Why is it about them and not us

[Learning_curve74]

There is a lot of focus here on our BPDexes. What is s/he doing, what is s/he thinking, will s/he be happier with the next partner, what is the motivation behind his/her contact/actions. Why are all these questions about them, the person we failed to rescue/change, and not about us, the one person who is hurting that we truly have the ability and power over to rescue and change?

Along with all the info I've read here at bpdfamily, which is truly a terrific resource, I've also been reading some about codependency. I thought that couldn't be me as I didn't think I shared many of the traits of codependents:

- low self esteem

- need for approval and recognition

- poor boundaries / guilt for asserting oneself vs needs of others

- reactivity / taking things personally

- need to control

- denial of feelings and needs

- giving up on self to please others

- fear of abandonment or being alone

I always thought that I was a very confident, happy, helpful, and people-loving individual. But now I realize that a lot of the things listed above were covered up by a veneer of confidence and ego. Focusing outwards on others kept me from looking in the mirror and undertaking the harder task of focusing inwards on my own issues. I now realize that I have a very high need for other people to need me and love me. I used to be generally okay alone, but I am giddy to euphoric when I am in a serious r/s, it can be intense.

It's true that my BPDex was/is a big mess. But it is also true that I have a lot of things to work through and not all of them arose solely out of the experience of having a r/s with a pwBPD. When I'm being overly worried about her, it's also mostly about me: why couldn't I save her, what did I do wrong, why do I still feel the need to be attached to somebody who I've decided to exercise nonattachment to, what's wrong with me?

Everyday I wonder at least once what is happening with my BPDex and a wave of sadness washes over me. I already spent so much time and energy on her in a futile quest to "save" her, so why must I keep ruminating upon my "failure"? I have a mutual friend that told me not to worry about her anymore, that it was time to worry and take care of myself now. I realize that everytime I've had a r/s end, the one question that is a constant is, "What's wrong with me?" Maybe it is time for me to focus on that instead of her and find out.

If you read all that, thank you for just "listening". I appreciate this forum and all you people who've felt the same pain.

[Relentless]

I feel a lot of similarities in emotion to what you just talked about. I have minor codependency, but its still there. It's less now because I started working on myself.

My self-esteem is crushed right now. But that's okay. I just got home from the gym. I got weight to lose. I've got things in life outside of her to focus on. The wave of sadness though... . That hit home. She painted me black and made me look bad to family and friends. Says she just wants to close the door on me and move on as if I never existed.

So what can I do? In my case she will be out of state for 4 months now... . So all I can do is what I had planned on doing, except as a single guy.

What can you do to make yourself feel better?

Www.inspiringhope.us has a few blog posts on it. I started that a couple months ago. I've faced myself to post again on there despite my situation

It's really tough. But it's like working out... . No one ever said, "We'll today I'm gonna feel really hitty AFTER my workout." But yet it's so hard to drag ourselves to do what is best for us... . Like leaving our ex. I know there were a ton of exceptions I made for her... . None for me. Anyways.

I say, "Try your best, to try your best."

I hope whoever reads this is doing as well as they can. Sorry if I said too much. Either way. Thx for the post Learning. I relate.

[talithacumi]

Congratulations, learningcurve!

Just being able to ask that question - in the midst of what most likely is all the loud, dissonant, glaring, blaring, gutwrenchingly painful and traumatic drama that tends to fill one's life in the immediate aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD - means you're actually probably ready to move on a little, focus more on yourself/those issues you mentioned, and start getting some of the answers to the questions you have about yourself/your part in this whole crazy experience.

The Personal Inventory board is a really good place to start.

And please know, you can always come back here to the Leaving board when your thoughts/focus wanders back to your ex pwBPD, what they said/did, what it might mean, and how much you're still hurting/struggling to come to terms with how all of it makes you feel.

One baby step at a time. You'll get there!

- TC

[Scout99]

I relate so much to the things you write here! Many times when I see what you write here and in other threads I often find myself thinking, I could have said those things myself... . I sense there is a lot of pain there still, in you as it is in me... . But you also give me hope. Because there is progress in daring to think about and begin to dare asking ourselves these very naked and raw questions about ourselves... .

