Why do I get sucked back in? Someone? What will it take?

[empower-me]

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on 'again' and really trying to focus very hard on why I am in this situation again.

After several failed attempts to re unite with very futile results I am now at the receiving end of him being distant and cold to me and I am the one that kicked him out and wanted this to go down this way for the last time~

So why do I still find it so hard to get that thru my thick head?

I spoke with him for about 2 weeks and had the 'friend' thing trying to go on between us as a way to just torture myself I guess or I think I was just really starting to panick again. You know, the being by youself at 50 and short on cash, thinking that 'if only'...  if only this and if only that... things could possibly be much easier or better, when in reality this is it!

I know that there is no short cut here. I have to tighten my belt and work a bit more and learn how to do without some things and forget the two income household and move on.

But the last time we spoke he was putting on the nice guy airs and had it all figured out and I just listened and kinda told myself I'd take it day by day, not getting my hopes up and then one afternoon he just lost it.

I reminded him of a large amount of money he said he was giving me for tires and he just came unglued... "I can't do this anymore!  I can't deal with all the emotions!  I'm done with everything!"  I'm just done with it.  "

So I said, "So what are you saying? You are going to file for a Divorce?"  " I'm saying I am done with this relationship period."

And he wouldn't give me a straight answer.  And this was after about a week of him and I talking a little and at least being cordial with each other.  I must admit I allowed myself to think beyond my safety zone and allowed myself to become somewhat vulnerable and that's when he lost it.

See, they sense when you are allowing yourself to put your guard down and he pulled back immediately. Thank God!

So now I am licking my post mortem wounds and wondering what in the hell is wrong with this picture.

That's when I started to re-read all the books that helped me break free originally and a few new ones.

The one that really hit home was Getting past your abusive past" and I felt like I got the slap I needed to wake up.  I am not alone in this battle in my mind to break free from this abusive relationship.  I don't want to live like that ever again,  I value myself more than that and I have my self worth and self respect that means everything to me not to mention my integrity to myself and my virtues and will not allow anyone to treat me cruel again.

So why do we have to keep reminding ourselves of this very obvious fact?  It is so mind boggling to me that I actually almost touched the stove again to be reminded that YES... It is hot. Very hot and wil burn your little A#@ off! If you get close enough.

It's been almost 2 weeks now and no contact whatsoever and I am so grateful for that.  I'm starting to snap out of it again and see thru my own disfunction and just how much internal work I have to do here.

I read that water rises to it's own level or however that saying goes. In other words we will attract individuals of our own mental or disfunctional caliber and if we end up with someone that is abusive it is due to deeper reasons than just us missing a mental illness in them.

We most likely have missed one within ourselves as well.  Well I know I have a whole lot of hang ups after 3 decades with chaotic living and it's no wonder I end up letting my guard down once I have a few months of peace and quiet.  That drug is missing or that adrenaline fix or the addiction to drama becomes apparent and I reach for the poison again.

It is very dangerous to be so close to being free from such a very unhappy and unwholesome way of life to almost allow myself to be re-sucked in by my own doing.

I have a Therapist and have expressed all of this to her and she is working with me but if anyone has other books or any advice or concrete suggestions to help me as I make the biggest transition of my life to find myself again and regain myself and the happiness I once felt for most of my youth until I met exBPDh, please share them with me now...

[empower-me]

I am really hoping to get some feedback here people... .

I am opening myself up to constructive criticism and whatever else it will take to move forward here and do what work is involved in rewiring my brain and just wanted some additional direction in this regard.

I know some of you have been here and are still here now. What are you doing to find the inner strength you need during those very low vulnerable times? thanks in advance.

[Surnia]

  empower-me

Very insightful and honest post. 

My first advice is trust your T and keep going.

I am a huge fan of moving the body too. Exercising, long walks, dancing - you can get some nice endorphines, which is good against being sucked back in drama.

[Learning_curve74]

empower-me, I don't have any specific advice for you, just a hug!  

You spent a lot of time trying to make it work, so it is natural to want to try "just one more time". If you put up with things and tried for so long, you must be a pretty strong person. So why not be strong for yourself for a change?

