My ex accused me, and I feel very guilty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So here is a backstory. Please give me your feedback, this is really hurting and bothering me.

So while I was dating my gf, I was of course reading a lot about BPD. From my gf's twitter I stumbled on a girl who was suffering from BPD, and she had a detailed blog which talked in great detail about her struggles with BPD. I found it very insightful, because she is very good at writing and she outlined how the world looks like from the eye of a pwBPD.

At one point, she wrote in her blog about a very traumatizing experience (her father had her evicted from her new apartment, and she was struggling). I felt very very bad for her, so I made a twitter and told her to be strong, encouraged her etc. I felt really bad for her because I knew from my experience that pwBPD have it very rough.

I tweeted her quite a lot with supporting words.

I didn't know her, and I didn't want anything from her, I just wanted to make her feel better.

I guess I tried my best to make my girl happy, but I couldn't, so it made me feel happy that I at least could help another pwBPD. It validated me to be able to help someone, seeing as I obviously could not make my girl happy, despite my efforts.

My ex always accused my of always having ulterior motives, so I showed her my twitter conversations with that girl. I told her that I obviously didn't want anything from that girl, I just wanted to encourage her and make her feel better. It was my way of saying "See, I'm a generally helpful and friendly person. When I'm friendly with someone, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them." (She would always rage when I would be friendly/polite when talking to women.)

A couple of weeks ago, my ex sent me an email in which she accused me of having an "emotional relationship" with that girl. She said that many people agreed that I did in fact have an "emotional relationship" with that girl. She wrote: "You cheated on me and that's a fact."

Now I'm questioning myself. Did I act like a jerk? Did I in fact have an "emotional relationship" with that girl?

It makes me feel very guilty.

What do you guys think? Please be honest. Maybe I did behave like a jerk. Should I apologize to her?

Thank you in advance!

[cska]

So here is a backstory. Please give me your feedback, this is really hurting and bothering me.

So while I was dating my gf, I was of course reading a lot about BPD. From my gf's twitter I stumbled on a girl who was suffering from BPD, and she had a detailed blog which talked in great detail about her struggles with BPD. I found it very insightful, because she is very good at writing and she outlined how the world looks like from the eye of a pwBPD.

At one point, she wrote in her blog about a very traumatizing experience (her father had her evicted from her new apartment, and she was struggling). I felt very very bad for her, so I made a twitter and told her to be strong, encouraged her etc. I felt really bad for her because I knew from my experience that pwBPD have it very rough.

I tweeted her quite a lot with supporting words.

I didn't know her, and I didn't want anything from her, I just wanted to make her feel better.

I guess I tried my best to make my girl happy, but I couldn't, so it made me feel happy that I at least could help another pwBPD. It validated me to be able to help someone, seeing as I obviously could not make my girl happy, despite my efforts.

My ex always accused my of always having ulterior motives, so I showed her my twitter conversations with that girl. I told her that I obviously didn't want anything from that girl, I just wanted to encourage her and make her feel better. It was my way of saying "See, I'm a generally helpful and friendly person. When I'm friendly with someone, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with them." (She would always rage when I would be friendly/polite when talking to women.)

A couple of weeks ago, my ex sent me an email in which she accused me of having an "emotional relationship" with that girl. She said that many people agreed that I did in fact have an "emotional relationship" with that girl. She wrote: "You cheated on me and that's a fact."

Now I'm questioning myself. Did I act like a jerk? Did I in fact have an "emotional relationship" with that girl?

It makes me feel very guilty.

What do you guys think? Please be honest. Maybe I did behave like a jerk. Should I apologize to her?

Thank you in advance!

[Learning_curve74]

I bet your ex is projecting. If she cannot accept the shame that comes with blaming herself, then it is much easier to accuse you of something instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.

It is also a distortion meant to minimize her own bad behaviors while at the same time manipulating you.

Do you think apologizing serves any purpose? Will you feel any relief if she doesn't reply back to your apology or she accepts your apology but says you're still a cheater not to be trusted?

In my opinion when somebody cannot accept a truthful heartfelt apology, it is not worth giving one as it makes both people angry or miserable.

[eternity75]

My personal opinion... . NO you did not have an emotional relationship with that girl.

The way I see it, an emotional relationship means a couple of things. First that you are sharing intimate hopes, dreams, feelings, and details of your life etc with another person outside of your relationship... . and secondly that the sharing of those details creates an intimate bond with that person where feelings arise for one or both parties.

My BPD(ex)bf has had many of these emotional relationships with other women. These include sharing things with them he doesn't share with me, sending them intimate messages like I miss you, I love you, I can't wait to be with you, I dream of you, I want to make love to you etc.

There is a difference between being emotionally intimate with another person and being supportive to them. If you don't cross that line of intimacy, to me, it is not cheating... . it is the same as friendship.

[Surnia]

cska

I can so relate with feeling guilty when someone is stating full force: You did this and this is that! And it is a very uncomfortable place to be. 

I didn't know her, and I didn't want anything from her, I just wanted to make her feel better.

I guess I tried my best to make my girl happy, but I couldn't, so it made me feel happy that I at least could help another pwBPD. It validated me to be able to help someone, seeing as I obviously could not make my girl happy, despite my efforts.

This makes sense to me.

You did nothing wrong in my eyes.

Your girlfriend made her feelings to facts: She felt like you are cheating "and this is a fact".

[LoneWolf768]

cska, wow... . the more I'm on this site. the more I see so many parallels to things my ex BPD'er did and said. I honestly felt a chill go up my spine reading your post.  I totally agree with learning_curve47 that yes, she's so used to placing blame on anyone she feels 'wrongs' her, she sin't going to stop now. These people must have it engraved in their psyche to blame others makes them feel better about themselves. And that's despicable.

I also agree with eternity. All you did was show a sensitive and caring side to what this woman is dealing with... . and your ex has to make you feel bad for that? I'm sure she did make you feel bad because BPD'ers seem to have it down pat how to make someone ashamed to do anything nice for anyone but THEM!

Surnai also makes a great point that after you feel really, really good about yourself for affecting another person in such a positive manner, along comes the BPD'er to completely ruin the moment. Uncomfortable? Yeah, I'll agree with that.

cska, I'm sure somewhere inside of her lies some jealousy because you have the ability to reach out to people and make them feel better and help them through a tough time.

The world is terribly void of people like you. Don't let her affect your happiness and the happiness you bring others. Hope you're okay, too.

[danley]

Cska,

I don't see anything wrong with what you did. You were being supportive and had no intentions of taking it to an emotional affair. What everyone has commented before me sounds about right. Perhaps also your ex didn't WANT you learning more about BPD? Whatever the case may be, you shouldn't feel bad or have to apologize. You showed your ex the tweets and explained. She can't Trust you?  Probably because she wouldn't be trustworthy if the tables were turned. She says all her friends think you were having an emotional affair. The smear campaign is an attempt to make you look like the bad guy of the relationship. It takes the heat off of HER for all her wrongdoings. She seems to want to play victim.

The only thing I'd say is that if my bf were tweeting a girl, I'd initially feel threatened due to his past. But if he were to show me the tweets and explain, I'd be more inclined to Trust his motives. You crossed all your T's and dotted all your I's here, cska. No need to feel bad about someone who has Trust and self esteem issues. And good job being supportive and encouraging to someone in need.

[Aussie0zborn]

No you weren't a jerk. They only like it when you do things for them. Not your fault so don't beat yourself over it.