Difficulty coming to term with the fact that the r/s is over

[Blaise]

I remember a discussion with my T -- this was two years ago after the second breakup with my dBPDexgf (we then recycled and broke up again in January this year).

I told my T that I had difficulties coming to the fact that the r/s was over and was suffering a lot.

He told me that the grief after a r/s with someone mentally ill was often worse than when confronted with death of a loved one.

That is because the person is still here and WE have to accept that the r/s is dead.

I thought this might help some of us who, like me, struggle day after day to come over the loss of our loved ones.

[heartandwhole]

Blaise,

Thank you for relating what your T said, that's really interesting.  My breakup came one month after I lost my father.  I felt that the pain from the breakup overtook the grieving for my dad, but I can't be sure.  All I know is that it hurt like hell, and like you said, it was a daily struggle.

Things are so much better now. I've accepted that it's over and we'll never be together, and I feel good about that.  

Where are you in your grieving process?  

[hardhabit2break]

I agree with your T Blaise, the death of the end of this type of relationship is worse than a death of a loved one.  This may sound mean, but I feel so strongly that if my uBPD H had died, this would actually be easier for me. Of course I would not have wanted to find out about the betrayal and maybe he could have died with respect.

My father, who I adored and respected, died 7 years ago. We (me, my H, our two kids) lived upstairs from my mom and dad. He was a huge part of my life and I saw him everyday. When he died suddenly I was devastated. But I went through the normal grieving process.

What I am going through now is more painful.  This person who I loved for so long (31years) is dead in a sense. I think acceptance will take longer than with a true death. And closure may never come. So many unanswered questions. And I have to accept that.

Would I rather be a grieving widow, grieving for a man I loved and respected, sharing the grief with family and friends?  Actually, YES, I would. Selfish maybe, but I am entitled to be selfish right now

[Blaise]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you for responding. It's good to know that it can and will get much better with time. I am happy for you because it really sounds like you have found some peace. And thank you for the hug 

I think I still cannot accept that it's over and that we will never have the r/s I was hoping for. My dBPDexgf has been in therapy for 12 years -- I knew it and it should probably have been a red flag but I learnt the BPD diagnosis much later -- and I somehow keep hoping that she will be cured, realize that I will not abandon her and that therefore there is no danger in having intimacy.

That is probably why it is so difficult: when someone you love dies, there is no falls hope that the person may come back. I can imagine that it can be even more difficult when there is no diagnosis and you are left to figure out what happened.

[heartandwhole]

Hi again Blaise,

Yes, the fantasy of things going back to the way they were, or fulfilling the potential that we see is so hard to let go.  I felt the same.  My pwBPD was diagnosed and in therapy, too.  He was very caring, aware of his issues, and worked hard at his recovery.  Nevertheless, I couldn't remain in the relationship.  He did me a favor by breaking up with me, because I was hoping beyond hope that with our love we could overcome every obstacle.  Now, I think it would have been a disaster, because of my own issues in addition to his.  I became desperate to hold on to the love and attention that he gave me, that I had been longing for for so long.  It wasn't sustainable - on his end, or mine.

Letting go is one of the hardest things I've done.  It doesn't negate the love and respect I had/have for him.  It doesn't negate how hard we both tried to give the other what they wanted, however unhealthy that behavior was.  We were both doing the best we could with our outdated coping mechanisms.

I really understand the pain that comes from feeling that we have abandoned our partners.  But if we stay without learning to care for ourselves, we are abandoning ourselves - and that hurts just as much in the long run.

We are here for you - when you are with her, when you are without her.  All bases are covered. 

[Blaise]

Hi again... .

Your story rella yrelates to mine.

My pwBPD was in therapy and well aware of her difficulties. I believe that she was able to control some of her behaviours, which made life with her possible.

At the beginning, she was loving, caring, affectionate, all sort of things I had been longing for a long time and never found in a partner.

At the same time, she was controlling, looking depressed, angry at everything, all sort of things that were destructive for the r/s. So when she set me an ultimatum -- either you divorce form your wife or I leave -- I said there is no sign of committment I can give you right now and she left.

Like you, I do not feel anger, except perhaps at the disease. I feel sad and I feel compassion for her. My greatest hope was that she would realize that I was not going to abandon her like her father did and that our r/s would improve.

You say "Nevertheless, I couldn't remain in the relationship". What is it that made you come to realize that? Did you loose hope that he would get better?