Also, you are never too old. I know a couple that met in their 70's who are extremely happy together. They are truly soulmates, part of what makes it work is that they are each very secure in their own identities, comfortable in their own skin. You don't have to wait that long, but it is never too late for your life to take a turn for the better!

[clairedair]

Hi empower-me

I have been googling "recovering from emotional abuse" and have found several helpful articles including one that stated

"do not seek comfort from your abuser"

I've held on to that phrase because I know in the past that I was vulnerable to recycles partly because I knew that I would instantly go from feeling awful to feeling loved, listened to, understood.  Of course, I conveniently ignored the fact that this honeymoon never lasted and all reconciliations ended in confusion and deep pain.

take care,

Claire

[pk]

Great post!  And yes, it is in the right place.  I get frustrated with the banners asking us if we are on the right board.  We are just trying to figure it out as we go too.

Your post really helped me alot.  It is only normal to seek out those old comfortable patterns once again.  For me, all I need is for my BPDh to be vulnerable and crying especially in a situation in which his safety might be at risk and I crumble and fold like a house of cards.

Sad really.  I want out and cant find the door.

[mcc503764]

 empower-me

Very insightful and honest post. 

My first advice is trust your T and keep going.

I am a huge fan of moving the body too. Exercising, long walks, dancing - you can get some nice endorphines, which is good against being sucked back in drama.

Exercise and working out were HUGE for me!  It was amazing how much more clear I can see things now!  For me, once I saw the physical changes happening, my confidence went through the roof!  This was VITAL for me to honestly come to the realization that I DESERVE MORE AND I REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!

mcc

[empower-me]

You guys!

Thanks so much! The support here is amazing and I soo appreciate it!

I want to thank all of you for sharing your personal feelings and how it can still be so hard to not cave into the feeling of wanting to help them or be with them or whatever!

It really kills me deep inside that even today when yesterday I felt as strong as steel to feel like I could actually call him and have that internal desire to hear from him. But! I will NOT do it!

And it's because I can come on here and talk to you guys and no i'm not alone.  And yes, thank you for the clarification.  I am over 7 mos out so I am not undecided but just trying to work thru the recycling of feelings I have had for this man for almost 30 yrs.

It too is my 2nd r/s and they were both abusive.  This last one was not as bad as the first but the BPD made me so clouded in what was ok and what was not acceptable by any means.

You do start to blurr the lines of the kind of behavior you allow to happen when any other time you'd NEVER let that go down.  So after making excuses or thinking I was strong enough to endure it, here I am struggling to figure out who I am and what it will take to let go and move on with my life.

Good thing is I still look kinda young.   Most people think i'm like in my 30's even though ... . big 50 baby!  and that makes me happy. I think I should look about 80 after all i've been thru. 

But that's all shallow and fleeting. I'm more concerned about improving my inner self at this point.  I do exercise and hike and make sure to get outside daily but it could be better that's for sure.

I have detached from so many friends over the years that it makes me sad that I only kept in touch with a few and even those friends are hard to call.  You just feel like you don't have the energy to dial the phone or something?  weird...   easier to stay in your shell...

So that is part of why I have the tendency to try and find comfort from 'the abuser'. So scary huh? Thanks for that tidbit.

I know that nothing good can come from it and just reading another persons post on here last night and seeing such a resemblance in what i've been thru from the cussing and the controlling and the disrespect and the apologies only to do it again a few day s later; well that really helped me to say... "girl! wake up!"  Is that really all you get?

No! thank you for reminding me that yes, why not allow myself to be happy now.  Why wouldn't I deserve that at this point? After the years and several decades I've put into the r/s knowing it was like hitting my head against a wall and I always came up short. 

That really is the definition of crazy huh?

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. insane for sure.

So today is a new day.  I don't see my T again til early September but in the meantime I have all of you...       Thanks again for all your help with this.

I am pretty determined to get over this hump and even in the last few days I have felt better.  I had a friend visit and then today I helped my disabled nieghbor and went grocery shopping for her and all of that helps me stay out of my head...   the bad area's that is.

So I'm on a mission.  A mission of mercy for my own soul this time.

WE can do it!   It's scary to read that if they call and need our help that we could cave like that...   Never may that happen friend!

