What to do when BPD says she still loves you yet still demonizes you?

[confusedhubby]

My wife and I are in the midst of divorce. She was diagnosed with BPD but is still in denial. She has a serious drinking problem and no impulse control. Because of her drinking I was given custody of our children.

Within days of our breakup she told me she was in love with someone she had only known for 2 weeks and had not felt like this in 20 years! Problem is that she is also cheating on her new boyfreind. She told me not long ago she thinks she may have developed a sex addiction.

Regardless, we have very little contact. The other day she called  and at first was actualy trying to reconciel. She was drunk and said told me she loved me, would always love me and missed me. However no sooner did she say this than she called me abusive and the primary reason for her life being destroyed. Does anyone have experience with this kind of rapid idealization / demonization? 

[Surnia]

Action speaks louder than words.

One of the very important things to learn for many here. (me too   )

She was drunk and said told me she loved me, would always love me and missed me.

It may sound harsh: She was drunk. Don't focus on words under drugs.

[Validation78]

Hi Confused!

Sorry to hear that you are having to endure the difficulties of a divorce. It's never easy, for any of the parties involved.

In answer to your question, yes, I have experienced this, as many of us here have. Keep in mind that BPD is a disorder fueled by guilt and shame. pwBPD often have the emotional maturity of youngsters, and little control over their emotions, and act out and say things without any consideration of the consequences. They have knee jerk reactions to emotions they are feeling, and their feelings=facts. There isn't necessarily any logic behind any of it. Add alcohol to the problem, and you'll never be able to predict what you'll get. Well, yes, you can, havoc!

Simply said, you cannot place any importance or belief in what she is saying. It's likely nonsense, as you already have discovered since you have choosen not to remain in the marriage!

Best Wishes,

Val78