I know that I have my own issues -- it is not normal that I am still unable to divorce my wife and I perfectly understand that for my pwBPD, this was a huge problem -- but I am trying to work on them, getting more independent, finding who I am, what I love, etc. Was it the same for you? Did you come to relaize that, unlike us, BPDs cannot do this exercise of self examination to improve themselves?

Thanks again for being here!

[heartandwhole]

You say "Nevertheless, I couldn't remain in the relationship". What is it that made you come to realize that? Did you loose hope that he would get better?

I know that I have my own issues -- it is not normal that I am still unable to divorce my wife and I perfectly understand that for my pwBPD, this was a huge problem -- but I am trying to work on them, getting more independent, finding who I am, what I love, etc. Was it the same for you? Did you come to relaize that, unlike us, BPDs cannot do this exercise of self examination to improve themselves?

Thanks again for being here!

Blaise,

Similar to your story, but reversed, my pwBPD was "breaking up" with his girlfriend during our whole r/s (total 1.5 yrs, with 3 month break in there).  The reason we broke up is because he kept changing his mind about us - fear, as we got closer and made plans to merge our lives.  After he "flipped" several times, I realized that I felt too unsafe.  And yet, I was willing to change my life to accommodate the r/s.  When he broke it off again, something broke in me,   and I realized how messed up my own boundaries were - I had no business being in that relationship, to be honest, for many reasons besides BPD (him not letting go of previous relationships, long distance, age difference, co-dependency, etc.).  I know all of these things are manageable with the right partner, but I feel that we both triggered each other's deepest wounds too often and too deeply.

It has been said that relationships challenge us to deal with our wounds -they are not just about being happy forevermore.  I understand that.  But I'd like a relationship where my core wounds are not stimulated every single day, to the point that I am constantly in fight or flight mode. I don't know what it feels like to have BPD, but I can imagine that a person with the disorder might feel that very often.  My heart goes out to them, and I do believe a pwBPD can improve, but he/she has to want it more than anything, more than you.

He contacted me after over a year of NC.  I felt anger then!  And I felt anger during the r/s, too.  It's there, maybe it isn't as loud as the sadness and grieving, but it's there.  I also sometimes have trouble expressing anger, so I do that in T. My therapist likes to see it. 

I think your plan to find out what you want and who you are now is a fantastic one.  Where are you in that process?  What you do want from relationship?  How do you want to grow in it?

[Blaise]

I agree with you that relationships challenge us to deal with our wounds. This is a good thing and I think, in all honesty, that I have tried to improve myself with all my long-term partners (there are not that many

I tried to improve myself with my pwBPD as well. She confronted me all the time with the fact that I was not yet divorced and I did not know why I couldn't. I still do not know and I think that this is the issue on which I must focus.

To give you a little bit of background, I broke up with my wife when I fell in love (or what I thought was love) with my pwBPD. I really thought I had found the one I was looking for.

I have the deepest respect for my wife and I like our relationship as parents. I think I was fearing that me asking for divorce would distroy this good relationship and would cause her even more harm than when I left her for my pwBPD. It's just that I do not think I still have love for her, only respect and attachment.

You are asking about the future. I do not think that I have unrealistic expectations. I want a calm r/s with respect, caring, attention and affection. The one thing that moves me most is when I see -- proof that it does exist! -- a family where you can feel that the parents are in love with eachother. This was the missing element with my wife: I did not feel important, and even more so when we had our kids.

What about you? Have you found the one you are looking for? If not, close your eyes and dream about it.

Thanks for being here today.

[heartandwhole]

Blaise, they were all the one for me, because I loved and learned.    No one for now, just working on my stuff.

I know what you mean about seeing families like that.  I love to see that, too.

Best wishes on your journey 

[eyvindr]

I do not think that I have unrealistic expectations. I want a calm r/s with respect, caring, attention and affection. The one thing that moves me most is when I see -- proof that it does exist! -- a family where you can feel that the parents are in love with each other.

A good thing to hear, and to tell ourselves. Reminds me of one time, after a particularly dramatic emotional outburst, when I broke down and told my exBPD -- "I just want a normal life, with a normal, healthy relationship!"

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Blaise,  As hard as it is for you to accept that your r/s with your BPDex is over, I can report that a marriage to a pwBPD is no picnic, either, as the symptoms often intensify over time.  In other words, it doesn't get better, my friend, and can get a lot worse, believe me.  So be grateful that your r/s ended when it was supposed to and step forward confidently with all that you have learned about yourself, with the awareness of what you really want in your next r/s.  Lucky Jim