Lets do this together ok?  We cannot allow that way of living any longer.  It's just not ok, ever.  Illness or no illness.  I choose US!  the 'non's that is... When it comes to this kind of abuse and misery without them taking any responsibility, nope, i'm sorry.  WE just can't do it any longer right? 

Anyone have any good reads for times like this?   

[clairedair]

Hi empowerme,

I haven't read her book but there's a good TED talk about domestic violence - her situation wasn't same as mine but I found it helpful because it describes how we can end up in abusive relationships and that the most intelligent, independent, successful of us can be sucked in.

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;topic=207867.0;num_replies=7

I was with my exH for nearly 30 years and am similar age to you (though I don't think I look like I'm in my 30s unfortunately!).  I think that's part of why I got 'sucked back in' - it hadn't always been the crazy rollercoaster of last few years and I thought we would eventually get back on an even keel. 

I've read a lot of books about BPD but I'm trying now to read more about what led me to behave the way I did and to put up with unhealthy behaviour from others.  I've also read a few articles on abusive relationships as I resisted admitting that my relationship had been abusive so did not really reflect on this until recently.

Hope you are able to re-establish connections with old friends or make new ones.

[MammaMia]

Hi empower

Welcome.  Sorry to hear of your situation, but clearly, you are on the right path.  You must stay strong.

Unfortunately, our abusers after make us feel responsible for the abuse.  They also make us feel responsible for THEIR happiness and welfare.  Neither could be farther from the real truth. 

YOU need to move forward to a new life.  One that makes YOU happy.  Do not dwell on the past abuse.  It is over and dead just like your relationship.  Learn from what has happened and vow to never let it happen again.  It is time to reclaim your life and move forward.  When you have reached your limit in a toxic relationship, you need to "flip the switch" that shuts it off completely.  This can be done but it takes a lot of courage.  No matter what your ex says, do not allow him to manipulate you.  That part of your life is over.  Sever your ties to the past.

Yes, this is easier said than done, but with time things will get better.  You have a future that only you can determine.  You have not failed this relationship... . you have risen above it.

We are here to help you and support you in any way we can.  We can offer advice and guidaance, but ultimately the major decisions belong to you.  Please keep us informed.  You CAN do this and your life will be so much better for it.  Freedom is an awesome thing.

[mcc503764]

I know for me, the cycle would constantly repeat itself... . Multiple recycles later and each time it would always end the same way... .

Then I just got to the point to where I want more for myself.  More than she could ever give... . I deserved / demanded respect!  This newfound self-worth didn't come easy, by any means... . it was and still is a process for me... . to an extent.

It got far past the point of "love" for me, it was a nasty addiction.  Point is, I tried... . to the best that I knew how... . that's all I can do, I have to accept that and move forward with my life... . I cannot continue to live in the past, because there is nothing there for ME!

We served our purpose in each other's lives for the time that we were "together... . "  We were both there through quite a few traumatic events in each other's lives... . My x, (who is a therapist,) said that we had a "trauma bond," and that our issues played off of one another... . Makes sense... .

I used to think that "love would conquer all... . " but not in this situation.  Perhaps it was my own personal definition of "love" that kept me in the dance for so long, holding onto some fictious "glimmer of hope?" 

But, in the end life happens.  We may not understand "why" at the time, but it will make sense one day... . perhaps this will lead me to the true "love of my life?"  I have no idea, so I will continue down my path with my head held high, because at the end of the day, I did everything in my power to try and make things work!

That's MY acceptance of the situation and I can move forward with who / what I want to be in MY life!

On a side note, my grandmother is in the hospital.  Her room is actually a few rooms down from where my x's father passed away a few years ago.  I spent weeks in that area with my x as he was dying.  I visited the chapel at the hospital multiple times during this.  I prayed, I sat in silence with my own thoughts, to try and reach a level of peace during that time... .

I visited my grandmother yesterday and which quickly reminded me of the time that I had previously spent there with my x and her family.  I found myself looking at the room where he passed, remembering the conversations that I had with him.  Then I remembered the promise that I made to him before he passed... . I promised him that I would take care of his little girl... .

I passed by the hospital chapel yesterday and stopped in.  There is a book in the chapel to write prayers in.  I wrote an apology to her father for not living up to the promise that I had made him... . Point is, I tried the best I could... . the best that I knew how to... .

