Thats my dead mouse

[lost not dead]

     Well I thought that after the divorce was over I was free. Wrong! She has painted me black slept around with anything that would have her and other than the children we have been NC. I recently started seeking female companionship again very slowly and carefully. Little did I know she snuck onto my computer found the password to my phone account and has been tracking me and my calls. I met a very nice lady and so far only knew her first name. Well the very next day my new friend calls me and we have a wonderful time talking. The next day I get a 500 or so word email detailing my new friends life and calling me every name in the BPD handbook. Then the idealization started again while still blaming me. What the heck do I have to do to make her realize it is over. Have any of you been through this kind of recycle event so late in the game and how did you deal with it. I feel like I will never be free because no one else can play with her dead mouse.

[ScotisGone74]

Thats part of the disorder unfortunately, nothing is ever equal between them and their SO.  Even though they have already ridden off in the sunset having sexcapades with whatever tom, dick, or harry they they can find, if we happen to attempt to make friends or become companions with someone of the opposite sex it drives them up the wall, regardless of what they have done.  When I saw it firsthand it really reinforced how deranged her thinking really is, they don't want us because of X Y or Z, but no one else should have us either... . LOL.   I think it bothers them so much because we have been their punching bag soo long to beat up on and now we are no longer there for them to let loose on.  Their lack of self esteem/inner self just can't fathom that we can really move on and find other people to connect with besides them. 

Try not to take it too personal, even though that is difficult, the longer you are away from it the better you will feel and the clearer the picture will be for you. 

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Family!,

     I recently learned these facts in a typically bizarre (pwBPD-type) way.  After many decades of N/C, I'm working with my pwBPD.  She set the ground rules that she couldn't see why after so long that we couldn't 'just act like any other two people working here.'  Jumping a few months down the road, a group (15 or so) of us are at a 'team-building'  exercise and I'm talking rather absent-mindedly to a reasonably attractive female in the group when I become aware that someone is standing extremely close to me but just outside of my field of vision (I hope you know what I mean).  I look up, and 'my' pwBPD is, like, one inch from me and looking a little embarrassed at being seen eavesdropping like that.  It was no big deal and might have meant nothing I suppose, but the rest of the night before and after this she was physically a very long distance from me. 

     I scratched my head a bit on that one but now I think that, even after many years N/C, she actually was feeling insecure about my 'r/s' with someone else.  And, yes, during the r/s with the pwBPD, she had (at least) two other guys I know of, then eventually went back to her estranged husband, had several kids, got divorced, got remarried, got divorced again, etc, etc, etc. And now she's worrying about me talking to someone else? So weird.

LT

[Lucky Jim]

Hi LND, I think it's all part of the paradox of BPD.  The BPDex considers the Non (i.e., me), to be a terrible person, so its unthinkable that someone else might find me attractive!  A pwBPD can't handle this discrepancy, in my view, and will go to great lengths to sabotage the new relationship, if possible.  For that reason, I refuse to give my BPDexW any clues about my social life -- it's none of her business and that is my boundary.  Lucky Jim

[Moonie75]

I Live in a small community in rural England, the kind of place where everybody knows everybody's business.

My ex started shaggin the neighbor as soon as we were over so I should have full licence to move on with whoever I want (in time). My ex is very confrontational & this "I don't want him but nobody else can have him" mentality is bothering me a little. I really don't see how I could (or should) keep my next relationship low profile. I fear my BPD ex regardless of her indiscretions, will reek havoc!

I've not read much about this on the forum but this thread has pretty much confirmed my suspicions that another storm will come!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Moonie,

     The 'good' news is that pwBPD are, first of all, people.  That means there are absolutely no rules about what anyone will do.  I try to just deal with what I know for sure to be reality (sometimes I'm not sure I know what reality is anymore, of course) without imagining all the other cr@p these folks could bring about.  That keeps me busy enough.

LT

[ScotisGone74]

Moonie-I believe its normal for us Nons in some cases to suffer from PTSD after lengthy relationships with some of those with severe BPD.  I'm a 250 pound muscular guy that was almost shaking in my own house with the shades drawn following the relationship with my exBPD who weighs maybe a buck thirty.  When someone carries out abuse on you, whatever type it was, emotional, verbal, psychological,  ... . it takes a toll and can make us fearful.  After a while you get over the part of worrying about what 'They' may do or think, and just focus on living your life how You want to.  They are capable of anything, but you can't sit around frightened or worrying the rest of your life about what they may think or possibly do.   More than likely they are too busy battling the current victim. 

[Moonie75]

Moonie-I believe its normal for us Nons in some cases to suffer from PTSD after lengthy relationships with some of those with severe BPD. 

Funnily enough I've just been diagnosed with PTSD today!

It will be quite some time before I'm in the dating game again. I want to get through therapy & be emotionally ready for a bright start with a fresh new face. And I want to be comfortable in myself that I can see a red flag & act, rather than ignore like i did 3 years ago. I'm buggered if I'm going to pay the price for making those mistakes again in any future relationships!

But my ex seems to hold grudges pretty well & I'm sure there'll be attempts to engage me again when her latest romance falters. I know when she's met with permanent silence I'll be painted black forever, and whenever the day does come that I've got e new bo, I'll face a BPD hate army! That's almost set in stone!