanted to show up at his SO's door while he is there; why?, I don't even know.

Why I am spending my mental energy thinking of these things when I know it isn't healthy or productive?  It is like I am looking to seek revenge on my worst enemy, who is my pwBPD. I want to hurt him and the person he now cares about more than his family. Anyone else feeling these feelings? Or even better, any ideas on how I can do it? LOL

Thanks bpdfamily!

[ScotisGone74]

I feel for what you are going through right now and I know its tough, but honestly as much as you want to do these things to even up the score I would not do that right now, for a few reasons, such as:

1.  He or his SO could call the cops and file charges on you for harassment-I know it sucks, but true

2.  He will only LIE to his SO and tell her how crazy you are or some other BS to make it seem to her like you are nuts, instead of him. 

3.  It is like trying to even the score against somebody that is emotionally about 3 years old, is Not longer term therapy for you. 

4.  It keeps you involved in what HE is doing, instead of what YOU need to be doing. 

5.  Getting even with someone who is truly mentally ill is rolling the dice, because they are capable of carrying out anything against YOU or Your Loved Ones in return. 


My exBPD was hiding the new person in her bedroom while having me over-still texting 'I Love You's' up until I couldn't understand what was going on.  To get even walk away, get your divorce, go NC or LC if needed, and live a fulfilling life you are happy with.  Most people will get what they having coming sooner or later. 

[babyducks]

I will add number 6 to the list started by ScotisGone.

6.   Some day you will have the opportunity to heave a huge sigh of relief and say to yourself,  thank goodness I didn't do any of those things I was thinking of.

There is nothing like holding your head up to give yourself the higher moral ground.

[WXYZ]

I've felt the same way ... .

Your greatest ally, shield & weapon is PATIENCE.

I know it's hard - O how I know!

Just wait and you'll see & you'll see from a very safe distance in the not too distant future

And when that time comes, and believe me it will, wonder of wonders you wont feel the way you do now

It will be a kind of sadness when you realise you're ok & their life is a living hell

And that's just the way its going to be

PATIENCE  

[Aussie0zborn]

Hmmm... . I'm not so sure about this one but I see that it bothers you and you need to get even.  Mine betrayed me way too many times but I also know she is fearless when in a rage or when in self destructive mode. In such cases, anything can happen and it can turn ugly.

The best revenge is seeing them fail and seeing him going from one failed relationship to another while you're moving forward. It might take a while but this kind of getting even is as  sweet as it gets. Hang in their so you can hold your head high later.

[papawapa]

I felt the same way in the beginning. I thought of a hundred ways to get revenge. It is part of the anger stage or grieving. Your desire to get back at your ex will pass. Keep in mind that two wrongs can never make a right. The only way to "get back" at them is for you to move forward with your life, get yourself healthy and find someone else that can give you what you need in a relationship. While you can move on and find true happiness they will never be able to be happy.

[MovingOnForLife]

Hardhabit2break-

I'm in the same situation as you are. My pwBPD cheated on me for two years and now that's it out in the open and we're getting divorced he spends about 4 nights a week at her house.  But each time he walks out that door I detach a little bit more so he's actually helping me.

But I too wanted my revenge but didn't want to come across as the scorned, crazy ex.  But then it dawned on me - the best revenge is that now she has to put up with his lies, his abuse, his manipulation etc. and when the relationship ends (and it will) she will just be a shell of her former self with no self esteem. And she will feel the pain I felt and have to build herself back up one day at a time, just like I did.  And this dumb b***h is a therapist - you'd think she'd know better!

And for him?  Well he lives in his own personal hell every single day and that's good enough for me.

[So hurt]

The best revenge is to live well!

[Perfidy]

The state that I live in has a thing in the divorce called an injunction. If I were you I would look into taking legal action and getting him out of the house. I did that when I divorced my wife. Ends all the bs. No more game playing. You don't need him and he sure don't need you. If its a reason of money then it's the wrong reason. Sanity and happiness cannot be purchased. You have always had a roof over your head and clothes to wear, food to eat and a car to drive. End it and you will have the vindication that you desire as a byproduct of your happiness. Seriously... The shallow relationship that he is in has as much chance as a fart in a wind tunnel and that's going to be a deal for him. Good luck

[hardhabit2break]

A great big "Thank You" to everyone for talking me out of it.  I don't want to look back when this is all said and done and be sorry that I did something out of anger or spite.  This type of thinking isn't even in my nature.  Yes, getting even would be for me to get to a place of happiness and freedom, free from what I allowed to turn me into a person always questioning their every move and walking on eggshells.

Sometimes it is the anger that drives me to want to do something, but I must say the frustration is just too much at times.  Sounds like some of you have already reached that happy place and it gives me hope.  Hope for a better life for me and my children.

Thanks again to all of you, my BPD Family!  BTW, was it childish for me to write in the dust on the back of his car? LOL