I know it may sound quirky, but I have felt a sense of relief since then... . Maybe I feel like I asked him for forgiveness and apologized that I let him down?  I don't know and I don't even know if it can relate to your story,  but perhaps developing the sense of acceptance and letting go of any guilt or shame that you may still be carrying around may help you on your recovery from all of this?

Just a thought

MCC

[KellyO]

My rs was much, much shorter than yours. But it was intense, full of chaotic phases of being together and then even months of separation. I was always the one who recycled... . I think he was just opportunist: I was there and willing to cather his every whim in my bottomless need to get his acceptance. I know all your feelings from heart, and I know your pain and suffering.

The final ending was a mixture of things: me changing and getting so independent I could really detach, him trying to get more control over me by refusing any sexual actions, even kissing, and me, finally, being able to pinpoint what my deal with him was. He was just like my mother. He evoked every single one of my childhood issues in me. And then he accidently was very honest (believe me, it was an accident from his part) and actually admitted that he does not even like me. Finally I believed it.

More and more time goes by, and more and more I can pinpoint what was going on. I just had enough of his bs. Finally. I delt with my issues, and after that his issues were so obvious I dropped all wishful thinking and honestly admitted to myself that this man is not honest, he is not fair, he is not friendly and he is not giving. He believes he is, and he tried to make me believe he is, and then he tried to force me to believe he is , but in truth he is manipulative, selfish, immature, unloving, greedy and rude. And aggressive. And not very smart.

And now when I know, really know in me what kind of person he is, I have no slightest interest to ever see him again. I'm only slightly repulsed by him. I have no compassion for him either, and believe me, I had it plenty once. He does not need it, so I save it for myself.

[mcc503764]

And now when I know, really know in me what kind of person he is, I have no slightest interest to ever see him again. I'm only slightly repulsed by him. I have no compassion for him either, and believe me, I had it plenty once. He does not need it, so I save it for myself.

It's truly amazing when we learn how to care for ourselves.  The recycles actually helped me to see things much more clear!  As my life was changing, mostly for the better, hers was staying the same... . even worse in some aspects.

So, as I was getting healthier, she was going in the other direction.  I was able to gage her pretty well.  She is an extremely vain person, and has to keep the appearance that she is doing great, but the reality of the situation is the complete opposite... .

She told me the last time I talked with her... . "you look great... . everything about you is great... . it seems the farther I get from you, the better you do... . how do you think that makes me feel?"  Well lady, MY life isn't about YOU anymore, so I guess as an adult in this world, you should probably learn to accept that one!  I could really care less if I see her again!

Her friends told me that she has always been this way, even as a child, and no amount of care could change the situation... . I guess that was my reality check with that one!

So, her actions nowadays show the person that she truly is... . as you said, mine share all of the same traits that yours has, and I am personally nearing indifference.  I am not there yet, but close!

[empower-me]

Thank you guy's again so much for the great input,

I really needed to read every single word from ALL of you!

I have been soo down lately and just feeling very emotional and depressed and no zest for life at all. I am not normally this depressed so this one kinda scared me.  Thoughts of suicide but not really doing the act just thinking "What if I became suicidal?  Or... NOw I understand what people are starting to feel when they think about this horrific act... "  things like that.  And then I reminded myself with a lot of prayer and love that "This day will pass and you'll wake up tomorrow and feel better!  :  And I didn't really feel better the next day either. 

But I forced myself to go to work and I mean I barely made it thru the day. I was a wreck!

Then I figured out that I have been supplementing with some hormones for my low T and thyroid and also started DHEA and it made me so hormonal and a basket case!   I figured it out after the fact and now have backed off and cut the doses way down and almost feel like myself again!

Man! That was soo scary.  Hormones are very powerful indeed...

But back to my appreciation for all of you... .


Clairedaire, thank you for the loving reminders...   and yes I am really trying to make reconnecting with friends a goal and meeting new ones too.

That's been a huge problem for me since I have been struggling with isolation issues and depression since god knows how long/ too long but i'm seeing a slight improvement and that makes me happy.


