This is what I'm struggling with as of late

[Relentless]

 I really do hope she misses me. I wonder, when it snows, will she think about the fun we had getting stuck one time... . Or when I walked a giant heart in the snow and wrote our names in the middle. When it's her birthday will she remember "the best birthday ever" that I planned for her? Will she remember the scavenger hunt I did for her on Easter. Will she remember how passionate I was and never stopped being? Will she remember the picnic by the lake and fireworks? The carriage ride? The massages and intimacy (she wanted to wait for sex, we did other stuff, but she claimed the other stuff was the best ever etc)... . That the kissing was crazy wonderful (and it was, the only person I ever felt that way with)... .

It's like... . All those things... . The time I drive to Madison to bring her dinner when she was studying and stressed... .

I wrote her a letter every week, poems. She inspired the best in me and got what no one else ever got. We were extremely affectionate. I took her to meet everyone in my life. And despite the few bad times, I forgave her and loved her. She got so mad sometimes that on a couple occasions she got physical with me. But I forgave because I thought she would get help when she came back around Xmas time.

I just don't get how she can walk away in anger and so easily be gone. It's been 4 weeks and she will be gone for 4 months for school. So who knows... . But there were days we talked on the phone for hours... I mean 5-8 on the most extreme... . Crazy!

But I loved her the best a man can. I've always been an above average BF. but this was the greatest I gave... . In every realm of romance and affection.

Ugh it sucks so bad. I don't get it.

[Perfidy]

I sure feel your pain Relentless. Sorry we feel like this. It's the death of a dream. The flesh and blood lives on. Grieving sucks. It's natural and all you can do is experience it. The dream dies and the pain will get better. It's a lot tougher when a dream dies than when a person dies. The death of a relationship is lingering. I call it living death. That's how horrible I feel at times. The person was not right for me. As a matter of fact I don't know who could be right with her. It was like yours. She was abusive. She abused everything. Physically,mentally,financially,chemically,self, everything about her was abusive. Now, I miss her so fricking much that it is not understandable and I suffer the pain. I am getting a little better but far from over it. I should not miss this person at all. I should consider it a blessing that she is gone. It isn't even about her. It's about me and being away from her has helped me see this clearly. I focus on myself as much as I can. I'm getting there but it is hard while I carry so much pain.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are hurting Relentless.  When we love someone, think they are "the one" and it ends abruptly - it is normal to feel the way you do.

I really do hope she misses me.

I just don't get how she can walk away in anger and so easily be gone.

But I loved her the best a man can. I've always been an above average BF. but this was the greatest I gave... . In every realm of romance and affection.

Repeat - "her actions are not about me"

Emotionally healthy and mature people will give closure and kindness to an end, even if it hurts.  Breaking up with someone in a respectful manner requires a strong sense of self and maturity... . this is not something pwBPD tend to be capable of handling.  Try to remember, most of what she was feeling you were not privy too.  Her actions at the end are likely a combination of anger that was never expressed.

When I was in the place you were - I had printed out and read 10 myths that keep us stuck, over and over until I really understood the reality of the situation. https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Specifically #2 - Belief that they felt the same as you may be holding you back from acceptance right now... . it is really hard to realize this relationship is kinda like an iceburg.  The part we see is above water, but 75%+ of an iceburg is below the surface and that is where the reality is - we only get glimpses until the very end.

Is it possible you are now tying your self worth to the actions of loving her and now that it is over you are feeling a bit "less than"?

[Relentless]

Yes. A bit to the self-worth Q.

It's just tough. I really hope she misses me and comes back one day. I also hope that I am strong enough to set boundaries if it even happens, and if I even want to get back with her.

I did so much... . But even more so, just being in the same room with her was amazing. She really was a great companion and it was just wonderful when it was good. How can she just walk away and stay this way? I mean, doesn't their anger eventually subside? I get now she didn't truly feel love... . But whatever that was... . Won't she miss it eventually? She's alone for the next 4 months in a brand new place she has never been. I don't think there was anyone else. We spent all our free time together practically. So now it's her by herself. She had her dad the last few weeks before leaving cuz she stayed there the last month.

