He called and I went

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Maybe I am co-dependent?  I've read the descriptions and I honestly don't think it fits me.  However, as I described in my other post on this board, I left the house I live in with uBPDbf on Friday night because of his raging and possible violence.  I stayed away and didn't even speak to him until he called me Sunday morning.  I have to say - the break from him was wonderful.  I was planning to go to my house to get work clothes for the week and then look for an apartment on Monday.

So he calls me Sunday morning and the first "conversation" is him screaming at me again.  I told him I was coming back for clothes and then getting an apartment this week and I felt firm in my decision.  Then he calls me again and says "things will change, come home".  I know things will never change, but a few hours later I pack up and go home  .  I pretty much cried the whole way driving back to our house knowing I was making the wrong decision.  I was already away 2 nights - one more than I'd ever stayed away - and I was feeling good about the situation. 

Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I was trying to figure out really why I went back and I honestly have no answer.  I don't even care about all the money I put into buying the house with uBPDbf any more.  That was my excuse for staying the last couple of years.  I really don't feel any love for him anymore.  What I feel is sorry for him.  I guess staying for that reason makes me co-dependent - who knows... .

At this point, I just feel numb and not sure what happens next.  I guess actually what happens next is me living with him day to day until the next reason to leave.  And then I hope I can stay away.  Its really a crappy way to live

[toomanyeggshells]

Maybe I am co-dependent?  I've read the descriptions and I honestly don't think it fits me.  However, as I described in my other post on this board, I left the house I live in with uBPDbf on Friday night because of his raging and possible violence.  I stayed away and didn't even speak to him until he called me Sunday morning.  I have to say - the break from him was wonderful.  I was planning to go to my house to get work clothes for the week and then look for an apartment on Monday.

So he calls me Sunday morning and the first "conversation" is him screaming at me again.  I told him I was coming back for clothes and then getting an apartment this week and I felt firm in my decision.  Then he calls me again and says "things will change, come home".  I know things will never change, but a few hours later I pack up and go home  .  I pretty much cried the whole way driving back to our house knowing I was making the wrong decision.  I was already away 2 nights - one more than I'd ever stayed away - and I was feeling good about the situation. 

Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I was trying to figure out really why I went back and I honestly have no answer.  I don't even care about all the money I put into buying the house with uBPDbf any more.  That was my excuse for staying the last couple of years.  I really don't feel any love for him anymore.  What I feel is sorry for him.  I guess staying for that reason makes me co-dependent - who knows... .

At this point, I just feel numb and not sure what happens next.  I guess actually what happens next is me living with him day to day until the next reason to leave.  And then I hope I can stay away.  Its really a crappy way to live

[Validation78]

Hey Toomany!

Sorry to hear that you are still struggling in your relationship. I know how hard you've tried to make it work, and how frustrating it's been.

If you don't care about the money, and you don't love him anymore, sounds like you are still caught up in the FOG. You may or may not be CoDep., it's only a label, not the reason you are not making a decision.

Ask yourself these questions:

What are you afraid of?

Why do you feel obligated to stay?

Why do you feel guilty about leaving?

Also, what would your life look like without these things to think about?

Yes, I agree, this is a crappy way to live. You don't have to. It's your choice.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[toomanyeggshells]

Ask yourself these questions:

What are you afraid of?

Why do you feel obligated to stay?

Why do you feel guilty about leaving?

Also, what would your life look like without these things to think about?

I saw your response and have been thinking about it for a couple of hours. 

I can't put my finger on what I'm afraid of so I'll start with what I'm not afraid of.  I'm not afraid of being without a SO, I'm not afraid of living alone, I'm not afraid/worried about money issues living by myself, I'm not afraid of what friends/family will think if I leave.   

I feel obligated to stay ... . why?  Good question.  I feel like I really want to have a happy life with uBPDbf.  I can remember how good things were before we lived together.  I want that man back, but I know he no longer exists.  He disappeared, literally, within one week of us living together and its been a struggle for the last 4 years.

My guilt about leaving - I definitely feel guilty about leaving someone who is so screwed up in the head.  If I leave, he'll never understand that I really do care about him but just couldn't live with his rage, unhappiness and obsessive jealousy.  I also feel guilty about leaving because his 2nd wife walked out on him for just the same reasons. 

I know he's hurting like crazy deep down from something in his past, other family members have commented on it also, and I just feel bad leaving someone who's in such pain even though he refuses to help himself.  I've suggested counseling so many times but he refuses.  I know you can't help someone who won't help themselves.  I know that.

So really, I'm back to square one.  I want him to change or at least go back to who he was (which I know I can't make happen) and I want the kind of r/s I know I can't get from him (support, respect, "normal" conversations, a life that includes my family and friends).

Without all this craziness (I can't think of a better word) in my life, I know I'd miss him, probably for a long time, but I also know that I can make a happy life for myself, which is all that I want - with him or without him.

P.S.  Thanks Val78 for these questions, they really made me think, deep down, about my life with him.

[SadWifeofBPD]

If you stay, then I hope all works out.

If you leave, then I wouldn't give him a heads up because then he can destroy your things or have time to figure something else out to control you.

[Validation78]

Hey Toomany!

Glad you have given some thought to my questions. I was called out often by fellow members to take a good hard look at my relationship, and what I was doing in it.

So, you are not so much in the FOG, since you are not afraid to leave, yet you are wrapped up in obligation and gult.

Let me say this, it sounds like you are putting his needs above your own. Yeah sure, he's ill, won't get help, not willing to do what it takes to make this relationship work or to improve his life. This is not your problem. I know you love him, however, if you loved yourself as much as you love him, you'd do what you have to do to make yourself happy and to take care of your needs before worrying about his. Until he gets appropriate treatment, he will continue to repeat this pattern as he has already demonstrated. It's sad, yes, of course. Just not your responsibility to fix it, which no matter how much you want to, or how hard you try, you will not be able to. The best you can do it manage the way you live with it. If you want to work on improving communication, and your well being, and your interaction, of course, we can help you! The thing is, you have to commit to the changes, and resign yourself to the fact that he is probably not going to change.

If you describe life with him as crappy, and you know you can make a happy life for yourself without him, the solution to your problem is all within your reach. The hurting heals. The missing him will diminish. The healing begins when you remove yourself from the toxic infuence. You are investing a lot of emotions in hoping to regain the honeymoon period. You know friend,  it's not coming back.

Best Wishes,

Val78