Mammamia,

Thank you so much for reminding me how much I have grown from the r/s and how I didn't fail.  I know I tried so hard even though I take full responsibility for my part in it and did make a mess of things by just being so enmeshed and enabling at time s but I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time and I know I have to move on. 

My future really is in my hands now and right now the first order of the day is getting my mind and body stabilized.   I really have been so messed up from these back and forth episodes and the older I get the harder it is to recover.    Thanks for the reminder of always being here to help me and others while we struggle for higher ground... so sweet...

mcc, Thank you also for sharing your personal struggle with me.  I pray that your grandmother is getting better.   I understand the recycling all to well and yes, they can really become the hardest addiction in the world to rid ourselves of.

I know that I describe how I feel about him in those terms.  Sure, I care about him and pray he is ok but love?  i'm just not sure if I can honestly call it that when in my mind love is kind and respectful and joyful and friendly...   gee, even a little common courtesy would be nice to have love be felt right?  So it was more of an attachment to him for so many years that I just developed a warped sense of reality and felt that was the love I got out of life.  That was it for me...

So I carried on and found happiness and joy elsewhere, in friends and family that were thankfully a bit more normal.  But at home it was very sad and pretty lonely.   But still I got my fix of adrenaline from the shouting or the craziness out of nowhere that had my head reeling so many nights it wasn't even funny.

And no matter how often he went off like that I always felt like it was the first time.  And I was soo disregulated for several days.  I was just a mess and he'd carry on as if nothing even happened.  Laughing at TV show's and just business as usual. It would actually blow my mind that he was so composed after attacking me like a wild crazy person and I was so nervous, shaking inside.  That was my life for many many years, embarrassing enough to admit.

So yes, as Mammamia said, I deserve ; As YOU said, We demand more!

And I too did just that every time we would attempt to reunite after he would put on such airs about changing and being a different person it would go right back to before, but as you said worse with each attempt. Very futile indeed.  But my promise to myself would still be in my mind.  I may have given in and lost the battle but not the war...   I may have made it hard again on myself to move forward but i've learned that it's just part of the detachment process after 30 yrs and not to beat myself up for it.  Sure I feel lonely and many days so lost cuz all I knew was being his wife and waking up each day wondering what kind of chaos I would ward off for that day.

What crazy behavior would I have to see or not see.

Would he be happy or evil... and that in turn depicted how I would feel.

but that is so crazy right!   I now have my own home even though things are tight, I have peace and quiet and my animals...   a stray kitty and a rabbit and a dog and have my independence that I am still trying to respect and hold onto.

I must admit I still have visions of him and I reuniting and doing it all over again and it scares the HELL out of me and I know that is just this strong addiction kicking in just like any other drug addict right?

You never forget the urges butyou have to keep fighting them and doing your program. Well that's what i'm doing right now.

I have had a HORRIBLE week of the worst PMS and hormonal fluxuations but thta has since past and i'm feeling better so now I can focus back on the business at hand.  My life and trying to get back to living it.

I do tend to isolate and I was the life of the party once upon a time.

I too lost my smile many moons again and i'm still forcing it most days and hoping one day it will just stick again and i'll be ok again.

I pray this isn't as good as it gets, as Jack said... in the movie. That would really suck bigtime.  I would allow for that to happen.  It has to get much better than this.  It's still too new out of the r/s to see the results I need to see so i'll just keep reminding myself of that.

I didn't get here in a month and I sure wont be all better in a couple of months either.  God I hope that breakdown of a month for each year of an abusive marriage isn't right either, or it may be longer?

BTW... I didn't think your apology sounded quirky at all.  It made perfect sense really. 

You wrote what you had to in order to be free from the feelings of any obligation you were feeling and so you wouldn't feel any unnecessary guilt either.   And we both know it would of been very unnecessary but we feel what we feel and in your mind you made a promise and had to wipe the slate clean and you did. 

I really can see how that applies to my situation because I have a great deal of guilt that I feel from time to time due to how I have handled things very badly at times and went looking for him when he was trying to move on but noo... I had to recycle him and pull him right back in even though I didn't intend to do it so deeply, we all know better right? Once they see a crack, it's all over... Until they decide to push us away again...   Gawd, it's so twisted...

Kelly,

You basically expressed many of the realities of how I have seen my ex as well and had to write those horrible traits down as a way to remind myself what I was leaving and how I did not want to be tortured with that painful way of living any longer.