Ya idk. This is what constantly goes through my mind. I wrote her a final email this morning. Going NC now. Went 6 days longest prior. So we shall see I guess

[obtunded]

Breaking up with someone in a respectful manner requires a strong sense of self and maturity... . this is not something pwBPD tend to be capable of handling.  Try to remember, most of what she was feeling you were not privy too.  Her actions at the end are likely a combination of anger that was never expressed.

Thanks for the reminder about a mature person respecting the other during a breakup. We were married 4 years with 2 children (yes, it was very quick). We had an argument about money, she left to her mom's house, the next day I get a call from the lawyer telling me I'm getting a divorce. No discussion, other than she telling me how hard she had tried to "make things work" and how I hadn't - the blame game never ends. The lawyer was surprised I didn't know anything and actually called back the next day and apologized for having to tell me that way. When he said, "Your wife wants to make things easy," I laughed and said, "You have no idea what you're dealing with" -- there is no "easy" in her world.

[MammaMia]

As with many things in life... . if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

The idealization phase of a BPD relationship reflects this.  A painful lesson to learn but an important one none-the-less.  Be careful not to make someone more important than your own happiness.

[sadinnc98]

I totally understand this... I  know for me, the idealization stage of my BPD r/s was amazing... and so the let down seems extra hard. I have been reminiscing a lot too and its painful to remember those good times. I know my ex is dabbling with other women-I think he has been the entire time we dated actually. I cannot fathom being with anyone else and it kills me to think that he is... . I know its tough> Hang in there. 

[Relentless]

Thanks everyone. I'm having a rough time. It helps when people say things. I've been looking for stories when ex's come back even after saying "never".

I know I shouldn't want it, but I do. I'm so sad. But I'm doing better.

I really believed it all. 13.5 years we were friends beforehand. I really hope she misses me. NC is hard.

[sadinnc98]

Thanks everyone. I'm having a rough time. It helps when people say things. I've been looking for stories when ex's come back even after saying "never".

I know I shouldn't want it, but I do. I'm so sad. But I'm doing better.

I really believed it all. 13.5 years we were friends beforehand. I really hope she misses me. NC is hard.

Mine has told me "never" many times... . and thus far, came back each time. There was one time after 4 days NC he texted me "Never again, Ill never see you again"... and we were having dinner later that night. He also broke an engagement saying we were "done forever" (although blamed himself fully for it) and then we were back together a week later. This past Sunday he texted "Mean it... I am not coming back this time"... yet he has texted me frequently over the past few days... so it happens... Honestly though I think its better if he doesn't come back or text me because its not helping me at this point...   He texted me that he was going out to dinner with work people last night... then texted twice randomly at 9:45 and 10:15... then nothing for the rest of the night... so I assume he was on a date and was up till 3AM worrying about it... . not good.

[Blaise]

The day will come where you will not look back anymore. The good times you had together will remain as good memories. They will not trigger sadness anymore.

I note that you mention all the goods things you did for her. What are the good things she did for you? What about your needs?

My dBPDgf and I broke up 8 months ago. I came to realize that it was all about her needs. Admittedly, when I was with her, I was feeling well. But this "feeling well" is not the benchmark for a good r/s. It is the benchmark of how we should feel in life generally, when we are on our own. Only then can a r/s bring something more and be true love.

Before you have reached the stage of being well on your own, your partner will only feel a hole or a missing part. But then there is nothing left to build something on top. It's a bit like when you eat: you eat because you need it; once you have eaten, food is not needed anymore; until you need it again.

[Relentless]

Thanks everyone. I wish I knew if it was likely that she will come back or if her anger will fade and see the overall picture of me... . Which is good... . Idk.

Thanks again.