I'm DONE

[Our abuse recovery guide]

We invited my uBPD mom and step dad to my sons Birthday, we have maintained that we will invite them to kids events up until this point.  First they showed up 2 hours late (about par for them, but still rude) then they proceeded to COMPLETELY ignore my Husband and I am talking not even a hello.  They talked to everyone else, My mom, barely even acknowledged my son, and proceeded to spend most of her time belying people with her dramatic house problems (which really aren't that dramatic).

The party was over and everyone went on their way, we went out to dinner with my in-laws which was nice after the crazy that is my mom. 

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, My husband called me because there was something strange in the mailbox... . she returned the mothers day cards I sent to her unopened 4 months later!  Did she return to sender them, NO, she drove to my house, and hand delivered them to my mailbox (creepy).  I really could care less about our card, but the fact that she did not open the kids card which was specifically addressed to "grandma" My daughter picked out the card, drew her a picture and even signed her own name (she is 4 so a big deal).  I am disgusted more than anything and I am so done with them.

I have continued to take the high road and extend myself and I do not care to anymore.  I am really not sure what she thinks behavior like this is going to achieve, but it is pretty obvious that my kids are not important to her.  So why am I going to keep letting her slap us in the face.  I am not.  I am no longer inviting them to things, I am no longer sending cards, and the sooner we can get the hell away from their toxicity and their disgusting and immature behavior the better.  My kids do not need them, they don't even really miss them, because even when they are around they do not make much of an effort.

I really just needed to vent to people who really get it.  My Husband god love him tries, and has been on the receiving end of a lot of her behavior but having not grown up with it his scope is limited, and he has let me take the lead on how we handle things with them, as opposed to interjecting his feelings, but this pushed him over the edge, and he is in complete agreement with me.

She has yet to acknowledge that I am pregnant, other than to tell my sister that she isn't going to get excited about the baby because it will probably die anyway, because we don't deserve anymore kids because we are horrible parents(disgusting), it took everything in my power not to want to scream at her and send some horrifying text after we got the cards in the mail.  But I didn't because that is what she wants, she wants me to respond so she can play victim and say to her friends see, she really is the horrible b!tch I have told you she is.

I don't have time, I don't need her anymore, I thought I did, but through this I have built some amazing relationships with other women in my life and every time she does something like this it pushes me closer to them.  SO I am DONE, and DAMMIT it feels good to say that!

[donniesgrrl]

We invited my uBPD mom and step dad to my sons Birthday, we have maintained that we will invite them to kids events up until this point.  First they showed up 2 hours late (about par for them, but still rude) then they proceeded to COMPLETELY ignore my Husband and I am talking not even a hello.  They talked to everyone else, My mom, barely even acknowledged my son, and proceeded to spend most of her time belying people with her dramatic house problems (which really aren't that dramatic).

The party was over and everyone went on their way, we went out to dinner with my in-laws which was nice after the crazy that is my mom. 

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, My husband called me because there was something strange in the mailbox... . she returned the mothers day cards I sent to her unopened 4 months later!  Did she return to sender them, NO, she drove to my house, and hand delivered them to my mailbox (creepy).  I really could care less about our card, but the fact that she did not open the kids card which was specifically addressed to "grandma" My daughter picked out the card, drew her a picture and even signed her own name (she is 4 so a big deal).  I am disgusted more than anything and I am so done with them.

I have continued to take the high road and extend myself and I do not care to anymore.  I am really not sure what she thinks behavior like this is going to achieve, but it is pretty obvious that my kids are not important to her.  So why am I going to keep letting her slap us in the face.  I am not.  I am no longer inviting them to things, I am no longer sending cards, and the sooner we can get the hell away from their toxicity and their disgusting and immature behavior the better.  My kids do not need them, they don't even really miss them, because even when they are around they do not make much of an effort.

I really just needed to vent to people who really get it.  My Husband god love him tries, and has been on the receiving end of a lot of her behavior but having not grown up with it his scope is limited, and he has let me take the lead on how we handle things with them, as opposed to interjecting his feelings, but this pushed him over the edge, and he is in complete agreement with me.