I too did not like that person he was/ is and most of the time I had to just grin and bear it cuz that 's just what we do... or what we used to do.

I know the Jekkle/ Hyde persona comes into play and that loving person is so easy to want to eat up and never let go of when they can be that person for a decent amount of time but once they let their guard down or get dysregulated and attack us, wow. what a nasty reality check that is.

So yes, how can we ever plan any kind of future or life with any real substance based on that type of mental illness in the works?

It was so difficult to do all those years but I had many distractions and friends back then.  After many years I lost my will to live up to the demands of keeping those friendships in tact and now I'm pretty much alone most of the time and i'm sure that's whats killing me right now.

No one is an island right?  But I had become so enmeshed with just surviving and dealing with his bs that everything and everyone else got pushed out of my life and now what am I left with?  A whole lot of nothin and a great deal of boredom and a lot of health issues that make it very hard to even get motivated to go anywhere.

So it's not a pretty picture.  No wonder I feel like getting back with him might be the lessor of two evils compared to where I feel i'm at now.

but I know, it's the addiction talking!

I can improve, I look better than I feel thank god, not perfect and my self esteem has taken a HUGE hit but I know how it felt when I was very confident and the life of the party. I don't have to be 'all that' anymore, but just having a few close friends that I can really feel closer to would be a good place to start.  I have a few/ a handful but it's just energy and effort to keep them up and I am so low on that right now.

It does seem so much easier to just pet the cat and read a book... .

thanks so much again for the amazing replies.  e-m


Ke

[Ironmanrises]

Empower,

They reactivate your feelings for them. Once reactivated, there is no off switch. Someone who has BPD... . has an on/off switch. They simply switch it off when they discard you. While you, me, and everyone else on here do not have that option. Our feelings have to whither and die. We all know exactly how that feels. NC is only thing you can do. When my exUBPDgf re-engaged me after 3 months NC... . I tried to resist the first text message she sent. The 2nd day, she sent 17 text messages. As soon as i replied to one of her texts that second day, and then answered her phone call(begging and crying fir me to take her back)... . she had me. My feelings started to reactivate. She told me "I want my man back." (Painted white)That soothed her. Fast forward a few months. She left me. Told me at the end, "There was nothing about you I really liked... . Your love for me was fake." (Painted black) You would think this was 2 different people i was describing. It wasn't. This was the same person. That was 42 days ago. I still tumble.

[empower-me]

Oh my dear Ironman!

How jacked up it is.  That just shakes me to my core to read that.

I've lived it so many times but for some reason reading it from the outside looking in with your situation, it becomes so much more painfully real.

I guess I really hadn't wrapped my head around the reality of how sick that cycle is and just how inhumane it can be.  How can we if we can't think in terms like that?

How do you ever come to terms with it? You don't right? You just stay N/C and not fall for the bait and run!  But again, easier said than done.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and experienced that.   I really feel for you on this one.   It hurts very badly and I suppose it helps in some ways to spur us on to revisit our own internal wounds and why we are so vulnerable with them in the first place / ya think?  stay strong...

[KellyO]

She told me the last time I talked with her... . "you look great... . everything about you is great... . it seems the farther I get from you, the better you do... . how do you think that makes me feel?"  Well lady, MY life isn't about YOU anymore, so I guess as an adult in this world, you should probably learn to accept that one!  I could really care less if I see her again!

Buahahaha! This is a perfect example of the logic of disordered person, and I have seen it many times too. I have a thought: maybe they think that every one else is just acting too. I know my ex seems to believe everyone is like him. So, in her mind you getting better and being happy without her is just an act in order to hurt her, and you might as well drop it!

[Learning_curve74]

I do tend to isolate and I was the life of the party once upon a time.

I too lost my smile many moons again and i'm still forcing it most days and hoping one day it will just stick again and i'll be ok again.

I pray this isn't as good as it gets, as Jack said... in the movie. That would really suck bigtime.  I would allow for that to happen.  It has to get much better than this.  It's still too new out of the r/s to see the results I need to see so i'll just keep reminding myself of that.