This quote truly stood out to me:

It's true that my BPDex was/is a big mess. But it is also true that I have a lot of things to work through and not all of them arose solely out of the experience of having a r/s with a pwBPD. When I'm being overly worried about her, it's also mostly about me: why couldn't I save her, what did I do wrong, why do I still feel the need to be attached to somebody who I've decided to exercise nonattachment to, what's wrong with me?

Even though I am beginning to see, from an intellectual perspective and in truth really know what is wrong with me... . Making my feelings follow the lead, is the hard part... . And I too ask myself this very question almost daily these days... . What is wrong with me?

Thank you for sharing this and for making me feel like I am not alone in this struggle with myself! 

Best Wishes

Scout99

[snappafcw]

This topic confuses me a little. I am a people pleaser etc I would like to think my heart is genuinely in the right place... .

But i do have issues with co-dependancy and self worth so does this mean I'm not a good person after all? :/

[LoneWolf768]

snappafcw, I wrestle with this question all the time because I'm a co-dependent. I feel like I'm doing the right thing by always trying to be there for others i.e. driving them somewhere and not asking for gas money, lending them money, lending them personal items, etc. and it seems like EVERY time I do, I regret it later and want to kick myself for it backfiring on me. So to answer what you're asking... .

I feel like a good-hearted man for always being there for people... .

I beat myself up for not being able to say 'no' and helping them anway... .

Guess I'm torn between the good-hearted man and the fool.

[snappafcw]

Thanks LoneWolf thats what i mean I'm the same and in my line of work i give freebies to people every week with very little gratitude in return but thats ok... . But i do feel worthless right now and unworthy of having any love returned. BPD or not maybe my ex girlfriend was right to leave me then.

[LoneWolf768]

snappfcw, that is completely silly to think she deserved to leave you. Utter nonsense. I don't know where this is coming from but please... . don't feel that way. Maybe you're already gauging the people who you give freebies to and are taking mental inventory of who they are and will remember to not be so giving to them.

I started reading a book on co-dependency and it's really opened my eyes to what I was doing, how often, to whom and my feelings after putting someone's (everyone's, actually) needs first. I can't believe I let this happen to the point where I'm where I am in my life with this. I'm sure you're the same way but eventually, you learn to say 'no' without regret and you learn to tell people without guilt that you aren't able to help them out at that particular point in time. You learn to be a little selfish for a change and not feel guilty. It may be a good thing for you to pick up a book like that and give it a thorough read.

Until then, my friend... . please don't let an ex BPD'er determine your self-worth. I'm learning a little bit at a time that these people aren't the keepers to the keys of our happiness. Stay strong and give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it!   

[Gaslit]

Excellent Post!

P.S. Holy Moly! 6 or 7 out of 8 of the co-dependent traits are BPD traits as well! A hmmm... . moment.

I thought that couldn't be me as I didn't think I shared many of the traits of codependents:

- low self esteem

- need for approval and recognition

- poor boundaries / guilt for asserting oneself vs needs of others

- reactivity / taking things personally

- need to control

- denial of feelings and needs

- giving up on self to please others

- fear of abandonment or being alone

[snappafcw]

Great... . Thanks for the kind words lone wolf

There is one thing I like and one thing I don't like about clear minds advice

What I like: clear mind is blunt and tells it how it is. Only way we are going to heal and self improve

What I don't like: I sometimes feel like its implied I'm not a good person. I am flawed I'd like to think I don't have a bad bone in my body. But I'm feeling ashamed now for who I am. Lol sounds borderline

[Learning_curve74]

snappafcw, please don't equate being flawed with being a bad person. You are NOT a bad person. It's not being bad, it's called being human! 

I think the matter is finding balance between giving and being genuinely yourself. We generally are taught that giving and helping are virtuous and good. When we give so much to feed that feeling of helping and of being a good person at the cost of denying our own wants and needs, then we are out of balance.

This seems to be a recurring theme on the leaving board: why we give so much and get so little, get hurt, or get dumped in return.  :'(

[Learning_curve74]

Relentless and scout99, thank you both for empathizing. Sometimes I feel weak and stupid, I feel bad about feeling bad which is a downward spiral. It helps just to know other people struggle too.

TC thank you for the advice about the personal inventory board. I've been looking around it some already and will post when I think I feel ready. I know that I have work to do for myself to heal and to find a better way.