She has yet to acknowledge that I am pregnant, other than to tell my sister that she isn't going to get excited about the baby because it will probably die anyway, because we don't deserve anymore kids because we are horrible parents(disgusting), it took everything in my power not to want to scream at her and send some horrifying text after we got the cards in the mail.  But I didn't because that is what she wants, she wants me to respond so she can play victim and say to her friends see, she really is the horrible b!tch I have told you she is.

I don't have time, I don't need her anymore, I thought I did, but through this I have built some amazing relationships with other women in my life and every time she does something like this it pushes me closer to them.  SO I am DONE, and DAMMIT it feels good to say that!

[freyja]

Donniesgrrl,

Good for your deciding what is right for your family and creating limits that work for you. I'm still working on how much contact to have with my uBPDm and know how difficult it can be when your kids welfare comes into the picture. Good luck on your journey.

Freyja

[Bella Storm]

Hi donniesgrrl,

I get where you are coming from. It is good that your husband is supportive of your decisions and boundaries you are putting in place for your mom. I'm sorry she said such hurtful things to you. I look at many things my mom has said to me over the years (been married almost 20 years) and she doesn't recollect 1/2 of what she has said to me. It still hurts though. You have to do the right thing for you and for your kids. Having a grandma who doesn't value them can do a lot of damage. In looking at the dynamic of the home my mom grew up in, I believe her mom had BPD. Grandma treated us like 2nd class citizens, and nothing we did was ever good enough. It was really hurtful because grandparents are supposed to be loving and make a kid feel like they are the best thing that ever happened to the world (parents are too, but grandparents especially).

I know you will make the best decisions for yourself and your kids.

Hugs to you 

[Breathing new air]

I read this thread and have to say. I get where you are coming from. I can take most of what comes my way from my family but nothing gets me going more than when my kids are affected. My mom spends a lot of time complaining that she does not have a relationship with my kids and that they don't like her because she is "not fun".  My sisters have talked to her about this and she does not get it. She never will.  Her efforts are so inconsistent. My kids do not trust them. She talks a good game but ultimately, they are the second class grandchildren. Although with my mom there is the classic "good mom/grandma" moments that keep you off balance and coming back.  With my kids, they have been second class to their other cousin that is "golden child" and she even admits this, but this is because my kids are well adjusted and do not need the attention or love because they have good parents. The justification and rationalization makes me sick. One moment they are well adjusted and do not need the attention and the next they are spoiled rotten and we would never have "dared" act that way. 

Funny thing about this whole mess. No matter what before I tried. I was the good kid. I helped out and came home. I put up with everything she threw my way because my kids needed grandparents. Dad was great. My kids miss him terribly. He passed away about 4 years ago. But I continued to try with mom saying the kids needed the grandmother and how important family was. Now I look at the sickness of my family and find myself encouraging my kids to talk about it when she pulls stuff. They are at a point where they could see her or not.  And after reading your description of your son's birthday party. It was so similar to the family birthday we held last week. She talked to everyone else or withdrew with the air that she did not belong so someone would come to her.  It was not new, they have all been like that. The difference is the awareness and not being willing to accept it for myself.

My hubby has been great and dealt with my family for almost 20 years so he understand to a certain extent. He will even say that, but no one can know what it is like unless you grew up in it. I feel the same way. My kids know what normal is and will point out the differences. So we must have done something right. I have told my husband I never want my kids to understand what my childhood was, although with my daughter growing up. I have shared some when she asks so she can understand my triggers and what makes me tick. And also know what to avoid and what is not normal. LC or NC with grandma and my FOO may be the only way to go.

I find myself thanking the universe that I found this site. Because only by understanding where I came from can I move forward. I am hopeful that I might be a part of the normal universe and be comfortable there someday. 

[Chunkybeah]

I think this- separate yourself and your kids from her. Give yourself some needed space. Breathe. Give your kids a hug. Get one back. And rather than kill yourself to make the relationship work, maybe next time don't invite her to the party. And you will totally enjoy yourself! Then, create boundaries with her if you choose to invite her to another family function. My sister has BPD, and I totally get it, because she constantly ruins every family event, and makes it all about her. I am getting married, you can see my thread, and I am more worried about her behavior at my wedding than enjoying this time. Time to take back the reins. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine that added dynamic. God bless:)