I didn't get here in a month and I sure wont be all better in a couple of months either.

empower, keep smiling, even a forced smile can lift your spirits simply because our minds react to our bodies and vice versa. Your posts show that you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you stuck by your ex for so long meant you had a big heart too. You have the blinders off now and can build true self-confidence which is a naturally amplifying feedback loop: the more confident you are, the more things go your way, and the more things go your way, the more confident you become. Take it day by day and be patient with yourself. GOod luck 

[empower-me]

Thank you so much learning_Curve74,

You made me cry today reading your very consoling and encouraging words.

I am really at a loss most days to understand what has truly happened to my confidence and who I used to be and it hurts pretty bad.

I was the one that kept everyone else in check and on top of things and now, well, I am not that person at this point and most can see that and I think that's the part that hurts the most.  I guess that is my pride getting in the way thinking too much about what others think.  It's been an issue for too long.  I will have to bring that up in T cuz it's not healthy I know that. Maybe it's a normal feeling at this point?

I know that if I didn't have the health issues that affect my emotional tendencies as well, i'd probably be a lot better off than I am now so I have to remember that.  This is the summation of a whole lot of factors and not just me falling apart.  

But getting from here to where I would like to be is a long process and as you said I just have to take it day by day and believe in myself and start to see good things happen and then the rest will just fall into place eventually.    Lot's of personal internal dialog and positive feedback.

I did talk to an old friend today for like an hour and it was so refreshing.  I really must make it a personal goal to call a friend at least every week so I can feel connected to something much bigger and much more joyful than what I am feeling when i'm low or down on myself.

thanks again for your loving words.  e-m  

[empower-me]

Well I stood my ground.

My exh called me to let me know he was putting some money in my account and I just thanked him and said I was walking out the door.

He sounded good and I really wanted to ask him how he was doing and talk more but felt that I would be setting myself up for danger so I cut it short.

After I felt so proud of myself for doing the right thing. I wasn't easy but the reading material I've been into lately helped alot! I'm currently reading Tears and Healing and it was very good timing.

Just a quick update... .

[mcc503764]

She told me the last time I talked with her... . "you look great... . everything about you is great... . it seems the farther I get from you, the better you do... . how do you think that makes me feel?"  Well lady, MY life isn't about YOU anymore, so I guess as an adult in this world, you should probably learn to accept that one!  I could really care less if I see her again!

Buahahaha! This is a perfect example of the logic of disordered person, and I have seen it many times too. I have a thought: maybe they think that every one else is just acting too. I know my ex seems to believe everyone is like him. So, in her mind you getting better and being happy without her is just an act in order to hurt her, and you might as well drop it!

Yeah... . same MO... . everything is about her... . I cannot tolerate the 3-yr old "ME, ME, ME" mentality... . I look better and am taking care of myself for one of the first times in my life because I am finally able to!

Reminds me of a time when I was with her.  I joined a gym and didn't tell her.  I would go to the gym while she was at work so she wouldn't know about it.  I hid this from her, because I knew she would accuse me of cheating, or think that I was setting up a plan to leave her on some level.  No, I just wanted to feel better about myself... . plain and simple... .

When my x did find out that I was going to the gym, she accused me of "living a secret life... . "  My Dear Jesus, in retrospect, I kinda wished I would have... .

MCC

[empower-me]

Glad your doing better mcc,

I'm feeling a little bit down today but I know it will pass.

[mcc503764]

And I am as well... . I still find myself thinking about her, missing her (or the connection with another person) but once I get moving here and go about my day, I'll be alright... .

When the time is right, it will happen... . I actually considered looking into online dating, never really thought I would, but I couldn't even begin think about how I'd describe myself... .

I guess I am kind of stuck in a rut right now, and I need to get past the self-destructive thinking... .

Hope you're doing well

MCC

[empower-me]

Thanks MCC,

I know for myself too that as 'soon as I get moving here and do something uplifting, be around other people and just change my lonely thinking I feel so much better.

But i'm kinda fighting the 'rut' thing too.

I think we are feeling some similar stuff but I know that i'm too emotionally unstable to even consider thinking about another r/s.  I know men and women differ in that area but it would just make me more mental...

take care and move slowly ... .

[mcc503764]

Thanks MCC,

I think we are feeling some similar stuff but I know that i'm too emotionally unstable to even consider thinking about another r/s.  I know men and women differ in that area but it would just make me more mental...

take care and move slowly ... .

I am very relaxed when it comes to this.  I really tend to approach the entire situation that I could either take it or leave it.  I'll be 37 here in another month.  My age doesn't bother me, but looking back, 2 marriages, 2 kids, etc... . I have developed the "been there... . done that" type mentality... .

"Indifferent" I guess is the word of the day for me! 

Take care

MCC

[clairedair]

I am really at a loss most days to understand what has truly happened to my confidence and who I used to be and it hurts pretty bad.

Hi empower-me

the confidence is slowly sapped and sometimes it's so subtle that we don't notice it's happening at the time.

I find myself really angry with myself that I let this happen so it gets worse - I criticise myself and my confidence slips again.  I try to remember how I was in a job where I did well - I imagine myself in my suit talking to people etc and the image helps me to dispel the negative voice in my head.

We had at least one significant other feed us negative messages so let's not add our own!

I was the one that kept everyone else in check and on top of things and now, well, I am not that person at this point and most can see that and I think that's the part that hurts the most.  I guess that is my pride getting in the way thinking too much about what others think.  It's been an issue for too long.  I will have to bring that up in T cuz it's not healthy I know that. Maybe it's a normal feeling at this point?

I was always proud of being someone who held things together and kept going no matter what but I see now that this isn't actually a healthy attribute!  I am not comfortable with feeling that people think I'm a bit of a mess just now but I am trying to give myself a break.  30 years is a long time to be with someone and live a certain way - can't 're-programme' everything in a couple of months. 

Well I stood my ground.

My exh called me to let me know he was putting some money in my account and I just thanked him and said I was walking out the door.

He sounded good and I really wanted to ask him how he was doing and talk more but felt that I would be setting myself up for danger so I cut it short.

Sounds like it was difficult to do, so well done for not engaging more than necessary. 

take care,

Claire

[longroad06]

  ... . him trying to get more control over me by refusing any sexual actions, even kissing... .

... . this man is not honest, he is not fair, he is not friendly and he is not giving. He believes he is, and he tried to make me believe he is, and then he tried to force me to believe he is , but in truth he is manipulative, selfish, immature, unloving, greedy and rude. And aggressive. And not very smart.

This is my husband. It's like you were in my mind but I haven't left yet.

How long did it take you to first get to that point? I'm for years in, two married, to this guy. I've been to see a lawyer but right now I have an 8 week old infant and need to formulate a plan be it to stay (he says he wants me gone and will terminate his rights to his daughter if he never had to sew me again) or give him what he wants and file. Im leaning towards the latter... . but need to get back to work and earning a paycheck first

[MammaMia]

longroad

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.  You need to do whatever is best for you and your daughter.

Having an infant and going back to work can be pretty overwhelming.  When you add a BPDh, you REALLY have your hands full.

Be kind to yourself ... . you deserve it.  I also hope you have family and friends close by to support you through this and to help with the baby. Stay strong, for yourself and for her.

We are here for you.

[empower-me]

Thanks Clairdair for the kind response,

I do feel a bit like you stated as well.  I know now it was not the healthiest of behaviors to be the one that everyone relied on or looked to in order to get things done, be it my dad or my mom or siblings and particularly my exBPDh... . and i'm sure that attitude within itself paved the road to my demise...  health and energywise.

And just as you've mentioned, I too do not like to be viewed as someone that is a bit messy or all over the place, I am glad to not be on the perfect pedestal any longer.  That was a tiring place to reside!

But now I can exhale a bit more and just know that I am doing the best I can with the tools that I have and I am far from having it all together but I'm not a basket case either.

Being more realistic with myself feels good most days. Some days I am a total wreck but I tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day and it usually is.

I am feeling a bit more confident the better I feel healthwise so i'm making a real concerted effort to take very good care of myself, resting when needed, eating well and exercising daily and especially exercising my mind and feeding it with positive reinforcement.

This is helping me thus far fight off the negative tendencies to self loathe or drown in the poor me pity party.   NO fun doing that.

Thanks again for the support and hope you are doing better longroad, it sure can be one 'long road' so we sure are here for you in the interim.